The Church Wins The Homeless Olympics (577 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SammySam (View user info) at 2005-07-07 11:50:03 EDT
If there were Homeless Olympics they would either be hosted by or consecutively won by the Catholic Church. I say this because they are the foremost professionals and most proficient group dedicated to the extraction of money from passer-bys. While cleverly disguising normal homeless tactics to achieve their goal, they have set the bar for begging, and brought it into a new acquired profession. These tactics include:
Free Hand Outs
Whenever I go to the airport I'm constantly confronted by seemingly nice people who give me things. But these "free" items do not come without a certain burden of guilt. Normally these "free" items come in the form of American Sign Language deciphering cards, or pins supporting the deaf. While these items are fun to play with for about 3.6 seconds they quickly lose their luster. Shortly after, that seemingly nice person comes by looking for their "free" items too (read: money). While in church the "free" item they like to hand out is a paltry serving of wine and crackers. Then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles. They gave me something now I must return the favor. However much like my airport items theirs also lose their luster quickly. If you want to feed me then fucking feed me. If you want to give me wine than at least give me enough to get me fucking drunk. Then and only then might I give you some hard earned cash. At least in the airport those bitches have finally learned to print the $2.00 price on the card, so that now I know they are going to try to fuck me later. They should just put in a tollbooth at the doors to the church next time. That'll save me any surprises.
The Long Winded Story
"And then Jeremiah said among the heavens and angels that blah your blah, and you shall blah forgiven. Blah beckoned back upon the mountain top blah that blah to the valley of the blah of death. Then blah forever blah in the blah of the blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah." This is a very common tactic that is used by the drunken Mexican homeless, who for some reason needs $1.50 more to get a bus ticket to Albuquerque. Funny how he needs just a dollar fifty, even more interesting is that that's the same price of a 22 oz. Country Club malt liquor. Anyway that tactic is common because it confuses us, bores us, and makes us ask "what the fuck is it gonna take to shut this fucker up?" In the street comes the finger after the story is finished. Instead in church comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Touch
This a very common tactic used primarily on the east coast, normally by the Washington D.C. bum although it was invented by the New York Bum. This tactic is the "look how cold my hands are feel em, touch em. Hey nice gloves you got there sir." This tactic is used to show that yes I may be a bum but my hands are really fuckin cold, I wish I could keep them warm by some other means than fondling my genitals. This is a point all in its own... No matter what, under no circumstance, never touch the bum's hands. Anyway this is done to show you that the bum is alive, has feelings and is as important as you; please give him money as he would like to have gloves too. In church this tactic takes the form of stand up and meet / bless those around you. Stand there and shake everyone's hands, talk to them, tell them you care. Then realize that they are all human too and need your support. We are all the same in this world and need to rely on one another. Then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Show Me The Money!
These bums are the best bums by far and in many cases can be actually quite talented. These are the bums that you will commonly find on the Santa Monica 3rd street promenade. They are the bums that have an act or some other form of entertainment where they actually "work" for their money. They are commonly referred to as "street performers" as opposed to "circus performers" I suppose. Don't get me wrong these bums I like, they are good at what they do, and are actually trying to earn the dough. I find a close resemblance in these "performers" and the "performances" at church. We sing, we listen to the choir, how beautiful, what nice voices, see what they provide us with? Then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Repeat After Me
Bum - "Mumble mumble mumble, Doritos, mumble"
Me - "Doritos?"
Bum - "Doritos!" "mumble, mumble, paper shredder, mumble"
Me - "Paper shredder?"
Bum - "Paper shredder!" "mumble, mumble, mumble, wife and kids, mumble."
Me - "Wife and kids?"
Bum - "Wife and kids!" "mumble, mumble, mumble, dollar fifty?"
Me - "Doritos, paper shredder, wife and kids, dollar fifty?"
Bum - "Yeah!"
Me - "Fuck you!"
This is a tactic used to get two people agreeing on similar interest and then poppin the big question hoping you won't catch it. Instead of the priest mumbling though he just uses a shitty mic with too much distortion. Does this sound familiar?
