Drunk Ass-Cheese Vendor (SPT) (1232 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NumLock (View user info) at 2005-07-07 14:17:03 EDT
My 4th of July weekend didn't go exactly as planned.
Original plans: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69788
It all started when I called my friend a drunk ass-cheese vendor.
I showed up at Mark's house around 11:30am on Sunday, half in the bag. I had been in Boston the night before playing bar golf, and when I woke up on Sunday, i started drinking right away to. Mark lives on one of the busier streets in my quiet little town, and we decided it would be fun to nurse our hangovers (aka get drunk) in the front yard watching the cars drive by. This continued for the better part of Sunday afternoon. People started showing up to party around 5:00 or so ..and sure enough, I was hammered.
The night wore on, and the kegs were flowing ..just like the alcohol in my bloodstream. I was playing beirut (or 'Beer-Pong' for the Canadian and retarded readers) pretty horribly at the time. I think i might have hit one cup.. and by ' hit one cup' ..i mean actually hit it ..with an empty beer can. Yep, I was throwing empties at the other team. Appearantly, this is the sort of childish/drunk behavior that pisses the other team off. It was 2 buddies of mine, Sal and Ricky, but they were pretty pissed at me for throwing shit at them. I heard them mutter a couple remarks about my level of intoxication, at which point I said:
"Shut up Sal you filthy drunk ass-cheese vendor"
Time ..fucking.. stopped.
I'm not sure if people (including myself) knew what I had just said. Everyone was kind of just looking around to try and see if anyone else knew what the fuck just happened.
"Seriously dude? A fucking ass-cheese vendor? What the shit?"
I obviously lost the game of beirut ..no matter, I could tell I was under Sal's skin a little bit. I staggered around the premesis for a bit until I saw Sal walking towards me at an accelerated pace. He had something in his hand but I couldnt tell what. He also had a croud of 6-7 people behind him, all with shit-eating grins on their faces. He comes up to me and holds up a can of Cheez Balls.
I tried to figure out what the fuck he was gonna do, but I couldn't.
"Race" he said.
"Race?"
"Yea, we'll race"
"Uhh.. no thanks i'm not hungry"
He grins..
"That might not even matter good buddy"
Thats when it hit me. I called him an ass-cheese vendor a little while ago. I knew immediately what he wanted to do.
"We'll go from here, to the fence and back with 4 cheez balls wedged in our ass cracks" Is what he said as he pointed to the fence that stood probably 30 yards away, while shaking the cheez balls in his other hand. "4 Cheez Balls AT ALL TIMES ..someone will be running along side the both of us to make sure we dont drop any"
(giggles ensue from the croud of people eager to see the now infamous 'Ass-Cheez Vendor Showdown' ..which had grown from 6 to about 15)
Sal holds up a finger trying to hush everyone up
Then he said it.
"Loser has to eat the participating cheeze balls"
Have you ever tried wedging 6 cheese balls in your ass crack? If you have, please let me know who you are so I can stay very, very far away. It was not a comfortable situation. Here I am, standing with my shorts below my ass.. basically mooning everyone in sight ..in a ready position so that i can race to the fence and back in hopes of not eating Cheeze Balls with a side of swamp ass.
Someone gives us the countdown. I'm in the zone. I hear 'GO!!' and man did I go. My sandals slipped and i fell flat on my face, losing control of 2 Cheeze Balls. I quickly reposition them and almost immediately found the perfect strategy for racing with Cheez Balls stuck in your ass. Power walking. Power walking like the middle aged ladies you see marching all over town with one pound weights in their hands. I was slowly catching up and I hadnt lost a Cheeze Ball yet (minus the first little episode). We hit the opposite fence at almost the same time, but in the transition peroid of turning around, a couple of Sal's Cheeze Balls got dislodged and he had a hard time finding them for a second. Finally his 'spotter' finds it and Sal is back in action. He sees that im a little bit ahead so he makes a break for it. He starts sprinting, I look back and see him comming like a freight train. I started power walking faster, I thought I had it locked until the last second.
Time again stopped, we were at the finish line, whoever crosses it first, wins. It was at this point I found the fault in my power walking strategy.. i'm standing completely erect. It would have been impossible to change positions and leap for the finish without losing control of the precious Cheez Balls. Sal, having been already hunched over, took a dive for it ..superman style. He won by unanymous decision.
Before that day I loved Cheez Balls just as much as any of you do, but now.. **shudder**..
Moral of the story?
Don't call anyone an Ass-Cheese Vendor, because they are probably thinking the same about you, but you just might be out of stock.
User Reviews
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-07-12 17:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this was written by a more well known poster, I think there would be more reviews compared to the amount of hits.
Oh well!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-08 11:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I momentarily considered what "Cheeze Balls with a side of swamp ass" would taste like. I now actually have a taste stuck in my head like an annoying song. Thanks a lot.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-08 10:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats cheese-tastic
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-07 19:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheezy!
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-07-07 19:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-07 14:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in line at the grocery store behind two country-ass hillbillies. They were arguing and one called the other a "goat nut eating sumbitch."
I, and everyone else within earshot, lost all form of control.
==
Than you can probably understand the level of confusion that ensued once someone broke the 'Ass-Cheese Vendor' barrier.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pesky cheese venders
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:13:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you posted this story without a fucking picture!
I call shennani's
==
I'm at work and without access to the pictures at the time of posting this. And even if I were at home and posted it with the pics, I belive I would receive a lot of "-2DIE's" for subjecting you all to them.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you posted this story without a fucking picture!
I call shennani's
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-07 15:51:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Some toothless redneck at a gas station once called me a "punk-ass jiving nigger" for buying the last 12 pack of Natty Light.
==
I was pissed that I wouldn't be getting drunk that night ..I take it back.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-07 15:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Some toothless redneck at a gas station once called me a "punk-ass jiving nigger" for buying the last 12 pack of Natty Light.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-07 14:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I blame reality television for this.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-07 14:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was in line at the grocery store behind two country-ass hillbillies. They were arguing and one called the other a "goat nut eating sumbitch."
I, and everyone else within earshot, lost all form of control.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-07 14:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't play this game, my ivory-steel buttocks would grind those cheez balls to flinders!
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-07-07 14:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uhhh
mmm
yup
+2