Losing My Religion (Warning: Emo-style rambling ahead) (1634 hits)
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Submitted by itchy (View user info) at 2005-07-13 11:40:01 EDT
I think I'm sliding into madness. I'm losing touch. I'm breaking with reality and almost willing myself to drift away into . . . I don't even know what.
What the hell is happening to me? What am I doing to myself?
Every day is exactly the same. Every day is exactly the same.
And I'm the one making it that way.
I had convinced myself that I had my drinking under control for a while there. I was really pretty proud of it. I was managing it. I was "functional."
But I don't think that's the case so much right now.
All day yesterday, I felt like I was going crazy. Hated work, hated myself, hated . . . everything. No idea what was really at the bottom of all that, didn't care to look. But in a fit of frustration, I announced that I "had to take a walk."
Wonder of wonders, my little walk took me to a convenience store nowhere near anywhere you'd want to schedule a casual mid-day stroll. In that store, I bout some rum. Again.
I didn't even really think about doing it, more of a reflex I suppose, and I didn't drink it right away . . . I just held on to it until the SECOND I got off work. Bought a fountain drink on the way home and filled 'er up. "One for the road," huh?
That's classy.
When I got home, I told my wife that I'd be HAPPY to play with The Boy in the drive-way whilst she went up and cooked some dinner.
I managed to down about three of the beers I had stashed in the vegetable crisper in the refrigerator in the garage while she was up there.
After dinner, she looked tired. I told her she should go lie down for a while (knowing that she was exhausted and would pass out if she let her head touch a pillow). She did. I finished two more beers from the vegetable crisper, and put the boy to bed, before settling down with my book and two more beers.
This morning, I dutifully (and quietly - you have to be careful with bottles when the rest of the house is sleeping) collected all the empties and dropped them off in a gas station trash bin on the way into the office. Wouldn't want to deal with any bothersome questions about where all those beer bottles came from.
There's still three quarters of the bottle of rum in my briefcase. I don't want to drink it. But then again, I do. Right this very second.
I think it is sickeningly hilarious that everyone who knows me tells me what a great father I am, how LUCKY my son is to have a father who loves him so much.
People are fucking stupid. People can't see what's happening right in front of them.
Do you drink alone?
Yes.
Do you feel guilty about your drinking?
Yes.
DO YOU FUCKING HIDE YOUR MESS FROM YOUR GOD DAMNED WIFE?!
Yes.
Are you losing control?
Yes.
Know what's even more sad? I'll tell you. See, I've been having these stomach issues lately. My doctor calls it "acid reflux" but I'm not sold on that diagnosis. See, I've been doing my own experiments. Sometimes, I won't drink for a couple days. When I don't drink, my stomach hurts. When I do, it doesn't.
Ever seen that movie "Kingpin?" That scene, right before the big bowling tournament, when Woody Harrelson's character is puking in the bathroom and Randy Quade's character is so disappointed in him? But then, Mr. Munson says,:
"I don't puke when I drink, Ish. I puke when I DON'T drink."
Go me. I've Munsoned myself.
I realized yesterday that I don't remember the first time I ever kissed a girl, but I do remember the first time I ever drank alcohol. And the fact that it gave me a hard-on.
Maybe I should have suspected something then.
I've got to break this cycle. When I think about Who I Am or Who I Want To Be, I don't think of an alcoholic. I don't see myself that way, but I'm thinking maybe now I'M the one who can't see what's happening right in front of his face.
I want to be A Man. A man who answers his phone. A man who WORKS at work. A truly good father, one who will actually LIVE long enough to be there for his kid. A physically healthy person. A person who runs. An intelligent person - one who reads good books and not only understands them but CARES about that fact. I want to have faith back. (I'm not letting go of God . . . I'm just losing my grip.)
I want to be free. I want to be brave. I want to be strong.
And I'm none of those things. I'm a scared and selfish little boy who's hiding from everything, and has been doing so for a long, long time.
God help me. It's time to stop. It's time to grow up. And I've said this all before.
User Reviews
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have some of the same problems.
I never touch the stuff during the week, but weekend=binge drinking 90% of the time.
My brothers were the same, but now they normally only drink one day a week, and don't drink as much. My girlfriend is the same. We went to VA beach on the fourth, and were on the beach drinking everyday before noon, before we even ate. I can't remember the last time I took a weekend off.
I know the running sounds tough, but running, and lifting, and grappling are some of the things that get me to forget about drinking. Try and fill you evenings with something a little more challenging.
