I'll give head for straight up cash (1710 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2005-07-18 17:25:36 EDT
You clicked here because you want head, just hold your horses I'll get to that in a bit.
Right now you may be wondering, "Who the heck is this Sully character?," or "Why is Tony Danza's talk show aired at such crude times?" Or maybe you're quietly debating if that Russian mpeg off of Bearshare was legal or not. Any way you look at it, there are questions in your mind running a muck, and I just might have the answers you so desperately seek. But I probably do not.
Where is this going, you ask? Oh you'd like to know, friend.
It all started on a rainy, depressing day back when I was about thirteen. I lived in a predominantly white, upper-middle class neighborhood where no one ever got murdered or molested. Just your average meticulously wiped asshole of houses built on a perfectly paved street. The kind of paved street that if you spit on it, the saliva would literally bounce off and onto a nearby car's windshield. Then the windshield wipers would wipe once. And then you'd say "Hmmhm" approvingly.
It was rather yucky outside and none of the neighborhood kids were up to hanging out, so naturally, I masturbated for a few hours. Can you blame me though? For your first crush dumping you at the Spring Formal? Of course not, I had nothing to do with that, I don't even know you.
When I finished, I cleaned up and went downstairs. Then I went back up. Then down again. You know, so I could get in my day's worth of exercise. Just then, my mom and dad walked into the living room, Dad's right arm over Mom's shoulder, Mom's left hand on Dad's hip. Both parties' free hands holding onto the opposite. They had identical sad, disappointed faces. Wonderful, I thought, they're going to give me a lecture on not using family albums as whack-off material. I sat forward on the couch and folded my hands, looking at the floor.
"We found marijuana in your backpack," whimpered my mother.
Oh shit.
My father breathed out slowly and looked at his shoes. He let go of my Mom, walked into the kitchen, and came back holding a pink backpack with flowers on it. There was a teddy bear in the front pouch for good measure. He unzipped it, then dumped the contents onto the nearby coffee table. About one-hundred and fifty joints spilled out.
"Dad, it's not mine I swear! You believe me don't you? Don't you!!"
"Are you telling me these drugs aren't yours?!" screamed Dad, throwing the backpack to the floor.
My mother burst into tears and put her hands over her face. I looked at the joints and then at my parents.
"No, this weed is definitely mine, but that backpack doesn't belong to me, I swear. For Christ's sake, Dad, you have to believe me."
My dad kneeled on one knee in front of me and put his hands on mine.
"Son, look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. Is the backpack yours or is it not yours?" he questioned, tears on the corners of his eyes. I could tell from the redness that he had been previously crying.
"I swear on The Tick© action figure collection in my closet that the backpack isn't mine," I said staring him in the eyes.
"Even the rare nude version of Arthur sans wings?" he said in a monotone croak.
"Even... the rare nude version of Arthur sans wings," I breathed. Normally I would never give that up but desperate times call for unholy sacrifices.
My mom gasped, her tears quickly becoming tears of happiness. Dad's frown turned the fuck upside down as well as he jumped on the couch yelling out curses of joy. They high-fived as well. I lit up a joint as they had their celebration.
Suckers, that backpack was definitely mine.
Oh and if you want head, I take cold hard cash only. NO CHECKS. NO MONEY ORDERS. I'll think about Paypal. My rates aren't bad, ask anyone who's anyone. Like Mickginny. By the way, that Russian video off of Bearshare was indeed illegal, perv.
User Reviews
Submitted by Aidennn (user info) at 2008-08-20 17:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-30 13:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where'd you go?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-26 14:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF? This was awesome.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusement abounded.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD! Plus fuckin 2.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
peener
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Donkey give me that... plus your virginity! (tee-hee!)
No but seriously 400,000 American, bitch.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So the blonde asks "How do you give shoulders?"
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It started to get a little odd in the middle there but other then that I liked it.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2005-07-18 18:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:40:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I puked pig semen!
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FOR THE LAST TIME, IT WAS A PIG COSTUME!
Fifteen or twenty more insults, and I am so gonna kick you ass in Parcheesi.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
C1ndy- Stonedsilly and I shared this account http://www.ubersite.com/u/Nancy after she lost to me in a mini-Ubermadness. I think you can figure out which posts were made after we got her password.
Also recently there was this post http://www.ubersite.com/m/68342 which no doubt is the same chick who lost her account last time under a different alias, or apparently aliases. It's strange how she seems to be purposefully losing her password to people.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:40:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I puked pig semen!
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Dude............that's just wrong!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed until I puked pig semen!
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a funny bastard, Mr. Pirate.
Submitted by XenoWolf (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no idea what's going on here.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you fifty-three cents plus shipping and handeling for that action figure.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are responsible for me getting interested in uberdrama. I remember when I first started studying the site you were having a brilliant row with some girl where you both had to write stories and the worst one lost their Username. I think. Was that you?
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-18 17:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Been a while.