The Essentials (908 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.32 on 111 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-18 11:50:03 EDT
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Entry 1
Nathan opened his eyes slightly, awaking in the early morning. He thought they were open; he thought he was waking up. He reached up and gingerly poked one of his eyeballs. He winced slightly at the pain; they were certainly open, and he must be awake. He inhaled deeply, smelling the lingering stench of the last night's marijuana. It was a sweet smell, a calming smell, to him, as it was to all of the members of the compound. The Teacher all but required it of his disciples.He knew that outside of the group, they were called a cult. He knew that outside, people mocked them, scorned them, wanted them gone. But he knew that when he had been outside, they had felt the same about him. It hadn't changed; the Teacher welcomed him into his fold of followers, indoctrinated him personally. The Teacher cared; the brothers and sisters cared.
He dressed in the standard, plain, provided clothes of a Follower and walked towards the Temple, the tallest structure in the compound, visible from any of the dwellings. Today the Teacher's lesson would be on the three essentials--essential happiness, essential understanding, and essential acceptance. Nathan was, as always, eager to hear exactly what the Teacher would divine.
It was a short walk to the Temple; already disciples were crowding the room. It was not long before the Teacher came in. He passed the Cup, which contained plain water laced often with mind-enhancing stimulants--to "open the mind," as the Teacher had told him, to allow it to make sense of the lesson. The Teacher--Nathan didn't actually know his name--began to speak shortly after the Cup had been passed to everyone present.
"Today we study the three essentials--things which should come naturally to us, and so cease to complicate our lives. I speak of essential happiness, understanding, and acceptance. The last two lead to the first, and so, we will begin with them.
"To experience essential understanding, we must first allow our minds to wander outside the limits we have put on them, let our thoughts drift into the cosmos, as you all have learned to do...Here, apart from all distractions this world presents us with, you must meditate. You must study experiences of your past--some of them many years ago--and see in the common threads of understanding. For each of us comprehends and analyzes differently, and so you must clear your own path to understanding. Find how you have learned to understand, and apply it at all times, to understand all you see. And, my little brothers and sisters, in time understanding will come naturally to you, as it does to me. But much practice is needed."
Nathan was astounded, as he always was by the Teacher. It made such perfect sense--everything made sense--why hadn't he thought of this on his own? Of course--the Cup had opened his mind, and he could never comprehend things such as this without it!
"Now, once we have understood, we may accept," continued the teacher. "Once understanding has taken place, acceptance is a simple matter. For once something is understood, we do not need to attempt to change it, and once we stop changing something, we may accept it to be as solid as the ground beneath us.
"Happiness always follows. After understanding, we feel accomplishment, and after acceptance, we feel calm. These emotions will come together to form a natural happiness--much different than the happiness we are used to, which results from the actions of others, and is only temporary, but happiness nonetheless. These are the three essentials." The Teacher dismissed all of the followers.
Nathan walked back to his room, the drug in the Cup holding his mind in total bliss. He was completely oblivious to everything going on around him, as was everyone else who had been at the compound. He knew that when he left he had intended to go somewhere, but now he couldn't remember where. Perhaps he should go back to where he had come from. Where had he come from? His skin was tingling a little; perhaps he should visit the Temple to see if the Teacher was speaking.
Where was he going?
Maybe he should go back to his room and sleep. He reached it this time; a note, typed, lay on his bed. It read simply:
"Nathan-
You are Chosen. Rest well, my little brother.
-The Teacher"
He had been selected to join the Chosen! He knew what an honor this was, for him to be chosen so early. He sat on the bed, and just before he passed out, it occurred to him that he had never actually *seen* a Chosen...
He awoke the next morning with vomit smearing his shirt and spotting the floor. He stood up a little too quick; his head spun. He stood still for a few moments while his head cleared, then made his way slowly down to the Temple, clutching the letter. Whatever had been in that Cup had really messed him up. He was going to have a few words with the Teacher!
The teacher was standing in the front of the Temple, almost as if he was waiting. He offered Nathan a drink; Nathan slapped it aside. "Would I really fall for that again?" he demanded.
The Teacher smiled. "No, Nathan, and that is why you have been elevated to the Chosen." He studied Nathan's face for a moment. "You are angry. This cannot lead to happiness, Nathan. Remember yesterday's lesson--first understand, then accept, and you will be happy." He held a blunt out. "Here, Nathan; you will find this much more effective than what any of the Followers have." He pushed it towards Nathan; finally Nathan took it. He walked back to his room and started to smoke the joint. Soon his anger had faded away: "Understand, accept, be happy." Remember the essentials...
- VS -
Entry 2
"Heaven isn't as kick-ass as you thought" Peter stated in a matter of fact tone. It was a tone that conveyed the idea he had given this speech many times before, and would give it many more times in the future.
