Revelations (343 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Slovin (View user info) at 2005-07-18 21:32:55 EDT
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"Let there be light," he said. And there was light, as Jesus stumbled out of bed and managed to find the switch on the wall, groping through his closet for his white satin robe and police uniform. There was a knock at the door as he pulled it over his head and immediately began to glow softly.
"A moment," he yelled, tripping over a pile of empty Evian bottles half-full of Russian vodka. He reached the door and opened it to find a dark, curly-haired Mexican standing outside.
"¿Tacos de goma de los pescados?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure Eduardo. I'm just getting my uniform on now. Go warm up the cruiser and I'll be right out." He tossed him the car keys and closed the door heavily.
***
In the year 93 A.D., the Book of Revelations was recorded by the disciple John. It depicted the rise of Satan, predictions regarding the Final Battle of Good and Evil, secret code containing what scholars believe to be the final scores of soccer games far into the distant future, and many other useful things that the average citizen has absolutely no use for.
The Second Coming of Christ is one of the most widely-known of the prophesies in Revelations. The only things it failed to mention were silly little details like when, where, and how. The world would soon simultaneously know and not care about the answers to these questions, following the pattern of scientific discovery over the decades. For the reader's benefit, the answers are "March 1975," "Wildwood, New Jersey, USA," and "lack of birth control."
Some would ask, why hasn't anyone noticed Jesus Christ our lord and savior alive and well on the sunny and scenic, though admittedly polluted and hellish, Garden State Boardwalk?
Some would answer, have you tried the fried dough?
***
The black-and-white police car roared down the highway, lights blaring and siren sounding. Jesus turned them off and instructed Eduardo not to mess with the buttons.
They pulled softly into the driveway of a calm-looking white and grey house with seagulls dead and in varying stages of decay scattered about the property.
Eduardo whistled. A moment later, a gunshot was heard from the roof of the house, and another of the birds stopped dead in its tracks, which is both a fitting and confusing description of what it did since it was indeed dead but not making any tracks at the time. It began to fall and landed squarely on the hood of their car. Eduardo yelped and dove behind a bush.
"Mr. Williams?" Jesus called, stepping tentatively toward the house.
A few moments later, a large, very tan man pushed open the front door and stepped forward, completely filling the doorframe. He wore jeans and a dirty black T-shirt.
"What?" he said in a deep, southern accent, and as if daring Jesus to ask a question.
"Sir, you know you can't shoot the seagulls. By all rights you shouldn't be firing that gun in public."
"I ain't got a gun."
"I heard it."
"Dishwasher. Been actin' up."
"Then how did all these seagulls die?" he said, exasperated, gesturing towards all the dead carcasses.
Mr. Williams thought for a moment, looked around, and then with a serious face and a stern voice, replied.
"Heart attack."
A few moments passed while they thought about this.
"Well... don't let it happen again. And get your dishwasher fixed," Jesus said, trying and failing to intimidate him, then walked back to the car. Mr. Williams grunted and went back inside.
***
The cruiser sat motionless outside McDonald's as Jesus and his Mexican friend enjoyed their lunch. The Most Holy One chowed down on a 10-piece Chicken McNugget meal with honey mustard sauce, and Eduardo ate ketchup packets.
"Tengo una erupción grande."
"I know, I know. He probably did sin, killing all those birds for no reason. But I have to do everything by the book, you know, lay low until my time comes."
"Los olores de la empanada del limón tienen gusto de pies."
"I know it's going to happen sometime, Eduardo. It's the whole reason Dad sent me here."
"Vayamos al restaurante de Applebee."
"You think so?"
"El comer bueno en la vecindad."
"Maybe. But I have to believe I have a purpose here. The Final Battle, you know?"
"Usted apesta."
"Yeah, I guess we'll just have to wait and find out. Dad works in mysterious ways. We just have to watch for divine messages."
***
A flaming rock hurled itself screaming out of the sky and smashed through the roof of an empty suburban home, leveling it completely. It left a 20-foot crater and the letters INRI roughly etched into the broken concrete 10 feet into the ground.
Jesus and Eduardo pulled up to file an official report and take witness accounts. A very straightforward scene, albeit very rare. Comet falls from the sky and punches a neat hole in the ground where a $400,000 house used to stand. No deaths or injuries. Property owner died the night before of an unrelated gunshot wound to the head.
"Cut and dry," Jesus declared. They got back in the car and drove off, letting the construction crew begin their work.
***
Jesus awoke to what sounded very similar to the raining of fire and brimstone from the heavens, ear-splitting earthquakes, and the evil, resonating laughter of the Dark Lord of the Underworld.
After rolling over and hitting the Snooze button a few times, he realized it was not, in fact, his alarm clock. He sprung into action, leapt gracefully out of bed, tripped over the sheets and fell nose-first into a pile of worn-out sandals.
After quickly pulling on his robe and police uniform, he sprinted out the door and into a different world.
The sky had turned blood-red, fire rained down and destroyed all in its path, and a large black mountain had risen out of the ocean a few miles off the coast. There was a thick fog as most of the saltwater had been boiled off in the extreme heat and earthquakes. Screaming women and children could be heard from all directions as chaos erupted completely.
Jesus ran directly for the mountain as fast as he could. It took him two full hours to reach it and another to climb to the summit where the Most Evil One waited on his throne of broken bones and blood, eager to crush all opposition beneath his feet.
Jesus climbed over the sharp rocks and looked into the face of his mighty foe, then let out an angry and accusatory battle cry:
"DAMNIT, EDUARDO!"
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:34:31 EST (#)
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