You aren't at the point where you are blacking out every night, so you are ok, but what you are wrestling with can be a demon. Just being conscious of it is a good thing. I don't know, good luck.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-14 01:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To break an old pattern, establish a new rhythm.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-14 01:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow I got out of hand earlier.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-13 17:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for REM!
Also.. get help. You can overcome this.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-13 16:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hope it all works out for ya itchy
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-13 16:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard so many horror stories about AA directly from friends and family members. If you need to, get help with someone or some organization, but if I were in your shoes I would avoid AA.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM SO CONFUSED AS A PERSON
I AM ROONT
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still me, Adam. (Teeph). You'd expect this sort of emo drivel from someone else?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Life
Is bigger
Is bigger than you and you are not me.
The things that I must go through
The distance in your eyes.
Oh no, I've said too much.
I haven't said enough.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you cry.
Every minute,
Every waking hour
I'm losing my religion.
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Consider this,
Consider this, hint of the century,
Consider this.
This thing that brought me to my knees failed,
What if all these fantasies come flaming down?
Now I've said, said too much.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you cry,
Try,
Why,
Lie.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome, who did teepheheheheha give this account to?
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And hey, I did e-mail you.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Amen.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry, no sympathy here, no matter how much I drink.
*cue, honesty*
and I love you man, just not right here.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
from a ruined son to a potentially horrible father.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
AND ALL YOU NIGGERS WHO THINK I AM AN ASSHOLE FOR STANDING UP AND DOING WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT THIS MINUTE!
YOU ARE FUCKING UP SOMETHING PRECIOUS RIGHT NOW
YOU ARE FUCKING UP
YOU HAVE A LIFE MORE THAN YOURS IN YOUR HANDS
AND YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I THAT YOU ARE TOO SMART TO LET THAT SHIT RUN THROUGH
YOU WANT HIM TO KNOW WHAT FRESH CUT GRASS SMELLS LIKE IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU HAVE A CATCH?
YOU WANT HIM TO GROW UP WITH THE SMELL OF NEW CARS AND BURNING GASOLINE IN HIS NOSTRILS?
YOU WANT HIM TO LOVE GIRLS AND TELL YOU ABOUT THEM?
YOU BETTER LOSE YOURSELF ABD PUT HIM AT THE CENTER OF YOUR LIFE.
YOUR PUSSY BULLSHIT REMARK "OMG im so sad no one understands that I am not really a good father, I just pretend"
IF THAT IS THE CASE, GET IT STRAIGHT.
YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES.
FIRST PRIORITY IS FIRST.
you are more than yourself now.
remember that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 15:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
joking about the pre-law advisor thing.
but the offspring thing?
I am a child of alcohol abuse (father not mother)
feel me on this. I am who I am because of it.
YOU WANT YOUR BOY TO DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW?
WAKE THE FUCK UP
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad - You're right about The Boy. And, if you want a reference in three years, let me know, but I'm not sure how, "I kinda know this guy from a super l33T!11!! intraweb forum, and he seems liek a pretty good fucker" will go over with the Admissions Board. Worry about that LSAT first though.
Dave - As I've alluded, I have checked out the gut thing with my Doc (which says volumes about how much it fucking hurt - I don't like doctors. No offense.) and he's pretty darned sure it's acid reflux. The fact that the little yellow pills he gave me helped, also would seem to indicate this. I may be putting a little too much emphasis on the medical expertise of the movie Kingpin than is actually warranted.
As for seeking professional help . . . I know you're right . . . in theory. Who knows how "in practice" will go.
Loki - I can see elements of that. I've mentioned in other posts that my wife is the most competant person in the entire world . . . she's 100% grown up. I'm not, and that's something that I'm coming to grips with here. We've discussed the lonliness of her having to be a "parent" to two kids before, and I've "improved." Like I've said, I'm pretty darned functional . . . in every aspect besides the emotional. But I put up a pretty good front in the places I'm not REALLY functional. I can fake it, and that's been "working."
But you're right about us getting away together. A couple weeks ago, The Boy stayed the night at Grandma's house, and that was the most fun we've had in a looooooong time. Now all we need to do is figure out how to do that, AND figure out just why I'm so fucked in the head.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cut out the family part, and you just described my life. I don't drink every night, but at least once a week I'm getting hammered by myself, sitting in my apartment. On the weekends if I am out drinking with friends, I can never be the driver, because I'm there to get fucked up.
When will it stop? I wish I knew.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rad1101.at.gmail.com
please email me.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to nought
Or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone
The song is over
Thought I'd something more to say
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really drunk right now.
You need to stop. For the kid.
I dont have a kid. You do.
He needs a sober daddy.
I need a sober daddy.
Your drunkeness will perpetuate the cycle.