"So let me get this straight, I only get to chose three?" I responded, still a little wary from the whole process.
I was still confused from the whole ordeal, although it seemed like it was starting to make sense, at least in a Saturday morning bizarro type way. I knew that I was dead or dreaming, and by the vividness of the whole thing, I believed it to be the prior. My dreams are never this clear; they've always got that kind of Vaseline smeared over the lens feel to them. Besides, this was too fucked up for even my subconscious to come up with.
On top of all that, considering the last thing that I remember before all this started was looking up from the CD player in my car only to see a pair of headlights that were way too close to dodge, it seemed to make sense.
It's my own damn fault you know. What the hell was I thinking putting Prince in the middle of a rock based CD anyway? Of course I'd end up skipping Purple Rain every time. Who wants to listen to that after Gimme Shelter, and right before Voodoo Child?
The next thing I knew, I was standing in a line that seemed to go on forever as I tried to shake off the funny feeling that I'd just shit myself. As I attempted to figure out what the hell was going on and take in my surroundings, a woman that reminded me of my high school lunch lady, cigarette hanging off her lower lip and everything (except with a pair of wings strapped to her back), passed me a pencil and form. As she walked away she mumbled something about making sure to write in block letters.
I took a look down at the items that had just been shoved into my hands and the first big clue of where I was, staring back at me in bold capital letters.
WELCOME TO HEAVEN - PLEASE FILL OUT FORM IN TRIPLICATE - NO PETS
Rather than try and ponder my situation, I began filling out the form as it's always comforting to keep your mind busy when you don't know what the fuck is going on, being sure to use my best block letter writing. The same type of script I usually saved for customs declarations, because everyone knows that terrorists don't have nice writing.
About the time I finished the third copy of the eight page form, I had actually advanced enough to a point where I could just make out where the line finally ended.
14 hours later, and a lengthy conversation with the Spanish speaking gentleman in front of me (mind you I don't speak Spanish and he didn't seem to speak English), and I was next in line.
Seeing as I had had a ton of time to do so before, I decided to recheck my forms when I and noticed that I hadn't filled out one section and so began to scramble to finish my application in time. Luckily, St. Peter's Spanish is pretty crappy, and so it took a little bit longer for Juan, Pedro, Juan-Pedro or whatever the guy's name was in front of me to be processed, and allowed to pass through the pearly gates, which I should add didn't seem to actually be made of pearl. What a jip.
Never being one to break the norm, I walked up to the pulpit where Peter was standing, as had the previous 5,000 applicants, and waited. For a moment, Peter just stared at me with a blank look, and then finally as the silence was beginning to grow awkward, he asked in a rather bad accent "Habla Englais?"
"Yes." I responded, and then before I could stop myself, continued with the inquisitive "Why did you ask if I speak English in Spanish?"
"I don't know" he answered testily, and then with a smirk added "why did you burn that lame ass Prince song onto your CD, Fag?"
Fucking dick.
Rather than continuing down that path though, I figured I should move things along. "So what's the deal here?" I stated "Is this heaven or what?"
"Man, did you grow up in Alabama or something, you must be fricking inbred to be this stupid. Take a look at the top of the form that you filled out. What does it say?"
"Uhhh, printed by the Buddha Happy Fun Children's Labor Co-Op?"
"No, smartass, under that."
"Welcome to Heaven."
"Bingo!" he shouted, and gave me a shot with the thumb and forefinger gun. "Now, where do you think that means you currently are? If you really try, I bet you can get this one."
"Heaven" I stated, and then in an effort to defend myself "But what's with the crazy line, and the ugly angels?"
"Listen my friend, the worlds population has exploded, and all the religions are relaxing their rules in order to get as many followers as possible. Heaven's pretty easy to get into these days, and there are just so many people arriving every day that we had to streamline things a little bit. That includes cutting back on perks like small waiting times and updates to the angels."
"I guess that makes sense." I said glumly, but then brightened up with "But at least I'm here, and this is paradise!"
"Wellllll, there's actually a bit of a catch to that too," he said "You see, because there are so many people here, we've had to cut back on the whole, as much of everything you want getup. I mean you still get food and all, and a nice one bedroom apartment with a 20" color TV, but besides that you now choose the three things you like best, and that's what you're stuck with for the rest of eternity. So, what'll it be?"
"Are you kidding me?" I shot back, and that brings us to where we left off, with me asking if it's really the case that I only get to choose three.
"Now you're on the trolley, Potsy." He exclaimed in jovial tone oozing with sarcasm.
So, what do I pick? I mean, what are the three things that would be essential to a happy rest of eternity?
"Porn." My mind blurted out before I could stop myself.
At this, Peter smirked, and then as he wrote my answer down on his list, and whispered from the side of his mouth "Sinner."
Although my face was already flushed, I still followed up my request, as there was still some vital information I needed. "Ummm... will it by just straight porn, or do I get lesbian, and other varieties as well?"
