Lifted (1261 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.65 on 137 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-18 06:10:02 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
You know those tough guys in movies that still look badass with a gun down their throat? Yeh, they don't fuckin exist.Filly was standing over me and he wasn't yelling or any of that shit. That's what was so scary. The pistol kinda grinded between
my teeth and i whimpered like a bitch. When the tip of the gun touched the back of my throat, I gagged and, I
ain't gonna lie, lost a little bowel control right there.
I tried to say something, anything, but Filly just shook his head, sadly, and I knew it was over.
Weird. I wasn't that emotional about it.
There was no big final speech, no Oscar worthy performance, no huge-ass storm outside to make it more dramatic. Just two guys
in a warehouse, one kneeling and the other standing. One getting their brains blown out the back of their head. Me.
Which brings me to here.
I don't remember the actual shot, just a huge flash, then the feeling of being lifted like all these little hooks grabbed hold of my shoulders.
It was like i kind of expanded, it's hard to describe, you know? The warehouse fell away below me and at the same time everything kinda
distorted. I felt movement, inside and out then... well, you tell me.
I was sitting in a waiting room. Dusty wooden panelling covered the walls and a huge oak desk stood vacant in front of me. My mind was buzzing,
whirring as i tried to figure out how i had gotten here. My mind started to come together and i remembered what i had seen last. Filly's big, sad eyes.
A young man in glasses emerged from the wall, which turned out to be a door built discreetly into the woodwork. He was carrying a huge stack of papers
and had huge dark bags under his eyes. His thin frame was twisted with exhaustion under what was once a splendid business suit.
"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry!" he said, throwing me an apologetic smile, "But you're just going to have to wait a moment. The tsunami and the data logging have just made it absolute chaos around here, we're terribly understaffed as it is."
"Hey buddy," I croak, my voice raspy as if i haven't used it in a while, "Where am i?"
The man pulled out a big stamp and started stamping the forms in front of him. He pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose and said distractedly,
"Oh, Purgatory."
He sniffed. I didn't move.
"Huh?" I said.
"You became deceased, recently, no? You've come here for processing before we decide your fate. Actually, while I'm on the subject, could you fill out these identity forms?"
He gestured towards a small booklet sitting next to me. I hadn't noticed it before.
"I'm dead?" I asked, my mind empty.
"Well," he gave a nervous laugh, "I certainly hope so! Otherwise you shouldn't be here."
"I'm dead." I repeated, strangely not feeling that overwhelmed by the whole thing. So, Filly did it.
"I expected the afterlife to be a little more glamourous..." i said, fidgeting.
He gave another nervous chuckle,
"Well, once we get past this routine stuff it will be."
He placed a final stamp heavily on the last sheet and sat back in his chair, relaxation creeping onto his features.
"There. So, how did you die?"
I grimaced "I'd rather not talk about it, it was kinda personal."
"Ahhh, fine, fine. Anyway, as I was saying, you couldn't have died at a worse time. We were just moving all our hardcopy records
onto the computer, over 11 Billion deaths, resurrections and reincarnations, when the tsunami hit. Suddenly, the waiting area is full of terrified Indonesians
and some idiot in Processing has lost the translated copy of the forms. As a result, we're backlogged about three weeks and most of the tsunami victims are just camping around the Central Bureaucracy. They have no-where else to go!"
"Yeh, sounds rough," I said, not really comprehending. "So, how does this whole thing work?"
The man leant forward over his desk and pointed towards the booklet i was holding, still unopened.
"Well, you fill in all your details there. Race, religion, stuff like that, and we tailor an existence that is most suited to your experience and beliefs. That way, everybody gets what they want."
"What if you're an Atheist?" i said, a nervous pang leaping through me.
"No problem. Just make an afterlife that suits you. It doesn't have to be consistent with what you believe. Have fun, be creative!"
"Be creative" i said, exhaling.
I glance down at the form, the first question, "State, in 25 words or less, how you came about the cessation of your original existence."
"Gee, who writes this thing?" I asked.
"The Christian God, I think" said the man, "He's always been a bit verbose."
"Yeh, right" i said, shaking my head.
I start to fill in the details, including an attached "Purgatory Customer Satisfaction" sheet that had questions like "On a scale of 1 to 5, one being the most proffessionally and five being the least, how did you feel your death was handled?"
I was about halfway through when a woman poked her head through the doorway.
"Terri" she said, "Al-Qaeda's been at it again. We're gonna need you to come and help sort out some English people."
The man wiped his hands through his hair, his features sagging under the new strain.
"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE." he groaned, "I'm getting bloody sick of this. Tell you what, where's that Cardinal's outfit i wore to the halloween party? It's time to play a little practical joke on these suicide bombing lunatics."
Terri stood up, "Welcome to Catholic Heaven" he said in a mock, deep voice. "You are now officially fucked, no virgins for you!"
The woman laughed, "And get some sleep!" she said, closing the door.
Terri moved towards the door and then stopped, as if remembering me being there.
"Look, this is gonna sound really weird, but would it be OK with you if we, uhh, just did this another time?"
"What do you mean?" i said, shifting uneasily. The idea of spending weeks hanging around purgatory didn't appeal.
"Well, if I could get you sent back to Original Existence, maybe you could just die a little later, when we don't have so much to do."
My mouth fell open. "Like, go back to my old life?"
"It would be SO helpful." he said, throwing me a pained smile.
"Sure." I said.
The room went black and a massive wave of pain slammed into the side of my head. Shrieking sounds filled my ears and i found myself horizontal.
When i tried to sit up, strong hands pulled me down and a voice said,
"Can you believe this guy's still alive? Half his fuckin head's missing! Let's get him into that ambulance. Shit, he's still conscious, I need 50cc's of Sodium Pentathol and tell ER they got a fresh one on his way. Shit, man, this is a fucking miracle."
I was lifted up before I heard doors slamming and sirens wailing above me. A miracle? I just managed an ironic smile before cold darkness came and i was swept away.
- VS -
Entry 2
"Hold the lift! Hold the lift!"The stranger inside the elevator held out his elaborately adorned walking stick - obviously meant more for show than for actual utility - in order to prevent the lift doors from closing.
"Going up?" He asked with a slight smile on his face, which James failed to find at all inviting at the moment. He entered the lift wordlessly, his clothes a mess and his face bearing an expression of sheer misery. The lift doors closed, and it began slowly ascending to the higher floors of the hospital.
"If you don't mind me asking, is everything alright?" The stranger seemed genuinely concerned, but at the same time his voice grated on James's frayed nerves.
"I'll manage." James responded testily. "And I do mind you asking."
"I beg your pardon. You just seem rather upset."
James continued to stare silently at the floor indicators, which seemed to be changing much more slowly than usual. A few moments went by in silence.
"He's dead." James figured he needed to tell it to someone before he faced his wife, who was waiting on the sixth floor of the hospital.
"Your son?" The stranger asked quietly.
"Yeah. I just got the call twenty minutes ago."
"I'm sorry." The stranger's tone of voice seemed to strangely resonate with the way James felt.
"I'm Morgen, by the way. Morgen Stern."
James turned his head to look at the man next to him. Mr. Stern had a thick beard that culminated in a slightly pointed edge. Five longish fingers, each ending in a carefully manicured long fingernail, gripped firmly at his intricately designed walking stick.
"James."
Stern gazed downwards momentarily. "How did it happen?"
"Drunk driver ran a red light and sideswiped him. The prick came out with only a couple of stitches."
"It's a raw deal, the way those kinds of people always seem to come out on top. That guy should be dead." Stern sounded as angry as James was himself.
"Yes. Yes, he should be."
"Tell me, are you a religious man, James?"
"Moderately." James pondered the fact that he probably wouldn't be attending church after today.
Stern seemed lost in thought for a brief moment. "Myself, I don't talk to God anymore for exactly that reason. He's not very good with doing justice, is he?"
"No, I suppose he isn't."
"I've got some experience in the field," Stern added, "and I'm afraid the courts probably won't give that man the punishment he deserves, either." He paused momentarily.
"The way I see it, if you want justice done, you have to do it yourself."
"Oh I've thought about it." James responded. "I'd do anything to get my hands on that guy. To ... to make sure he knew what he'd done to my son; but they wouldn't even give me his name."
"I can help you get even." Stern offered.
"For a price."
"You can? How?" James was unable to hold back, and he was now yelling.
"Whatever it takes! However much you want! Just give me five minutes with that guy! Let me get him for what he's done to my son!"
"I'm not certain you have carefully considered what you are saying." Stern warned.
"My son deserves justice! Name your price!" James cried out.
Stern looked James up and down carefully.
"Your soul." The man in front of him growled as much as said.
James recoiled, though he couldn't tell whether it was in surprise or in terror. "My soul?"
"Your soul." Stern repeated. "You have disowned God anyway; he will not save your soul. Is it not a small enough price to pay for justice?"
James looked with fear at the man standing in front of him, for a moment debating his next move.
"But justice will be done?"
Stern smiled, revealing a long row of white, razor sharp teeth, and gave a single nod.
"Give me your hand." He commanded.
James held out his hand, and Stern shook it.
"You have made a deal with Mephistopheles." He hissed. "The deal is binding. Remember that name, for I will give you what you desire most, and in due time, I will also come to collect what is mine."
One of his fingernails nicked James's hand, and a single drop of blood dripped down and hit the Devil's walking stick, sliding down the contours of its lavishly ornamented surface. The elevator lurched up with a jolt, and lifted them both upwards at an incredible speed until coming to a sudden halt on the floor to which James was headed. He stumbled outside, and turned to look at the elevator's doors as the lift made its way down to the hospital's basement floor. In the distance a sudden scream could be heard, as if a thousand tormented souls cried out at once, and then silence again.
Entry 1:
a_little_more_time
absolutes
Adamdidit2u
Ainkara
algermetiphist
apollo88
Average_Dan
Awko
axisofjesus
Axolotl
bigbabylons
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
chemokenny
Circe
comicbookguy
corn_nugget
crazybutsolazy
Crystle
darko
Davros
doctorj24
dodahdave
ess-arr
Frank_Grimes
fudgepacker
gamma
HadToBeDone
hinschn
Hirilnara
Impassive-Digressive
indigogecko
indoninja
intellismartness
jack11058
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
JonnyX
justagirl27
Katastrofadark
Kimba
Kre8rix
krissi
lordofduct
Magicaddict
MANICMOTHER
mbstateside
Method
MichaelJackson
Mike00295
mrwolf
Natsukau
nicole420
nitty34
notyou
nrduncan
Phallic_Cymbals
potatomanjack
Professional_Peon
rad1101
Ragman
RandomJose
Razor
redraven
rollerboognish
RyuFu
sheckynecky
Siren
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
spedmonkey
Spuds002
stevie_says
Stin
supersloth
Teephphah
thorpe
TigerLilly
TW
Viciousriffs
Vulva
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m
Wiggles
WildcatMcGee
William_Q_Percy
williamson
WillZone
wlmk06
Yams
zakalwe
71 eligible votes (95 total) *
Entry 2:
Avals
badassmofo
Bigmike
BillsSBChamps
Bizdorph
blank_mind
BobLobla
Brdn_Nkd
BuckeyesTHEGAME
Chinaski
Coyote
Deidra
Dervel
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
Duke_Diggler
egadz
Exodus
FunnyAsCancer
iddqd
kimmy02721
LadyPlural
loki
MandaPanda
mcd
Merlina
MrSparkle847
munkeypants
OnEdge
sg11588
Slovin
Snark
Stabkill
swamp_donkey
tammy
tlozoot
yermom
youarsoghey
35 eligible votes (38 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-21 00:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mcd (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-19 21:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Even in Purgatory, civil servants suck.
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by hinschn (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by redraven (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess I'm voting for iddqd. Unless someone else doesn't care enough to spellcheck or bother capitalizing the letter "i" routinely. I thought you were over that shit man.
Anyway, spelling and syntax asside, story #1 was less contrived or cliched (even though I thought I was watching "Beetlejuice" for half of it).
Author #2, you still did a good job, but as much as it pains me to say it in Round 1, your story needed to be longer. It all happened to quickly. You needed to build the anguish of the father more fully and reveal Mephistopholes (sp) a little more lazily. These are major plot points in your story, and they happen within a few short lines of dialogue.
Still, both were better than whatever hack-kneed piece of crap I submitted.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number 2 was half way there, and then they decided to just stop.
Submitted by sheckynecky (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-07-19 04:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny how both were similar. Both were decent ideas but the second gets it for execution and some attempt at proof-reading.
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2005-07-19 00:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number 1: Interesting way of incorporating real life events into a post. And well written anyway.
Number 2: Decent, but a little unoriginal, and didn't really fit the title.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both of these were good...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lower case I's. Hate em when they stand on their own.
Please pay attention to what you are submitting people. I might submit the most cliche piece of tripe you have ever read, but it will be gramatically correct and the words will be spelled properly.
I really didn't care too much for number two either but it was written better and I think that this author deserves to move on out of this matchup.
What a great title. I thought of a killer story for this.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-07-18 22:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both pretty god, but number two was a bit better.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-18 22:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked 2, it was a decent story. 1 was weak.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-18 21:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the comments almost make it worth wading through these things
I think it's time for loki to take a break now though.
starting to vote ramdomly
Say if anyone has a death count going, I think this one will get it jump started.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't particularly like #1, because who wants to get resurrected with half a head? but #2 was too cliched. basically, it was the same old story, with nothing new except the use of mephistopheles rather than Mr B Deviled.
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
both were good but 2 should have went for a lilttle longer. It had me at the edge of my seat.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really liked the first one.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Muh, but... Yeah. Interesting how both entries ended up with different ends of the afterlife spectrum.
Entry One badly needed to revise. Entry Two was just kind of meh and unoriginal. Then again, so is the first plot as well. So, Entry Two it is.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really loved both. But I think the line, "This is the Christian God, you're fucked. No virgins for you" well, it won me over.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by chemokenny (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 Besides being well written, it just made me laugh...and I've needed that all this year.
#2 This was also done very well, but I've just seen this same 'thing' too many times before.
Good job..... both of you!
<learningtobepoliticallycorrect>*
*(thanksJack)
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMFG My SOUL??!?!?!?!?
im sorry but #1 was so much more creative
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hard choice but the humor in 1 sold me
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely loved #1!!!!!! Way to go!
#2 was pretty good also
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And we all sing, Oh well, I never!
Was there ever a cat so clever
as magical Mr. Mistofeles?
To be honest, this was a bit of a coin flip for me.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yes.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a close shot...funny how both of them wrote about religon.
Submitted by nicole420 (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
enry 1 was better... it was more descriptive and entertaining.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved this story! Very creative.
#2 wasn't bad either.
The UM death toll rises once more!!!
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
liked number one
Submitted by OnEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was great. Good job.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 1 just scraped it for me. Seemed a little more complete.
-Dave
Submitted by wlmk06 (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What if you're an Atheist?" i said, a nervous pang leaping through me.
"No problem. Just make an afterlife that suits you. It doesn't have to be consistent with what you believe. Have fun, be creative!"
===========================================
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 was okay, but Entry 2 - blech
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
redoing 'fight club' scenes seems a little more lame than redoing 'deal with the devil' stories, so im going with #2. but it was close. man i hope my story doesnt suck as much as most of these 1st round ones have so far.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 author - it would be neat if you followed up on that
story when all of this is over.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blah blah blah shit posts blah blah blah.
Everyone on this site needs to cut everyone else a break.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poopy endings, but both good writing.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Despite the callous references to the tsunami victims and the London bombing victims, #1 gets it because #2 is quite under-developed.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now I'm pissed off at both you guys - you both had a nice story going, but it just needed more fleshing out.
Author #1, I liked your concept better, but you had some typos (Filly? Is he some kind of horse? or did you mean 'Philly'?).
