Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? (1086 hits)
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Rating: 1.84 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-07-06 21:54:31 EDT
My biggest fear, besides eternity, is fish hooks.
Like most phobias, I have no real reason to be afraid of fish hooks. I've never been hooked by one, had a close encounter with hooking (besides that night I spent on the corner of Michigan Avenue and Main, but that's an entirely different story), never even been so much as tickled by one of their metallic points. Yet I will still flinch before someone casts, I still refuse to bait a worm and I find myself constantly checking the integrity of all set aside poles.
For years my father had thought me typically girly when I refused to thread an earthworm through the tip of a hook and he had done nothing but tease me when I swung a caught fish over to him, so he could skillfully jerk the hook free. Many times I've heard the "Slime Wont Hurt You" lecture, without revealing my true motives for avoiding fishing. I couldn't tell anyone that I feared fish hooks more than death, because everyone already knows how irrational and neurotic I am, and I dislike the idea of giving them more ammunition in their war of proving that I, poor little me, was growing crazier and crazier.
I feel like I owe it to you to list my fears, in order of... fear:
Eternity
Fish Hooks
Going Crazy
My Dog Getting Hurt
Death
My fear of eternity is a little more rational than my fear of hooks. I am terrified by the thought that I will never end. Don't bother pointing out that I won't always be 'aware', because that just doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that I will never ever ever ever (etc) find rest. I will always exist, and most of my existence will be nothing. I could never kill myself because I'd rather be alive and miserable than dead and... nothing.
I know that it's still an irrational fear, and I think I'm beginning to accept this fear, because I can talk about it now. Well, no, I can't talk about it, but I can write about it, which is just as good as talking. I realized how scared I was of eternity when I was 5. Nothing had happened by that point in my life to make me such a pessimistic, sad, melancholic child. It just happened. The only explanation I have for my early misery is this: I was born sad. Anyway, I remember being 5, and realizing what eternity was, and spending the next 20 years guarding this secret fear. I was more likely to confess to puncturing the neighbors dog with 8197 fish hooks than to admit that I feared eternity. It was something I was sure nobody ever had thought about, and I couldn't bear to think that I might ruin someone elses life by clueing them in on what eternity really meant.
But I don't care enough about you guys to care if I ruin your lives. Sorry about that.
So, getting back to the fish hook thing, let me tell you what happened to me this weekend.
I arrived at our vacation home around 4 on Friday night. I hurried to open the back door of my car, so as to release my dog from his cramped confines and retrieve my bags. The fact that my dog barreled towards the back yard neither surprised nor worried me. After dropping my junk near the side door, I went around back to say hello to everyone. My nephews were fishing into the canal, and surprisingly enough, I didn't even have one thought of fish hooks as I waved hello to them, and went to talk to my sister.
This free-from-thinking-about-fish-hooks moment ended as soon as I saw my dog running through the yard, trailed by a fishing pole.
"Hey! He might have a hook in him!" was my sisters obvious observation. I ran after my dog and threw my body on to him. We both toppled to the ground, and I slowly followed the string of fishing line past the bobber, and down to the dogs skin.
Sure as fuck, he was hooked. I was facing two of my most serious fears at the same time, and right in line with my aforementioned neuroticism, I promptly screamed, cried, screamed again, and fainted. Thankfully it wasn't a big dramatic "everyone look at her!" type faint. It was just a momentary loss of consciousness, which I recovered from quickly enough to continue to hold my dog still.
As my sister poked at my dog, trying to remove the hook, I continued to cry. She was obviously annoyed with my emotional outburst, but she was smart enough to keep quiet about it. She preformed a miraculous mini-surgery, and the hook was removed. Although my dog didn't seem to notice the hook in his side, he still flinches when I get too close, surely on guard against another surprise tackle.
My other fears will surely come to fruition. I will go crazy, I'm sure... it's just a matter of "when". I think I'll end up dying, too.
User Reviews
Submitted by dimedork (user info) at 2006-02-28 01:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a phobia of june bugs. Just the thought of being in a small space with one of the little bastards is enough to make me panic. It's rather annoying, really.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-22 00:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt read it; but i found this article HILARIOUS!
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1127357708541714929
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-22 00:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So.. who's the little bastard that went dog-fishing?
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2005-09-21 23:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear many things but I fear my mind the most. I know the feeling of going on and on with no purpose or meaning, I think that is life most of the time if you think about.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-07 13:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am afraid of whirling blades... helicopters, ceiling fans, etc etc
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-07 09:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to fuckin' hell, Spook, I'm sure there's things out there that would have you crying like a bitch.
My only fear is for my children and THEIR lives and it's more of a constant worry than anythng else.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-07-07 08:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can always count on women to lose it at the most ridiculous times.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-07 08:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear reindeer and snowman... but not in that order
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-07 02:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-07 02:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My dad got a fishing hook stuck in his back one time as he was casting out. It was gross. He had to go to the hospital. It was all kinds of barbed.
