SPT - There is nothing fucking wrong with my handbag. (1147 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.7 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-14 10:29:21 EDT
User Reviews
Submitted by etbeliever (user info) at 2005-07-22 06:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine's not (quite) that bad.... My flatmate on the other hand is inline to become the next Hunchback of Notredame....except living in London....the crap she carries about is unbelievable. I swear everytime she reaches in to get something I expect a standing lamp to emerge Mary Poppins style.
Doesn't matter what you carry as long as you can access it all easily. In the 10 months we've lived together said flatmate has never opened the door when we arrive home together as it takes her a good 3-4 minutes to find her keys. I know this as I hear her standing outside fumbling around sometimes - evil I know but I can't be arsed to get up and open the door for her because she's incapable to using the nifty 'key' side pocket.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-22 06:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Certifiable.
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-16 18:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ for using "willynilly". Haven't heard that since the last Donny Osmond crush.
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-07-15 00:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have nothing to add...Do everything Unabonger said on his list!!!!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-15 00:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
im sorry circe, but my mother's purse is about 200003393839039 times worse than yours
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 23:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay.... I shall remove the sunglasses and store them in my car.
Problem solved, marriage saved. God bless Uber.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-14 22:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I own a handbag. The inventory of the stuff in my pockets, however... Well, it's a good thing I wear cargo pants, because otherwise I don't think I'd be able to sit down. Here's what I found when I partially went through them, because I'm not emptying all of them out. It would take forever.
Slightly used Kleenex
Crumpled but clean Kleenex
Multi-tool
Tweezers
Three screws
Five bolts
Random plastic bit from a lighting instrument (don't ask unless you want a really detailed explaination)
Two kinda mangled rivets
Screwdriver bit (Phillips head)
Three-inch knife
Five-inch knife
$9.36 in assorted change
Three recipts
Wallet (so full of not-money it deserves a post of its own, and it isn't going to get one)
Cell phone
Business card
Pair of flat-nose pliers
Pair of flat-nose pliers
Plastic baggie of closed rings
Plastic baggie of opened rings
Half-finished piece of silver chainmail
Crescent wrench
Tie-line holding said crescent wrench, as well as another smallish free bit
Squashy but not chewed on piece of bubble gum
Wadded-up piece of gaff tape
Keys
Chain attaching keys and wallet to pants because let's face it, I'd lose my head if it wasn't Krazy-glued on (long story)
That was it. I'm dead serious, though. Some weeks it gets even worse, if that's possible to imagine.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-14 18:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-14 16:15:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-14 15:51:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait.... what's the pen for?
____
You've never needed to write something down and not had a pen available?
-------------
You just took all the fun out of my comment!!!!
I was hoping she was going to say "It's a WEAPON!"
And no I cannot right anything down as I have no fingers(freak accident), I can only communicate via voice recognition software.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-14 17:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's some stuff you can trim out there.
I expected tiny mouse brains preserved in fromaldyhide (fuck, i don't think i've ever tried to spell that before), or ocelot spleens or something like that. Definitely expected some weaponry of some kind.
Instead I find out you're a normal GIRL!! Gasp shock horror
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-14 17:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but, after smoking a cigarette and contemplating it, i do have to praise you for not having every item from the estee lauder catalogue in your purse...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-14 16:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get rid of:
2. (a book) this is about the size of an Oxford dictionary...keep it by the bed for sleeping.
7. (Ibuprofen) you have codeine. why even carry the ibuprofen?
9. (Salene solution) they make smaller, portable bottles of that stuff, you know.
10. (Eye drops) cause you have 9 and salene solution is better than clear eyes or visine
11. (money purse) bills aren't that big...neither are credit cards. get a smaller one.
12. (Legos) if they're bored, hand them the cigarettes...wait...i mean the candy
22. (snacks) if you can't ditch the legos. plus you have lolly pops. plus those are big snacks.
15. (sunglasses) keep them on your dashboard.
6. Brush-ups) cause you have 18.
18. (tic tacs) just a dumb reason to have them. if it's for your breath after smoking, use 6
19. (straw) are you fucking kidding me? coke addicts use dollar bills...straws'll cut you.
20. (sugar) coffee from vending machines sucks anyway. if you're in an office, there's usually sugar on hand somewhere.
26. (paper towels) they make smaller packets of tissues and they work just fine. plus the towels you have will get covered in melted candy, lint, salene solution, lip gloss, etc.
I'd bitch about the size of your handbag too...especially if you make him hold it ever.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-14 16:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-14 15:51:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait.... what's the pen for?
____
You've never needed to write something down and not had a pen available?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-14 16:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is absolutely nothing in there that should be removed. In fact, I'd add some stuff. Just get a bigger purse!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-14 15:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait.... what's the pen for?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-14 15:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd glad you ceased most of your self-destructive "rebellious" ways.
Hey, fuck me! I'll rebel against my ability to enjoy my own company if I want to! Yeaaah, take that world.
Submitted by iFocusNews.com (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How in the world do you fit all of that in there?
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lose the cell phone. That's the only fucking thing wrong with the contents of your handbag. Murray and I were out fishing when this jingly ringly noise starts going off. Murray looks at the number and decides he better answer his wife. It was a message about a lottery ticket - and not even a winning one at that. Murray ends the conversation polite enough but then closes the phone and winds up like Vida Blue and throws that fucker about a hundred meters into the Pacific ocean. All he said was, "I'll teach her to phone ME while I'm fishing." I hate you. I hate your cell phone. I hate everyone who owns and carries a cell phone. If I could go back in time, I would assassinate the person who invented the cell phone. It's nearly 100 deg. F. here today and I have road rage. (I'm not even in my car yet.) If I see one fucking person with a god damn fucking cell phone glued to his ear, I'm going to chase him and park my car right into the side of his car. I will then grab his cell phone... yell "FUCK YOU!" into the (wrong) end of it probably... then I will throw it against the pavement or concrete; then I will jump up and down on it until it is broken into all it's individual components. Then I will exrticate my car from the car crash and continue on my way while wishing the guy a "good afternoon" just to show what good manners I have.
What?
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got some cool stuff. You should see my manbag....
Buncha fags. I carry my various belongings in my pockets. You guys and your manbags... FAGS! HAHA!
Submitted by missflibble (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your handbag contains a hell of a lot more usefull stuff than mine, I have a book about pregnancy, my keys, purse, half a german choccy bar, mobile, a handful of lollypop wrappers, a padlock and one loose tea bag. don't know how or why that is in there. but no pen.
my camera bag contains a camera, spare memory card, spare batteries, eye drops and 50p for chocolate emergencies.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, Number 7 is sooooo perfectly stated.......
I moved up to Diclofenac (sp?), due the amounts of stupidity I deal with daily.
I have learned that "Goddamn, you're a fucking moron" doesn't motivate them to try and become more intelligent, but inserting my Ipod "thingies" in both ears while ignoring them with a blank stare allowing them to think I understand seems to be helping.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't do your cutlery drawer... mine is very un-interesting...
How about your fridge?!
Your medicine cabinet?!
Your panty drawer?!
I have the feeling no matter what you do, your life will end up being much more spectacular and more amazing than mine.
I have a circe complex.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Corinne, that freaking rocks.
Next SPT - my cutlery drawer.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't want to make a post of it, but I couldn't resist taking the picture.
http://photobucket.com/albums/y92/cornnugget/?action=view¤t=um.jpg
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
DJ, keep going... just a couple more....
*turns off the phone*
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Lift reciever*
+61434397440
*Ring Ring*
*Male voice* I am not Circe. Hello?
*Click*
+61434397441
*Ring Ring*
*Female voice, old* Hello. Are you calling about the leak in the downstairs john?
*Click*
+61434397442
*Ring Ring*
*Hysterical female voice* WAHT DID I DO?!?! WHY DID I POST IT?! FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
*Note: I don't actually know what Circe's number is, but i'm VERY tempted to wardial it from the work phone*
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:45:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything is so clean in your handbag- where is all the old hair and half fill packets of gum?
_______
They had to go, to make room for the mp3 player.
No, actually, they're still in the bag.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For # 7. I have three bottles. In the car, at home and in my office. Same reason.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything is so clean in your handbag- where is all the old hair and half fill packets of gum?
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:36:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
who cares what nelson mandela thinks?
not me.
