Hush, baby (1384 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.86 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-13 09:21:50 EDT
It's dark and the road is wet. I'm trying to concentrate on driving, but the Boy is in the backseat and his endless voice is soporific and it's sending me to sleep. There's no beginning or end, just this stream of consciousness: "....stupid stars are all hiding, is that a star? I see one star! I think it might be Mars though, cause it's flashing star color, blue, red, green... that's all the colors. I think it's Mars. Mars is a planet. It's number........3.... in the row. All the planets used to run around all crazy but then the sun showed up and was like "hey, stars, stop that" and they went around in circles nice and neat like they do now, hey Mum. Because the sun is really big and he was waving his belt and he was all nuts nutsnutsnuts n-u-t-s nuts...." My left contact lens is doing this thing where it puts concentric circles around lights, like a halo. It's more annoying than anything else but it means I keep having to blink.
My husband touches my arm. "You're dwelling on it again, aren't you? You should stop that, it's not helpful to keep thinking about it."
I want to smack him so I just tune him out. Anything I say is going to come out like the whine of a petulant child, anyway. I want to dwell on it, I want to think about it, I want to see it in my head over and over and you can't stop me so there.
She didn't go under easy. I had to hold her down on the big white bed while they put the mask over her face, hold her down while she kicked her legs with surprising strength, yelling "No sleep! No sleep, no mask, no nighty-night!" And I can't, you know, tell her, because the room is full of professional people in green scrubs and you can't say "Stop, baby, Genna, angel... stop because you're breaking my heart, you break Mummy's heart when you fight it." And she is fighting it - her hand is opening and closing, fast and fluttery, like the wingbeat of a dying bird, and the tension in her neck and shoulders is awe inspiring; I can feel it running through her like I'm touching a tuning fork. And then her breath comes in harsh little pants, fast rapid shallow panicked and she holds my eyes for as long as she can and I hold hers because it's the least I can do. I might be pinning her to the table and letting them knock her out but I can at least not let her go down into the dark alone... I hold her eyes, steady and sure, until hers roll back in her head and her eyelids close.
Out of the room fast, because now it's rush rush hurry, and of course there's the elderly lady standing in the corridor with her box of tissues and it looks identical to the box of tissues she held out to me last time. And I take one because I'm crying, because you have to cry, because no matter how strong you are or how smart or how well prepared, there are thousands of years of genetic memory inside you that tell you "when your child goes limp, and all the tension drains from her like dirty water down a drain, you need to save her." And you can't. It's a routine procedure, don't be silly, don't be panicked. Just take the tissue the old lady offers you and let her lead you to the "Friendship Room", and she's gonna make you a coffee - perfect coffee, oddly - and offer you a biscuit from a tin that looks like the one at your Nanna's house. And you'll take it and breathe in the misery for a couple of hours, because this room is like that.
It's sweetly decorated with overstuffed couches and dried flowers and bookshelves and lamps, and there is a small stereo in the corner that is playing old movie themes, scored for piano and strings (and trust me when I tell you that you've reached your lowest ebb when you're eating a Milk Arrowroot biscuit, reading a gossip magazine from 2000, and listening to "Eye of the Tiger" played on thirteen violins), and the windows let in the morning sunlight, and it's all very lovely, and the stench of anxiety and misery is all pervasive. Every single person here is waiting for their baby, their child, to come out from under the knife. And when the phone rings we all tense and wait for it to be our baby's name, for it to be us called to Recovery to be there when they wake up groggytired and covered with that red disinfectant they use in theatre (I will never understand why it must be red. To see your baby with a longline in her neck, covered in red stains, is nothing anyone should really have to do.)
Cadie goes easier. She's the quiet one, my dreamer, and when I lie her on that table and tell her it's night-night time she gives me her sweet, beautiful smile, and the mask goes on and she holds my hand as her big anime eyes close, and it's back to the room to wait again. Twice in one day; in the heirarchy of human misery in this room, I'm fucking royalty.
And here we are driving home, an hour and a half from the hospital, and the Boy is still talking and my contact lens is making every light on the freeway look like a rock dropped in a pond, ripples of light spreading out, and I'll be going back tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that. And jesus fuck I am so tired.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-17 17:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by psychabillyjean (user info) at 2005-08-22 23:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate all you fuckers. Someone say something amusing! This is freshman english tripe.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-08-22 23:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't know why i had it in my mind
i would read this again tonight, but i'm
glad i did
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-11 12:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-22 06:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough with the awesome already.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-22 05:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn it Lyn. That's twice in as many minutes you've winded me.
