Deliverence is in the bottom of a fish bowl (485 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple <sopher901.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-15 16:50:02 EDT
On Fridays, I like to go out to parties. Last Friday however, was of particular interest.
One of my colleagues from work clued me in on a little get together one of his friends was having out in the woods. If you don't know already, an Illinoisan's woods is a house with a forest preserve next to it. After due deliberation, I decided to go.
Out front it appeared to be a normal party with a mix of working twenty-somethings, college kids, and a few old farts (sorry if you're over 35, you're an old fart). The house was two stories, probably built in the mid-nineties, with a porch and a deck in the back. The keg was in the back, so I naturally gravitated to it.
"Hold on there partner! I need your keys before you go in. Don't worry, they're going in this bowl here", a man with a red polo said grasping a fish bowl half full with keys.
"Yeah, here you go", I said tossing my keys, figuring the guy was a drink and drive Nazi. It's ok, I'll get them back; I never really drink too much.
"Where's your date?" he asked.
"Oh, uh, parking the car", I replied, thinking that they were doing frat math (frat math explained at bottom of the article).
"Ok, see you inside". He replied.
Thirty minutes and a few beers in, I started to loosen up and started talking to people. Something seemed a little strange though; everyone seemed to be a couple.
'Figures I'd be stuck at a party with no single women', I thought to myself.
A few seconds later I noticed a cute brunette standing alone on the far part of the deck. Might as well talk to her, right?
"Hi", I said.
"Hi there", she replied, as she broke eye contact with whatever she was staring at in the forest.
"Nice scenery isn't it?" I asked, gesturing at the forest.
"Yeah, Tom's a lucky guy", she replied.
"Oh, this is Tom's place huh? I haven't met him yet, who is he?" I asked.
"He's the one in the red polo, by the keg", she said as she pointed him out, "Is this the first time you've been to one of these?"
"Yeah, first time, I had a hard time finding the place", I replied.
"Aren't you nervous? I know I was my first time. I still get goose bumps!" she gushed.
"Nervous? No, why?" I asked.
"Some people just get nervous at their first wife swapping", she shrugged.
At first I was taken aback, but then I thought about it. As much as I think marriage is an oath of monogamy, and wife swapping negates marriage, I hadn't been laid in... well... I don't want to talk about it. If they want to offer me up a freebie lay with their wife, that's fine. If their wife is nasty, then I'll just say I'm there by mistake.
"Ok everyone, it's that time!" Tom shouted from on top of a table.
Everyone got quiet and turned towards him as he began to read off screw partners.
"Ok, the first man to go is red carabineer (my keys), and the first woman to go is purple rabbit's foot. Come on up, you guys get the master bedroom upstairs" he shouted, waving us on.
I stood still, waiting for purple rabbit's foot to make the first step. Then a stacked blonde in her mid-twenties started moving towards the table. 'Jackpot!' I thought, as I started to move towards the table.
"It's the second door on your right when you get upstairs. Feel free to use the balcony if you want", Tom said with a smile.
I linked arms with my bimbo, and hurried inside; it might only be five minutes before they realize someone is odd man out (literally). I led her up the stairs and into the room, locking the door behind me.
"What's your name?" I asked her to break the ice, since I had never fucked a stranger before.
"Jill, and you?" she countered.
"Cornelius", I replied slyly. Cornelius was my fake name of choice.
There wasn't much talking going on after that point. It was naked time.
About ten minutes later, someone started pounding on the door.
"Get out of there you son of a bitch!!! You're fucking my wife!!!" the muffled voice cried.
'Sure now he cares about other people screwing his wife', I thought to myself as I retrieved my dick from Jill.
"What's this all about honey?" Jill yelled at the door as she grabbed for the blanket.
"He didn't swap, he came here stag!!!" he yelled as he pounded on the door.
"What!??!" she yelled, giving me a glare.
I shrugged at her with a smile on my face, and pulled up my jeans, and then headed for the balcony. She raced to the door to unlock it, but by then I was on the other side of the railing. She opened the door, and my eyes met with my foe. He was about 6'4" 250 pounds, probably a marine, judging by his haircut. So I gave him a salute before jumping from the railing on the deck.
"You son of a bitch!!! You fucked my wife, so now I'm gonna fuck you!!!" he hollered as he raced towards the balcony.
My only shot at escaping was the woods, so I darted for them, but Jill's crazed husband was right behind me. I started leaping and dodging around the plant life, as I heard 'roid rage thunder behind me in his steel-toe boots. It was about this time that my paintballing skills saved the sanctity of my anus. My agility and speed left the colossus in the dust, spurred on by the thoughts from the movie "Deliverence".
I eventually found a good spot in some shrubs around the tree line near the front of the house. By this time, the whole house was buzzing, and people started to poor out in boxers and backwards t-shirts. Thankfully they all headed towards the back of the property where they saw me go in.
'Shit!' I thought, 'I need my damned keys!'
I snuck up on the deck to see if anyone was there, as if I was playing a horribly twisted game of "Ghost in the Graveyard". No one was there, and the bowl was still sitting on the table. I snuck as best as I could onto the deck, and started to dig around for my keys.
"HE'S OVER HERE!!!" a female voice shrilled from the window.
I looked up at Jill on the balcony, and gave her a glare. She shrugged with a smile on her face. I turned around and saw a wave of half naked men pour out of the forest seventy-five yards away. I briefly thought of Custer's last stand, but then turned my attention to the bowl and dug harder.
"Got 'em", I said, as I looked up and flicked Jill off.
They were about forty yards away, so I took off running towards the front of the house. Luckily I had parked down the block, and most of the smut-bags were out of shape. I keyed open my car and raced away from the rage filled polyamorous mob.
And that's the last time I got laid. How about you?
Frat math is done by doormen at a frat party to ensure better odds of alcohol induced date rape. If a guy arrives by himself, he is a -1. If a girl arrives by herself, she is a +1. Groups are only allowed in if they are +1 or more. So in order to get in, each guy (-1) has to have two girls (+2), to make it in (+1).
User Reviews
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-15 17:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-15 17:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was thinking of the guy who ran for Senate here on the Republican ticket (Ryan). He and his wife, Jeri Ryan (aka 7 of 9), got a divorce, and the details leaked to the media as he was running.
Apparently he wanted her to goto some sort of place where you have sex in front of other people, as well as wife swapping.
I vaguely remember that episode. Wasn't it Red and Kitty at their neighbor's house?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-15 17:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, I saw that episode of 'That 70's Show', too...
Submitted by Andrewd (user info) at 2005-07-15 17:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
GJ Cornelius