Bioengineering for the betterment of Mankind. (942 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: 1.85 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iddqd (View user info) at 2005-07-03 09:48:37 EDT
I was friggin bored at work today. I sat and ignored customers and tried to forget the squid sashimi i ate last night while drunk. It was putting up a tremendous fight, and so to combat the pain I had to occupy my mind. I started thinking about bioengineering and what it had done for us lately. My conclusion was 'absolutely fuck all'.
So, I then thought about what things should have been done by now to fuck with our bodies and make them better, faster, stronger than before. These are some of the things I came up with...
a) Handles for children.
Got a whiny, squirming brat? Need to be somewhere fast, and the stinky little crotchling wont move faster than that staggering wail they all seem to posses through some genetic memory, and picking it up does no good, because it just does that wiggle that makes them damn near impossible to hold?
Have I got the answer for you! New: Child handler! with a quick, painless procedure, we engineer your child to grow a convenient handle on its back. No muss, no fuss child management. Carry junior around no matter what the fuck it thinks about it. Painless, sanitary and guaranteed to fall off around the same time the baby teeth do. Juggle kids, career and lifestyle with difficulty no more! Get a grip and drag your child kicking and screaming into the 21st Century!
b) Zip-lock mouths.
Remember the first Matrix movie, when Keanu had his mouth magically sealed by Agent SMith? Looking back, wasn't it the best part of all three movies? Now picture that shit on a nagging girlfriend/wife or your shitty boss...
Yeah, I'm hard too.
Imagine it, peace and fucking quiet with just the flick of your wrist. She's demanding that the rubbish be taken out NOW, even though it's a 1 point game with a minute to go?
ZIP! Suddenly that grating hacksaw on your nerves is transformed to a collection of soothing muffled sounds. "MMM. Mmmm mmphmm.MMM!"
"Yes, dear."
c) Frontal Legotomy.
Got a bipolar disorder that just wont quit? Developing anti-social behaviour that just seems more extreme with every ethic minority you hospitalise? The 'voices' just wont give you five minutes peace? Or even just simply stressed out? Work and kids and everything just driving you nuts? Need to unplug and unwind? Well, with your frontal legotomy, you can literally unplug, removing your pesky frontal lobe, sending you into a nice, calm, relaxing vegetative state. Kick back and feel the drool. When you're done, just have it clicked back in like a piece of lego, snapping you instantly back into cohesive thought and on the edge, where you gotta be.
d) Wheels.
Ever since some dude, thousands of years ago rolled a rock down a hill and grunted in primitive satisfaction at the result... then found a bigger and more powerful rock... then got some Mammoth's blood and painted a thin red stripe along it... then showed it to the ladies... who then pointed and laughed at his small penis, thus etching in stone a trend that has lasted the aeons. Ever since this momentous event, man has had a love affair with the wheel. It is about damn time we consummated this affair with a true and lasting union. I'm not talking about an empty exchange of bits of precious metal and meaningless vows, I'm talking about making two entities as one - replacing our outmoded, outdated, primitive, poorly designed and injury prone legs with the simple perfection of the wheel, and not just any wheels, some AFS 94-04 Mustang Mach1 Black Chrome 17" Rims. That'll distract the ladies from looking at our penises long enough to get them naked and by then it's all too late, my friends.
e) Love Handles.
No, not those unsightly little handfuls of flab that sit above your hips and mock you and your waistline with smarmy, pudgy glee. I mean lurve handles, the handles of lurve. This adaptation of the Child Handle is for when you're throwing caution and your lower back to the wind and are fucking like you're breaking records. In particular this is for the bony wenches who just ain't got nothing to grab onto, as a wise man said that sometimes 'even white boys got to shout'. A small painless procedure for your significant other and you've got all the help you need to get really DEEEEP.
f) One-touch birth control.
No pills, no vasectomies, no pull-out method (well, I know, OF COURSE we still will, but it'll all just be for the show now, and none of that vague fear, of maybe i was a split second too late this time...) and certainly, no condoms (unless of course youre using it for protection against disease, rather than protection against responsibility). This simple addition to the imperfect female body means that with the simple touch of a button (in eight different shades, including 'smiley face'!) you wont have to worry about the pattering of little steps until YOU'RE good and damn well ready, bitch. One more push, and bam, instant baby factory.
g) Giant, metal, Karate-chop hand.
This is for no other reason than because 'Jitsu' was one of my all time favourite He-Men. A Massive asian-looking dude with a fucking colossal golden hand, poised to send choppy death to all who opposed him. The toy's chop arm had a spring in it, so you could pull the arm back and doing-oing-oing, it'd bounce right back. Devastating. I want that hand.
h) 8 Second Abs.
Cheesily smiling infomercial compere: "Tell me sir, do YOU have time for 8 minute abs?"
Mindless rube in the front row: "No sirree, bob! What with my busy schedule of chronic masturbation and posting pointless articles on the interweb, I barely got time to breathe, let alone take care of my manly physique."
Cheesily smiling infomercial compere: "Ahhh, yeah. Well, anyway, that's what I'm talking about here: with our help, we can transform that pasty, dimpled, flabby, pathetic excuse for a midsection into a ripped, rippling sight for sore eyes! We can turn vote you into being Mayor of 'Washboard City'!"
Like I, ah I mean the mindless rube said: Who has time take care of their manly physique? 8 minutes a day of boring and tiring work for days, possibly even WEEKS, when you could be eating Krispy Kreme and watching Jerry. With this little gem you can live in utter gluttinous sloth all day, then BAM! impress the ladies into bed with your awesome abs at night.
i) Penis pump.
