Beer pong or how I bested Jesus (33432 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.79 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple <sopher901.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-10 01:23:54 EDT
This past year while I was away at college, I learned many things. Although many are long lasting teachings and techniques that will help me excel in the work place, some are not. One of the latter techniques I picked was how to throw a ping pong ball across a table and into a plastic cup. We call it beer pong, and I'm great at it.
The last paragraph breaks down the rules for you if have never played before.
Well about midway through the second semester I finally got my release down to a science. Air conditioning on? Adjust initial velocity. Ball soaked in beer? Adjust launch vector three degrees upward, or reparametrize the current space vector according to the darkness of the beer. Sorority girl across from you have a great ass? Adjust rotation of the ball to spin down and to the right so that you do not break eye contact with that delicious can-dy. If you couldn't tell already, I'm studying engineering and by association, obscurity with the opposite sex.
I was dominant to be modest. That's why when I heard of the interdimensional beer pong tournament, I had to sign up.
At first I thought the name was a cute little marketing ploy some frat house had come up with to put Alf on the flyer, but when I got there, I was in for a shock.
Every obscure and not so obscure super being was there to play some beer pong. There was Kiefer Sutherland's character from the Lost Boys, the midget from the Safety Dance music video, the Hulk, Jesus, the original closet homosexual blue power ranger, Mighty Mouse, that green monster thing from street fighter, Darth Vader, Peter Pants (not Peter Pan, but rather the obscure internet freak Peter Pants), Mr. Bucket, Optimus Prime, some fraggles (although they were already wasted when I got there) to name a few, and as advertised, Alf.
Might as well play, worst case scenario I get taken out by a gay Power Ranger.
First round was between me and Mr. Bucket. Although I dealt with him rather easily, he wouldn't stop singing his annoying jingle.
"I'm Mr. Bucket, the balls pop out of my mouth, I'm Mr. Bucket..."
"STFU and drink, Bucket"
The next round I was paired up against the midget from the Safety dance midget. This was no picnic, as he demolished Optimus Prime (a number two seed, to the midget's 7).
About ten minutes later, we were tied up at eight cups. I was starting to feel a little tipsy (having had about five beers in thirty minutes), but I could tell the midget was about three times as worse off as me because of his wee little body. When he started to lean on his miniature bard guitar to keep his balance I knew I had him. I nailed my next two shots, and sent him, drunk and stumbling, back into 80's pop music insignificance.
I had snuck my way into the final game, which now consisted of Jesus, and me. Jesus, of course, was the favorite to win. One thing they don't tell you about Jesus in bible school is that he is a God ... er part of God, (I don't understand the roots of polytheism in Christianity) of the beer pong world (and can play dirty too).
So we're about to take the shoot off and both balls are in midair, when poof! Mine turns into a fish.
"WTF Jesus!?!?" I screamed.
"What?" he said shrugging.
"My fucking ball turned into a fucking fish! I call do-over on account of miracle induced shenanigans", I claimed.
"You're not accusing me are you? The son of God? Your Lord and savior?" he said in a holier-than-thou, matter of fact way.
"Rabble scrabbling Lord and savior mrassa frassus", I muttered.
I removed the fish from the table and let him take his first shot. Drain-o. He didn't miss a shot, and I eventually found myself down nine to eight, and very inebriated. It was Jesus' shot, and I had to think fast, otherwise I'd get knocked out.
"Ok, Jesus. I can see that you're a very good shot with lofting the ball, but I must say that I'm very disappointed that I didn't get to see any of your trick shots before I got knocked out", I said.
"Oh you poor thing. You never had a chance. I guess I can fulfill your meager request. After all, you are going to die when you're thirty", he said nonchalantly.
"Thanks Jesus. I think", I replied.
Just then Jesus unleashed one of the most amazing shots I have ever seen. He snapped the ball off of his thumb and middle finger, which then bounced off the table, hitting me between the eyes (enlightening me for a split second), and sinking in the final cup.
