My Car Got Broken Into and How I Hate My Property Managers (902 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Starving Ethiopian (View user info) at 2005-07-09 23:03:14 EDT
I recently moved into a new apartment. It was a good move for me, I am closer to work and more importantly, I don't have to share a bathroom. At first I was kind of sad knowing that I can't hang out with my roomates/friends as often as we used to, but that quickly changed after realizing that I will no longer have to put experience toilets clogged with their ICBM sized feces.
A reason why I chose my current apartment is because it had gated underground parking for the tenants. Sounds safe, right? They even had surveillance cameras set-up around the garage to lull me into a false sense of security.
Everything went without a hitch for a couple of weeks after I moved in and life was good.
Until some fucktard broke into my car.
I woke up that particular morning to meet up with my friend for lunch. She arrived and then we headed down to the garage to get my car. Everything looked alright until I stuck my key in the door and caught a glimpse of the inside of my car. My ashtray (thankfully with no ashes) was laying on my passenger seat. My stomach sank as I came to the realization that someone broke into my car. I quickly yanked my car door open to find the extent of the loss. Here are among some of the things that were stolen:
- My CDs. (obviously, but I got the last laugh on that one because 95% of my CDs were burnt)
- All my change. This is when I started laughing hysterically because all I had in my change holder were nickles and pennies. Probably less than two dollars worth, oh the things poor people will do.
- A bottle of body spray one of friends left behind. Maybe the guy wasn't feeling so fresh as he was rooting through my shit, or maybe "he" was a "she."
- My pair of contact lenses. Not only was the guy wanting to smell like strawberry lilac, he also was suffering from 20/270 vision and was in a desperate need of a set of -3.00 power contacts.
Either the guy was stupid or he didn't have enough room because my CD deck was not taken, even though he stole my screwdrivers from my toolbox that would have made the taking of my deck a snap. He also did not take my $200 skates. Idiot.
Figuring the loss was minimal, we got into my car and when I put the key in the ignition, I saw it; the plastic ring was popped off, exposing the metal ignition cylinder for my key.
The motherfucker tried to steal my car.
Thats when I lost it. You see, my car and I have a very special bond just short of me sticking my hard-on in its tailpipe. We've been to California and back, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend as I was driving it, and made countless other roadtrips. I beamed like a proud father seeing his kid take his first steps when I saw the muffler shop install the new cat-back system on her. The feeling that I had when I heard that rumbling exhaust note was equilvalent to a parent hearing their child speaking his first word. I even gave her a name: Pandora.
In a cliche symbolism, my car was like my girlfriend. You can check her out all you want, salivate, and have your demented twisted fanatasies about her, but as soon as you tried to stick it in her, I will grab you by the back of your head and pummel it repeatedly into a reinforced concrete pillar until your face resembles Campbell's Chunky Tomato Soup. Then I will consume your soul by dipping a breadstick into your tomato soup face, savoring every bite. Needless to say, I was incensed.
I spoke with the operations manager on Monday. When I was speaking to her, I was still incensed, incensed not only at the break-in but also incensed at being misled into believing that their garage was secure. Our conversation went like this:
Me: Incidents like these really make me question the integrity of the security systems you guys have in place.
Her: I understand sir, but unfortunately in a neighborhood like this we cannot prevent these types of events from happening.
Me: Wait a minute, when I moved in, I was told that the parking lot will secure from these very types of events. Now you are telling me otherwise.
Her: Uhh... [proceeds to moisten thumb with mouth and insert up her anus]
Me: Ok, fine. The sign says there are security cameras on site, I want to see who broke into my car.
Her: Actually, there used to be three cameras that covered the whole garage, but two of them have been stolen so only the entrance camera is left.
Me: How long have they been stolen?
Her: It's been a couple of months.
Me: Ok. [stands up, proceeds to slam her head down on her desk and staple her eyelids to her desktop calendar]
Seeing the incompetence of the building management, I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I plan to do a stake out of my building across the street a couple of random nights a week. If I catch anyone sneaking in and trying to break into any car, I will vent my frustrations with this apartment on his face. (If it's a she, I'll be giving her tonsilitis...with my cock) But before I do this, do you guys have any favorite "take-down" moves?
User Reviews
Submitted by Shroom (user info) at 2005-09-27 02:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-8.00 and -8.25.
My glasses are a quarter of an inch thick, when I wear them instead of contacts.
You silly people and your "sight."
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Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:56:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:09:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
-3.25 wooooo
im blinder than j00
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-5.75 in my GOOD eye.
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Y'all might have fucked up lenses in your eyes. But I was born with congenital cataracts. I have NO lense in EITHER eye. Needless to say, my contacts are in the 14's, and my glasses are somewhere around 20.
You think a quarter-inch lense for glasses is thick, you should see the puppies I wear. I shit you not, the left lense just fucking fell out of the frame one day, from it's own weight.
I am teh bl1nd0rn3ss than all of j00.
Sucks about your car, btw. IOt's so fucking pussy to jack shit from someones car. IF anyone ever touches my baby, I'll fucking rape their ass with a suquaro (sp?) cactus.
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2005-07-11 18:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for your devotion to your car...and the interesting pic.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-11 18:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great freakin' pic, dude
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-10 12:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Campbell's Chunky Tomato Soup.
SOLLLLLLLLD to the man in the party hat and straightjacket!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-07-10 10:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I feel you here. Same thing with security in one of my old apartment buildings.
My favorite take down movies are a minor league baseball fight where the batter just loses his shit and charges the pitcher, then kind of ricochets off of him and starts whomping anyone who gets near him. That and the clipI have of Randy Johnson whomping a bird. It explodes in a puff of feathers.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-07-10 08:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some Mexicans broke into my car shortly after moving into my apartment. They took my CD player and a case of Ramen noodles I had in my trunk that I kept forgetting to take inside.
I would suggest a bullet to the kneecap. That usually results in a swift takedown.
Depending on what state you live in, it may actually be legal.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-10 04:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you have all that shit in your car anyway? Looks like an invitation to robbers.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-07-10 03:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-10 02:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-8.00 and -8.25.
My glasses are a quarter of an inch thick, when I wear them instead of contacts.
You silly people and your "sight."
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you have an unhealthy obsession with your vehicle.
In other news, reading a story about someone's car being broken into written by a "Starving Ethiopian" is strangely disconcerting. You might wanna take that into account next time.
Funny story:
Our school was suffering from an epidemic of thefts and vandalism, so security cameras were installed all over the place in order to quell the tide, so to speak. Although I am not sure of this story's authenticity, rumor has it that at some point those security cameras were stolen. How's that for irony?
Also, each one of those things probably costs a gajillion dollars, so they made off with some phat loot, too!
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her: Uhh... [proceeds to moisten thumb with mouth and insert up her anus]
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1105100981199223912
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It really makes you wonder what the thought process of the thief was. He probably got spooked when he couldn't get it started and had to resort to plan B.
I'd take them to court if this ever happens again. Who knows, you might get a thief that's quicker with hot wiring a car next time.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:09:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
-3.25 wooooo
im blinder than j00
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-5.75 in my GOOD eye.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-3.25 wooooo
im blinder than j00
Submitted by ScoobyDont (user info) at 2005-07-10 00:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boo hoo suck my balls.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-07-09 23:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That video is priceless
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-09 23:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweep the leg Johnny.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-09 23:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should've called CSI. They would've found that guy but now you've TAINTED THE EVIDENCE!
Noooooooooooo!