The Identity Of All Alters...REVEALED! (1141 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.73 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SG The Platypus Master (View user info) at 2005-07-05 09:13:25 EDT
Yes, yes, it is true. In this post I will in fact indulge all of you on the true identity of every alter on this site. But first, a small rant.
If you look at Bart's info, you will see that he joined November 30th, 1999. Now look 9,999 users later at user 10,000. He joined on July 4th, 2004. It took approximately 5 years for 10,000 users to join on Ubersite. Now look. Another 10,000 have already joined in just one year. Spread of word?
I think not.
The fact is that everyone of these 10,000 users are alters....and so are the first 10,000....
Cliffhanger!!
Not really.
Now I shall explain.
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Me: "Psssh. Look at all these alters -2ing people! It's sickening!"
I looked through the posts on Ubersite, many of them which were once Best Ever, and were now....not Best Ever. All because of a silly alter, deciding to -2 a post which had received so many +2's. And worse yet, the alters which left a +1, as if they wanted people to think they actually liked it.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME!!!
Me: "Psssh. Stupid alters. Psssh."
My Brain: "Well then, why don't you do something about it?"
Me: "Psssh. I think I will. Psssh."
My Brain: "Stop saying that."
Me: "....Pssh."
So I went into my secret laboratory that was hidden from the world. And by laboratory I mean bathroom. And by bathroom I mean bathtub. And in that bathtub I performed many, many experiments, containing volatile chemicals and crazy rocks and flasks and goggles and other science stuff. After mixing a final powder into my concoction, I was done.
Me: "Aha!"
My Brain: "You know who is behind the alters?!"
Me: "What? No. I finally figured out how to make Kool-Aid."
How tasteful that Kool-Aid was.
My Brain: "...What about the alters?"
Me: "Pssh."
So I went into my secret laboratory that was hidden from the world. And by laboratory I mean bathroom. And by bathroom I mean bathtub. And in that bathtub I performed many, many experiments, containing volatile chemicals and crazy rocks and flasks and goggles and other science stuff. After mixing a final powder into my concoction, I was done.
Me: "Aha!"
My Brain: "Kool-Aid?"
Me: "Only your foolish mind would think of such a thing. I know who all the alters are....and it is not surprising."
My Brain: "Let me see these results."
After scanning the results which I wrote on the toilet paper next to the bathtub, My Brain screamed in a startle.
My Brain: "No I didn't."
Me: "Yes you did."
My Brain: "I did not scream asshole."
Me: "...................psssh."
The results were indeed shocking, but before My Brain could explain them to my dull-witted minded a man barged into my bathtub.
It was.....
Bart Cilfone.
Bart: "It seems you have found the true identity of the alters on Ubersite...and the identity of every user on Ubersite...."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Bart: "Look at the results, while I look around for some girly clothes."
I looked at the results and for every single user on Ubersite, the same name was listed.
Bart Cilfone.
Me: "But this can't be! That means..."
Bart returned to my bathtub in his new attire. A Batman mask and a cape made out of a towel.
Bart: "Yes....I am you."
Me: "But you are you. And I am me."
Bart: "No. I am me, and I am you. And that Brain of yours, it is also mine."
Bart's (MY) Brain: "AHAH! It feels good to be with someone smart for a change!"
Bart: "You traitor!"
Bart's Brain: "What?"
Bart: "Huh?"
Bart: "You see, we are all Bart, me, so that means I am in essence talking to myself."
Bart: "But I am not Bart!"
Bart: "Oh yes you are!"
And then I struggled and I struggled and I became me again.
Me: "Ha!"
Bart: "You can't do that!"
Me: "Yes I can! I understand everything now! Everyone thinks I'm Tyler Durden! Not me!"
Bart: "Tyler Durden?"
Me: "I mean....Bart Cilfone."
Bart: "YOU ARE BART CILFONE!!! NOW COME BACK TO ME!"
And then we struggled with a battle of wits. I went back and forth, into Bart, and then back into me. It was all crazy like. It was like, I was looking at Bart, and then I was looking at the bathtub from Bart's point of view, but I was never Bart, but so I thought. Then I was like "Psssh" and Bart was like "Don't Psssh me," and it went on like that for a couple of horus. And by horus I mean hours.
Bart: "Fine then! You can be yourself...for now. But I will come back for you!!"
And then he vanished. I was quite alone then, without my Brain and all. Later that day I went onto Ubersite. All those posts. All made by Bart. He must have a hell of a lot of time on his hands.
In fact, he does have a hell of a lot of time on his hands.
You see, he is watching me right now. He has been watching me carefully for the past 2 weeks. Hiding in my toilet, eating my feces. Jumping out of my Cocoa Pebbles and trying to capture me. Dressing up as a chick and trying to seduce me. Hanging himself from a hanger by thinking I might mistake him for a shirt and put him on upon which he would strangle me and I would become Bart again.
But no, all those attempts failed.
o;iajwf;owiajf;owaifjwifjowiefjowefjw;aofijwa
fwoe;fjowaiefjwaeofijwa;oefjwaeof;ijwae;fofjfjwoifjw;ofij;weofijweofijwefoijwf;woefij
This is Bart Cilfone speaking. Those letters you just read were part of the most epic battle ever. Yes, SG is now part of me again. And I will be after all of you that try to break apart from me. There is no running or hiding. Whoever you thought was your friend on this site is no longer your friend, for everyone is me. I am everyone. Even you. So watchout, I may be anywhere.
