If this is all there is, if this is it, won't someone tell me? (645 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A-Daamage (View user info) at 2005-07-18 04:49:27 EDT
How do you tell someone that you know what you're doing.... and you're lost? How do you tell someone you understand something that you've never experienced before? How do you find the will to live when the meaning of doing so escapes you? I ask myself these questions because I don't know the answers, but they all pertain to me. I am in constant duality with myself. Each day I live I feel I should be getting closer to some sort of answer or truth and each day I feel more out to sea. Do any of us really know what we're doing or are we simply going through the motions of what we feel we should be doing to satisfy our sanity or sense of purpose?
I miss the sensation of feeling a brisk October wind for the first time against my cheek. I miss the soft velvet touch of the most beautiful lips I've ever kissed, responding to my movements with a passion I scarcely believed existed. I miss being small enough to run under the kitchen table without smacking my forehead against the edge. I miss looking out into the faces of the audience for the first time and feeling that high you can only get from performing on stage. I miss staying up into the wee hours of the morning, watching MST3K with friends and drinking beer, laughing so hard my stomach turned to knots. I miss staring out the window of my babysitter's apartment, literally long enough to watch the clouds change form, playing out a hundred fantasies in my toddler's brain. I miss getting stuck writing a song, showing how far I had gotten to my friend, only to have him instantly produce the exact riff or melody that I couldn't think of. I miss the exact same thing happening vice versa to him. I miss coming home after first grade class let out, being greeted by Sam, that gorgeous black-haired cocker spaniel we used to have, grabbing a can of Mountain Dew and a can of Planter's cheese balls and plopping down on the couch to watch He-Man and the Transformers. I miss playing ditch with all the neighborhood kids after supper as the setting sun stained the sky a thousand colors. I miss that boy I left behind when I was thrust out of youth against my will. I miss the simplicity of not having a schedule. I miss not having to care. I miss curling up on the couch with you in my arms, watching some movie we barely paid attention to because when we held each other, nothing else really mattered. I miss you. You saved me and I miss you.
I've learned far more than I ever imagined I could. And yet, the more I learn, the more confused and distraught I become. What is the point of all this learning if it only leads me further into the maze? What if all this learning leads me to the conclusion that the maze has no end? What if that's the point of life? What if the point of life is to realize there is no answer? What if there is only the question? And through all of this - this confusion, this distress, this circle - I can think of all those things I miss, because at one time they healed me, and I can wait for that time when perhaps another moment like those will occur. It is not hope I speak of. I abandoned that thief. But I can wait, because I remember contentment and I miss it. And you. Most of all I miss you.
There is no guarantee, but if it comes and once again I can be healed, no matter how fleeting the moment, I will embrace it as I always have: with complete vulnerability.
"What if we've changed? What if we're finished here? Can we be saved? Does anybody even care? So many dream, so many make the grade. So many fail, so many fade away. But it's quiet now, quiet now, 'cause it's the end of the world." - Planet Rain, Devin Townsend
User Reviews
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:23:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like those nights when it gets so late that you can have a meaningless conversation and laugh for minutes on end at absolutely nothing. I miss those too.
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I did that last Sunday. It was fabulous.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-02 14:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, memories. To add to a now defunt convo, "shitstorm", personal favorite. You understand.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-07-22 21:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry again for the shameless whoring of linkage, Ruth.
Hey, E, been a while. If you're referring to Alien, holy shit that album knocked me on my ass. Skeksis is probably my favorite song at the moment from that album. And holy twitching crackbabies, that 20-second shriek in the middle of Shine sent goosebumps racing along my epidermis. I still think City is their shining moment, but Alien has my vote for album of the year. Devin is a freak, in the coolest way possible.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-07-22 19:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post my friend. Sort of reminds me of the sentiment of my Ubermadness post that bombed so badly. Wrong forum I guess. I did finally check out that last Strapping Young Lad CD...definitely different stuff. My buddy has a DVD too. Gene sounds so mechanical...kind of reminds me of like New Age Black Metal Fear factory or something.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:23:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I like those nights when it gets so late that you can have a meaningless conversation and laugh for minutes on end at absolutely nothing. I miss those too.
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Me too.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-07-19 00:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:51:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember that last day of each grade in grade school? Everything was finished, you looked forward to another childhood summer before you'd advance to the next grade, and the only thing you had to do that day was clean your desk and turn in your books. That one day in limbo- the decorated halls now unfimiliar brick, the halls echoing with unfamilar silence... those were great days. Thank you for reminding me.
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Exactly. It's those moments that echo through your mind forever; the ones that are so important that you don't realize their full impact on you until they're unearthed from the sedimentary layers of your mind by some smell or sound or sight. I miss those times when I don't realize how important something is until it's a distant memory.
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember that last day of each grade in grade school? Everything was finished, you looked forward to another childhood summer before you'd advance to the next grade, and the only thing you had to do that day was clean your desk and turn in your books. That one day in limbo- the decorated halls now unfimiliar brick, the halls echoing with unfamilar silence... those were great days. Thank you for reminding me.
Submitted by Dizzle (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And whats next after your satisfied with the answers to these questions... more questions or nothing, or maybe you will lose what makes you happy now... its that never ending rabbit hole... how deep do you want to go...
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss being picked up in the arms of my parents/grandparents.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss cheap gas.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The point of life is death
See--> http://www.ubersite.com/m/59994
I think we are supposed to learn stuff before we get there. You seem to be doing well with that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds to me as if you already know the answer to your question. Still, the answers are always easy. It's phrasing them that's the tricky part.
Give it ten, fifteen more years. That's my plan anyway.
Submitted by IntangibleHands (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone feels this way, just not everyone can write about it so well.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you will never find the answers. theres a lot more pain to come.
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like those nights when it gets so late that you can have a meaningless conversation and laugh for minutes on end at absolutely nothing. I miss those too.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I can't sleep either and shit like this gets to me when I can't sleep.