"Well actually," Peter replied "Porn is actually the top request for males here in heaven, and so we've quite an excellent selection. You can get everything your heart desires. We just request that when watching nun porn, that you refrain from calling out the Lord's name, that kind of grosses him out."
"Uh, no worries, I think I can handle that."
"Super duper" he said, and then getting back to business, "So we've got you down with adult material, what'll be next?"
I paused for a second, as I only had two choices left, and would spend the rest of existence with only those things. I know I had already one form of entertainment, but there's only so much porn that someone can handle in a day. I started to think of what I had really enjoyed on earth, and that led me to my second request.
"Video games" I stated. "I get all types right?"
"Sure you do." Peter responded, but then hesitated for a moment.
"What's up, dude?" I enquired, "What's with the pause?"
"Well, you see, you do get all the games you want, and you can get them as soon as they're out, but the thing is this. They come out in Japanese first, and so you've usually got to wait about a year or two before the new games come out in English."
Although I was in Heaven, this still didn't surprise me. I had spent my entire life getting games after people from Japan had already been playing them.
As he saw my reaction of acceptance, he scribbled down my response, and then continued on. "Two down, one to go. Heaven is just one choice away, buddy-roo."
It came to me then, that this really was it. For the rest of existence, however long that was, I'd be stuck with just porn, games, and one other thing. I had to think about this. Did I want literature to keep my mind sharp? Could it be exercise equipment to keep my body sharp? I really didn't know, and then it came to me. The one thing that would make me forget all about both my mind and my body.
"Alcohol." I said, and then relaxed thinking that a life of porn, games, and booze really wouldn't be that bad a way to spend my time.
Peter jotted down the request, and then pushed a button. Slowly the gate barring the way into heaven lifted, struggled for a second as the motor whined against the weight it was lifting, and then finished its ascent. As I approached, Peter remarked with a bit of a chuckle in his tone "Enjoy eternity!"
To this I turned, and as I quickly reviewed my choices not coming up with any bad ones, I said "What's so funny, dick?"
"Oh, it's nothing really. Just toilet paper. Have a fun rest of time, Skid mark!"
Entry 1:
bigbabylons
BobLobla
BuckeyesTHEGAME
c1ndy
Chinaski
corn_nugget
crazybutsolazy
darko
Deidra
Draqus
Exodus
Frank_Grimes
iddqd
Inanna
Jack_McCallum
JonnyX
Magicaddict
MandaPanda
mbstateside
MichaelJackson
mrwolf
Razor
rollerboognish
Slovin
Snark
Soley_Trinity
spedmonkey
Stin
supersloth
swamp_donkey
thorpe
Yams
youarsoghey
26 eligible votes (33 total) *
Entry 2:
absolutes
Adamdidit2u
algermetiphist
apollo88
badassmofo
Berty
BillsSBChamps
Blinkish
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
Brdn_Nkd
CaptainThorns
Circe
comicbookguy
Coyote
Crystle
DanielH
Davros
doctorj24
dodahdave
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
egadz
ess-arr
fudgepacker
FunnyAsCancer
gamma
GodChicken
Hirilnara
Impassive-Digressive
indigogecko
indoninja
intellismartness
jack11058
Jeanneee
jgreening
JMG114
joedaddy
justagirl27
Katastrofadark
kimmy02721
Kre8rix
krissi
LadyPlural
loki
Merlina
Method
Mike00295
munkeypants
Natsukau
nicole420
nitty34
notyou
NOWorNEVER
OnEdge
potatomanjack
QueenAshlee
rad1101
RandomJose
RyuFu
screamfeeder
sg11588
Siren
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
Sphagnum
stevie_says
TigerLilly
tlozoot
Viciousriffs
Wiggles
William_Q_Percy
Xcuses
yermom
zakalwe
64 eligible votes (75 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-20 00:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry two had a few good lines. Toss-up, really.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-19 21:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sigh
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Blech
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 1 was pretty good. Entry2 I get the feeling I've heard somewhere before, still made me smile.
Looks like entry1 gets the vote.
Submitted by Frank_Grimes (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not really sure why I voted on this one.
The first one seemed incomplete and the second was juvenille.
In the end I think it was Peter calling you a "Fag" that did it for me.
-Dave
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Neither too good - Entry 1 was kind of spoilt a bit at the end, and Entry 2 was a bit forced.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-19 04:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm voting for 2 even though the ending was pissweak.
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, similar to a previous post though.
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked number 1
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2005-07-19 00:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-19 00:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be fair, I'm not voting on this one. I don't think one is better than the other and I really didn't care much for either.
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-18 21:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Skid marks
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
for "Why did you ask if I speak English in Spanish?"
and the fact that the first one lost me
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shit, I just read a story like this in the last match-up. aren't there copyrights or patents on cliches like this?
