Cumming for Distance (1898 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.31 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I'm Not Steve (View user info) at 2005-07-05 16:17:49 EDT
I walked into my house yesterday, via the garage door, and into the kitchen. I placed my things on the bar and looked through my mail to see what I received. As it turns out, I may have won a cruise.
I finished sorting through the mail and walked into the living room to find my girlfriend watching porn with the sound muted. Apparently, she was really concentrating, because she did not hear me enter the house.
I stood there and silently watched her watch porn. I positioned myself where I could see her and the TV. She could see me if she turned her head and looked, but she didn't.
The scene on the video ran for a few more minutes. I can tell she getting turned on - she was making those noises that you ladies make. The scene gets to the money shot. The dude rips his dick out of the chicks ass and starts jerking with intensity.
Cum lands on her face and tits and arms and hair like a lawn sprinkler. She rubs it in and is singing and sucking.
After that scene passed, I let her know I was home. She's riled up and wanting to fuck.
I'm hip.
We kissed and rubbed on the way to my bedroom, stripping clothes, Hollywood style, along the way.
We get in my bedroom, and she says, "I want you to do something for me. I want to see how far you can cum. I wonder if you can cum as much and as far as that guy on the video?"(This sounds iffy, but it happened)
Gaddammit, I smell a challenge!!!
I'm standing up for all non-porn star men everywhere.
She gets a towel and lays it on the floor. I stand at one end of it. She starts slobbing on my knob. I suppress a few orgasms to build up as much ejaculatory force as possible.
She says, "Tell me when."
Now, understand, I'm standing basically on top of her. She's squatted down between my legs. All I have to do is move my legs together and I've got her trapped.
So, the big - and I mean BIG - moment arrives.
She pulls her head back and moves to my side out of the target area so she won't get hit and can get a better view of my distance as I cum on the towel on the floor.
I'm jacking my dick and I'm aaaaaalmost there when I quickly turn to my right.....
....and splat her right in the face. I'm a porn star now, baby!!!
For those 10 seconds, I was truly in love.
But talk about pissed off.
She stormed in the bathroom and began wiping baby batter out of her eyes and nose. She got dressed and got the fuck out.
If it hadn't been my house, I would have had to sleep on the couch.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-04-11 20:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by caricature19 (user info) at 2008-04-11 20:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did this truly happen?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this before, but never rated it.
<splat>
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-07-26 16:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-08 10:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she never minds when i load in her face...
=/
Submitted by Fisho3 (user info) at 2005-07-08 10:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh really?
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2005-07-06 12:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah.
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-07-06 07:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:19:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
blimey
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-06 06:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once went a whole 18 hours without tapping the meaty mayo maker and I blasted a wad so far that it travelled at the speed of light. As fortune would have it I was wanking out the bathroom window and as such, obviously, firing against the rotation of the earth. So the wad shot round and round and round the earth so fast that my jizz went back in time by about 2000 years, touching down somewhere in the middle east.
True story.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-07-05 18:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:58:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't tell you how anti-climactic this was. Which is odd really, considering it is a story about reaching climax.
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You're right. It would be more climactic if you know how conservative i.e. missionary only, rare blowjobs, no profanity, church on Sunday, anal-retentive this girl is. Then you'd get it, but I'm a shitty writer and didn't feel like conveying that piece of her character.
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A conservative who watches porn, how refreshing. Slut!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-05 18:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-07-05 17:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:36:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
" He's going the distance....."
i'm laughing so hard right now
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-05 17:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54326
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it's SOOOOOOO hot that you idiots are using your physics knowledge to work out cumming. Pocket protecters and big calculators always turn me on.
<meh> Math Geeks.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't tell you how anti-climactic this was. Which is odd really, considering it is a story about reaching climax.
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You're right. It would be more climactic if you know how conservative i.e. missionary only, rare blowjobs, no profanity, church on Sunday, anal-retentive this girl is. Then you'd get it, but I'm a shitty writer and didn't feel like conveying that piece of her character.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All linkwhores are welcome as far as I'm concerned. I'm reading your post now. Well, now. Go!!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can shoot 6 feet easy, if I haven't had sex in a week or more.
It's just a tiny bit that actually goes the 6 feet, the rest just flops out.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't tell you how anti-climactic this was. Which is odd really, considering it is a story about reaching climax.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob, I'm going to have to sort of disagree with you there, because the flow rate is not a constant. And this would fall under the fluid dynamics class, I believe.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's cumming for distance. He's coming for speeed.
I got blueballed after hours of making out once. I went home and almost blew a hole through the toilet. That was awesome.
As far as cumming-in-chick's-face posts go, I have to say mine is slightly funnier:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44463
Obligatory linkwhore given the subject matter.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" He's going the distance....."
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never tried the distance thing, but I did try the how many times in one day bit. That was years and years ago and I think I'm still recouperating
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nah, I think it was just a fluke. Apparently he was spanking it furiously while lying on the couch, and he was able to get the proper momentum and trajectory.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Simple physics; Q=VA.
The volume flow is constant, so just lessen the area to get a higher velocity.
In plain English, squeeze it.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:22:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds to me like it was her own fault. Nice distance, by the way. I have a friend who managed to hit the wall 6 feet behind his head once.
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WTF???
Does he have a business card or something?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds to me like it was her own fault. Nice distance, by the way. I have a friend who managed to hit the wall 6 feet behind his head once.
Submitted by Snypavat (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If I am with a woman she has to take it on the face and in the mouth. HAS TO BE DONE....
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-05 16:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
blimey