If You’re Ever On Mars... (1914 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: planetseries
Rating: 1.87 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's House of Paincakes (View user info) at 2005-07-16 03:19:05 EDT
There's this little house on Mars that you've got to visit. It's not really a house. More like an odd little shack in the middle of a lake. There's water on Mars. They're lying to you about that. The little shack sits on a stone island in the middle of the lake. You have to rent a boat from this toothless guy. There are no paddles. Bring your own. It's nice to paddle. You should visit.
There's this girl Kate that lives in the little shack on Mars. She's a nice girl. She tells stories about herself in the third person. There's not much to do on Mars since they closed the roller coaster due to lack of gravity. The cars just kept floating into space. Kate hasn't had much to talk about since the last day the roller coaster was open. She misses the screams from the riders as they floated into orbit.
There's this stupid beach on Mars. No one goes there anymore. They built a shitty restaurant near the beach. The owner is a talking flamingo named Carl. He keeps shitting on the beach. That's why no one goes to the beach.
There's this animal on Mars that doesn't breathe oxygen. It's got these wings that keep it on the ground. He's a fuzzy little frog with huge feet. We call the animal Graham. He bites us.
We used to take trips to Mars all the time. Then mom got sick and dad lost his job. My brother went away to college and my sister got married. We all fell apart. Some days I sit on the roof and look up at Mars and think 'Gee, I wonder how Kate is doing in her shack. I wonder if they'll open the roller coaster. I wonder if they'll clean up the beach. I wonder if Graham has died since no one is there to feed him with their flesh.'
I used to fly on Mars. You have to tie a rope to your waist so you don't float away. I could do the best flips on Mars. Things were always easier with less gravity.
I think I'll move to Mars if I grow up.
So if you're ever on Mars, tell Kate I said hi. But don't go to that beach. It's shit. And Graham will bite you. Don't go see him.
Mars isn't that far away if you drive straight up....
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you will never grow up steve. Just out.
Submitted by DBecs (user info) at 2005-09-20 03:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I drive a Mars!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-29 14:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations!
I'm so happy I peed a litttle.
<gheylooperwithagunDick\/>
<dickgun?>
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-16 18:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have gone off the deep end... *kiss*
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-16 18:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Animated short yes.
Complaining about the gravity no.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-16 18:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so like the stories my older brother used to tell me before bed- although he used "tickle rockets": his hands were the Martian ships landing on me; the aliens, his fingers, would walk around my body (no, not like that) and if I laughed or even moved, I'd be tickled mercilessly. Thanks for the memories. +++
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-07-16 17:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 17:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can this go to B@W, please?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-07-16 17:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 15:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-16 13:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe some one was bitching that I got the fact about Mars' gravity wrong when I made a claim that THEY HAD A ROLLER COASTER.
Artistic license for Sith sake.
I was going to write one about Jupiter but now I'm worried that some one will bitch that I didn't include the constant hurricanes. 'Jupiter is a lot like Florida - full of old people.'
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I want a post for each planet (except Earth) in the solar system!!! The asteroid belt too.
And I'll bitch slap anyone who picks their nits.
So there.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-16 13:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe some one was bitching that I got the fact about Mars' gravity wrong when I made a claim that THEY HAD A ROLLER COASTER.
Artistic license for Sith sake.
I was going to write one about Jupiter but now I'm worried that some one will bitch that I didn't include the constant hurricanes. 'Jupiter is a lot like Florida - full of old people.'
...I'm just pished that my UM idea didn't come to me in the night. That's all...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 11:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 again because this post is awesome.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, If i beat you you have to tell me who Michael Jackson is.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when did it mean 'r???
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Larry the cable guy fan?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 08:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, because even if you did submit I'd keep on bugging you to keep up the charade. Get it done!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO STOP STOP STOP I DONT WANT TO GET ALL DQ'ED
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I cannot very well submit it right now.
People will know its our entry.
we gotta wait this one out now, because you had to go and fuck it all up.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You wanna use one of my storiesideas rad??
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, I just want someone to read my story so I'll know if it's any good or not.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you told me you had an idea. YOU LIED TO ME!!!!!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew it.
I have to start thinking about what to maybe brainstorm about.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I submitted.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you do what I think you did?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 07:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT DID I DO!?!?!?!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-16 06:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Brautigan is Broken.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If someone would just get on telepathy channel number 6 we wouldn't be talking about it on here.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no aim at work
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, if someone would just get on aim we wouldnt be talking about it here.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh for sure, it would be easy to do. I e the premise for my emo story which resolves around that title down and could have it done in ohh 2 hours probably. But I think I'm gonna try a different direction.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG STOP TALKING ABOUT IT THEY WILL DQ US
OH NOES, IT ARE = TEH LOLOCAUST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59497
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure you can shoehorn that walrus of a title into that story.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I might. One of my stories is emo crap as usual, but I don't think I'll use that one.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What?
