Silica gel changed my life (2236 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.69 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple <sopher901.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-14 12:49:21 EDT
Sometimes when I'm at my job, I get really bored. My Attention Deficit Disorder starts kicking in and I start noticing little things.
Yesterday was particular slow, and I started to try and guess, solely by people's facial expressions, when the last time they had sex was. It killed about fifteen minutes, until some really old people came in and ruined it for me.
I usually get by on little observations or games like these to fill in the time when I am not doing anything particularly interesting or trying to stay awake. Most of the time I try to avoid a certain manager, that I'll call JefftheConstipatedStarfruit, whom usually sends me to do menial tasks. Oh, how I longed to be in charge.
So today, I was restocking all the life-vests when out from the box comes a Silica gel packet. It read, 'Do not eat'. Simple enough I guess.
Then my A.D.D. started to kick in, and I began to wonder what kind of person would eat this thing?
A toddler I could understand ingesting the gel, but the warning on it would be pointless because of its illiteracy.
Maybe the warning was meant for starving people or maybe as a disclaimer for Silica gel addicts? One thing was for sure, only someone extremely desperate or stupid would eat it.
Just then JefftheConstipatedStarfruit started heading my way, marching in his typical ego trip fashion. The Imperial March started to play in my head, and then I realized that the lot out back still needed to be tarred. I looked briefly at my beaming white Irish skin (if you stare to long you'll go blind), and postulated that if I went outside on this fine 95 degree day, I'd end up as red as a cherry popsicle. I then started thinking about popsicles, when I realized that JefftheConstipatedStarfruit was twenty yards away and closing. So I did the only thing I could do.
I ate the Silica gel.
At first I didn't notice anything, just dryness in my mouth and a plasticy taste.
"Good to see you're done with those life-vests RandytheHelpfulPineapple, I've got a job foooooor yoooooouuuu...", JefftheConstipatedStarfruit said, his voice slowing down to a crawl.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My vision narrowed to a pinpoint in front of me, I started to say 'WTF', but pretty soon I didn't care because an orgasmic rush shook through me. I didn't know what was happening, but I started to not care; JefftheConstipatedStarfruit was out of sight and out of mind.
My vision started to widen and sharpen, and I "awoke."
'Where am I now?' I thought to myself. I stood up and looked around. It's fucking Candyland!
Suddenly a magical tortoise appeared next to me.
"Finally our savior has arrived!" he shouted.
"Excuse me?" I replied.
"The evil lord Gluttius has laid siege to all of Candyland, and you're the only one that can stop him! Hurry, I'll show you to his castle," the portly tortoise screamed with glee.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, there killer. I didn't come here to do any work. Fuck that", I said, "I'm staying right here and relaxing."
"But they've enslaved the gum drops, and it won't be long before ..."
"FUCK THE GUM DROPS!" I shouted, "You can take your Joseph Campbell bullshit and shove it"
"Fine", said the upset tortoise, which promptly disappeared.
I proceeded to nestle beneath a tree to take a snooze, and drifted slowly into dreamland. I awoke to someone kicking me in the thigh sometime later.
"Wake up!" the figure barked, "You're trespassing."
I must have been out for a few hours, because it was dark out and had become rather cool.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, half awake, rubbing my eyes.
"Foolish foe! You dwell on the lands of Gluttius the Wrathful; Slayer of the Sour Patch Kids, Vanquisher of the gum drops, conqueror of Candyland!" the figure bellowed, revealing himself. He was wearing a chain mail suit with iron cladding on his torso, accompanied by a black cape, a rock candy bow staff, and a spiked helmet.
"I thought he enslaved the gum drops", I said matter-of-factly.
"Silence, for I, Gluttius command it!" he yelled, aiming the business end of the bow staff towards me.
"*Sigh* Gluttius, can we have a little intervention here?" I asked.
"What for?" he replied.
"Well, I think that you and I both know what's wrong here", I said.
"I'm not scary enough, am I?" he asked, in a sad voice.
"Yeah, I'm afraid not there buddy" I replied.
"Well I try to be, you know! It's not easy being in power; there's so much pressure to be evil. And the vanquishing!? Vanquish this, vanquish that; it's just so stressful", he said quickly, in a teary eyed voice as he sat down on the ground, hands on the side of his head, elbows resting on his knees.
"Oh, it's ok buddy. I know it's not easy", I said, kneeling down, giving the big softy a reassuring back rub.
I eyed his abandoned bow staff for a second, but then had a better idea.
"Say there Gluttius, have you ever considered a vacation? It'd be a good way to throw off all that responsibility" I said, digging in my pocket.
"What did you have in mind?" he asked.
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"Gluttius! You aren't done tarring yet?!?!? Christ, I could've done it with my toothbrush by now!" yelled JefftheConstipatedStarfruit.
"Almost done sir", he replied with a smile.
User Reviews
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-15 01:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Very perceptive mreddy.
Sorry I got you in trouble there crazybutsolazy.
I always wondered myself, it's kind of like one of those "Adventures of Pete and Pete" questions.
What does happen when you eat Silica gel?
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-14 16:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Suddenly a magical tortoise appeared next to me.
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Thanx a fucking lot. Read that, burst out laughing, got yelled at by manager. I hate you
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-07-14 14:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i grew up working in a shoe store. every single box of shoes, of which i must have sold over 5000 in my life, had a packet. i always looked at them, and always thought, "what if?..."
yet i never did.
thank you.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wondered what would happen if you ate the gel.
How did you find that picture of me playing Candyland anyways?
Submitted by mreddy1 (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that chicks vagina is showing, right by her leg.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All right. His story checks out.
-- Homer Simpson, checking in the encyclopedia
under "Bush, George"
Two Bad Neighbors
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rainer (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, hello there
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always wondered what happens when you ingest desiccant material. Thanks buddy.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-14 13:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What. The. Fuck.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. I detect a bit of an HST influence on your style.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-14 12:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uhhh.....