Submitted by Inanna (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am in awe. On many levels.
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Writing
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-07-16 20:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-16 20:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...pretty.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-16 19:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:59:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing in the world as glorious or painful as a mother's love.
I'd think it would be something too profound to put into words if you hadn't just done it.
And what Snark said. And what Bigmike said. And... Good luck, honey. I hope they and you are better-er soon.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-13 19:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-13 18:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here I am.. sitting at work.. crying again goddamn it.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-13 17:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't know the situation, but I damn well know the emotion.
I hope you're ok and I hope they are as well.
I don't know what's worse, seeing them go down or waiting for them to come back up.
Love your kids. Love them desperately and deeply. Love them through thick and thin. Love them through the pain and the joy. Just love them. They will always remember.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-13 17:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dang, my inner KoolMang wanted to -2 this, what the fuck is wrong with me???
fortunately, I overcame it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-13 16:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark said it right. All your stuff is a perfect picture window.
Best wishes, Lyn. Sincerely.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is nothing in the world as glorious or painful as a mother's love.
I'd think it would be something too profound to put into words if you hadn't just done it.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
praying for a cure
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love, honey. Love and peace. I hope some day you will have both, and your girls also.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really am having a hard time figuring out what to say to this.
Part of me is deeply saddened, part of me is in awe of what you've written, and part of me is disgusted that posts with no redeeming qualitities whatsoever are getting more attention than this gem... this perfect picture window.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope they get better soon.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I knew what to say. But I don't. Hope they get better. Anything I can do, I'm only an hour or so away :)
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My heart and thoughts go out to you and your family-good luck and keep fighting
Submitted by tyebud (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up circe
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, dude.. I'm sorry. I hope she feels better soon.
-----------
Thanks, it's just teeth, pales in comparison but it's like 4 molars at once. She was just miserable tylenol and topic medicines only do so much. So being the redneck I am I broke out the bourbon and we got drunk...I mean I rubbed it on her gums. Of course the misses dealt with her all day so by the time I got home I had not one but 2 miserable ladies to deal with.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lyn, I hope the girls have a speedy recovery. There's nothing worse than watching your babies go through such things.
My love to you all.
~Dee
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A prayer and a wish from this little irish girl flies high over the seas making its way to the two of them. Ahhhh and look...whats this I see? They are already blessed. With their mum.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:04:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry Circe, I read until the 3rd paragraph and had to stop. Having been up all night with my sick little 19 month old daughter I am just not emotionally ready for this yet today.
___________
Ahhh, dude.. I'm sorry. I hope she feels better soon.
Everyone else - Thanks. Sincerely, thank you.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't do emotocons...but if I did...i'd put a sad face.
Good luck to you.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry Circe, I read until the 3rd paragraph and had to stop. Having been up all night with my sick little 19 month old daughter I am just not emotionally ready for this yet today.
+2 because I know without reading the rest I am sure it is awesome.
I'll come back and finish it later, once centered again.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are truly awe inspiring in your bravery and your resolve.
Your family is lucky to have you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
do you ever wonder how to some people unconciousness comes easily and others fight it. Like for one person it is horror itself and for others a release?
I do.
--------------
That's deep man.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you ever wonder how to some people unconciousness comes easily and others fight it. Like for one person it is horror itself and for others a release?
I do.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It got dusty in here, and I'm seriously not even sure why?
WTF is happening?
Simple procedure around the neck, eh? Wha?
Still... Damn you for being amazing...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stay strong, Circe, and keep writing. It's good for the soul.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell the boy Mars has finite angular size and therefore won't twinkle the same way as a star will in the presence of atmospheric turbulence...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a parent is hard. I hope I'm as good a parent as you when I have kids.
I'm moved.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I fully understand what is going on here, but I do understand your pain.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so sorry, Lyn. Best wishes for the twins, the boy, the Dutchman, and you.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing I will say can accurately express just how beautiful this piece is.
So...No comment.
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
circe you're making me cry. Good luck, pass on this +2 to those girls 'k?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-07-13 09:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah