Blast Off (2075 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.13 on 147 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-17 10:50:01 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Craig Sims had been sleeping when the ringing of his phone shook him awake. "Craig, the Hubble telescope is malfunctioning again. We want you to personally go up there and fix it" the voice on the other end boomed. It was Bob Fitzgerald, Craig's boss and administrator of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration."Who do you think I am MacGyver? You need to give me a little more information than that Bob."
"Information is a luxury we don't have. I need you to get ready to go, you'll be blasting off as soon as we can get a shuttle ready for you."
That was one month ago, and Craig was still just as confused as he was that night. Except now he was already in space and had captured the Hubble and transferred it into his ships cargo bay. Craig got sick when he thought of all the money that had been dumped into this thing. Good old taxpayer money at work.
"I got it, now what the hell do you want me to do with it?" Craig asked his radio contacts back on Earth.
"Just sit back and let the robot do its work." The voice responded through his headset. Bob had wanted to use an unmanned ship to repair the telescope, but without being able to tell what exactly was wrong until they had the Hubble in for repair he decided to send up an astronaut to supervise. Craig was the man for the job.
"I'll go to sleep then, after all it is after midnight. See you all in the morning." With that Craig strapped himself into his seat and started to doze off.
A loud thud jarred Craig awake. "What the hell was that" he said to himself as he unstrapped himself from his seat. A thumping noise now resounded throughout the space ship, reminding Craig of some of the crappy techno music they had back home. As he listened closely he was able to tell that the noise was coming from the Cargo room. "Great, the fucking robot is malfunctioning he muttered to himself."
The walk to the cargo room seemed to take forever; the rhythmic thumping annoyed him more and more with each step. As Craig walked into the bay he saw the robot that was supposed to be working on the Hubble had been dismantled into three different pieces.
"Something isn't right here people!" Craig shouted into his communicator, but no reassuring voices responded.
Craig moved closer towards the robot when he saw a blur from the corner of his right eye. He spun himself clockwise and awaited the horror that he would surely find. His preparation was useless and he was left stunned as he eyed the creature.
Craig had watched all of the movies, the ones where aliens where long faced and had tentacle like fingers or had menacing exoskeletons which made people gasp for breath as they tried to call for their mommies. He knew that being an astronaut meant he might meet one of these creatures and it would be up to him to asses if they were threats or not and deal with them accordingly. He never thought that the first alien creature to come in contact with humans would be one foot tall and furry. If Craig hadn't seen it moving he would have swore it was just a stuffed animal. Strange how things come in odd packages sometimes.
The creature was quivering and Craig felt genuinely sympathetic towards it. This alien was cute and reminded him of a pet. He slowly stepped towards the creature, extending his hand as if to show that he meant it no harm. This was not how he had been trained to deal with any organisms he might run into while on missions, but damn it this thing was hurt and Craig wanted to help it.
The alien looked up at Craig with its wide eyes, shaking out of fear as the large hand approached it. Once he was within reach, Craig stroked the creature in an attempt to reassure it, much like one would a dog or a cat. This caused the creature to coo and its demeanor immediately changed from frightened to happy.
"Poor little thing" Craig said to the creature as he picked it up in his hands. Despite not having a model of comparison Craig could tell the thing was too skinny and withering away. "How did you do all of this damage?" he spoke to the creature as he carried it towards the robot. The only response he got was another coo from the smiling creature.
Upon inspection of the robot it became clear that there were bite marks where the robot was dismantled. "Awww, you were just hungry weren't you?" he stated as he patted the creatures head. His body language indicated that that was the exact case. "Well, let's rassle you something up partner!" Craig said with a laugh. The alien signaled his approval in the form of more cooing.
Craig carried the creature over towards the galley and set it down on the oven as he started to prepare some food. "While you are waiting have some water, you must be thirsty too." After giving the creature his water, Craig turned around and went back to work on the food. It wasn't until 5 minutes later when he turned around did he see what he had done.
The creature howled in pain as seven little fuzzy balls began to pop out of its back, and the as site left Craig horrified. Being torn between wanting to make sure that the strange creature was alright and wanting to escape while he could left Craig paralyzed. Then almost as quickly as it had started the creature's back returned to normal and the painful sounds stopped.