No objective EMO crap that usually spills from your pen?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad, you might not even have to make a good post. it looks like my entry will be borderline if I get DQ'ed or not.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a scary dude.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:11:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
lack ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lk)
n.
Deficiency or absence: Lack of funding brought the project to a halt.
A particular deficiency or absence: Owing to a lack of supporters, the reforms did not succeed.
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SEE THERE, LACK MEANS DEFICIENCY. DEFICIENT MEANS LESS THAN SUFFICIENT.
MARS HAS LESS GRAVITY.
AND IF THE ROLLY COASTER CARS ACHIEVE MARS ESCAPE VELOCITY (WHICH IS LESS THAN TEH EARTH'S BY COMPARISON) THEY WILL FLOAT INTO SPACE.
GO FUCKING NIT-PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE'S POST, YOU FOOKIN N00B
--------------------------------------------------------------
Rad, you scare me when you talk in Caps.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.......................... = gheyest looper review.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why won't rad camp with me? Is he mad at me?! snif snif
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
By far the..........................I've seen tonight.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why bother rad? I'm already done with Acts 1 and 2, and am at scene 5 of Act 3. I will be selling my ubermadness post after the competition and it's going to be turned into a broadway musical.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:12:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AND YOU SHUT IT DARKO IM TRYING TO GET MY GAME FACE ON
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lack ( P ) Pronunciation Key (lk)
n.
Deficiency or absence: Lack of funding brought the project to a halt.
A particular deficiency or absence: Owing to a lack of supporters, the reforms did not succeed.
--------------
SEE THERE, LACK MEANS DEFICIENCY. DEFICIENT MEANS LESS THAN SUFFICIENT.
MARS HAS LESS GRAVITY.
AND IF THE ROLLY COASTER CARS ACHIEVE MARS ESCAPE VELOCITY (WHICH IS LESS THAN TEH EARTH'S BY COMPARISON) THEY WILL FLOAT INTO SPACE.
GO FUCKING NIT-PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE'S POST, YOU FOOKIN N00B
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2005-07-16 05:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not to nit-pick (or nose-pick), my little space-cadet, but Mars has about 1/3 the gravity of earth...not a "lack of gravity". I.e., if you weigh 200 lbs here, you'd weigh 75 lbs on Mars...so you (or cars) wouldn't "float off into space..."
No worries...................
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why won't rad camp with me? Is he mad at me?! snif snif
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look in the lake
You'll see a Martian
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get degreeless on it!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, serious here for a second.
I envision this post as an animated short. Do you realize how righteous that would be?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you stevie
I hate you stevie
You know why
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:05:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!
Boo Radley! Boo Radley!!
Get it?! Boo Radley!!
Atticus Finch sez that you're his homeboy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A well-read, literary-minded young woman?
...
<ejaculates>
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 04:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!
Boo Radley! Boo Radley!!
Get it?! Boo Radley!!
Atticus Finch sez that you're his homeboy.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:55:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it about uber that bring out all this gheyness?
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I don't know Radley-Boo but uber has caused me to develop Tourette's.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it about uber that bring out all this gheyness?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:20:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
At some point in time, we are going to have buttsecks. That's how much I enjoy your posts. You have been warned.
------------------
I liked this post so much that I want to have buttsecks with you too....even if I have to go get a strap-on.
did I just say that out loud?!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes sense.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mmmmm apples.....
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, I was kind of the same way. But then I came up with something that I thought was pretty creative. Rambling and random as hell, but creative. Plus, it applies to the title in a roundabout way. I'm excited for people to read it, although I did miss a few grammatical errors (as per usual).
And the shampoo happens to be Suave Strawberry, but I'm not sure they mean the taste. The soap, on the other hand, is Bath & Body Works Country Apple.
Incidentally, I don't eat fruit. I just clean myself with it.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Something with a cherry flavour would be nice.
The problem I had with writing from only a title was that I can't shake the first idea that popped into my head when I saw it. I need to go for a walk tomorrow and come up with something better. Or else refine it so it's not as cliched.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lube, eh? well, I have soap, shampoo, and KY hardcore gaysex jelly. Which do you prefer? Two of those will lube AND clean. One will just lube. It's your call.
Also, I find that writing something with just a title was very fun for me. I just let my creative juices flow and, well, to be honest, I had to get a towell and clean up the mess I made. But I also wrote something somewhat worthwhile for the first time in months.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I sat down to write my UberMadness entry and this came out.
And bring lube, I guess. I don't have any.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard, I was gonna post this exact thing for ubermadness! I think the only way you can make it up to me is to write me a even better post to use.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another because you sound like you're channeling Garrison Keillor in this post.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 completely on your storytelling abilities. Admiration.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-16 03:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At some point in time, we are going to have buttsecks. That's how much I enjoy your posts. You have been warned.