My fears are death (or more precisely what's after it), puppets, and loud noises.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2005-07-07 01:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-07 01:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm afraid of my kids dying before I do.
That is all.
Submitted by Snypavat (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i have no fear of fish hooks, but i am afraid of spiders, scorpions, centipedes, being off-balance on a tall ladder/roof, and walking around my room in the dark for fear of stubbing toes.
i laughed at the dog tackling part at the end.
is it ironic that fish hooks are considered tackle?
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that was sarcastic?????
i'm shattered, and i retract the 'haha' i gave to one of his posts.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Knuckles - Shandy asked to have his ratings removed. His giving this a 0 - or a -2 or a +2 - makes no difference at all to the rating of the thing.
I like how you went and gave his a sarcastically shitty rating, too. That was mature of you.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-06 23:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:44:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
The scariest thing that could ever happen:
If all the air in the world suddenly turned to wood.
---
when you say 'wood', what, erm, exactly do you mean?
taken a certain way, girls like corinne wouldn't fine that scary at all. they'd love it!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you liked it why didnt you rate it dipshit?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you better avoid sydney.
year ago some eccentric homeless fellow, now famous and revered, spent his life grafitiing the word 'eternity' all over the city: http://www.wesleymission.org.au/publications/eternity/eternity.htm
this is a nice little story, btw
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The scariest thing that could ever happen:
If all the air in the world suddenly turned to wood.
Think about it...
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah whenever i fish i always hook my finger, or did i mean whenever i get a hooker my finger smells like fish. aww dammit forget it.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you hate fish hooks, then beware! Never watch the movie "Itchi The Killer"
Aside from hanging a man from large fish hooks, it is quite possibly the worst independent film to come out of Japan.
EVAR.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too have a slight fear of fish hooks but mine is because I was actually hooked by a few. When I was little I went into a storage closet and pulled down a whole bunch of old fishing gear on my head and all these little fishhooks got stuck in my hair and attached to my skiin and I stepped on two while I started freaking out. Yeah my mom had to hold me down while my Aunt pulled them all out so I wouldnt do more damage to myself. I was a moron kid.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where have you been? I've been wanting to talk to ya...
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Corinne is great. She eats chocolate cake. Maybe.
When I was four I put a worm on a fish hook. I'm pretty proud of that, I think it exemplifies my harcoredness, and my general indifference toward the the supposed sacredness of the lives of fellow creatures big and small. I also poked a dead fish in the eye that day.
I fear living poorly more than death.
Anyway, good post.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kevin: You know, when I was a kid about your age, I became frightened that one day I would swallow a ping-pong ball.
Trevor: Why?
Kevin: i don't know. I think it had something to do with those wooden clowns with the turning heads at the Pork Festival. But I got real stuck on the idea. I couldn't shake it - couldn't sleep, couldn't eat.
Trevor: That's crazy.
Kevin: Yeah, well, most fears are, son.
Trevor: How did you get over it?
Kevin: I said to myself, I have to deal with this. I have to confront it. So I swallowed one.
Trevor: Wasn't that dangerous?
Kevin: Bloody near killed me.
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm afraid of jellyfish. Girly, I know. But if there's even a SNIFF of one in the water, I am outta there! Funnily enough though, they don't scare me once they're washed up on land. We used to dig big holes on the beach, scoop hundreds of dead jellyfish into them (it was an all-day task), cover them with sand then take turns running through them. Yeah, we were pretty feral, and a jellyfish sting between the toes hurts like shit.
Also, earwigs. I remember when I was young we put up a two-person tent in our backyard (always planning to sleep out there but never quite making it). It has been up for a few days when I decided to climb on in. Turns out there were dozens, maybe hundreds, or earwigs crawling around in there. They then started to climb all over me. All I could do was scream, and my sister had to turn a hose on me to get me to move. I still shudder at the memory.
My final phobia is white honda civic hatchbacks...them fuckers are everywhere.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My fears, in order;
Peanuts.
Brussels.
Dining and Delivery until 4:00 a.m. EVERYDAY!
Tie-Dye
People. People really scare me. Especially people in clown costumes. Fucking clown people. Clown people must die!!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're back! You are weird but intriguing.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-06 22:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing I'm afraid of is suddenly being translocated to A) the bottom of the ocean, somewhere in a trench, with long enough topanic and know I'll die before the pressure crushes me; B) millions of years ago, surrounded by me-eating dinosaurs with no way to get back.
What? You'd be scared, too, if you'd ever thought of it.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-06 21:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm afraid of dying alone and sitcoms from the 70's.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-06 21:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fish every day, so I can't say I understand where you're coming from.
I'm afraid of Shlongy. He's big, he's bad, he'll kick your internet ass.