Mr. Spielberg, I want my money back now (948 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.59 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by XFile (View user info) at 2005-07-07 19:46:53 EDT
Before I start on my little rant, please bear in mind that I live part way around the globe, and the following movie was released a few days ago. I am fully aware that for most of you, this movie has been around for ages, and that many have seen the movie already.
So, here it is in all it's glory.
War of the Worlds
-or-
Why mr. Spielberg should have read the freakin' book before making another piece of shit alien movie vaguely based on a story he once heard someone tell.
Allow me to explain.
This movie is plagued by obvious mistakes and huge gaping plot holes, not to mention a kid who is damn annoying.
It all begins when we see mr. Cruise getting home for work. For some odd non-work related reason there is an engine block right on the dinner table. WHY? Oh, that's right, it means he knows a great deal about cars. Otherwise he could never give the tip to the guy who works in a garage on how to fix a van. Not only does he know how to fix the problem, he knows it so well he doesn't even have to look inside the van. Now that's good! Never mind the fact that there is a trained technician who has been busting his balls to repaid the damn thing. And what is up with everyone knowing Tom's character by name? Is he a local celebrity or something?
Due to some freak lighting, all technology is out, and suddenly a huge alien contraption rises from under the ground. Pretty neat. This is all preceded by a minor earthquake and people still think it's a good idea to stay in the immediate vicinity of the mysterious hole, from which the shakes seem to emanate. Being New Yorkers I guess they are used to hang around pot holes all the time that another one doesn't seem to be a big deal, even though it's the epicentre of a minor quake.
So the machine rises. Instead of fleeing right away, people first think it's wise to hang around and look at it a bit before acting. Maybe take a few snapshots of it or make a videotape.
WHAT?
I thought the EMP lightning disabled all technological devices? Wait, the excellent writers of the movie made a tiny reference that it might be possible, if the device is powered by batteries. Hence the fact that Tom grabs a huge load of batteries before he flees with his kids.
Yeah, that would explain it. But wait, wasn't Tom's Nokia disabled as well, and it works on a battery... The weird thing is, the watch Tom has on his wrist has no technology in it, except from a few gears -if you can call that technological these days- the watch should be operational since it doesn't work on electricity or anything.
No movie could be complete without a family. Heck, why not a broken one? Dad lives alone, gets to watch the kids while the mother is off to visit their grandparents. Seems OK to me. But why did there have to be a screaming brat? I can live with an emo tard for a son, but not an obnoxious, screaming, hysterical small girl. I don't get it either, one minute she is wise beyond her years, the next she screams her head off luring hordes of aliens towards her. Or running out of a basement straight into the open while dad tries to find her. Panic can do strange things to a person. Coolest moments in the movie are when daddy tries to prevent her to see the horrors of the invasion, and she sees dozens of bodies float by in the river. How's trauma for you, bitch?! On the Wil-Wheaton-As-An-Annoying-Child-Star-Scale™ she scores a whoping 9.8 out of 10. Where 0 being the lowest and 10 the highest.
The family eventually makes it to the mothers home, where the lights are all on. Ok, the EMP wave didn't hit here. Suddenly they must hide in the back of the basement, because a plane is crashing nearby which happens to sound a bit like an alien Tri-Pod rising. What a coincidence. Tom surveys the damage in the morning. Half the house is blown away (althought it looks pretty clean except for a missing wall here and there and a flipped chair), the neighbourhood is gone. But miraculously, the car in which they arrived is undamaged! Not only that, but the plane conveniently broke up into multiple pieces so they can use the car to follow the road which is clear of debris. I recognize bullshit when I see it, and I swear I could smell it through the speakers of the theatre too. Also, in this very scene it is revealed how the aliens got their pilots exactly into the alien crafts, they ride along the EMP lightning. What a coincidence that the camera crew was there to film it... HEY WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE! HOW COULD THEY HAVE FILMED IT IF ALL TECHNOLOGY WENT DEAD?! HOW CAN THE NEWSVAN BE DRIVING AROUND THE COUNTRY IF IT WAS IN THE CITY WHEN THE LIGHTNING STRUCK?!!!
