Losing my Job (1240 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.5 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bLinkiSh (View user info) at 2005-07-18 12:15:28 EDT
I have a group of mismatched friends. They like to hang out in alternative bars and I don't mind joining them on occasion. So when my buddy called me up and asked if I would like to go to fetish night at this bar I had never heard of, I thought, 'What the hell'.
So, I assume fetish night is like a dress all Rocky Horror Picture Show-ish. My 'costume' consists of a black lace tank top, a denim miniskirt and a collar. Not very risky I know, but I thought it looked good. I put the finishing touches on my black eye liner and head to my porch for a smoke while I wait for my ride. What pulled up can only be described as a Rocky Horror Train Wreck.
My buddy is wearing a black leather Speedo, with a gag ball in his mouth and a velvet cape. (To enhance this visual I would like to add that he is roughly 300 pounds and he does not carry it well) His boyfriend is wearing a red teddy with a boa and black leather chaps and carrying a whip. Disappointingly, hey have brought Jo. She is a girl from my office who I don't mind hanging out with, but she has admitted to having a crush on me SEVERAL times and gets all bitchy if I go to a bar and so much as DANCE with someone. Jo is wearing a little black dress with what looks like clown make-up, or she was going for a Mimi from Drew Carey look. And she wonders why I don't dance with or near her.
Now I love these people. They are a few of the most genuine friends anyone could ask for. So I forgive them silently and get in the car. Of course I comment, "You guys look great!" smile and we went on our way.
Well, we get to there, I find out it's a gay bar, "Surprise honey! We thought you could use a little fun!" Sweet, maybe I'll see some hot lesbian action! We get through the door and I head for the bar. I am surrounded with a barrage of leather clad, half naked people, some of which have hand cuffs, rope and/or whips and paddles. I am now scared. What's even more frightening is, my friends KNOW most of these people. Which means these people feel the need to come and talk to us. And they don't know me, so I have to be introduced. Enter the 'fresh meat' comments.
I am then introduced to half dozen gay men, all wearing sailor costumes, "For the irony darling" and their friend, Greta. Now, normally I am up for a bit of a spanking, especially if it includes lesbians, but not in the middle of a bar crowd. So imagine my face when the tiny, little red headed, Russian girl Greta, grabs my arm, literally drags me to the corner, and introduces herself as my master for the evening. Now I am not a tiny girl. I'm about 5'8'' to her 5'2'', I've got some impressive biceps for a woman, and I'm pretty sure I could own this midget if I tried. So I laugh. Normal human reaction. Wrong thing to do.
This psycho hellcat handcuffs me so quickly I didn't even realize she had cuffs on her, throws me against the wall and starts beating my backside with her paddle. Now when being beaten by someone smaller then you, a few things run through your head.
1) I can't believe the strength on this little bitch! What does she weight train every morning or something? Her arms are so small ...
2) I have half a mind to turn around and kill you! People are seeing this! They probably think I'm some sort of wimpy little girl. My reputation could be trashed if I let you continue.
3) Goddammit this is HOT!
So you see my dilemma. I could tell her to stop it, and walk away. I could beat the living hell outta her. Or. Or. I could take her home and see what else she's got.
Now. I have a husband. He understands that I love fiery little redheads and this cannot be helped. And I sure he would LOVE for me to bring her home. The problem lies here. Jo. I work with her. And we work in a very, very conservative office, where the mere mention of a gay bar would get you fired.
"But she is there too!" you say. Dually noted. But she has a massive crush on yours truly. So. Risk taking little hotty home and having the spiteful rejected tattle to get even? Or decline my animalistic urges to save face?
As I ponder this predicament, the little one turns me back around, unlocks my cuffs and walks away.
FUCK! Too to long to think! I hate this shit!
So I do what any idiot would do. I walk back to my table, look Jo in the eye, and say "The consequences of my actions this evening may cause me to lose my job. But I honestly believe that the videotape of tonight's proceedings will hold me through my struggles for many nights to come."
Then I walked to the pay phone, told my husband to expect company and chased that redhead right into a cab.
And guess what? I was right. I may not have lost my job, and that sucks. But I have the sexiest memory to make up for it, and the tape to prove it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-17 08:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 hard-on
Submitted by Leopold525 (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the imagery, a nice fantasy of a wife that would go out and find some saucy lil slut to bring back home to hubby for playtime... too bad shit like that doesn't happen at my house :(
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wish I could 'dually note' something. I would love to be 'dually noted' on that.
I am funny Ha-ha.
+1 for effort, or something.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-18 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to need proof before of this. Please send copy of that video to....
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:28:46 (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
An awful piece of detritus written by a sweating, horny 56-year-old homosexshul.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-18 14:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
An awful piece of detritus written by a sweating, horny 56-year-old homosexshul.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People tend to assume that lesbians on the net are all inreality sweaty middle aged men.
they're usually right, but I imagine this must be a problem for actual lesbians.
This post wasn't great, but it'll do for a second attempt.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought you were a guy until halfway through it. Even so, I don't think I'm entirely convinced that you weren't once or are now, a guy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the ghey?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
An awful piece of detritus written by a sweating, horny 56-year-old homosexshul.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Sorry I wasted my time reading this shit.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought you were a guy until halfway through it. Even so, I don't think I'm entirely convinced that you weren't once or are now, a guy.
Submitted by Darth_Adwain (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could sue.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
*squick*
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd gladly give you two hamburgers tomorrow for a video today...
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:}
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-18 12:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"and the tape to prove it. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ha ha ha... excellent.
After all, if it feels good...