UberResponse to spedmonkey's Uberpoll: Who Would Be On Your Superhero Football Team? (1173 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.58 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AsshOly (View user info) at 2005-07-17 00:52:36 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70388
Obviously, my first overall draft pick would be Superman. Everybody's would be Superman. His name alone implies the ability to kick copious amounts of ass on the football field at every Goddamn position and thus he is a boring pick. Of all the other superheroes I could think of, Mr. Incredible (The Incredibles) was the most viable option at every other position. He would excel at every position, even if he's fatter than your average cornerback.
I know most people thought Jean Gray, Professor X, and Yoda should have been allowed to participate, but that's just no fucking fun. Imagine one of those freaks out on the field. If Professor X was on the field, it wouldn't matter who else was out there - a team of popsicle sticks with mad faces drawn onto them in pink marker would take the New York Giants behind the tool shed if only with the telepathic aid of the professor. None of these guys made my final cuts.
Any shapeshifters and anybody who forms solid objects out of thin air is also not welcome on my kick ass football team. The Wonder Twins can suck it. Green Lantern, while totally awesome, would be a lame football player. I'm not letting him carry his ring onto the field. Batman doesn't keep his ninja bat stars; Blade doesn't get to carry a sword. Being super has to have something to do with the ability to just tear open assholes without any extraneous equipment. There's no room under football pads for a sword, fuckers.
Teleporting while holding a football is fucking gay and highly inadvisable. I will not allow it. Teleporting at all other times is A-Ok. Just not while running with the ball.
I also did not include any superheroes who were never actually human. Underdog, Atom Ant, and Johnny Mantis don't make my cut because that would be fucking gay. And you cant carry a football if you have no fucking hands.
OFFENSE!~:
QB: Captain America
Captain America was born to be a quarterback. He is a natural leader of men and has the intelligence necessary to read defensive schemes and find his open receivers (he would make a good president, too!). He has arm strength and accuracy, which we know because he throws that shield all over the place.
FB: The Tick
I would have liked to use him as something else than a blocking back, but the reality here is that he's a real big fuckup. Everything he does right is an accident, but he makes them look good. He has the capacity to be a star, but he's accident prone and as smart as a dump truck. At least if he's going to be running into things he can be clearing a path for—
TB: The Human Torch
This guy can flat out fly - literally. I would trust nobody else more than this guy with the ball in his hands. Agile, fast, strong, and who wants to tackle a big ass ball of fire? Now that I think about it, we may need a few more game balls because he will melt the shit out of them. He won't fumble though, not if the ball can be incinerated before it hits the ground.
WR: Spiderman, Mr. Stretch, Flash, Gumby
The two starting wideouts have to be Spiderman and Mr. Stretch. Spiderman has speed to burn and is aided with a natural supply of stick-um. Stretch can extend farther than anybody and has the softest hands you will ever find. In three- and four-receiver sets, The Flash and Gumby come onto the field for me. Speed kills, and obviously Flash has plenty of that. No corner in the league will be able to keep up with him. I see him as an Az Hakim-type player. Lots of fades and streaks. Gumby, I feel, is the best-kept secret among superheroes. His body is made of clay, out of fucking clay! He's immune to injury and can, like Stretch, extend and pluck balls out of the air.
TE: Captain Planet
Captain Planet. He's a hero. He's gonna bring pollution down to zero and he is a guy I believe can do it all on the football field. Another guy who can fly, and he's big and strong enough to block for the run. A good fit at tight end as he will humbly accept his role on the team. You gotta love his attitude. The power is yours. Indeed.
LT: Doctor Octopus
At left tackle, you ideally want your best blocker to protect your quarterback's blindside, and that's just what you get with Ock. I am willing to risk a potential onslaught of holding calls, as his arms will almost definitely be extended from his body. He slides past my "extraneous equipment" rule because his extra appendages are attached to his body. You have a problem with that? You can take it up with him.
LG: The Hulk
He and my right guard are perfect fits for the guard positions. This man can rumble in the trenches and he's quick enough to pull and lead block on sweeps. Tenacity is a concern. Much like the Waterboy, he will not be an effective football player if he is not constantly angry.
C: The Beast
A brilliant scientist during the off-season, this man will be an All-Star center. He is obviously intelligent enough to react to the stunts on the defensive line and can direct the rest of his line.
RG: The Thing
The Thing is a perfect fit for the guard position. He has Impeccable pass- and run-blocking skills, but maybe a bit sluggish pulling around on sweeps.