Tom is a great dad, btw. Son wants to see the horrors of battle which can be seen just up the hill were a detachment of the army was slaughtered, the daughter is being carried away to safety at the same time. Tom has to decide who he is going to get. Who would you choose? The son who is walking towars the alien menace, or the daughter who is safe at the moment? If it were up to me, I'd drag the son along, then try and get back to the girl. Heck, if Dakota Fanning was my daughter, I would've send her up the hill instead.
Father and daughter get 'rescued' by a crazed fuck eventually, who drags them into a basement. The crazed guy comes up with his theory about how the aliens must have hid the machines thousands, perhaps millions of years ago. This scene is key because it explains why the Tti-Pods where located beneath the earth, instead of the machines coming from above like in the original works. The first movie was to hype up the red-scare in the fifties or so, with this one Spielberg tries to tell us that the true danger today might come from within your own country. I like the idea of what Spielberg tries to say, but next time, keep to the book, because the in-movie explanation sucks. Why? I tell you why.
Let's say the old guy was right, and the ships might have been there for millions of years. The opening of the movie states that the earth is attacked out of envy, out of hatred for humanity. OK, I can buy that, it's an old story anyway, and wars have started for similar reasons.
But really, millions, heck even thousands of years ago we were basically monkeys. Am I really to believe all powerful aliens saw our kind and thought it would be better if they'd drank out our blood?
An alien conversation:
Alien1: Hey, have you heard about those monkey like things on planet Earth?
Alien2: What the fuck is Earth?
A1: It's that huge blue/green globe next door.
A2: Ah, that! Why do we call it Earth?
A1: We don't, but those monkeys will do that in about a million years from now!
A2: Those monkey faced bastards! I hate them!
A1: Me too, they seriously have to go! Calling that blue/green globe 'Earth' and all!
A2: YEAH! Let's burry some ships so in time, we can go there and kick their asses, just in case the call that globe 'Earth'!
A1: Excellent plan! I'll grab the shovels!
Nope, nuh-uh, I don't buy it. That's about the stupidest thing I ever heard. For several reasons.
First, how could they know how our society would develop? I know they've been watching us and all, but why hide ships 'just in case'?
Second, they must have been here before, the Tri-Pods do not function without pilots, so they must have brought them down and buried them. Never mind unstable regions with earthquakes which might destroy a couple of them in the years to come. Heck, what if manking accidentally find one of the ships? Since they had to hide the ships first, chances are they had to breath our atmosphere. Wasn't that kind of the thing that killed them in the end?
Third, any civilization that exists. develops itself. In the time that passed between burying the ships and for the aliens to actually use the vessels there have been no more scientific breakthroughs? No more new technological achievements? Heck, no social reforms that opted that the earthlings should be left alone? You are to tell me some alien power held a grudge for no apparent reason for thousands/millions of years?
Bah, the movie plain sucked. If in fact Steven Spielberg had read the original book, and made the movie exactly like it, this movie could have been saved. Now it's nothing more than cheap trash where no thought had gone into. People say that only a few minor details had been changed; setting, characters, timeframe, premise. Well whoop-di-fucking-doo people, those minor details were what mattered the most.
I'll have my money back now, please.
User Reviews
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-08 12:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AMOEBAS, YOU FUCKWIT, AMOEBAS
Man came from single celled organisms the first time around, who's to say it hasn't happened before, or will happen again?
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-07-08 12:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:27:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
This has more plot holes than the movie, you dumb fuck.
The earth has been around 3.5 billion years.
Man has been around 7 million years, and that's being generous.
It's possible that we're not the first race of man on this planet, nor the last. The aliens might have already been here, exterminated the last race of man, and planted the ships to exterminate the next race when the earth was ready for them to habitate.
I don't know if habitate is a word. It's most likely not.
My point is IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE YOU FUCKING HOMONERD DIPSHIT JUST WATCH IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
How would there be a next race of man if the previous was exterminated?