"Game", Jesus said calm as a Calcutta cow.
I sat there stunned for a second, trying to regain the meaning of life from the nether regions of my brain, but then I came to.
"Not so fast Jesus", I said picking up the ball from my cup, "you forgot one thing."
I grabbed one of his two remaining beers and set it aside.
"Oh, what's that?" he asked.
"You forgot to call it before using a bounce shot", I said with a shit eating grin, "you get penalized one cup and it's my turn."
I lofted my ball into his one remaining cup.
"Game", I said.
"WTF?!?!? You knew I was going to bounce it in, you fucking requested it you me-damned son of a bitch!" Jesus screamed.
"Did you call it?" I asked.
"You fucking cunthole slore! I'm your fucking Lord and Savior, you piece of shit!" he yelled.
And that's how I won the title of best beer ponger in the known Universe.
Beer Pong General rules:
Usually there is a table (usually a ping pong table) with ten cups clumped together on opposite sides; each grouping of ten is in the shape of a triangle pointing inward (looks like a black widow spider). Each cup is filled with about a third of a beer. Players stand opposite of each other at the table and take turns trying to toss a ping pong ball into the plastic cups on the far side of the table (towards their opponents). If a player sinks a ball into a cup his or her opponent must drink that cup. After that cup is empty, it is removed from the table. To win the game, you must have all of your ten cups off the table. Loser drinks all ten of his or her cups, plus whatever he or she didn't finish sinking on the opposite side. There are variations, but those are the core rules.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-15 07:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you don't want to be called a one hit wonder, simply post more often!
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-17 16:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One hit wonder?
Submitted by cheeselady (user info) at 2005-08-24 11:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
+1 for drinking with Jesus
-2 for having stupid beer pong rules. Call a bounce shot? That's the most ridiculous rule ever.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-05 03:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Game", Jesus said calm as a Calcutta cow.
You had me right there.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-08-02 00:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what would jesus say if he were still alive and he saw this.
i'm willing to bet it would be somthing along the lines of "my feet hurt, can somebody get me down from here"
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-24 17:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
next time... play with 40's.
Nice.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-07-22 10:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grats B@W
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-14 15:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UMD's Game of all games.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-14 00:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
$
Submitted by Balrog (user info) at 2005-07-13 21:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woah hold up there, I would never play beer pong with a light beer, miller lite and bud light are no better than just pissing in a cup and drinking it, and milwaukees best is even lower than that. If your going to do it do it right. Besides whats stopping you from using the good beer for it?
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-07-12 13:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-07-11 00:38:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for Bud Light and Miller Lite in the pic.
+4 for a hilarious story.
__________
that's what you play it with -- light beers. not fucking stouts, moron. the best choice being milwaukie's best: ice, due to it's high ratio of alcohol content to cost, of course. even though it does taste horrible.
and where i come from, it's known as beirut. here - http://beirut-guide.com
Submitted by TW (user info) at 2005-07-12 10:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good......good......
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-12 02:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was well done.
'Calling it' is paramount in most games.(like pool)
2 N's.....Joedaddy used the N letter! Joedaddy used the N letter!,tried to dispute this fact
one night, a long time ago, after, a medium stakes game.
I just barely won the ensuing.............and got paid.
;)
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-07-12 00:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I like beer pong. But I have several issues with this:
1. I highly doubt you are any good.
2. What kind of pussies play witht he rule that you have to call a bounce? Bounces count double, and after it bounces anyone can knock it away. If it goes in though, it's your own damn fault for poor defense. Fucking pussy...you don't have to CALL a bounce ahead of time.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just evening it out.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry again.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, sorry.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:48:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
BAW
-----
Yeaaahhhhh!!! Who called it first? I called it first.
Congrats.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed, B@W worthy.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-07-11 22:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the good story; -1 for it being about a shitty game like beer pong, which is inferior to the game of Canoe (or as the rural and suburban dickheads call it--"Flippy Cup"), which was invented in my 'hood.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck you made it!