RT: Colossus
All I really want out of a right tackle is a big ass mother fucker. Is he? Yes, he is.
DEFENSE!~:
*Note - Due to having available such a plethora of middle-sized superheroes, I have decided not to use the traditional 4-3 format and convert my squad to a 3-4. If you don't know shit about football, that means I'm using three linemen instead of four, and four linebackers instead of three. (On downs I decided to use a 4-3, Leonardo, Donatello, Rafael, and Michaelangelo will sub in and play on the line.)
LE: Goliath
This gargoyle has the athleticism necessary to rush off the edge effectively in the 3-4 scheme. His wide wingspan helps him gobble up runners and he can fly, so like, try blocking that shit.
RE: Sabretooth
On the other end of my line I have my power rusher. Sabretooth is insane and will fuck you up. He is what you want in a 3-4 pass-rushing end. Size and strength. He's a monster.
NT: Juggernaut
Juggernaut, literally, is an unstoppable force. What better place to play him than nose tackle? You can't stop him, you can only hope to contain him. Actually, you cant contaim him either. The quarterback had better outrun him or he's going to get rocked.
ROLB: Blade
Blade is a big black guy, so obviously he's a great athlete. After watching him chase down all those vampires in all of his movies, I cant wait to see him chase down ball carriers. And what makes him better than all other vampires is he can play day games.
RILB: Mr. Incredible
As I said in my introduction, Mr. Incredible is the most versatile athlete superhero I can think of this side of Superman. He is very fast, very intelligent, and hits like a...like I don't know what. He can hit. At inside linebacker, nobody will be running up the middle.
LILB: Jax
But in case they do, we've got this freak. Jax will be the most effective blitzing linebacker as his mecharms are perfect for bull rushing. Anybody on the other side of the line talking shit? Jax has that move where he can punch the ground and cause earthquakes and send shit flying through the air. Is that not bad ass? Well?
LOLB: Space Ghost
Space Ghost, even without his armbands with the buttons that let him fly and blow shit up, is a strong dude. Fast, agile, and has the tenacity of an intergalactic bounty hunter, except he's a good guy.
CB: Vegeta, Goku, Nightcrawler
At cornerback, I found me a pair of Super Saiyans. These guys, let me tell you what. These guys can bring it. They'll stick to their receivers like glue, and nobody's getting behind them. They're two of the most agile superheroes you will ever find and have shown the ability to fly to the ball. What makes them even more exciting to watch is both of them can hit. Forget Antoine Winfield; these guys will redefine the position. Goku's teamwork rating is flawless, but Vegeta's cooperation skills leave a little to be desired. Nightcrawler is my nickelback. While he has no athleticism to speak of, he can teleport himself wherever he needs to go. He'll be on receivers like white on rice in a glass of milk in a snowstorm. Tackling ability is a concern, but I'm really just looking for him to knock down passes. He can teleport for God's sake - it shouldn't be a fucking problem.
FS: Venom
This guy is one hell of a safety net. He is a ballhawk who can run and hit and his tongue is disgusting so I don't think anybody really wants to be on the bottom of a pile with him slobbering all over everything.
SS: Superman
He can play any position of the football field, but this is the one for which I found him best-suited. There's nothing I can say here that you don't know, so I'm moving on.
SPECIAL TEAMERS:
K: Hitmonlee
This pokemon is the kicking master! His legs are mechanical and he really doesn't do much else, and I bet he could kick a 63-yard field goal any time he wants.
P: Lou Kang
The master of the bicycle kick. That probably means he can kick the shit out of a football. I don't think he understands English, but his job isn't too difficult so it shouldn't be a problem.
KR/PR: It doesn't matter. They're all fucking superheroes.
(The Human Torch)
Head Coach: Professor X
General Manager: Yoda
TOUGH CUTS:
Wonderwoman - She'd be good and all, but I just couldnt find a spot where she could play better than any of the guys. She's a decent back-up, but that's all she will ever be.
Meltman and Stinky Diver - I love these guys, I just dont see how they could help the team out.
Batman - I took away all his cool shit and now he doesnt do anything so fuck him.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:46:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
SS: Powdered Toast Man
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it was powdered milk man.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who the fuck chose these ubermadness titles? DAMMIT!
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well ok, i think i addressed the green lantern beef in the introduction. i think you are the manliest-looking woman ive ever seen. i think you are the Jerry to my Rice.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
green lantern? GREEN LANTERN? Fuck you green lantern, dickfuck.
