I pulled a "Cornelius" last night (605 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.88 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dennis Hoffman (View user info) at 2005-07-06 15:25:30 EDT
I'm Dennis Hoffman.
You've all read the book "Fight Club", right? Oh you saw the movie? You didn't even know there was a book? Well, I guess that's good enough for the purpose of this post. You know the scenes where Tyler attends all those group therapy sessions under fake names in order to be able to cry so he could sleep soundly? Funny idea, right? Well last night, I did just that. Last night, I pulled a "Cornelius".
A friend of mine is currently attending a group therapy/life coaching seminar every Tuesday night. They're aimed at helping adults and young adults to rediscover their inner children. Everyone wears name tags labeled with Sharpies, and free cookies and juice are provided afterwards. Oddly enough, the people that pay $450 to attend these seminars (No, I'm not kidding on that price. But hey, free cookies and punch!) are given homework assignments. My friend's assignment was to bring someone to one of these meetings.
I thought it was a cult. After Heaven's Gate, I'm suspicious of anyone who offers me free juice. But what the hell. She's a good friend, it wasn't costing me anything, and I trusted her not to get me into anything like that. I agreed to go on the condition that I wouldn't have to sign anything and that I wouldn't have to talk.
When we arrived, I instantly went into my "fold your arms and discount everything they say as bullshit" mode. My grandpa would have been proud.
I was handed a blank name tag and a Sharpie. I won't lie when I say that I considered names like "Cornelius" and "Rupert", but I settled on "Ted Bell". Any Phil Hendrie fans out there?
I sat down and listened to the woman speak as she wrote on the white board. She talked about how as we get older, we burry our inner child deeper inside of us until its virtually non-existant. I wanted so badly to raise my hand and say that I have yet to burry the part of my inner child that likes to touch himself. What the lady was saying was making perfect sense. It was like I was back in college in my entry level psychology class. The only difference was that my college psych class cost half of what this could be costing me.
After the woman's introductory speech, it came time for everyone to introduce themselves. My eyes widened at the chance to start screwing with people. Nobody knew me here, so I could tell them all that I film pornos, or that I make money through email scams. It was time to have some fun.
Until...
"I want you to introduce yourself as your favorite dessert."
What. The. Fuck? Did she actually say that? Are we in kindergarten? I haven't had dessert in years. Actually, I eat so much junk food that nearly every meal is dessert. Well, whatever. I can work with this. How can I fuck with people while at the same time following the rules of the seminar? A short, chubby woman made her way towards me.
"Hi. I'm anything chocolate."
"Hi. I'm a warm beer and a line of coke off a hooker's ass."
Do you ever think of the perfect thing to say long after the opportunity to say it has passed?
After that was done, we were paired up in groups of two. If you knew somebody in the room, you were not allowed to pair up with them. So I found the hottest, shyest looking girl in the room and made my way over to her. There's no way she could reject me. No woman can resist Dennis Hoffman pretending to be Ted Bell. For as shy as she seemed, she was gorgeous. She had a tight little body that screamed "cheerleader". Her name tag said "Holly".
So we sat across from eachother and she was obviously trying to avoid eye contact. I tried to get her out of her shell a bit but was having no success. We listened to the coach as she instructed us all to think of a silly belief that we have, one person would impart their silly belief while the other listened, and then the roles would be switched. I decided to go first.
"I believe that ants will one day mutate and grow to become the size of dogs. Their sheer mass of numbers will enable them to eliminate the human race and take over the world."
She laughed. I'll admit, it was a good laugh. She had a great smile. Now it was her turn.
"I believe that superheroes exist and live in secret."
Interesting.
Now the coach spoke again. It was time to think of something very heartfelt and serious to tell your partner. Easy. But this time, I wasn't going to fuck around. I don't joke about things I feel strongly about. So I told her the truth.
"My name is not really Ted Bell. I'm only here because a friend of mine asked me to come, and I'm thinking of numerous lies to tell just to see what I can get away with."
She looked me in the eyes for the first time, and the grin on her face spoke loud and clear. She was doing the exact same thing. I had met my Marla Singer. I smiled back and we both realized we were on the same page. When it came her turn to tell me something serious, she didn't say a word. We just smiled at eachother and stiffled our laughter. After a few more exercises, paired therapy time was over and it ended with everyone hugging their partner. I didn't even know this girl and she had her boobs pressed against my chest. Sweet.
We ended up sitting next to eachother for the rest of the session. It sounds corny, but it was like we were back in high school again. We were sending text messages back and forth for christ's sake.
The session ended, we grabbed a couple cookies and made our way out the front doors. After laughing our asses off, we exchanged our real names and set a time to hang out this weekend. I think we'll order a pizza and watch Fight Club together.
User Reviews
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-07-07 01:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:34:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
So if you were both all giggly and staring at one another:
"It sounds corny, but it was like we were back in high school again"
Does that mean that despite your best efforts the seminar worked?
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OOOOOOOOOOOO! You didn't see that coming.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-07-06 20:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. - Just tell your friend to give the money to me. All I need to bring out her inner child is a couple hours and a bag of psilocybin mushrooms.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-07-06 20:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
His name was Robert Paulson!
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-07-06 18:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I strangely enjoyed this.
Submitted by sean_myung (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
lol that rules
Submitted by calbearspolo (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a legit laugh at this. I can't not give it the proper credit for its accomplishment.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-06 17:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, but for real, nobody cares who you are, this is the internet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
GAY-AYYY!
Submitted by corporate_drone0723 (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tourist
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-06 16:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am reading Invisible Monsters right now.
this could be a good story if you hadn't started your uber career in a non beleivable fashion.
Submitted by disAbled (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for Fight Club references.
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Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:35:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
i prefer "Choke" so tell me when go
to one of THOSE group sessions.
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I like Choke and Diary, but I think they lack the intensity of Fight Club. Chuck Palahniuk is the fucking man.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THIS ALMOST REMINDS ME OF YUOR ROLE IN PAPILLON (WHICH WAS NOT AS GOOD AS KRAMAR VS KRAMAR)
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hi. I'm a warm beer and a line of coke off a hooker's ass."
Thats what the name stand on my desk reads. Small world huh.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not real!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Would have got a plus two if you put it in her pooper, come on man this is Ubersite.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i prefer "Choke" so tell me when go
to one of THOSE group sessions.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So if you were both all giggly and staring at one another:
"It sounds corny, but it was like we were back in high school again"
Does that mean that despite your best efforts the seminar worked?
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-06 15:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This might be the best writing in the world, I would have no idea. I can't get past the first line. I'm Dennis...... WHO GIVES A FUCK