Superman saves a young boy from Herpes! (932 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.81 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SG The...i mean...Superman (View user info) at 2005-07-11 09:19:10 EDT
Hello there, it is I, Superman, and today I shall indulge you on a tale that I have told for many years. A tale that speaks of me, Superman, and a young boy who almost met the end of his life. This is how the story begins...
While working at the Daily Planet one morning, I decided that I was fed up with living two lives. I therefore called a meeting in the board room.
Me (Superman!): "Everyone, I have very urgent news to tell you."
Radar from MASH: "You're Superman?"
Me: "No, I am Superman....er...Go back to the 70's bitch."
After disposing of Radar, I turned back to my colleagues.
Perry White: "HA! Listen to this guy! He thinks he's Superman! I mean, come on! Everytime Superman appears, Clark disappears mysteriously! He can't be Superman! AHAHAHAHA!"
At that, everyone in the boardroom began to laugh.
Me: "But I really am Superman!"
The laughter continued.
Me: "STOP LAUGHING!"
And then laughter still continued.
So I picked up the gigantic table in middle of the room and bashed them all to death.
Me: "Fuckers."
Suddenly, I heard a cry from outside. Someone was in need of my help! I ripped off my business suit to reveal my classic blue Superman tights with red underwear on the outside. Except the red underwear wasn't on the outside.
Me: "Damn! I'll never learn! Underwear goes on the outside! NOT THE INSIDE!"
After changing once more, I flew out the window to the street below to see what the commotion was about. There I saw a young boy and a young girl overlooking papers.
Boy: "You have herpes?!?!"
Girl: "No! It can't be! These results can't be right!"
Me: "Ahh. Herpes I see. I remember my fateful encounter with Herpes."
Girl: "Superman had herpes?! How did you make it go away?!"
Me: "Well I grabbed it by the neck and squeezed until it exploded."
Boy: "What? I don't think we're talking about the same thing here."
Me: "Why of course we are! We're talking about Herpes! My long time foe!"
Girl: "Noooo. You see, herpes isn't a person. It's a disease!"
Me: "When did I say that I killed a person?"
Boy: "You mean....YOU DID THAT TO YOUR-"
Me: "Hey hey. Let's keep the vulgar language to ourselves."
Girl: "That's disgusting! We're leaving!"
The girl took the boys hand and began to drag him away.
Boy: "I don't want to go with you! YOU HAVE HERPES!"
Girl: "NO I DON'T! NOW LET'S GO!"
Me: "Hey! Leave the boy alone!"
The girl ignored me and continued to drag the boy down the street. When I saw the pitiful look in his eyes, I knew I had to do something.
So I grabbed the girl and punched her the face so half my arm was stuck inside her head.
Boy: "You...YOU KILLED HER!!"
I pulled my arm out and left the body limp on the street.
Me: "What else could I have done?"
But before I could explain to the boy the dangers of Herpes, a gurgle came from the body of the girl. Before I could look to see what it is, a massive body riddled with bumps tackled me onto the street.
Me: "HERPES!"
Herpes: "HAHAHA! YES SUPERMAN! IT IS I! HERPES!"
I kicked him off of me and looked back to the girl. It seemed that Herpes has taken control of this young girls body in an attempt to infect the young boy and spread himself across the globe.
Me: "But I killed you!"
Herpes: "No! You only killed one of my allies! You see, Superman, Herpes is countless! There are literally millions of us! You will never be able to kill all of us!"
Me: "We'll see about that!"
So I grabbed Herpes' hulking body, which was covered in herpes, and squeezed as hard as I could. It took a couple of seconds, but Herpes finally exploded and everyone in a 10 mile radius was covered in pus.
I cleared the pus from my eyes and looked around the pus covered street for the pus covered boy. I found him lying on the ground, thrown from the explosion. Heaving him onto my shoulders I flew up into the sky to return the boy to his home.
Boy: "Wow! Now I understand what you were saying before about squeezing herpes! Herpes is an actual being! I thought you were talking about squeezing your ding dong!"
Me: "I was talking about both...I MEAN...YES! Herpes is an actual being and I did not squeeze my ding dong! That's right! I didn't squeeze it!"
Boy: "Thank you Superman! I'll never forget this day!"
Me: "That's good, but you must always remember, Herpes is still out there in many forms, and it will be a long battle against it, but it will be a battle that I shall fight, one disease at a time."
I dropped the boy off at his home and flew away, satsified with my accomplishment that day.
Later that night I weeped yet again at the sight of my crushed penis.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Superman. No wait, I am Apollo.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-07-11 19:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think your nuts but in a nice way of course.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-11 16:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha! Herpes you damn pile of herpes!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha motherfucker. I just don't stop!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LINKWHORE EXCHANGE!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70388
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SUPERMAN!
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-07-11 14:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caption contest.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 13:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you CaptainThorns, I try.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-11 13:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY FREAKING GOD THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!
Darn you for making me cry from laughing so hard.
This deserves to be on B@W
Submitted by HateFist (user info) at 2005-07-11 13:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 12:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww Stabkill. You couldn't at least think of something intelligible to say with that -2?
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-11 12:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-07-11 11:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-11 11:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call Brass.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-11 11:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kicker of all Ding Dongs.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2005-07-11 10:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all Ass
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 10:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, dammit Jester. I had to read it out loud to understand what the hell you were saying.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-11 10:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Em Gee Double-you Tee Eff Ell Oh Ell Are Oh Eff Ell Exclaimation Exclaimation Exclaimation One One Two Seventeen Schwifty Five
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
flawless victory.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely. Let me know when Superman tackles gonorria.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har, crushed peenar.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK OK. I'll be right where I want to be. It doesn't have to be in the head. It's anywhere I wan't. So i'll be right here. Just like I say. Then I'll be right. In the head.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not right in the head, you know that?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, you crazy Injuns...
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CBG, you just wrote a superhero post because I am you in disguise! Look in the mirror! That's me!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, +2 for camping!
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean... joking or just retarded. Now, if we're talking about me...
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know sped, if he was just joking, then we are the retarded ones.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, i just wrote a superhero post too!
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Inso, I posted this....
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:25:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I have no idea why SG gave you a -2. fucker.
----------------
I can't tell if this guy's serious or just retarded.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey man, I never said we still couldn't do it! It would just be overshadowed by this awesomeness I just posted.
HAHAHAHA!
Not really though.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! I have no idea why SG gave you a -2. fucker.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weak. What happened to the other superhero thing? YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*weeps*
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-11 09:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Poo. I just realized "weeped" isn't a word. Though it is quite funny.
Weeped.
HA!
It should say "wept".