Slurpees, Birds, and Erections (SPT) (599 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.33 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by notyou (View user info) at 2005-07-07 16:27:12 EDT
I turned, pointing the remote car locking mechanism at my Chevy Lumina and pressed the button that used to say Lock. It had long since been rubbed off from use. The car used to beep to inform everyone that it was locked, it also used to have an alarm. Now it just has a blinking red light that is supposed to deter would-be thiefs, course the huge sideswipe dent on the passenger door and the rear bumper that it about to fall off probably does a good enough job of that, or simply that it is a Chevy Lumina.
As I walked through the Safeway parking lot, something didn't feel right. Like something was missing, or something was added, like a drink left out at a party when you go to the bathroom. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something felt wrong, out of place. So I readied myself for whatever lay ahead. I crouched down and moved slowly toward the entrance to Safeway, looking left and right for anything out of the ordinary.
*HONK*
In my haste to prepare myself for anything, I had forgotten to look behind me and a car had crept up behind me and was an audiance for my entire episode of crouching and creeping like a crazy. I quickly stood up and ran out of the way to the other side of the road. During my lapse in readyness, two of my senses were assaulted.
*CAW* *CAW*
A bird, flying high in the air, announced its presence and I saw its shadow blocking out the sun directly below me...
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I had decided earlier that a Safeway sandwich and a Slurpee were all I needed to survive the rest of my day at work. So, on my lunch break I had headed for Safeway first. This is only important as it shows where the aforementioned bird probably was when its shadow was cast almost directly where I was standing.
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Just then, another of my senses was assaulted in the form of pain from the top of my head. That lunatic bird landed square on my head and tried to use my balding (not bald, not yet) spot to grab on. Luckily, there isn't much to grab onto there and as I did a somersault to dislodge the filthy beast it took off and landed on top of a luminescence enhancing erection in the parking lot and stared down at me with those beady eyes, mocking my lack of flying ability.
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I didn't want to use the word erection, but finding this definition, I was forced to.
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/thesaurus?book=Thesaurus&va=erection
Entry Word: erection
Function: noun
Text: something put together by arranging or connecting an array of parts <when it was brand-new, the Eiffel Tower was considered as ugly an erection as Europe had ever seen>
User Reviews
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-16 18:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, same here.
Oh well.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Me neither.
Submitted by BlindMelon (user info) at 2005-07-12 07:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've searched everywhere but I couldn't find a point to this post. Not even a small one.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-07 18:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:31:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom seems to like it Jack.
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My mom died years ago, and frankly I'm getting a little tired of you necrophiliac fuckmonkeys digging her up.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your mom seems to like it Jack.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-07 17:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"When it was brand-new, the Eiffel Tower was considered as ugly an erection as Europe had ever seen."
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I'm sure that opnion has changed in light of jimthefiend's last post...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70119
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-07-07 16:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment