Join us! Bipedal Power, Bipedal Power! (1109 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Forensic Girl (View user info) at 2005-07-18 04:28:26 EDT
At the outset let me just say that I was all for peaceful coexistence, because after all we are all God's Chilluns. There are limits however, and I found mine.
It started innocuously enough; I had just returned home from work and started doing this and that around the apartment. Turn on computer, turn on T.V., give the cat a treat, grab a glass of water, sit down, check e-mail, answer e-mail, randomly terrorize someone online. Check.
I needed something from my bedroom so I went to get it and that's when I met Spindly Joe. I walked over to my nightstand to look for the book I was after.
"'Sup?"
I startled and looked up; Joe was hanging by a six inch fiber extending from an ornate (rather too ornate for practical purposes) web in the corner above my nightstand and uncomfortably close overhead above my bed. He had the fiber swinging back and forth.
Uck, I thought. I darted out of my bedroom and went to get my poof-poof telescopic handled duster thingy. I'm not 'girly' about insects by any means, I was quite fond of them as a child but I have a fear of them dropping on me when I'm sleeping and wrapping me up like a burrito. I returned to the bedroom with my weapon.
"Sorry spider dude, but you have to go." As I started to poke the duster at my intruder, Spindly Joe lost his shit.
"YEH, I SEE HOW ID IS! I SEE HOW ID IS! YOU A SPECIEST! YOU THINK YOU BETTAH DAN ME! I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! YOU CAIN'T TELL ME TA LEAVE! YOU BETTAH BACK OFF HUMAN BEOTCH OR YOU GETS CUT!"
"Whoa, whoa! Calm down! I didn't know you could talk."
"YEH COZ YOU'S SPECIEST!" Joe was having such a fit that his web was quivering all over.
"Where did you come from? You weren't here this morning."
"I jus moved in 'bout four hour 'go." Joe calmed down a little.
"What's your name? I'm Bonnie."
"Spindly Joe. You kin jus call me Joe 'dough."
"Well Joe, I guess what you're telling me is that you intend to stay. I suppose that's no problem, but can I get you to relocate out of my bedroom?"
"Why?"
"Because it's my bedroom, I sleep here. I have lots of other corners in my apartment, take one of them."
"Why I gots ta move?!" Joe's web started quivering again.
"Because."
"Coz why?!"
"Because it's my name on the lease, that's why."
"UH HUH! UH HUH! YEH, SEE I KNEW YOUS GONNA BE LIKE DIS! HUMAN BEOTCH PUSHIN' A BROTHA 'ROUND COZ HER NAME ON DA LEASE. I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE! IT BOTHER YOU, YOU MOVE!"
So I did. This is how it starts you see, you give the spiders an inch, and you can better believe they'll take a mile. I thought that it wasn't that big of a deal. I fall asleep on my couch all the time and am perfectly comfortable. Besides, he'll move on eventually and things will get back to normal.
Wrong.
The next morning I went into my bedroom to get some clothes. I glanced warily over at Joe's home. There were now two spiders on the web.
"Joe, who's this?" I asked with exasperation.
"YOU AIN'T GOTS TO WORRY WHO I AM BEOTCH!"
"Yeh, dis heah my baby's momma."
"DATS RIGHT! JOE'S BEEN SAYIN' YOUS SPECIEST AND YOUS REAL DAMN BOSSY TOO. BETTAH NOT TRY NONE DAT WIFF ME!"
Well, I have officially screwed myself, I concluded. I should have just knocked him out of his web and squished him when I had a chance but in my intent to live and let live, I gave up control.
It went downhill after that. Joe and his old lady began having parties and playing their gangsta rap too loud. Neither my cat nor I could sleep from all the noise. In the mornings there were a dozen or so spiders hanging around, sleeping off their hangovers. Stubbed out blunts and 40 ounces littered the floor and spider graffiti tags now decorated my walls. I kept lying to myself, telling myself they'll move. They tend to move a lot, right?
I came home one night and my cat was waiting for me at the door. She didn't look happy.
"You and I need to have a talk."
<Boom Boom Boomity Boom> thumped Sneak Spinn's rap coming from another room. This time, it originated from the kitchen.
"WHAT?" I yelled. My cat motioned that I should follow her. As we walked into the kitchen, I noticed a lot of activity coming from her water bowl. I looked in and there were dozens of spiders swimming in her bowl, diving from the countertops, and flooding the floor.
"DAMMIT JOE! WHERE ARE YOU?!"
"WHAT?" yelled Joe.
"WHERE ARE YOU? I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU."
"WHAT WHAT?!" Joe yelled again.
"JOE, TURN THE GODDAMNED MUSIC OFF FOR ONE HOT SECOND!"
It fell silent. Joe crawled over towards me on the countertop. Three or four of his friends followed him as backup.
"Joe, what the hell?! You can't swim in my cat's water bowl. She drinks out of that!"
"We ain't hurtin' nuttin. She kin have it when we done."
"Joe, you're not hearing me. She drinks out of that. She can't drink out of it after dozen of spiders have swum in it. That's unsanitary. And who are all these spiders anyway?!"
"Dis my whole family. The project they wuz living in kick dem out. I tolds dem day could stay heah."
"Joe......"
"What?! Whacho goin' do 'bout it?"
I left the kitchen and one of the spiders fired up the music again. I plopped down on my couch to think. My cat jumped up next to me.
"You've got a problem." she said.
"Yeah, I know."
"You have to fix this. Now."
"I know that."
"You want to know something else? You are being a real pussy and coming from me, that's saying something! Now fix this! Screw tolerance!"
In one epiphanal moment, I realized that she was 100% correct. I was responsible for this predicament, compromising her and mine's rights all for 'keeping the peace.' Who the hell did they think they were? There were spiders all over my apartment. My friends had stopped coming over. I was constantly picking up drug paraphernalia and liquor bottles. There were cobwebs everywhere. They had run the property value down. Not to mention the whole apartment stank.
It ends now.
While the spiders were still swimming in the kitchen, I grabbed my Doc Martens knee high combat boots and my ankle length black leather coat. I shaved my head bald. I adopted a wild look in my eye. I goose stepped over to my neighbor's and beat on the door. A nervous face appeared in the crack.
"Give me your Raid." I demanded. My neighbor tossed a can out of the door and quickly shut and locked the door. As I stood in the breezeway, feeling many eyes from peepholes on me, I raised my fist in the air and shouted;
BIPEDAL POWER! BIPEDAL POWER! THE SPECIES HOLY WAR HAS BEGUN!"
I kicked my door in and stomped towards the kitchen with the can of Raid cocked and ready. As I burst into the kitchen, I stomped on the boom box, silencing the room. The spiders were too shocked to speak. A pregnant silence hung in the air for a moment before I aimed the can.
"RAID! ARACHNID SCUM, RAID! BIPEDAL POWER! BIPEDAL POWER!"
I pressed the button and a stream of poison shot out and wiped out six spiders instantly, including Spindly Joe. It was glorious, brothers and sisters, glorious! The remaining spiders began to scream and scatter. In a smooth, fluid motion, I continued to spray, sweeping the can from side to side. They tried to escape but every last one of that spider scum perished from the insect nerve toxin. Soon after it started, it was over. My can of Raid was empty and I stood among dozens of dead spiders, reveling in victory. My cat had been watching from the other room and now nodded her approval at me. We took a moment to pat ourselves on the back. She tattooed a spider, upside down and curled up in death, on my neck. I did the same for her. We were brethren.
We salvaged Spindly Joe's corpse and preserved him in epoxy. He now hangs on the outside of our apartment door...................as a warning to the others.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-24 18:10:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow. This was long. For a story about a spider.
Clean your goddamn house.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-24 18:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2005-07-24 17:54:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
I could not hate this more. The idea of some blonde white girl immatating ghetto speak while at the same time writing an analogy of urban intolerance makes me wanna vomit. Im not even political and shit. Stick with posting pictures of yourself with "modest" titles.
weak
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ALTER
ALTER
ALTER
ALTER
ALTER
Submitted by gina (user info) at 2005-07-24 17:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could not hate this more. The idea of some blonde white girl immatating ghetto speak while at the same time writing an analogy of urban intolerance makes me wanna vomit. Im not even political and shit. Stick with posting pictures of yourself with "modest" titles.
weak
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And now I've read it. Have another.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have not read this post. But this +2 is for this Tank Girl reference:
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-20 00:53:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooooh! I'm sooooo pretty! I'm gonna hit you so hard, your grandchildren will be born bruised!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-20 21:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I get a personal invite to eat your snatch, I'll +2 this.
If not- you pay the consequences.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I get you! Nope, haven't been to the body farm. A bloody crime scene, but no body farm.
Although that does sound fascinating AND fun! Thanks for the idea, I'll start inquiring around to see if I can find one that will let me come and observe.
I actually considered doing a post about one of the autopsies I observed. The body had been underwater for three weeks.......eyewwwww! I will never, as long as I live, forget that smell.
Think they would like that?
heh heh
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, while that sort of stuff is as fascinating as my spelling is bad; I was curious if you went to the actual body farm.
It's a place where they take people that donated their bodies to science, and throw them in a forested area. The then take students out to investigate, and approximate by the level of decay when the body was dumped.
I was curious if you went to something like that.
The psych behind stuff like that is also fascinating. Are you going to turn into one of those crazy former FBI profilers that doesn't let their kids go outside to play out of paranoia of a serial killer grabbing them? I hope not.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-19 20:50:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to have a good grasp on what exactly Uber likes to read. Your posts are getting better every time.
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Thanks, Babe! For my encore, I shall make a post that is;
arrogant: boasting of my looks, skills at whatever, sexual prowess, the amount of money I make, and how I manipulated some man into having sex with me and then how I treated him like the slut he is and embarrassed him in front of the entire world. Then laugh as I recount how he committed suicide shortly after.
attention seeking: 'nuff said there.
elitist: ignore any n00b who comments on my post.
whacked out political/bigoted: I will espouse my political viewpoint and call anyone who disagrees with me 'stupid.'
cock fighting: I will whip out my metaphorical johnson and proceed to pick a fight with no less than three other people.
porn: I shall also post gratuitous porn. no less than 10 close-ups of money shots. maybe I'll even add a 'har har peener' to the mix.
and....
I shall do it all in one post!!!
I'm kidding! Actually Donovan, I'm still befuddled at what makes for a good post. I thought this post was utter shite. Some of the posts I read (from other people) that I think are fabulous are largely ignored.
Weird
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-19 20:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem to have a good grasp on what exactly Uber likes to read. Your posts are getting better every time.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is Awesome.
Vive La Revolucian!!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:55:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:58:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about forensicgirl3
User id: 15236
Registered on or around: 2005-01-04 22:07:32
# Messages posted: 22
# Reviews written: 1172
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 719
# Hits: 15360
Average rating of all messages: 1.52
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Yay! My hits have now passed my user id!! One milestone reached in the loosing n00b status journey.
________________
Baby, you're so hot you could post the phone book and still get a positive ranking...you should try that, actually.
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So, the reason I haven't had a negative ranked post since March is because im a hottie?
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It's a burden, isn't Rad?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh, one other thing, if I end up doing a post like that, I'm going to need help with the grapics. I figure I would have to do it with a lot of graphics. I can do simple stuff but not like some of the grapic posts around here. I never learned stuff like photoshop because, well, I never had a reason to.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:36:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell if I'm going to break the seal on this.
Say, I've been meaning to ask you this. Have you ever been to a body farm? If you have, you should write about that, I'd give you at least ten +2's just to learn about it.
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I've observed some autopsies. The "forensic" of my name refers to my studying forensic psychology. However, I'm also a health care worker which is where a lot of the creepy body stuff comes from.
I could do a post about it. See, it's so commonplace for me I wouldn't know where to begin. Like what do you want to know about specifically? This would give me an idea. Like how when they remove a brain during autopsy the saw off the top of the skull? Stuff like that? Or how when rigor starts setting in, a corpse can moan and groan and twitch?
Stuff like that?
yes?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:58:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about forensicgirl3
User id: 15236
Registered on or around: 2005-01-04 22:07:32
# Messages posted: 22
# Reviews written: 1172
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 719
# Hits: 15360
Average rating of all messages: 1.52
---------------------
Yay! My hits have now passed my user id!! One milestone reached in the loosing n00b status journey.
________________
Baby, you're so hot you could post the phone book and still get a positive ranking...you should try that, actually.
--------
So, the reason I haven't had a negative ranked post since March is because im a hottie?
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell if I'm going to break the seal on this.
Say, I've been meaning to ask you this. Have you ever been to a body farm? If you have, you should write about that, I'd give you at least ten +2's just to learn about it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:58:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about forensicgirl3
User id: 15236
Registered on or around: 2005-01-04 22:07:32
# Messages posted: 22
# Reviews written: 1172
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 719
# Hits: 15360
Average rating of all messages: 1.52
---------------------
Yay! My hits have now passed my user id!! One milestone reached in the loosing n00b status journey.
________________
Baby, you're so hot you could post the phone book and still get a positive ranking...you should try that, actually.
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well, I'm planning something soon that will put that to the test. It's rather a big project and I can only work on it in bits here and there.
muwhahahahaha
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awsome! you are awesome. B@W
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about forensicgirl3
User id: 15236
Registered on or around: 2005-01-04 22:07:32
# Messages posted: 22
# Reviews written: 1172
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 719
# Hits: 15360
Average rating of all messages: 1.52
---------------------
Yay! My hits have now passed my user id!! One milestone reached in the loosing n00b status journey.
________________
Baby, you're so hot you could post the phone book and still get a positive ranking...you should try that, actually.
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. I liked this.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71000
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"While the spiders were still swimming in the kitchen, I grabbed my Doc Martens knee high combat boots and my ankle length black leather coat. I shaved my head bald. I adopted a wild look in my eye."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
Sort of scared me!
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aqua Teen Referance?
Awesome, simply awesome...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about forensicgirl3
User id: 15236
Registered on or around: 2005-01-04 22:07:32
# Messages posted: 22
# Reviews written: 1172
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 719
# Hits: 15360
Average rating of all messages: 1.52
---------------------
Yay! My hits have now passed my user id!! One milestone reached in the loosing n00b status journey.
I'm not speciest really! I have lots of spider friends.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When Charlotte's Web meets American History X/The Matrix(?). Beautiful.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you um go girl.
nice
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got stuck under a bridge on my buddies boat waiting out a rain storm, looked up to see LOTS of creepy spiders.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*standing ovation*
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanna come over and attack the colony of bean-sized ants living under the refrigerator?
We could maybe finally figure out what happened to the exterminator....
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu inhaled, didn't you?
DIDN'T YOU???
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by XenoWolf (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CockOTheNorth (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:45:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:55:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:37:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever see a mouse I am going to stand on a stool holding my skirt above my knees screeching.
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Make sure you have a brom handy.
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A 'brom'? a suicide brom?
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Fuck, I suck at spelling
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Over here we have spiders that eat birds.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate dem ghetto spidies.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:55:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:37:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever see a mouse I am going to stand on a stool holding my skirt above my knees screeching.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make sure you have a brom handy.
------------------------------
A 'brom'? a suicide brom?
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! You sure you didn't huff a bit of that raid?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You gave your pussy a treat? I bet you did....
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-18 05:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:35:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
2 LEGS GOOD
8 LEGS BAD
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Baaaaaaa!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:37:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever see a mouse I am going to stand on a stool holding my skirt above my knees screeching.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make sure you have a brom handy.
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW! I thought I was on some strong drugs...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I ever see a mouse I am going to stand on a stool holding my skirt above my knees screeching.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yo, man, 'dis human turf. See dat tag? Best keep movin'; ma cousin's brother's baby sister Tracy said dat 'ho who live 'dere be FUCKED up, holmes."
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-18 04:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 LEGS GOOD
8 LEGS BAD