When Bad Dudes Go Hard (954 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.06 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chinaski (View user info) at 2005-07-18 23:18:01 EDT
Well Uber, it seems that as of late I've been having some anger management issues. Just like the movie starring Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler, only I actually did fuck Heather Graham. And I'll KILL YOU if you think I'm lying!
Just kidding. I think you're swell.
Anyway, these day to day little "anger flash floods" as I quaintly refer to them have started to erode the walls of my self-respect. And I don't like that. No. I don't like that at all.
So I've decided to take action! I'm instilling in myself a system of control to help mediate my little mood spikes. When something happens that sends the old heart into violent palpitations, I just smile and say to myself, "Chinaski, you old dog, you, there's no need to get apoplectic here! Sure, your angina is trying to force your heart through your chest with the furious strength a dog licks it's asshole with, but that's no reason to let it get to your head! Just take a looong, slow breath, and cool off..." and so far it's been working wonders.
Just a moment ago, for instance, I played it cool when I could have gone off my rocker. I was filling up a salad bowl with hot water to let it soak when, on a whimsy, I decided to rinse my hands off. As I stuck my hands underneath the running water, two things happened- first, I calmly noted the water was hot enough to slough the flesh right off my paws. Secondly, my superior sense of control kicked in, and I said to myself, as I propelled my hands out of the stream of sizzling agony, "I- love- it- when- I- give- my- self- second- degree- burns!" forcing the words out through the portcullis of my clenched jaw. By looking at the bright side of things- that I had just nearly blistered the sore, red flesh of my hands- I could appreciate the good things that would come of it. Most notably, I would have to masturbate with my feet for the next two weeks. Also, I wouldn't be able to play guitar, and if there's one thing I hate, it's the glorious freedom of self-expression that filthy instrument allows me!
So you see, there are many wonderful things about facing things with a positive attitude.
Why, just the other day I was working at the Farmer's Market, where I peddle my high-quality organic wares to clueless, brutally insensitive yuppies with deep wallets and even deeper, all-encompassing senses of ungrateful cheapness. A winning combination when you're the hapless worker serving up platitudes to the people who make the world run round! As I was standing behind a scale, nursing my delicious four-dollar yuppie-coffee and eating a healthy serving of butter (aka, a scone) who should come up to me but a beautiful example of a kind, smiling yuppie housewife!
"Hey yuppie slut," I said amiably enough, flexing my polite muscle, "What'll it be? Eight inches of flesh or steel?" I grinned at her like a starving Russian street orphan to help her feel at ease and caressed the knife I was using to cut peach samples.
"Oh my Dear God!" she bantered back at me, playfully putting an expression of shocked horror on her face. She backed up, no doubt to allow me a better view of her ample gut.
"If nothing else, perhaps you could give me a ride across that stretch of barren desert over there," I said, pointing to the street corner. "It looks like your camel toe is chock-full of life-giving fluids." I pointed to the grotesque bulge that some hippies had no doubt considered worthy of dam-exploding practice.
"MY GOD!" she cried again, covering her face with her hands and swooning backwards into an elderly gentleman. That elderly gentleman was my boss.
"What's going on here!?" he asked. "Are you all right!?" The woman was in no way responsive.
"Chinaski, what happened?" he asked, mortified and pale-faced.
"Oh nothing, massah suh!" I crowed. "Just gettin' on all polite like with the customers!" I smiled toothily, content in knowing that my new-found sense of calm was all due to Yes-I-Cannibus!
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 21:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you assumed being wrong. Good boy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 21:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ever heard of sarcasm?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-03 21:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 20:49:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
I assumed this post sucked
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Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 20:47:30 (#)
Ranking: -2
you make retarded assumptions
____
Looks like I'm not the only one, bright boy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 20:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I assumed this post sucked
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-03 20:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you make retarded assumptions
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-01 13:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've figured you out.
You think you're REALLY cool, but you just can't seem to convince the rest of the world, and on Uber, no amount of alters seem to help. I hope you sort your shit out before you hit adulthood. At this point in your life, you really suck, PLUS in the eyes of the people you secretly admire most, you make an ass out of yourself constantly. This tears you up & you start the whole cycle over again, trying to impress the people who dislike you the most; you simply cannot win, nor can you understand why.