I was going to vote against you, because you wasted more promise than the other fellow, but JonnyX is feeling generous today.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 fit the title better.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 woulda had it, but there was just so many stupid grammar mistakes it got me PO'd.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both mediocre
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
two old religious cliches for the title "lifted." makes sense. i thought #1 was more creative with the bureaucracy of purgatory and the tsunami and everything, whereas #2 had nothing to distinguish it from countless other stories of a man making a deal with the devil. plus i wore a cardinal's outfit for halloween last year, so that clinched it.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was my toughest choice so far, I liked #1 but it didnt start out as a satirical piece, the change in the overall feel of the story took away from it for me.
#2 all the way
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was better, 2 was too cliched.
Submitted by Frank_Grimes (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were good.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 is too cliched and not very creative. Entry 2 is almost as cliche, but not quite.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Though choice: purgatory or hell.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Urgh.
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. Two just didn't do anything for me. One was humorous enough that I could forgive the grammar errors and stuff.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 kinda left me wanting more of a story, seemed to stop short. i liked 1 better.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am 99.99999% sure know who #1 is and I am glad to give this writer my vote.
One note though, #1, do your best to keep the formatting (paragraph/line/paragragh, etc.) clean or it could cost you votes with people who are on the verge of a coin toss.
Good tale though.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did that second entry get a little star wars at the end?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"no virgins for you"
Hahahahaa, serves those fuckers right!!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both, but 1 seemed a little more like a full story.
Just remember, it's I, not i. That kinda bugged me.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 was very good.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I need 50cc's of Sodium Pentathol" Why would they give him truth syrum?
neither one of these had much to do with the title and both seemed a bit cliche.
both were reasonably well written, with the exception of the above line in number 1. i decided to go with number 1 in spite of it, because it became less cliched as it went on as opposed to number 2, which became more cliched over time. also, number 1 worked in some humor.
it was close.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Papa's Got A Brand New Bag
<chingachingachingachinga>
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hm..cool story on #1. Very cliched story on #2, but it was much better-written. Very close call going to #1, despite the shitty format. Fix that and you'll be a better contender with those kinds of stories.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kimba (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TW (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yup.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. I liked both of these...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-18 10:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both fairly poor
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry two capitalized the I's.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As far as I am concerned, Entry 1 - hands down.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two totally had the potential to win this one. But potential just isn't enough
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both were exceptional. The only thing that clinched it for me was that #1 made me laugh, and I'm in the mood for amusing stories.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-18 09:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
both were ok in my book....
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ragman (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm surprised this isn't closer.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
..............
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Both fucking awesome, and kind of identical. This was a really borderline decision, I don't know what pushed me slightly towards one.
Man this was a good matchup.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 08:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were decent.
But #1 was obviously better.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really tough choice. Both were excellent.
I think I went for entry1 because the ending to entry2 stank of star wars "A million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced"... spoiled it a tad. Just a tad mind you.
What is a tad anyway?
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1 was very very good
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy shit. #1, you aren't Chuck Palahniuk, stop it, seriously. #2, psst... your cliche is showing.
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-07-18 07:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These were both really good, but the idea of a custom made heaven swung it I'm afraid
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I watched with glee while your kings and queens
fought for ten decades for the gods they made.
I shouted out, "Who killed the Kennedys?"
Well, after all, it was you and me.
Let me please introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste.
And I laid traps for troubadours who get killed before they reach Bombay.
Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name.
But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved the first one. Funny at parts and very well written. That and I hate it when people call elevators lifts... nah im lieing.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
funny how you got similar themes with the title
Submitted by axisofjesus (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
These both sailed the good ship USS cockboat.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This one was tough...both were a little cliched to me, but...
1.) This one reads like a mix of Fight Club, Resevoir Dogs, and Oh! My Goddess. Nothing particularly original, but the writing was a bit humorous.
2.) Eh. This one was pretty predictable and very cliched. The writing style was on par, but Entry 1 was slightly better in this regard.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-18 06:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
entry one was slightly, just slightly less shit.