Jeez if every nigger who went down for 25 years wrote a book the world would drown under nigger books.
_______________________________________
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
aaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahah
aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahah hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahahhaha
uhemmm.. I mean, you racist cunt!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:36:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
who cares what nelson mandela thinks?
not me.
Jeez if every nigger who went down for 25 years wrote a book the world would drown under nigger books.
---
Hey now apollo. Be fair to the guy.
At least he hasn't re-offended.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to copy you and do this. You're so fucking BRILLIANT, Lyn!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES, CIRCE'S BAG IS TEH TARDIS!
CIRCE IS TEH TIMELORD!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PeanutButterJellyTime (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:28:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't remove anything from that bag, it's perfect as it is. But how the hell do you fit everything in there?
_______
I honestly don't know - I do know that no-one else can do it. But it all fits - the book sticks out of the top, because I have to put it in vertically and thus cannot close the zipper on that compartment, but every book does that, anyway.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:24:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet you picked a book that you thought would look impressive before you posted this.
_______
It's the book Thorpe sent me, for that uber book club, and happens to be what I'm reading right now... which I, you know, mentioned in the post.
If I wanted to pick a book that looked impressive I'd have chosen "The Little Book of Bunny Suicides."
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must not put "circe, you rock" in this comment...
damn.
Submitted by PeanutButterJellyTime (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't remove anything from that bag, it's perfect as it is. But how the hell do you fit everything in there?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:24:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet you picked a book that you thought would look impressive before you posted this.
------
It's on the book club list, Jamie. If you ever logged onto the group, you'd know that.
Dip.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no cowbell?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet you picked a book that you thought would look impressive before you posted this.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny only your writing skill could make the contents of your purse entertaining
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What if I was shopping and my car was parked far away and I suddenly needed that clean fresh feeling? Huh? and my perfume and toothbrush thingies and eyedrops were all in my car? AND IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT?????
--------------
Surely you could just have a smoke to regain your equilibrium. I mean that's what they're for.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rad - hahahahhahaha... it's not hard. You enter the code to call out of wherever you are, and then work out the last digit of my phone number, and then call it.
Hint - the last digit is not 0.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you buy codiene in bulk?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-14 11:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have spent the last 45 minutes trying to pigure out how to ring you up
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I play with your Lego?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:40:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
You could transfer at least 50% to your car, do you really need to have that stuff with you at all hours of the day?
________
What if I was shopping and my car was parked far away and I suddenly needed that clean fresh feeling? Huh? and my perfume and toothbrush thingies and eyedrops were all in my car? AND IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT?????
Yeah, you'd feel bad then.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's the spare change. My mother and sisters always had a shitload of spare change at the bottom of their purses.
Oh, and old crumpled up lottery tickets. Those too.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:39:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Apollo - you're so contravesial!
(It'd be the same if the scousers did it). """
YOU RACIST!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could transfer at least 50% to your car, do you really need to have that stuff with you at all hours of the day?
What Berty keeps on him at all times:
Keys to house
Keys to car
Wallet (i.e. various cards + £10)
Cigamerettes
Lighter.
That's it. The end. Assuming my nakedness is covered that is all I need for up to 3 months at time.
Surely you don't need all that crap 24/7?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More to the point, any vibrator that could hold Circe's interest wouldn't FIT in the purse. That's what golf bags are for.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks exactly as a mum's handbag should.
And Raine, the legos are absolutely necessary. You can't have much interaction with children without knowing that.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Contact solution? Looks like a mega-sized bottle of lube.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Apollo - you're so contravesial!
(It'd be the same if the scousers did it).
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what's cool? The contents of your purse are the same as the contents of your post. It's logical symmetry post thursday.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
who cares what nelson mandela thinks?
not me.
Jeez if every nigger who went down for 25 years wrote a book the world would drown under nigger books.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Raine - but they ARE. It keeps toddlers happy for minutes at a time.
Sped - who needs a vibrator when the peppermint powder on one of those brush-ups tingles like a motherfucker on sensitive flesh?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a bunch of random crap in my purse too, including five lipsticks that I haven't used in over 6 months. I found a toothpick in there the other day.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All that, and yet no vibrator of some sort? You disappoint me.
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-14 10:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything is totaly necessary except the Lego blocks.