This isn't one of those bong-looking things you may have sen in 'Austen Powers', or under your bed.
Remember Reebok Pumps? Arguably one of the greatest marketing hoaxes in the history of mankind. For those of you who missed out, this was a shoe that had a small airpump in the tongue that you pressed repeatedly to force some air into the pillow that was sewn into the tongue itself, theoretically making the show a more snug fit. In reality all it did was end up cutting off circulation to your feet and you got gangrene in your feet and had to have them amputated.
Anyway, I propose to employ this technology into that most heavily researched of male conditions: penis enlargement. For centuries man has been unsatisfied with nature's work in this regard, and done everything in his power to change the terrible curse of giving the females of the species genitals that are able to accomodate something the size of a football (not soccerball), whilst only giving the males something the size of a largish cucumber (what? you think im not gonna take this opportunity to make out like i have a massive cock?).
I figure with this idea I'll end war, rescue the environment from being choked from the fumes of countless 'performance vehicles', and save pretty much every species of big cat, or any animal that has any kind of horn or mythically large penis from becoming soup, or herbal tea.
So there you have it, just some of the possible improvements we're missing out on because of lazy scientists and their faggoty hiding behind 'ethics' and other such bullshit. Fuck that shit, I say, it's about goddamn time we moved on, our bodies have evolved far enough the natural way, now it's time to use our power to improve upon god and/or natires short-sighted plans. In three years I want to be tearing around on my new hot wheels, admiring my new, massive, pneumatic cock and karate-chopping any fucker dumb enough to get in my pristine-abbed way.
User Reviews
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-04 12:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, considering i can get this totally underwhelming response from other posts bigmike pretty much accurately notes i 'shit out in five minutes', i dont think ill be bothering again to take the better part of two hours it took to get this one done in a satisfactory manner.
as far as not caring, mike, with ubersite - i dont really care. i stopped caring a looooong time ago. sometimes i relapse, but this site has been pretty dead for me for a long, long time.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-04 07:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-04 01:24:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
ah mike that begging was merely in reference for the sheer time this took. ie. my paint skillz arent exactly impregnable. i dont actually think this is good enough to be honest.
and ive been telling you to fuck off lately out of frustration because it seems like you only ever have bad shit to say to me. the decent posts i write go seemingly ignored, and yuo jsut seem quick to jump on my back. im a fan of constructive (erad: negative) criticism, but some encouragement from those i know and respcet like yourself once in a while is nice too.
You know what the problem here is id? I expect too much of you because I remember a day when you could kick ass with the best of them. You still can by the way, it's just that sometimes I read your posts and I think "I would be surprised if it took even five minutes to crap out that group of words." Sometimes I think that you just don't care or you are really too drunk to notice.
I've always liked your stuff. It's your attitude that ruins it for me sometimes.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-04 01:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah mike that begging was merely in reference for the sheer time this took. ie. my paint skillz arent exactly impregnable. i dont actually think this is good enough to be honest.
and ive been telling you to fuck off lately out of frustration because it seems like you only ever have bad shit to say to me. the decent posts i write go seemingly ignored, and yuo jsut seem quick to jump on my back. im a fan of constructive (erad: negative) criticism, but some encouragement from those i know and respcet like yourself once in a while is nice too.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-04 00:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your stuff.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-04 00:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh my ass off, good job.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-04 00:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"glad the rest of you enjoyed it, this took me way to long to write and make. surely i can get a baw nomination out of it!?"
Surely you may, but not from me. I might have if I didn't think you were begging.
Go ahead and tell me to fuck off like you always do when you don't like what I have to say.
I just can't figure out why someone who seems to have so much talent can also seem so desperate and pathetic.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-03 22:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-03 14:42:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
I give this nerd 5 minutes before he's here crying about his +2 streak
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jeez bill, you cant be that dumb, surely?
i think ive been pretty clear about what it is i cry about. i cry about responses and heat. i mean, come on, how many examples can i list for you here, you dumb shit?
if youre gonna have a go at me about being a crybaby, which i most certainly am, at least get it right.
and you called me a nerd? hahahaha, youre here too, fuckwit.
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glad the rest of you enjoyed it, this took me way to long to write and make. surely i can get a baw nomination out of it!?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-03 20:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-07-03 15:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sir...if making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy, then......oh.....um......nevermind.
My wife loved this. I'm having that button installed on Tuesday.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-07-03 14:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-03 14:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I give this nerd 5 minutes before he's here crying about his +2 streak.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-03 14:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bioengineering could definetly save lives http://www.ubersite.com/m/62512
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-03 14:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-07-03 13:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mindless rube in the front row: "No sirree, bob! What with my busy schedule of chronic masturbation and posting pointless articles on the interweb, I barely got time to breathe, let alone take care of my manly physique."
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Hahahaha, and The Photos=Excellent.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-03 13:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, this made me laugh.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-07-03 12:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-07-03 11:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somebody get on this.
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-03 11:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious! very well done
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-03 11:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO BIOENGINEERING WOO!
(i'm a biomedical engineer)
and as a professionally certified biomedical engineer, i'd like to say that every single one of those ideas is possible, and likely probable. except for the whole handle thing.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-03 11:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-07-03 10:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all pretty cool, but what about the mind bullets?
Submitted by Ananda (user info) at 2005-07-03 10:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-03 10:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-03 10:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAM.