A Brighter Day (336 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brandon Fabish <brandino_the_great.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-18 20:16:16 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"Don't look now..."
"What the hell does that mean? I'm constantly looking. When my eyes are open, I'm looking. How the hell am I not supposed to look at any given moment when my eyes are open? Besides, the moment has already passed. You say, 'don't look now,' and I'm already looking when you say that, so there's no point in saying it. You'd have to give me at least three seconds in advance before I'd even be able to react and not 'look now.'"
"Holy Shit... What are you talking about?"
"No, what are you talking about? What was I not supposed to 'look now' at?"
"Huh? Oh... I was saying 'don't look now,' because there is an army of cybernetic Madeline Albrights coming straight for us."
"I don't see a ---"
"Shut up! They're looking right at us."
"What if I whisper?"
"Shut up will you? I've got to think."
"Alright. I'll hold my breath, while you think." *Huuuuphh*
"Eureka! I think I've got it."
"Didn't Regan go to Eureka? It's a college somewhere in the mid-west... I think it's in Illinois. Do you pronounce the 's' so it sounds like Illi-noise or is it silent? Speaking of which, how can there be a silent letter? Why is it silent? Shouldn't it just not be in the word at all? And why do people say 'Missour-uh' when it ends with an 'i?' Wait a second --- got what?"
"Run straight ahead as fast as you can, and don't stop until your ears start bleeding, okay?"
"Can I tie my shoe first?"
"You're not wearing shoes..."
"Oh, right. Okay. Ready? One...Two...Three."
"Don't stop until your ears bleed!"
"Oh god, oh god, oh god. They're looking straight at me!"
"Keep running!"
"Oh god. One has red eyes!"
"They all have red eyes! Just don't look at them!"
"It just winked at me! Tell it to stop!"
"That's not winking; it's going to shoot you in the face!"
"My ears are bleeding!"
"Stop!"
"Oh fuck did you see that? It almost hit me!"
"I know, that's why I had you stop! It has a motion sensor! It fired where you would've been had you kept running!"
"But how did you know that my ears were going to bleed?
"Can't you hear that loud high-pitched noise? That's why our ears are bleeding! Why else would we be yelling?"
"I thought we were just caught up in all of the fast-paced excitement! The noise is beautiful! They're like mythical Sirens!"
"Put in the earplugs I gave you!"
"Where?"
"In your ears! And remember, don't move."
"Oh, right."
So here's what we were dealing with: A corrupt corporation (ACOP - A Collaboration of People) joins with a desperate nation in a time of crisis and creates a world domination-fueled project hell-bent on destruction and spearheaded by massive waves of unyielding, six-foot tall, robotic, former Secretary of State Madeline Albrights.
The annoying person about two hundred feet from me that won't stop asking questions, and...yes, he just tried to drown himself by attempting to breathe while staring straight up into the rain, that's Travis.
Here's the facts we're left with. We're stuck here at heart of this mess. Right where it all started, Prague, Czechoslovakia. At this point I have no idea how to defeat this ruthless army of Madeline Albrights, and I know that if I'm not the one who does then we'll be relying on Trav here to figure things out for us. He doesn't know much about anything except history. He could probably tell you why we're here and what's going on better then I can, but it'd take you three hours of interrogation before you'd get anything useful out of him.
Some of you may be questioning just how brutal is an army of metal, computerized Madeline Albrights? Here's how crazy one can be. In a "60 Minutes" interview the following sentences occurred:
"We have heard that half a million children have died. I mean, that's more children than died in Hiroshima. And, you know, is the price worth it?" Lesley Stahl asked.
Albright replied, "I think this is a very hard choice, but the price -- we think the price is worth it."
One Madeline Albright can and will easily kill over 500,000 children daily, with no regrets whatsoever.
"Hey, while you were giving the background narration I found a way to end all of this."
"You're kidding, right?"
"What?"
"Travis, take out your earplugs."
"I haven't practiced being deaf all my life. I can't see the words coming out of your mouth. What are you saying? Here, let me take out my earplugs."
Not a second after Travis took out his earplugs another robot blew out of the doorway of a warehouse just in front of us. It was slightly taller then the other robots and looked a whole lot deadlier. An eye-shattering, ear-numbing, pancreas-swelling metallic noise erupted from the robot:
"I am Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros..."
"What the hell is wrong with it?"
"That's what I was trying to tell you. It's the hero. That thing is going to save us."
"...Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros..."
"That thing can't save us, it won't ever do anything until it's done saying it's name. Is it broken or what?"
"I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait for it."
"We can't wait. The Madeline Albright army has been fully activated and they're ---"
"...Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros BoutrosBoutros-Ghali."
"YES! It's her arch-enemy!"
"Travis, what the shit are you talking about?"
"It's Boutros Boutros-Ghali. He was the UN Secretary-General when Madeline Albright was Ambassador to the UN. They're international relationship was horrible. He once claimed he'd open a can of Boutros Boutros on her ass, but she then retorted, I'll take a thirty pack, bitch."
"Ghali... that'd be a shit-load of Boutros Boutros."
"No doubt..."
"...To enter in a relation with the Other, it is necessary to first be yourself. That is why a sane globalization of modern life first supposes the existence of solid identities. Because an excessive or misunderstood globalization could also shred cultures, melt them into a uniform culture, from which the world has nothing to gain... An ordered world is a world of independent nations, open to each other in the respect of their differences and similarities. That is what I have called the fertile logic of nationalities and universality in which to --- "
"Fuck, he's gone crazy!"
"He's opening a mind-full of Ghali... The world can't hold so much ego on such a large scale."
As the earth began to shake and crumble beneath both my feet and Travis's, I realized that there was no way out of this. A life ruled by Madeline Albright is one thing, but a world powered by the mind of Boutros Boutros-Ghali is another.
"Die you bastard! Aaagh!"
Still screaming like a girl, I shimmied up his tungsten-fused leg and climbed onto his back. I found a release button and pushed it, emptying out the robot's head-casing, causing Boutros's head to fall twenty feet to the ground with a splatter of blood and a shockwave of intelligence.
"There, I did it Travis. I killed him. I saved the world. I saved over 500,000 babies. Think of the babies, Travis. With their cute smiles and their overgrown heads."
"Thanks. Now how're we going to get rid of all of these Albrights...?"
User Reviews
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-29 09:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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