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-08 11:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, I just couldn't read this.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-07-08 10:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dakota fanning is scary smart. i bet her first grade tutor was like, "whoa, just whoa...fucking algebra? get the fuck outta here. just go...your brain is way bigger than mine."
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-07-08 09:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i, also, am baffled by the sidescrolling.
i didn't really care for this post, i kinda enjoyed the movie (5/10).
however, my hatred of dakota fanning's movie roles is increasing every time i see that little brat on the screen. no child (that age) talks like that. ever!
i don't know why, but her faux genius drives me up the wall. do people actually believe that her character could be real?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-08 09:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good post. I get what you're saying and had similar thoughts but I still enjoyed the movie. It's just entertainment after all, not a constitution.
-1 for that somewhat stupid line "Where 0 being the lowest and 10 the highest" No shit?!!
Why did I have to scroll too?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-08 08:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Review
My Review: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69770
Submitted by hobbs (user info) at 2005-07-08 06:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-07-08 00:32:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
good frickin lord
your parents might want to ask for their tax money back
did you even GO to a school that offered english classes?
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wtf man, WTF?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-08 04:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by XFile (user info) at 2005-07-08 04:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In my defense: English is not my primary language (Dutch is), and I wrote it after I got back from the theatre (which was around 2 am).
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-07-08 02:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree...over-hyped piece of shit.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-07-08 00:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
good frickin lord
your parents might want to ask for their tax money back
did you even GO to a school that offered english classes?
Submitted by icanusebigwords2 (user info) at 2005-07-07 23:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was exactly what i was thinking when i watched the movie. "Why didn't the subways run into one of the burried tripods?" "How does Tom Cruise et. al. fall into freezing cold water and not catch hypothermia?" "If the aliens had been to this planet before don't you think they would have been smart enough to build life support systems into their caft/ wear protective suits?" "WTF did Speilberg not explain the red viny things?" "Why didn't the army use EMPs on the aliens? Well at least Speilberg accurately conveyed Tom Cruise's homosexuality.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-07 21:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-2 for TERRIBLE grammar and spelling.
+1 for the Wil Wheaton joke, that was pretty nice.
+1 for disliking the movie, particularly Dakota Fanning's role- she's a good actress, but that role was just a fucking joke.
No movement for your anger- you could have salvaged that one, but it seemed too contrived.
Finally, -1 for the alien "conversation". That was pretty horrible.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, get over it. life is too short
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I loved it, kid was a good actor, thought the tri-pods were awesome, don't really care about plotholes, every movie has shitloads of them if your comparing it to reality. Honestly who cares about a little thing like a few cameras surviving an EMP wave, when the aliens have obviously broken THE LAWS OF PHYSICS to travel to earth. And how do you know it was EMP, maybe they targeted individual electronic objects. Or better yet maybe a race that can travel in lightning and build mile high machines knows something you don't. OR MAYBE IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you have the ability to read (reviews) OR,
If you have to ability to see (the 'trailers')
Then you have noone to blame but yourself.
"There's a sucker born everyday" P T Barnum
Submitted by Tinglydwarf (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
War of the Worlds sucked massive donkey cock. If I would've known it was going to be a shit fest I would ate some Ex-Lax so I could take a huge shit on the screen.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This has more plot holes than the movie, you dumb fuck.
The earth has been around 3.5 billion years.
Man has been around 7 million years, and that's being generous.
It's possible that we're not the first race of man on this planet, nor the last. The aliens might have already been here, exterminated the last race of man, and planted the ships to exterminate the next race when the earth was ready for them to habitate.
I don't know if habitate is a word. It's most likely not.
My point is IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE YOU FUCKING HOMONERD DIPSHIT JUST WATCH IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That movie pissed me off. I should've just watched Star Wars for the fifth time...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for subject but it was longer than my...well it was long.
and my dick is entertaining 100% of the time.
so +1
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 since I found it to be ok, but too boring to read in its entirety.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-07 20:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, I heard it sucked
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-07 19:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for Wil Wheaton