TRUST ME.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You of course realize that you are seeing your wife as an authority figure against which you must rebel.
that fact is probably as disturbing as the whole drinking thing
The question is, how does she view you? Does she think of herself as mother figure to both you and the boy? If so, it must be an awfully lonely position to be in.
Can you drop the boy off with a grandparent and have a little long weekend, get away, fun in a responsibility free environment? Maybe instead of you alone time, you need alone time with wife time.
sticking my nose into other people's business is kinda fun really
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
-Henry David Thoreau, from Walden.
First thing's first: you told someone. Us. It's not the same as talking to your wife, but it's something. So give yourself a bit of credit.
Second: I completely agree with Pentameter: STOP listening to NIN. That downward spiral shit will infect your mind. Particularly if you identify with the speaker or the message like I hear you doing.
You're not trapped. Every day is NOT exactly the same.
And now for the tough one: telling your wife is a good start, but I think most of the people on this thread are saying something more: it's not enough. You need to speak to someone external to your life. Your wife will have her own ideas and agenda, which she should have. You should NOT expect her to be capable of cleaning up your shit like this. Seek outside help. Doesn't matter what the source is. If AA's not your thing then there are free counselling services available in every major city. Look it up online or in the phonebook.
One way to remove temptation is to use a replacement. At the last second, buy coke (coca cola) rather than rum. Sounds goofy, but it works for a lot of smokers I know. Gum is their thing. It's still a dependency, but it's not nearly as damaging as alcohol.
For the love of all that's holy, go see a specialist about your guts. For all you know, it's an ulcer. While it sounds romantic, there's almost NO WAY that your stomach would hurt when you don't drink and stop when you do. It's likely a psychosomatic thing, where your mind is fucking with your body in order to convince you to drink some more. Addiction is a shitty, shitty thing.
Good luck. Thanks for writing about something so personal.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME TO SEE YOU SWITCH FROM ITCHY TO TEEPF TO ITCHY?
And the thing about your woman.
Remember, you will only love her as much as you stop and look past all the things that annoy you; you have to look at her and say "I love you. Even with all this other shit I love you." and accept it. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE IT, accept it.
it is the only way.
can I use you as a reference for law school in 3 years?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My first batch turned to cider. :(
I put too much sugar into it to try to increase the alcohol content.
I'm fermenting a batch of stout right now.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob - how scary is it that I've been considering taking up that "hobby" myself? I figured it could: a) legitimize some of my drinking, and maybe; b) make me rich once I came up with a recipe for a yummy DOMESTIC beer that was as good as Newcastle (and give me the opportunity to make money doing something that I love!)
But if it worked out, I'd probably be dead by 40.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny thing is I just took up another hobby: homebrewing.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-13 14:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Judoka once wrote in one of my posts that "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I know it isn't his quote, but I can't recall where it came from.
Maybe (maybe?!) that's me. Maybe that's what I'm running from. I've got so many things to be thankful for and happy about . . . and yet, it's all so unfulfilling sometimes, so suffocating.
And then we're back to being a grown up, being a man, taking responsibility and doing what you have to do without bitching about it. THAT'S where I consistently fail. That's what I need to do.
Where's Caul when you need someone to tell you that you don't really have a problem and just need to apply yourself?
Oh yeah, streak: broken.
Thanks for the sympathy though everyone.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pent - I only put it in yesterday, AS I was driving home and drinking my rum and coke, and THINKING about this downward spiral (so to speak), which is probably why I continued to drink when I got home . . . because I didn't want to think about THAT anymore. Anyway, it's out of the player now.
Badass - I was JUST thinking about that. The hobby thing. I've put them all off for so long, I hardly even remember what I used to do for fun - what it was that made me ME. Now it's work, family, sleep, work, family, sleep, etc. I do really need to take some "me" time that is not self destructive (unless you count skating as self destructive - it's always been my truest passion).
Apollo - I've considered this. The bit about my bird. I think the answer is "yes and no." I think I'm not really very fond of her lately, but if you've read my posts, you've got to know there's something real there. I think the reason I'm not fond of her has more to do with the guilt I feel for sneaking around with "the other woman" more than anything else. I don't want to feel that way, and being in her presence (sober), fills me with guilt, so I resent it. On the other hand, being around her drunk has an air of excitement to it. (Will she catch on? Will she be pissed? Will I be able to bullshit my way out of it? - Ohhhh! The DANGER!)
Rad - I just noticed the links that you put on your first reply or so. The "2000 cigarettes" one was part of what got me thinking about my issues again, so, "thanks," and "you can do it."(?)
Wookie - You rule. Thanks.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every day is exactly the same.