Craig hurried over to the alien to see if it was alright. Despite being fatigued and even more run down than before, it looked like the creature was recovering well. The question of what to do about the fuzzy balls that now resided on the space shuttle's floor entered Craig's mind, but before he could attempt to come up with an answer the problem was solved.
The balls grew larger and larger until they uncoiled and revealed to be more versions of the alien. They weren't identical to the original creature, but they looked quite similar. "I see we have some more mouths to feed, luckily I made a lot." Then Craig took the food and set it in front of all of the creatures. They devoured it faster than Kobayashi does hotdogs.
All of the sudden the creatures started shedding there fur, revealing their slimy green skin underneath. While they shed they grew sharp long nails and most terrifying of all each one got an evil grin. "Guys? Guys can you hear me?" but nobody was responding. As the group of creatures marched towards Craig the truth dawned on him. That creature was planning this all along; it must have cut my communication before it lured me into the cargo bay.
Craig slowly backed away from the creatures till he was pinned against the wall with nowhere else to do. That was when the creatures lashed at him. The first one swiped at his midsection, causing a tear in his suit, but missing his flesh. The second one went after his left leg and bit into it. The rest howled as they watched Craig try to fend off his attackers.
It didn't take Craig long to realize he was going to die. He let his kindness get the best of him. "If only I hadn't given that thing water! If only I hadn't fed the creatures!" Those thoughts resounded in his head, until an idea popped up. Craig had heard those warnings before, and now he knew what needed to be done.
Mustering up his strength he was able to kick the creature at his left leg across the room, which freed him up to grab at and throw the other creature aside. The rest stopped laughing and focused on Craig with a deep hatred in their eyes. "I'm onto you now, I know how to stop you! I know the one weakness that all gremlins have!" The look upon the faces of the creatures, the gremlins, was one of pure panic. They knew that they were powerful, but that their weakness was a fatal one.
Craig saw that he had the gremlins on the rope, and that his bluff was working. He needed them the stay still and away from him for 46 seconds, the amount of time it would take for him to get to the equipment bay. Once there he could access the survival kit, and from then on it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Having figured that then was the best chance he would get Craig took off running.
The gremlins didn't start pursuing him until he was already half way there, and by then it was too late. The closest one got there 5 seconds after Craig had already opened up the kit he needed, and was met with a blast of light. By the time the body hit the floor it was liquid.
Craig was now in control as he chased down the remaining gremlins. They didn't even put up a fight anymore after seeing what happened to the first gremlin. After rounding up all of the six gremlins that were left, Craig killed them all with a quick shot from his flashlight. It was his kindness that got him into this mess, he couldn't let it take over and be his downfall now.
With his communication severed and the repair robot destroyed Craig decided to just head back to earth. The fuckers could repair the Hubble telescope themselves and launch it back later. As he began his descent he made up his mind to retire. A guy can only take so much excitement in one life time, and he had more than his fair share. He could move to Vegas and try his hand at professional poker. After all he had the bankroll for it. Playing poker for a living and living off of other peoples hard earned money that they would just throw at him to take, now that was the life for Craig. He could sleep till 4 in the afternoon and never have to worry about another damn phone call in the middle of the night.
As Craig plotted his future, the gremlin that he forgot to account for remained hidden in the cargo bay, waiting for the ship to reach Earth.
- VS -
Entry 2
"You fucking lip off to me one more time I will fucking haul off and hit 'cha!"In this smallish Irish family, Donald McCullough knew his limits. Mayhap an extra five minutes out before his mother called him in for the night, or an extra serving of the nightly stew; Donnie's momma didn't raise no fools. "Just do what she wants tonight, for goodness sake" (the latter 'goodness" changed to "fucks" in his later, teenage, years) "Just do what is raight tonight, and maychance you'll go straighton ta bed wit' out a beatin'"
Donnie laid his slight body on the dark carpet before his mother's bedroom. The napp of the rug, thick and smelt of cigarettes and chemicals, brushed against the youngster's face. Peering into the sanctum sanctorum of his mother's small apartment, Donnie understood the influence of Satan on his previous mommy's heart. Something to do with a slender shiny straw mama seemed really interested in. Always sucking at the air, always a match or lighter under the swollen bulb at the end of it, always twirling the thing like a drum major; a fucking slut twirling a dick, Don thought later on.
Fuck those mother fuckers who let that poison rule their worlds.
---
The blow knocked Larry Welsh from his chair. The seventeen year old had been in trouble before, but never like this. Another strike rained down upon his head.
"THOU shalt not sin, Larry! Do you thin the man Jesus was laughing when 'ee proclaimed thus upon all his chillins? No! Never laughing, sins is the laud's business, Larry! THOU SHALT NOT SIN IN THE FACE OF THY LAUD!" Maggie Welsh had a way with the scripture that non of heah chillin's evah forgot.
It was time for Larry James Welsh to leave his custodian's care and strike out on his own. Some work at a pizzeria/wing shop here, a job as dishwasher here; Larry never really understood what it was to work and make your way through the world. These small jobs slipped through his fingers like so much fine sand. As innocent and as pure as he was from his poisoned guardianship, he was to fall into the trap.
A day, a week. Living from flat to flat, street to street. What to do to survive, what to do to get by.
Larry smoked his first sherm stick in June. By July, he was addicted to another world, none that anyone in his life prepared him for. One where anything goes, anything went. Get you high, get you by. The one constant of the street.
---
Don McCullough chose Psychology. Specialist in Drug Rehabilitation, assistant director in a local shelter/clinic.
A psychologist is a dime a dozen, but you can choose a good psychologist by seeing who has worked through their issues. All people who get into the field of psychology do it for selfish reasons; all have issues to deal with and solve. Those who actually confront theirs and resolve them as best they can are the only ones who can really assist those of us who cannot help ourselves. There are those who never confront and resolve their personal issues, and thus are only repeating pedagogy and protocol.
And never really help.
---
Swimming in a thick pink goop on the hot sidewalk, a pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans over his skinny ass; death would have welcomed this sorry addition to hell. Cisco and MD 2020 was a constant in this young man's life, but his greater purpose was for that sweet, sweet rock. The things he has done over the last five years; the near deaths, the homosexuality (sucking dick for crack was not funny nor fiction), giving up his closest friend in order to either score or to stay out of jail. Honor among thieves, maybe; honor among crackheads: Never.
Larry's dealers were few and far between now. Given the amount of money he has wasted away through his glass pipe, sucking on the glass dick; no dealer will touch this crackhead. Not enough money to score, not worth enough money to kill. A truly miserable existence, until Donnie came to town.
---
Don McCullough worked in a "wet" program. If a guy was okay to stay on a bed tonight, fine. If he has the Jones; into the wet tank they went. Don understood, and accepted that it was not legal, what they were doing at the Carter (what a joke, Jimmy and Ros) center, but some things had to be done to follow through and ensure the day by day well being of all these addicts. There were days the craving was so bad it was either just easier to give them what they wanted, or was more humane to quell their thirst. Don had a clue as what was actually happening.
Don didn't agree expressly with the mission of the wet drug clinic, but he went along with it. The social worker (never will be a psychologist, like Donnie) who ran the place was only interested in how many people she could pull off the street in a night, not in how many were actually cared for. This was not a priority of WestCare, to treat their clients, but rather to get through the mass, the absolute numbers on the street and get their funding.
This was not the way to do things.
---
Larry took the small baggie from Don.
"Now, you get out of here with that shit, Larry. I gave you enough to last a week. Go find your other spot and chill there while I help these other niggahs, ya dig?" Don stared intently into the young man's eyes.
"Sho' boss. You not gonna see mah fo' about at leas' three days! Tanks! You da' man, ya dig?" Larry could hardly contain his excitement at what his mentor had just done for him. A fat baggie full of crack would last him at least two or three days. More of the rock than he had seen at one time, and only this one man to thank. Oh, if this wasn't going to help him kick the habit, nothing would. This was it, time to hit it.
Back at the pad; an old construction site full of graffito and broken wood, Larry Welsh hit that glass dick again.
---
Donnie was a smart man. He watched the news. He paid attention to the news. He knew a noble cause when he saw one.
Don McCullough knew he hated what his government was becoming, saw how unclean it had become, how dirty its citizens were. Donnie could truly appreciate what those martyrs did in Olde London Towne, and understood even further what they used.
The acetone peroxide used to kill those unclean; the diseased.
The crystalline explosive, a danger to handle; worth it if you knew how to mix it.
His day is come.
---
Larry Welsh brought his old friend to his lips.
A sliver of yellow mellow was already in the bulb; Larry liked to twirl the junk around in his pipe before lighting it up. It reminded him of when he was new to the game, new and young. Playing in the sandbox they had called it.
The first time Larry snorted a rail of cocaine into his nostrils, be had made the usual mistake of blowing slightly on the mirror, and pushing the precious drug into disarray. Immediately he grabbed Sancho's ID card up, and began to realign the rail. Larry was lost in the shifting sands of his new playmate; moving it here, lining it up there: a true addict, rituals and everything.
One last twirl; the rock landed in the thin part of the bulb at the bottom. The Zippo lighter flicked on, and Larry watched the flame as it rose from his pant leg (he always did the trick) to his sweet release from this world into ignorance/oblivion.
Flash.
The explosion was sudden; the amount was small, but enough. The glass pipe (it used to be a canister for a vehicle deodorizer in a previous life) vaporized: microscopic shards of sand railed into Larry's eyes and face at thousands of feet per second, resulting in instant and permanent blindness. Slight fire ignited the dirty, greasy hair hanging down from his sallow, sloped head. Third degree burns were the order of the day; nothing do die from, and it was yet to be seen if anything would come of it besides the pain of an animal.
---
Donnie was pleased.
A rumor of a mad dealer circulated around the clinic<shelter/streets it was the same>and he knew it was benevolent.
The angel of the streets, the Jesus of the addicted.
Entry 1:
apollo88
BillsSBChamps
blank_mind
BLITZKREIG_BOB
Brdn_Nkd
BuckeyesTHEGAME
CaptainThorns
cnympho247
Dervel
egadz
ess-arr
Exodus
firefly
fudgepacker
gamma
Impassive-Digressive
intellismartness
joedaddy
justagirl27
krissi
loki
Merlina
MrSparkle847
notyou
olivia_tremor_control
polyamorousaj
rad1101
redraven
RyuFu
sg11588
Slovin
Snark
spedmonkey
Sphagnum
Stabkill
stevie_says
WillZone
32 eligible votes (37 total) *
Entry 2:
a_little_more_time
absolutes
Adamdidit2u
algermetiphist
Avals
Average_Dan
Awko
axisofjesus
Axolotl
badassmofo
bart
Bellebrown
Bizdorph
bob
BobLobla
c1ndy
checkyourmail
Chinaski
Circe
comicbookguy
COMountain
corn_nugget
Coyote
crazybutsolazy
Crystle
darko
Davros
Deidra
doctorj24
dodahdave
domenad
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
Frank_Grimes
FuckTheArmy
FunnyAsCancer
Genko
Hirilnara
hollygolitely
iddqd
Inanna
indigogecko
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
JonnyX
kai070169
Katastrofadark
kimmy02721
Kre8rix
LadyPlural
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
Method
MichaelJackson
Mike00295
mrwolf
munkeypants
Natsukau
nitty34
potatomanjack
Ragman
RandomJose
Razor
rollerboognish
salmonofdoubt
satchel
simple_catalyst
Siren
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Spuds002
Squijee
Stin
SullyThePirate
supadupapupa
supersloth
swamp_donkey
thecaes
ThineJericho
thorpe
TigerLilly
tlozoot
Viciousriffs
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m
wardy
Wiggles
William_Q_Percy
yermom
youarsoghey
zakalwe
76 eligible votes (93 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck did I win this?
I wrote this in 2 hours whilst completly drunk.
And its the first draft.
and has no point.
and you people have really low standards
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-22 02:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I still think my entry is a believable sequel.
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-20 18:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this long ago and could not decide until now... Argh. 1?
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was me.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo88 v. slovin
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rad1101 vs darko
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2005-07-19 00:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Only because I thought it used the title better. Number 2 was definately the better post but I think I missed where the title was, or for that matter the point behind it.
Pity this title was so constricting though.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-07-18 22:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number one had spelling errors.
How can someone who doesn't even know the difference between "their" and "there" get into this competition?
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't go against gremlins...
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Frank_Grimes (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gremlins rule
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1
Number 2 only because it had some thought put into it.
Wasn't keen on either.
-Dave
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't even finish Entry 2, yet I am still voting for it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ugh. Good thing my vote doesn't count. Neither of them deserve it.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither was terrific.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number one blow all kinds of ass, can someone be DQ'ed for that shit?
#2 was the better of the two for sure
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:26:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
I really must re-iterate how much #2 sucks compared to #1.
Sure #2 tries to take on a complex issue but it fails dramatically. The dialogue is shit, it doesn't have a real point or plot, the characters are not developed, and there are some sentences in there that just do not make any fucking sense.
#1 was the better entry, by far. It was amusing, charming, and was overall a much better piece of writing.
------------------------------------------------------
Are you kidding me? Sure number one reads like a cheesy horror movie,the authors intention no doubr, but number 2 is a masterpiece. Especially since the entire story is just a metaphor for how the world needs social reform unless we want a world wide revolution where the bottom class overthrows the uprerclass. And the picture at the end of 2 sealed it for me. It's obvious that it was placed there to remind us all of our own mortality and that at any second we could just explode unexpectedly.
Number 1 on the other hand was probably written by some person who hoped to cash in on a twenty year old movie. Though to the authors credit it reads like a believable sequel of the franchise.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 gets it just because 1 was a ripp off.
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really must re-iterate how much #2 sucks compared to #1.
Sure #2 tries to take on a complex issue but it fails dramatically. The dialogue is shit, it doesn't have a real point or plot, the characters are not developed, and there are some sentences in there that just do not make any fucking sense.
#1 was the better entry, by far. It was amusing, charming, and was overall a much better piece of writing.
Jesus christ I cannot believe how much this first round sucks a dick.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were kinda average.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked #2, real world.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh. Okay.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
both cool but entry two seemed to end very abruptly.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was shit.
Sorry, but a Gremlins ripoff can be nothing but shit.
2 was pretty good, until the animation.
BUt 1 was so bad, Electro wouls have won against it.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the idea of the first one, and I didn't enjoy the way I had to think to enjoy the second.
However when I did think the second was much ore powerful and graphic.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aliens are creepy
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:50:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
only voted for this one 'cos the dialogue in entry 2 made me physically cringe it was so poor.
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by axisofjesus (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Electro sucks a big autistic cock
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not sure what to think of either.
Gremlins????
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mayhap?
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-07-18 03:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh? Both mediocre stories full of errors. Oh well.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-07-18 01:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-18 01:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is another good match up - hard choice, although usuing gremlins as a base is too unoriginal.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-18 00:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-18 00:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I cannot vote for either of these because it is my wish that niether advance to the next round.
Here's why.
Number one:
It is amazing to me that proofreading isn't an essential part of any submission, or review for that matter. Does that sound egotistical to you? It's really not meant that way at all. As a matter of course, each entry should be proofread extensively before submission. Yours wasn't. Also, you would have gotten my vote if you had used an original character as your alien. It just seemed like a cheesy ripoff to me.
Number two:
Are you using the act of "sucking on the glass dick" as a metaphor for Blasting off? Or was it the explosion that was supposed to be the blast? Damned if I know. This entry was confusing to me. Others, who are undoubtedly much smarter than me may have gotten it, but I didn't. I also did not see how the little cartoon at the end had anything to do with the post. Not to mention that it brought back all sorts of bad feelings for me about space shuttle explosions and the like. The use of dialogue and ethnic language also confused me. I had a hard time deciphering whether the words were intentionally spelled that way or if they were horrendous typos.
I know I sound critical but goddamit I'm disappointed in these two entries.
All in all, I really didn't like either of these. As a matter of fact, I hated them both.
You can tell me to screw off, unfortunately I won't see the replies until after the voting is over.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-07-17 23:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-17 23:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But how did he know the flashlight would kill the aliens?? HOW???
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-17 22:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Muh, but... yeah.
Entry one, are you familiar with the workings of, say, the comma? Familiarize yourself with them.
Submitted by cnympho247 (user info) at 2005-07-17 22:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entry 1 - the picture topped it for me
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-17 22:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jesus.
Submitted by olivia_tremor_control (user info) at 2005-07-17 21:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-07-17 21:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I can't say that I liked either of these.... My childhood love of the Gremlins movies is all that secured this vote.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-17 20:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
"Never mind, it was the perfect perplexing cherry on top of the WTF sundae that this post was, start to finish."
gold.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 20:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:36:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice when people go for the less obvious storyline to accomodate the title.
---
I agree whole heartedly!
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-17 20:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was actually very good, not that it had any competition. I would vote for a blank post over a shitty rewrite of Gremlins.
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Neither were that good... but 1 was way better than 2.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was really hard to tell, but two was a little better written.
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-17 19:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither really struck me as great, but Entry 1 read as if it was written by an 8-year old.
Submitted by Inanna (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever did Entry 2 had Electro do the cartoon for them and as such should be DQed.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Darko v. Rad.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-17 18:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just voted for a sci-fi entry on the earlier post, but this one just seemed sloppy. the other was a better STORY.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Overrun with error, both posts. But the second was considerably more creative in the use of title.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Both of these sucked, but I had to go for the one that made me laugh even a little bit.
"Great, the fucking robot is malfunctioning he muttered to himself."
If someone actually said that outloud, I think I would piss myself.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well....after a second look #1, your lack of closed quotes, misuse of their/there....and
a litany of other grammatical errors killed an otherwise wonderful story and made it
difficult to read.
You still get, and got, my vote.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
# 2 was waaaaaay better. It's nice when people go for the less obvious storyline to accomodate the title.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two was a bit akward on the read, the first one was just two cheesy. Honsestly if it had been just a creature similar it would have been better. It seemed like a stretch.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-17 17:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry #2
Quite a few reasons influenced my vote for #1
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-17 16:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-17 16:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-17 16:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn I wish I had more constructive things to say.
Vote for #2.
#1 just didn't do anything for me, sorry.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-07-17 16:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-07-17 16:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-17 15:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 was too much like a shity sequal, but interesting in some parts. #2 was alright.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-17 15:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both were decent, but I enjoyed number 2.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-17 15:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-17 15:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2005-07-17 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even read entry #2.
Although #2 may be riddled with grammatical and spelling errors as well, halfway through #1 I wanted to gouge my eyes out.
Asses? Are you fucking shitting me??
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my God, Gremlins? You honestly couldn't think of anything better than Gremlins in Space. Tell me, were you also behind the amazing cinematic experience Jason X, where the fabled slasher randomly gets sent into space.
I read 2 sentences of #2, just to make sure it was coherent. Congrats to Author 2, it was.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
jebus saves, but he sells some bad shit. never buy from jebus.
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I voted for Gremlins, but those were both pretty rubbish.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man I am pissed off. The round one titles, I mean, I could have done some awesome shit, instead I get a BYE! @!%%Y@$%@$^$
#2 gets my vote.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The end felt rushed, but otherwise good.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
By that I mean THESE SUCKED BALLS!
You guys are teh suck. Suckmasters. HA
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
These weren't that bad.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-17 14:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
both of these sucked pretty hard, but Author One's story was interesting in that it started possibly okay, then you could actually monitor the suckage as the story progressed, until the end, when it had pegged the needle on the SuckMeter.
I mean, if you were to write a manual on "How to Write Sucky Posts", this fucker would be a case study in the textbook.
I'm gonna tell this to ALL of you reading out there - in UberMadness, spelling and grammar mistakes will SERIOUSLY detract from your score, they're not just suggestions for you to ignore.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
...