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-18 20:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Why choose porn when you could have real girls? That was dorky, and the remark about Alabama almost cost you my vote: Pleasure Island, the Bama isle I live on, is soaked with hotties (hence no need for porn- unless one is making it).
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Good job.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-07-18 19:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:54:30 (#)
Ranking: -1
Jesus, you two...
Remember the part in Star Wars - Episode IV, where they're in the Millenium Falcon, trying to escape from the Empire, and everybody's yelling at Han Solo to get them out of there, and Han Solo goes "Watch this!", and then the hyperdrive goes
WHEERENK WHEERENK WHERNK WONNK WONK WONK WONK...
These stories were like that.
================================
Greatest review I've ever read. Ever.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Inanna (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't really like either of these, but 2 sounds like a bad joke my students would tell.
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both pretty good. Was gonna go with 1, seeing as we've already had a "filing in forms to get into heaven" post... but the twist just made me blink & smile. I really didn't see that coming! (and porn with no TP -I'd say skiddies was the least of his worries.. eeeww..)
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2-made me laugh
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit #1
Nathan was supposed to wake up with a burning butt hole*
Nevermind.......
*I think I'm alone on this one
#2 by a chuckle
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh to both.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry 2? Fucking hilarious!
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-18 16:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by nicole420 (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Geez I don't know.
It's like bother of these were written by the same guy.
#2 was like a really long joke and I had trouble seeing the point behind #1 aside from Cults are Bad mmmkay?
The were written well though.
The coin toss goes to #1
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me giggle
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I really enjoyed entry 2. Looks like I'm a fan of the whole 'humourous take on dying and the afterlife' stories.
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:39:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*shrugs*
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was shit
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 was awesome. 1 sucked incredible amounts of goat balls.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both of these sucked balls like leeches in a backwater pond.
I was going to vote for #2 until the end, when it turned into a long drawn out bar room joke.
#1 gets it by a fuckin hair.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OnEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Jesus, you two...
Remember the part in Star Wars - Episode IV, where they're in the Millenium Falcon, trying to escape from the Empire, and everybody's yelling at Han Solo to get them out of there, and Han Solo goes "Watch this!", and then the hyperdrive goes
WHEERENK WHEERENK WHERNK WONNK WONK WONK WONK...
These stories were like that.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt even read the second one. The first one was funny.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dare say owned.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reading is tiring
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked them both.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i started out hating #1 for a few different reasons (Nathan hadn't shown any anger before the teacher called him angry, the ending was unsatisfactory and there was no significance to Nathan's being "chosen" except that he got a stronger dose), but #2 sucked much more, so 1 takes it. but fricking do better next time, 1.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Entry 1 = Huh?
Entry 2 = I liked the whole feel of the entry. Pretty funny too.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even though 2 has already been done in the contest and is rather cliche, it was done well and was at least funny. and made sense.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm, Number 1 i guess, I want my money back
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Christ, this was a decision?
HATED #1 with a fiery passion.
#2 wasn't much better, but as least it wasn't #1.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun times.
It's really hard to do humour in UM because the posts are under such scrutiny, but you did well Author 2.
Author 1 - good job as well, but just a little bland for my tastes. You should've done more with him being a chosen. I mean, being a chosen and then getting to smoke a dube with the teacher... and that's it... is a little anti-climactic don't you think?
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that I know who these are.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 was worth a chuckle.
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Entry one WTF?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
saw it coming but #2 (get it number 2?) was funny shit (see I did it again, oh damn I'm funny). one was good but i gotta vote for two.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line in #2 made me wince. If you said, "Enjoy wiping your ass with your hand, Skid Mark" I would have nominated it for B@W
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's sad that one of you have to lose. these are both outstanding and this will go to the wire no doubt.
both kept me heavily engrossed. #1 was creepy and excellent while 2 was outstandingly funny and vividly depicted. very nicely done on both counts.
**i vote for letting one of these two guys/girls stay and take one of the DQd spots** (not sure if that's possible, but hey...)
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:05:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Entry 1 seemed like it was straight out of The Da Vinci code. A cult and "The Teacher"?
Entry 2 seemed a bit similar to "Lifted" and theres no way to tell whether he got the idea from that submission or not. It wasn't that good but I'll take it over 1.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shame the heaven one was so similar to that other entry.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was close. VERY close.
Then toilet paper.
And that sealed it.
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 really didn't make much sense, or had much of a storyline.
unless the author was attempting to convey the abject gullibility of cult members and their inability to think properly by writing a piece that directly reflected that.
Which if that is the case, good job.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 lost it by not finishing. Terrible place to end the story.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked two a lot. One felt like it was rushed at the end, if you can even call that an ending.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh... tossup. Two just had too much forced humor that failed. Number one by a hair, although meh on both.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-18 11:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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