The Essentials (241 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PMJ <potatomanjack79.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-18 11:43:56 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"Heaven isn't as kick-ass as you thought" Peter stated in a matter of fact tone. It was a tone that conveyed the idea he had given this speech many times before, and would give it many more times in the future.
"So let me get this straight, I only get to chose three?" I responded, still a little wary from the whole process.
I was still confused from the whole ordeal, although it seemed like it was starting to make sense, at least in a Saturday morning bizarro type way. I knew that I was dead or dreaming, and by the vividness of the whole thing, I believed it to be the prior. My dreams are never this clear; they've always got that kind of Vaseline smeared over the lens feel to them. Besides, this was too fucked up for even my subconscious to come up with.
On top of all that, considering the last thing that I remember before all this started was looking up from the CD player in my car only to see a pair of headlights that were way too close to dodge, it seemed to make sense.
It's my own damn fault you know. What the hell was I thinking putting Prince in the middle of a rock based CD anyway? Of course I'd end up skipping Purple Rain every time. Who wants to listen to that after Gimme Shelter, and right before Voodoo Child?
The next thing I knew, I was standing in a line that seemed to go on forever as I tried to shake off the funny feeling that I'd just shit myself. As I attempted to figure out what the hell was going on and take in my surroundings, a woman that reminded me of my high school lunch lady, cigarette hanging off her lower lip and everything (except with a pair of wings strapped to her back), passed me a pencil and form. As she walked away she mumbled something about making sure to write in block letters.
I took a look down at the items that had just been shoved into my hands and the first big clue of where I was, staring back at me in bold capital letters.
WELCOME TO HEAVEN - PLEASE FILL OUT FORM IN TRIPLICATE - NO PETS
Rather than try and ponder my situation, I began filling out the form as it's always comforting to keep your mind busy when you don't know what the fuck is going on, being sure to use my best block letter writing. The same type of script I usually saved for customs declarations, because everyone knows that terrorists don't have nice writing.
About the time I finished the third copy of the eight page form, I had actually advanced enough to a point where I could just make out where the line finally ended.
14 hours later, and a lengthy conversation with the Spanish speaking gentleman in front of me (mind you I don't speak Spanish and he didn't seem to speak English), and I was next in line.
Seeing as I had had a ton of time to do so before, I decided to recheck my forms when I and noticed that I hadn't filled out one section and so began to scramble to finish my application in time. Luckily, St. Peter's Spanish is pretty crappy, and so it took a little bit longer for Juan, Pedro, Juan-Pedro or whatever the guy's name was in front of me to be processed, and allowed to pass through the pearly gates, which I should add didn't seem to actually be made of pearl. What a jip.
Never being one to break the norm, I walked up to the pulpit where Peter was standing, as had the previous 5,000 applicants, and waited. For a moment, Peter just stared at me with a blank look, and then finally as the silence was beginning to grow awkward, he asked in a rather bad accent "Habla Englais?"
"Yes." I responded, and then before I could stop myself, continued with the inquisitive "Why did you ask if I speak English in Spanish?"
"I don't know" he answered testily, and then with a smirk added "why did you burn that lame ass Prince song onto your CD, Fag?"
Fucking dick.
Rather than continuing down that path though, I figured I should move things along. "So what's the deal here?" I stated "Is this heaven or what?"
"Man, did you grow up in Alabama or something, you must be fricking inbred to be this stupid. Take a look at the top of the form that you filled out. What does it say?"
"Uhhh, printed by the Buddha Happy Fun Children's Labor Co-Op?"
"No, smartass, under that."
"Welcome to Heaven."
"Bingo!" he shouted, and gave me a shot with the thumb and forefinger gun. "Now, where do you think that means you currently are? If you really try, I bet you can get this one."
"Heaven" I stated, and then in an effort to defend myself "But what's with the crazy line, and the ugly angels?"
"Listen my friend, the worlds population has exploded, and all the religions are relaxing their rules in order to get as many followers as possible. Heaven's pretty easy to get into these days, and there are just so many people arriving every day that we had to streamline things a little bit. That includes cutting back on perks like small waiting times and updates to the angels."
"I guess that makes sense." I said glumly, but then brightened up with "But at least I'm here, and this is paradise!"
"Wellllll, there's actually a bit of a catch to that too," he said "You see, because there are so many people here, we've had to cut back on the whole, as much of everything you want getup. I mean you still get food and all, and a nice one bedroom apartment with a 20" color TV, but besides that you now choose the three things you like best, and that's what you're stuck with for the rest of eternity. So, what'll it be?"
"Are you kidding me?" I shot back, and that brings us to where we left off, with me asking if it's really the case that I only get to choose three.
"Now you're on the trolley, Potsy." He exclaimed in jovial tone oozing with sarcasm.
So, what do I pick? I mean, what are the three things that would be essential to a happy rest of eternity?
"Porn." My mind blurted out before I could stop myself.
At this, Peter smirked, and then as he wrote my answer down on his list, and whispered from the side of his mouth "Sinner."
Although my face was already flushed, I still followed up my request, as there was still some vital information I needed. "Ummm... will it by just straight porn, or do I get lesbian, and other varieties as well?"
"Well actually," Peter replied "Porn is actually the top request for males here in heaven, and so we've quite an excellent selection. You can get everything your heart desires. We just request that when watching nun porn, that you refrain from calling out the Lord's name, that kind of grosses him out."
"Uh, no worries, I think I can handle that."
"Super duper" he said, and then getting back to business, "So we've got you down with adult material, what'll be next?"
I paused for a second, as I only had two choices left, and would spend the rest of existence with only those things. I know I had already one form of entertainment, but there's only so much porn that someone can handle in a day. I started to think of what I had really enjoyed on earth, and that led me to my second request.
"Video games" I stated. "I get all types right?"
"Sure you do." Peter responded, but then hesitated for a moment.
"What's up, dude?" I enquired, "What's with the pause?"
"Well, you see, you do get all the games you want, and you can get them as soon as they're out, but the thing is this. They come out in Japanese first, and so you've usually got to wait about a year or two before the new games come out in English."
Although I was in Heaven, this still didn't surprise me. I had spent my entire life getting games after people from Japan had already been playing them.
As he saw my reaction of acceptance, he scribbled down my response, and then continued on. "Two down, one to go. Heaven is just one choice away, buddy-roo."
It came to me then, that this really was it. For the rest of existence, however long that was, I'd be stuck with just porn, games, and one other thing. I had to think about this. Did I want literature to keep my mind sharp? Could it be exercise equipment to keep my body sharp? I really didn't know, and then it came to me. The one thing that would make me forget all about both my mind and my body.
"Alcohol." I said, and then relaxed thinking that a life of porn, games, and booze really wouldn't be that bad a way to spend my time.
Peter jotted down the request, and then pushed a button. Slowly the gate barring the way into heaven lifted, struggled for a second as the motor whined against the weight it was lifting, and then finished its ascent. As I approached, Peter remarked with a bit of a chuckle in his tone "Enjoy eternity!"
To this I turned, and as I quickly reviewed my choices not coming up with any bad ones, I said "What's so funny, dick?"
"Oh, it's nothing really. Just toilet paper. Have a fun rest of time, Skid mark!"
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:36:31 EST (#)
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