Priest - "Chrr, crackle, chchchch, humulumbalunda, Hallelujah!"
Me - "Hallelujah?"
Priest - "Hallelujah!" "Chrr, crackle, chchchch, humulumbalunda, Hallelujah!"
Me - "Hallelujah?"
Priest - "Hallelujah!" "Chrr, crackle, chchchch, humulumbalunda, Hallelujah!"
Me - "Hallelujah?"
Priest - "Hallelujah!" "Amen!"
Then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Feel Bad For Me
The signs will read "I have no legs", "I need dialysis", "1'm nuck1ng fu7s?!?#$%", or some other pathetic type signs with numbers where letters should be, shit written backwards, and basically looking like it was written by a 3 year old. These bums as we all know are the off ramp bums the ones so worthless that all they can do is sit there with a fucking sign waiting for us to throw money at them. This, much like everything else we have found today, also relates to the church, only they are a lot less selfless. This tactic instead exploit's the children of third world countries. "Look at this starving child, while my fat ass eats deep fried Twinkies and chicken wings" "send your money; give to the church so that we can provide." Then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Welcome In My Home
No matter if you're outside on the corner or in some fancy shmancy church you are always welcome. A typical statement by the homeless is "Look where I live" pointing to a box in an alley with a shithole (literally a hole for shit) "You're welcome here, if you'd like to but probably not." The church says something similar, when they say "Everyone is welcome in god's house." Of course how many people actually want to chill in a church or in a cardboard box for that matter? They know this but offer it up anyway hoping that maybe you will fell as if you need to help them pay rent simply for offering up their hospitality. Of course then comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
Honesty
Honesty what a simple concept. Some bums use this concept after they realize that they cannot trick us anymore with their tomfoolery. The classic "Why lie? I need a beer." sign is a perfect example. This is an attempt to get money from the typical male who could give a fuck and say "well... dude, so do I. Here's a buck 50". Unfortunately the church has yet to figure this one out. Yet still comes the bucket, passed up and down the aisles.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-10 20:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-07 15:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*wink*
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-07 15:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You do your research, I'll give you that. However...I didn't find this offensive, just wrong. And I, of course, cannot let a fellow Uber lie in a puddle of...badness.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-07 13:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Obviously, you're not familiar with what an 'indulgence' is...
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-07-07 13:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-06-05 13:42:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is half the shit on here funny you stupid, ignorant asswipe? If I wanted your dumbass questions I'd ask a fucking retard, but I don't. But like I was saying, it's intended to be "blatantly offensive," and I'm sure if you're Jewish, it was. Otherwise, I'm not sure why you have a problem with it.
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Oh look all I got to do is change "jewish" to "catholic" and it's a perfect reply for you.
Thanks for doing all my work for me.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-07 13:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Churches get exemptions, that's true, but exemptions don't exactly create money.
And we don't get grants, or subsidies. I'll tell you what we do get, though: a lot ignorant bullshit from ignorant...morons such as yourself.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-07 12:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-07 12:37:19 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm confused. How is a non-profit organization supposed to support itself, if not by charity? I'm sure you have a better idea, and please share it, because I know a few people who would REALLY rather not depend on their laypeople for their income (read: parents). It sure would be nice if money just like...I don't know, spewed from baptismal fonts, but it doesn't.
That, and you don't have to be there, nor are you obligated to even give anything. So stop bitching, or at least make it funny next time.
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Hmm, how would something be funded if not by charity? Grants, exepmtions, subsidies. I'm pretty sure that some of these things help with funding, but then again, I'm a moron.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-07 12:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm confused. How is a non-profit organization supposed to support itself, if not by charity? I'm sure you have a better idea, and please share it, because I know a few people who would REALLY rather not depend on their laypeople for their income (read: parents). It sure would be nice if money just like...I don't know, spewed from baptismal fonts, but it doesn't.
That, and you don't have to be there, nor are you obligated to even give anything. So stop bitching, or at least make it funny next time.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-07 12:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times. I can't get on either.