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more Green Lantern
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-07-18 00:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My ideal team would put Batman as the QB, Wolverine as the RB, Silver Surfer (who could theoretically kill Superman) as ... I don't know. I think I could put together an opposing team, however. Again, awesome idea.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-07-18 00:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, awesome, although I have to say Batman would make a much sneakier quarterback than Captain America. I say make Cap your backup QB. Plus Batman has the arm from throwing all of those Batarangs.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
QB: Adam West as Batman
RB: Aquaman
FB: Morocco Mole
WR: Space Ghost
WR: Jesus
TE: Elvis
Offensive Line: The Powerpuff Girls and the Wonder Twins
SS: Powdered Toast Man
FS: The dog from "Sandlot"
CB: Bootsy Collins
CB: Stephen Hawking
MLB: Ares, God of War
OLB: Manboy
OLB: Boyman
RE: Mothra
LE: Gamera
DT: Godzilla
DT: Mecha-Godzilla
P: The Cuddler
K: Orgazmo
PR/KR: Captain Foamy
Submitted by chemokenny (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chillax (user info) at 2005-07-17 07:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Marv from Sin City? Sure, he appears to be just a normal human, but put him in the middle of the line thingy you have* and he'd fuck up everyone in a 6-foot radius. Superhero or not.
*Can you tell I'm not American?
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-17 04:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-17 03:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:54:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
You fuckers should not be sober on a Saturday night man
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I tried to go out but either all my friends are gone/working and there is a giant line up at the bar(there are only two good bars in my town and all my friends only go to the one). But tommorrow I'm gonna get wasted cause it's Syphillus Sunday!
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Oh and AsshOly so what if Worlverine is short he's still super pumped, he probably weighs like 220lb. And his skeletal structure is a metal so hard it rivals my morning erections. Plus look at Rocky. He was only like 5'4" and he took out that giant Russian that was like 6'4".
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-17 03:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Gambit? Too lanky framed?
No one seems to dig Gambit, I wonder why.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE. I was supposed to go to a party but the fucking girl went sailing and got sick and called it off. God dammit. I even put on my good boxers.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You fuckers should not be sober on a Saturday night man
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:33:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Wolverine? He will heal after any takedown, and with giant fucking blades coming out of his knuckles anyone he tackles would die. He would literally tear through the other team.
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Oh yeah. Wolverine is only 5'2". I know. I was shocked. No midgets on my team.
I couldnt, in good conscience, put Superman at a real important position. I agree.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Wolverine? He will heal after any takedown, and with giant fucking blades coming out of his knuckles anyone he tackles would die. He would literally tear through the other team.
Oh, and I fucking hate Superman. More like Supercheater. The bastard has like every fucking power. They need to trim it down. Plus what if the opposing team had some kryptonite? You lose your star player.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll write an article tomorrow solely on the awesomeness of Apocalypse.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Millenium Falcon? No vehicles cockbag!
Apocalypse is coo. I forgot about him.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My team is full of transformers and decipticons, I win.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd take my team against yours any day.
Apocalypse would pwnz0r your entire line...
Apocalypse > The Hulk with Luke Skywalker and the Millenium Falcon
My God am I a nerd
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-17 02:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the -- ? CAPTAIN PLANET??
You can't be serious.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I forgot:
I wanted Storm at free safety, and I was this close to choosing her over venom. Imagine if you had somebody who could change the weather in your favor and blow field goal attempts and long passes down after fifteen yards or strike a ballcarrier on a breakaway with a lightning bolt. Oh man, that would be awesome.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aside from the bitmap, this was awesome.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:09:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. I love this idea.
But Mortal Kombat characters? That's reaching.
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I agree, but I really like Jax. Either way, both of the guys I used are more superhuman than Batman is.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. I love this idea.
But Mortal Kombat characters? That's reaching.
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"ROLB: Blade
Blade is a big black guy, so obviously he's a great athlete."
^^^Hellllz yeah, Nigga.^^^
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 01:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well i sure as fuck wouldnt write this for anything but ubersite, so its not just some normal response to some everyday question.
It's an UberResponse to an UberPoll.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-17 00:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"UberResponse"
Good grief. It's like how McDonalds uses "Mc" in fornt of everything. Where's it going to stop?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-17 00:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70840
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-17 00:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My team has officially been put to shame. Nice fucking job.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-17 00:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking bitmap