I may even be.
Behind you.
Or underneath you.
Or on top of you.
Or inside you.
Preferrably inside your mind.
So you go crazy.
And all that stuff.
Pssssh.
User Reviews
Submitted by KatHunter (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then I was like "Psssh" and Bart was like "Don't Psssh me," and it went on like that for a couple of horus. And by horus I mean hours."
Gold :D
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me want to create an alter, just to +2 it twice.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have finally been exonerated
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-09 16:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It all makes sense now.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am not Jimmy Esquire. However, I am SG the Platypus Master.
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-07-11 10:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My ex was once accused of being an alter on here.
She wasn't. It was just a really bad post.
After reading this i'll never bathe again... again.
Love,
JMG114.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-06 08:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: What?! Flanders! You're the Devil?
Devil Flanders:
Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.
Treehouse of Horror IV
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-05 23:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeeeeeeeeah.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-05 20:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know I read this thought in one of the reviews of the whole filthytoothsyndrome thing.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit I don't wanna be Bart!
I just finished paying for my boobs!
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-05 12:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know why, but Mop's review made me laugh a lot.
Submitted by Mop (user info) at 2005-07-05 12:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a mop
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ummm...
what?
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 ----- not an alter!
Or using reverse psychology...
Now I'm confused.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
attention whore
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:09:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
nene hilarious
-------------
Damnit, CBG, I'm probably one of the few who get that.
BEsides, he changed his name to just Nene, so he could have Nene on his jersey...
Which catches me as odd, because Yao Ming has Yao on his, but he hasn't changed HIS name...
God damn NBA, hatin' on the Brazilian born players...
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm also Method.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-05 11:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nene hilarious
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:21:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty is actually an alter. Berty is actually about 4 or 5 different people who post under the same account. Or I'm Bellebrown's alter. Perhaps I'm Apollo or Mrwolf's alter.
do-de-do-do, do-de-do-do
Sadly not, Berty is actually a real person who drives a shitty car and works in a derelict factory. He lives in social isolation in a specially constructed booth and lives of meat pies. This work is ficticious and any similarities between persons living or dead is purely unintentional and the product of a diseased mind.
-------------------
Hey, you chose to move away! If you'd only tell me WHERE, you'd have more visitors.
I am Method.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NikkiSixx (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:47:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're fucking retarded and delusional. I give out -2's because none of you fucks deserve anything more than a -10, but sadly they don't offer that on this site. Maybe if you put some effort and thought into a fucking post, you would recieve something worthy; such as a 0
______________________________________________
Jesus...calm down there Bart.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very cool. oh by the way.....
i think this would be of particular interest to you.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/69950
El FaBit O
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks like I'll have to bust out my alter stick and throw a few beatings
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty is actually an alter. Berty is actually about 4 or 5 different people who post under the same account. Or I'm Bellebrown's alter. Perhaps I'm Apollo or Mrwolf's alter.
do-de-do-do, do-de-do-do
Sadly not, Berty is actually a real person who drives a shitty car and works in a derelict factory. He lives in social isolation in a specially constructed booth and lives of meat pies. This work is ficticious and any similarities between persons living or dead is purely unintentional and the product of a diseased mind.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You lost me.
PS. Shlongy = Method
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is as confusing and awesome as The Matrix and Fight Club combined!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NikkiSixx (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:47:09 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're fucking retarded and delusional. I give out -2's because none of you fucks deserve anything more than a -10, but sadly they don't offer that on this site. Maybe if you put some effort and thought into a fucking post, you would recieve something worthy; such as a 0
---------
Maybe you should post some of your genius so that we would then have a basis for comparison.
Didn't think you would.
Today has been a day choc full off alter goodness. This one is really good, got that whole bad-ass cunt thing down. I'm intimidated by you mr alter, please don't hurt me.
Stick to shining shoes you worthless trashbag.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-07-05 10:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about NikkiSixx
User id: 20064
Registered on or around: 2005-06-27 07:52:05
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 13
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Nikkisixx - try writing something first before telling us we all write shit.
st0000000000000pid head
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So who's alter im I? Well.. if I am an alter, that is. Ahem.. what?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My point has been proven.
And by the way you replied, I am going to guess you are an alter. If you really think nothing deserves more than a -10, why don't you hand out -2's on your real account?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was Method...
Fuck, SOMEONE LIED TO ME...
Submitted by NikkiSixx (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're fucking retarded and delusional. I give out -2's because none of you fucks deserve anything more than a -10, but sadly they don't offer that on this site. Maybe if you put some effort and thought into a fucking post, you would recieve something worthy; such as a 0
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Epic... very Epic
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I grok what you are saying, we are all one. <--nerd quote
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart is my alter.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking
season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!
-- Homer Simpson
Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
bend over, boys
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is bart. See? Sped's a part of me, too.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To say that I am confused would be an understatement.
Still made me laugh a few times.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-05 09:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
breeleeint
i'm stoned. skipping work.