One more tip if you make it into the next round... avoid explaining too much to the reader.
-----------------------------
RUE: Resist the Urge to Explain!
Excellent advice. If you have to explain the concept in detail, then you haven't written it well enough.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a tough call, but in a very different way from "Do Not Respond."
I wasn't terribly enamored of either of these stories, but #2 was a little more interesting, I guess. A little all over the map, too.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could #1 be any more cliche?
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I guess gremlins...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
And what was with the random inner admission of the astronaught...
--
Considering what a shitheap #1 was, the above isn't a typo, it's simply THE perfect word.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-17 13:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 was excrement.
#2 was excellent.
Well done, #2, looking forward to more.
That makes two matches in a row where a good effort went up against garbage.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2, but it's the lesser of two sucks. Actually #2 wasn't terrible...the idea was pretty good, just needed tidying-up in the execution.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good job
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gremlins?
boo.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Very meh.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-07-17 12:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If this is par for Ubermadness, I have already won.
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummmm both were really wierd. Voted for #2 cause it was more of a surprise ending but the story was hard to read
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:24:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
"Never mind, it was the perfect perplexing cherry on top of the WTF sundae that this post was, start to finish."
Q, you deserve a +2 for that alone. Made me spit cereal all over my monitor.
You owe me $20 for cleaner.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the only reason I'm even reading these Ubermadness posts is to find Vermin's entry.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know if Author 1 has been told yet, but they ripped off his script and made a movie just like this in 1986.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Author 2 - You've got a lot to work on, my friend. Trying to comprehend your entry the first time through was about as fun and easy as it would be to rip my own fingernails off. What the hell were with the random accents? Were they from scottish negroes from the southern states? It's better off to avoid things like that all together unless they're done EXTREMELY WELL. It just makes things hard to read, otherwise.
It was also somewhat hard to keep track of the characters and what was going on, the breaks were sort of choppy and parts of the story felt unnecessary... But it sorted itself out in the end.
One more tip if you make it into the next round... avoid explaining too much to the reader. For example: "clinic<shelter/streets it was the same>". Explaining things explicitly like this has the effect of ripping the reader right out of the environment you've created for them in the story up to that point. It would be like turning on the lights in the movie theater and having the director explain to the audience why he chose a certain angle for the last scene. Save the job of interpretation to the reader and leave the commentary at the door. Placing it at the end especially will totally crash the entire experience at the worst time. It was also sort of bad form to reference the clinic for the first time at the very end. If you hadn't done that, you wouldn't even have to bother explaining yourself, avoiding the situation all together.
That being said... even all of those mistakes couldn't keep my vote from going to you. At least there was a thread of creativity and effort apparent. You just need to polish your skills.
Author 1 - Please don't try to wipe your ass with my brain like that ever again. The concept of the story was a rip off, although not totally plagarised, as you recognized the pop culture entity that is the gremlins within the story to a degree. As bad as that is, you didn't even do anyhting unique with the idea! This might as well have been the plot to a low grade comic book that came free with a purchase of the VHS tape "Gremlins 3: The Shitening" in 1987.
And what was with the random inner admission of the astronaught wanting to be a professional poker player at the end? Never mind, it was the perfect perplexing cherry on top of the WTF sundae that this post was, start to finish. Poor at best.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Ugh...GREMLINS? Begone.
2. Parallel storylines. I think I know who this is. Well written, but the twist seemed forced.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the strongest argument yet for a 'don't vote' button.
...or an electoral college to regulate who gets into this shenanigan contest.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No contest. I'm tempted to think that entry 1 was sarcastic.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the first actual good UberMadness submission.
Good job you two.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the twist in the first one, but I liked the detail in the second one. This was the first tough call for me.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the premise in number 2, but the execution seemed flawed. Still it was more of an artsy story than number 1 and I like when erything isn't just handed to the reader. Go number 2, you will go far in this tournament if you can just work out the kinks.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both cool. I liked 2 a bit better.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-17 11:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAR WATER AND TEH FOD AFTER MIDNIGHT!@!!!!!