--------------------------
Get it out of your CD player NOW!
Submitted by VengefulDaddy (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh?! WTF?! I don't remember having an alter named itchy. I must have created this when I blacked out last night.
Seriously dude, I'm so you. I openly pound a six-pack every weeknight (don't even ask me about weekends). What my wife doesn't see is the two 24-ouncers I throw back on the drive home each evening just to warm up.
I rarely drink hard liquor, and there have been no noticeable physical side effects...yet. But I'm getting way too fucking old for this stupid shit.
I should have stuck solely with weed.
Good luck man.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello there, my old friend,
not so long ago it was 'till the end
We played outside in the pouring rain,
on our way up the road we started over again
You're livin' a dream, wo you on top
My mind is achin', Lord it won't stop
That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop
Up and down that road in our worn out shoes,
talkin' 'bout good things and signin' the blues
You went your way, I stayed behind
We both knew it was just a matter of time
You're livin' a dream, wo you on top
My mind is achin', Lord it won't stop
That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop
No wasted time, we're alive today
Churnin' up the past, there's no easier way
Time's been between us, a means to an end
God it's good to be here walkin' together my friend
You're livin' a dream, wo you on top
My mind is achin', Lord it won't stop
That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop
That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop
That's how it happens, livin' life by the drop
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 13:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
familiarity breeds contempt and all.
----
William Blake, or am I just another stupid yank?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
before this turns into a 'you can do it man' circle jerk I would like to raise a point :
Drinking is fun.
It feels good.
Add that to your fucking list of why do you do it? Everyone always forgets that bit.
Are you going off your missus?
I used to drink quite a lot when I didn't like my long term bird. I needed to be a bit pissed to tolerate her.
Nothing she did really just her weakness used to disgust me, familiarity breeds contempt and all.
Then i would hate myself and the circle would deepen.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do agree taht AA does not work for everyone.
there are otehr ways, especially for teh smart people.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and get a fucking hobby, I mean do something 'idle hands beget the devils work'
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and yeah, I should be smarter than this. I agree with that.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teephph - the fact that you can and do stop yourself before you pass out means you have some control over this. This is your mind sayin 'hey I'm strong I just need a little help from the rest of me'.
AA tells you the first thing is that you are powerless over your first thoughts, this part I buy completely, the second thing being that those thoughts make you an alcoholic/ druggie / whatever. I don't buy that part at all.
When I get home my first thoughts are to drink a beer or smoke a bowl, but ya know what I only do it if it's cool to do.
You seem to have some power over your drinking so I don't think AA is right for you, try some mind strengthening books instead, if you can stop yourself at 10 beers you can do it at 8, 6, 4 ...you get the picture.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki -
The question is, why are you drinking too much?
escapism
boredom
depression
Yes.
But what am I trying to escape from? Hmmm, I didn't know the answer to that one before I typed the question, but I'm guessing it would be "boredom and monotony." (Even though my repeated drinking could be qualified as both boring and monotonous.)
It could very well be that exercise might be a significant part of any solution to my problem. It does combat both boredom and depression, don't it?
I DO NOT think that I'm into actual physical addiction yet. I don't shake when I stop, etc. The only thing that scares me is the stomach thing, but I'm guessing that will only be a few days of discomfort until my stomach starts correcting itself, and I actually start to heal any damage done.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SKATE IT OFF
QUITTING IS FOR LOSERS.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the first step is recognizing you have a problem. you're there.
How about AA next??
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your right about the AA and lawyer thing. I forget that alcohol, as opposed to my drug of choice, is socially acceptable.
even though it is more damaging physically and all
(leaves that particular issue and moves on)
The question is, why are you drinking too much?
escapism
boredom
depression
or is it just a question of physical addiction?
I dare say that you're not going to fully solve the problem until you get to the root causes of it.
I'm really just shooting off at the mouth (to quote dear old grandpa). I don't know a great deal about fire water. It just seems to me that it can't be as simple as shake it off, there has to be a reason you, an intelligent if not overly conservative man is engaging in something that you know to be self destructive.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you can do it man.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ.
Dr. Laura and I agreed on something...
A pig just flew by my window.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've actually been meaning to pick up "Rational Recovery" Wookie. Somehow haven't seemed to get around to it yet though, but I think my frame of mind is good right now.
Besides, Dr. Laura likes that one, so how bad can it be?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a mode known as "rational recovery" and personal one-on-one counseling with a therapist can work well for people who aren't too enamored with AA.
http://rational.org/
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my wife is in denial
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob -
I tried the "embrace it" philosophy, but it's making a liar of me, and it isn't helping me become the person I want to be.