Hope this helps, Spagnum. You're the biggest Shlongy wannabee EVAR!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're far from "gifted", assface.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did you really come back with, "I'm smarter than you"??
Good one! LOLZ!! ***Snorts*** OMGZ!!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually appreciate your commentary quite a bit, Icarus1987. Incidentally, I am both a lazy and gifted writer; however, as my daze of pot smoking fall behind me, I find a rainbow road stretching before me, and am bouyed by the knowledge that rock-hard work and ceaseless dedication are all that will carry the intrepid young author towards the floating-in-the-sky castle of his or her dreams. Thus, as each day I eat healthfully from my Farmer's Market job, and take a healthy supplement of multivitamins, I feel my brain stretching and thoughtfully observing its swollen forearms... first to admire, then to flex, then to lift.
Thanks for your comments, again, you are a concise and prurient editor.
It's a shame I'm as lazy as I am, but hell, I'm getting over it : )
-chinaski
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Case in point: what makes a villain a villain? Simply put, his or her words, deeds, and other concretes that demonstrate their ethos. Take a signature villain like the Sherrif of Nottingham. We know the Sherrif is a violent, oafish fop not because the author imparts said wisdom in editoreal commentary, but because, as the story progresses, we watch him overtax the poor, conspire against the rightful king, and swagger around town in puffy purple breeches. If the author needs to clearly and infallibly label who's right and wrong, they've failed as a story teller. The magic of writing works because you show; don't tell.
How does that apply to your post?
Take a look at the first half. It contained some good, concrete description. Never once did you have to come out and tell the reader that "the water was hot" or "my hand hurt quite a bit". Why? Because they were right there with you in the moment. Compare that to the second half, where the reader is harangued by editoreal calls and cheap shots -- "yuppie", "ungrateful", "cheap", and "slut" immediately jump to mind. Let's focus on the latter. What, in your eyes, imbues this character with "sluttish" qualities? Is it the babydoll tee that exposes her stretch marks and back tats? The low-riders with "Big Pussy" blazoned across the ass? The botox track marks along her eyebrows? We don't know; details are ommited to the point that they they seem downright irrelevant to the narrator. The only two you give are mentioned incidentally through dialogue -- almost like the main character waiting for any excuse to act like an ass.
Not only does this lower the reader's opinion of the author (which is sometimes irrelevant), but it also makes it difficult for you to make any overall point. How does the food stand anecdote relate to the hot water story? Was it the bleach-blonde couples pushing genetically engineered children in strollers outfitted with cup holders to proudly display their $4 cup of Starbuck's finest brown water? Were you endlessly distracted by snippets of popular songs rendered into Verizon ringtones? Did you overhear children arguing over whose daddy had the best Lexus? Hard to say, as everything was delivered in generalizations and stereotypes.
At best, you come off as a lazy, though gifted, writer. At worst, you come off as a neurotic twit who thinks the world owes him just because he's black. Don't feel inclined to award either.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First off, I didn't use www.thesaurus.com.
I used www2.I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you because I read voraciously (do you know what that word means?) as a child.edu.
Secondly,
___
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:22:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
I took a dump in the asparagus bin at the Farmer's Market.
___
Shlorty, that wasn't a dump. Your penis fell off and someone thought it was a miniature albino baby asparagus. You really made Chef Boysizeddick's day.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a great rant.
-1 for for overkill usage of Thesaurus.com
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sounds like one of Schlongy's favourite videos.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So what you're TRYING to say here is that you're a self-absorbed, sexist prick with a thesaurus.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolute classic.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I took a dump in the asparagus bin at the Farmer's Market.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-19 06:37:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Far be it for me to spoil the perfect +2 victory.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I grinned at her like a starving Russian street orphan to help her feel at ease"
Damn, when you're good, you're fucking awesome.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This slammed my doors: "I would have to masturbate with my feet for the next two weeks." Get out.
"I don't feel tardy..." - Van Halen
...... you mentioned guitar, that's just came over my speakers ++++
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-18 23:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this fucking rules.