Congratufuckinglations!
Submitted by HateFist (user info) at 2005-07-11 13:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-11 08:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W...
I still don't have a B@W post...
Many are worthy, but being pregnant with Bart;s kid puts me at a disadvantage...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-11 08:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-11 08:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking great.
Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2005-07-11 05:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-11 02:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bah, goddamnit, didn't push the stop button fast enough...
My ADD wanted me to put that last line in there as I pushed "Rank".
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-11 02:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, you never can tell. I wanted to thank you Siren. Your little post with the ugly dog encouraged me to try fictional writing (which is apparently more exciting than my real life).
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-11 02:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, you never can tell. I wanted to thank you Siren. Your little post with the ugly dog encouraged me to try fictional writing.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-11 00:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this post would have waaay more reviews than 25 by now.
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-07-11 00:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 for Bud Light and Miller Lite in the pic.
+4 for a hilarious story.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-10 22:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
darko, six cup is fun if you're looking to play a game of skill. Ten (or fifteen) cup is more meant to get you sloshed (which in my opinion, is the point of beer pong).
freakmagnet caught me on the big plot hole.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-10 19:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I a pussy since I've only played 6 cup beer pong?
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-07-10 18:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My fucking ball turned into a fucking fish! I call do-over on account of miracle induced shenanigans", I claimed
---------------
hahhahahahha
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-07-10 18:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
SHENANIGANS! If Jesus knew you were going to die at 30, then He would have known that you were going to trick Him. LIAR!!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-10 16:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by alfakyle (user info) at 2005-07-10 13:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you to have my babies.
"you me-damned son of a bitch!" -- I laughed.
Submitted by Alaskanite (user info) at 2005-07-10 12:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HE SAID A SWEAR!!!
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-10 11:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beer Pong is fucking awesome! Some of my best memories start with a couple rounds of that good ol game
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-10 10:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
This post was Buckets of fun!
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-07-10 08:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee Hee
I always kinda liked saftey dance....
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-07-10 05:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw a bunch of engineers staring at the gym in brunel university once.
You'd think they would've been staring into the ladies shower rooms but they werent. It was just a really big, solid wall.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-10 05:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the drinking horn of the Asgard! One of the best posts I've seen in a while. Of course being drunk does put it into better content, but still this is the kind of post that would make me want to give you bite of my sammich. But NO! Fuck off! Get your own sammich! This one is mine. You dirty SOB. Thinking you can just bite into my sammich. I'll cut you bad you bastard. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! SAMMICH PARTY!
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-10 03:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True story?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-10 03:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Might as well play, worst case scenario I get taken out by a gay Power Ranger."
Yeh, and then it would've just been a Sideburns post.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-10 03:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"WTF Jesus!?!?" I screamed.
__________________________
That line alone = +2.
I feel compelled to yell that sometime.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-10 02:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scrum, I tell you, I really wish I had some sort of example to make an exception to that steriotype, but I really can't. We're a breed of weirdo's, and that's all there is to it. The sooner that more engineers accept this fact, the sooner they can move forward, and make plans for attracting trophy wives.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-10 02:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay!
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2005-07-10 02:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I so knew you were an engineer, so obvious, so great.
Awesome story dude, fine stuff.
Socially inept engineers. F'ing wierdos.
*Hey guys, watch this, it'll be awesome!!*
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAW
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The ol' spedmonkey. Yeah, I took a hiatus for a while (like a year or so). Lately I've been a working stiff, so I'm back here to take the edge off after my long work days. And with me comes more mediocre posting!
BTW Jesus stormed off, and then left with a drunk sorority girl. We haven't seen either of them since.
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice dude.
Not many people get to 1-up Jesus.
I didn't know he cursed like that either.
Shocking, really. I think I'll go atheist.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heyyy, I remember you from back in the day.
Submitted by Shroom (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I've found my new favorite game!
Submitted by Axtumanu (user info) at 2005-07-10 01:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fnord!