Also, funny little quirk about my wife. She can't smell shit. Of course, sometimes she smells things that aren't there . . . but I think that's an aneurism.
Anyway, luckilly for me, she can't smell. Beyond that, I'm an EXTREMELY good drunk. I don't slur, I don't fall down, I don't get silly, I don't black out. I just get numb and calm. I CAN and do stop myself before I get fall down drunk.
So, I've got that going for me, which is nice.
Or, maybe she knows, and just either a) is in denial; b) secretly wants me dead, or; c) is one of those "enablers" you hear so much about.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she looked tired. I told her she should go lie down for a while (knowing that she was exhausted and would pass out if she let her head touch a pillow). She did
---
this is my reality. I play this game too.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo -
I understand that in certain areas, and at certain phases of one's life, "a few beers" can mean "ten." But I'm not in those areas, or in that phase of life, and yet, here I am, seeing "ten" as "a couple."
It doesn't conform to the local standards, and even after deciding that I WANT to conform to local standards in this regard, I'm not. doing. it.
Loki -
I've talked to my wife about it before. I made a good start then. Thought I had it under control, then, when I was confident that I DID have it under control, convinced myself that it would be okay to have a "few" just to relax ("a few" was only four our so then). I probably DO need to come clean with her ("Probably?!" Look at me hedging, trying to find a way out of it!). I DO need to come clean with her about it.
At least I don't have anything to worry about professionally. Your concerns are misguided there. I'm a LAWYER! Lawyers call AA meeting "networking." Hell, it would probably be good for my career.
In more ways than one, I suppose.
Oh, and on the UBER RUNNER'S CLUB, I really do want to do that, but, after the events of last night, somehow I didn't get up and go running this morning.
Others -
THIS IS NOT HITWHORING. Sadly, this is one of the most honest things I've writen. More honest than I've been with myself, my wife or anyone else for quite a while.
Anyone have anything better than AA though? I've already read the "Big Book" and while some of it is good, I'm not sure I buy into a lot of it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This - http://www.ubersite.com/m/68305
and
This - http://www.ubersite.com/m/68836
Didn't work for me.
I wouldn't fake it until I made it.
---
I'll tell you a secret. I'm drinking right now.
Malt Liquor and Early Times Whiskey.
By myself.
Its only 0932 in teh am.
*shoots self*
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never had any alcohol problems, so I can't give you any good advice. But remember one thing:
When you get right down to it, alcohol really does taste like shit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlucky mate.
I'm guessing you know why you drink. Why no matter how many times you think about stopping you never do. After all the answers are always easy, it's the phrasing of them that's tricky.
I'd get your wifes help, I mean you married each other to be there for each other.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty much the same way. But I've just learned to accept it and even embrace it. Probably the only behavior modification that I practice is not to do it around the boy, maybe I can break the centuries old cycle by not setting the bad example.
What I have to know is; how do you get it past the wife? I can walk into the house after having one two hours ago, and she can smell it.
Submitted by BigDaddyV2.0 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two Words: GET HELP.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
teephph - if this is more of your hit whorerey I'll have you drawn and quartered.
If not, well good luck man you seem of strong mind, so this should be but a minor speed bump.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah jeez, have you tried talking to your wife?
You may need help with this, real "admit you have a problem" help. That would be hard because you'd have to admit you have a problem and professionally that might be a problem.
At least get that running support group thing started like our little book club. I'll play along, but I'm afraid that my training schedule is not that exciting.
M: ran 3.5 miles
T: ran 3.5 miles
W: ran 3.5 miles
Th: ran 3.5 miles
F: ran 3.5 miles
S: hiked 8 miles or went to the beach napped and boogie boarded
S: yard / house stuff, took the dogs for a walk
yawn
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to say something trite but I won't.
You know, that level of drinking is normal here, hiding the 'evidence' isn't though but then no-one needs to.
You are intelligent. Fuck faith, the very idea of faith is ludicrous.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-07-13 12:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just sent you an e-mail.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry sweetie. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If you ever need to unload on someone - emililly78.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Q - Um. Yeah. Me too.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wookie - would you mind e-mailing me? Teephphah.at.g-mail.com. You've got some experience here (I think) and I'd like to bend your ear a bit, if I might.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:50:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry man. The best I can say is that you have a will, and if you want to change, you should exercise it. Don't say you can't, because you can.
I'm so lonely and depressed at work that I hang out on a website all day, creating pseudo-relationships with people I will never know.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-07-13 11:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is on the up-an-up, you may have a long hard road ahead of you. But it's a path well-worn by plenty who have gone before you, so take whatever small comfort you can in that...