Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines - Episode 1: Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother (1893 hits)
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Rating: 1.9 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-19 00:50:35 EDT
I'd never thought of Canadians as especially fertile, but on my 9 hour flight from London to Toronto I was entirely surrounded by infants. I coped with the incessant screaming and chair kicking remarkably well, but by the 44th rendition of "If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands" I was ready to chew my way through the fuselage and take my chances out on the wing. It's a good job I didn't, because I would have missed out on the hot towels, which occupied me for a good forty minutes as I tried to work out exactly what I was supposed to do with them. When somebody hands me a warm damp piece of cloth with a pair of tongs, the first thing I want to do is take off my shoes and socks and run it between my toes.
At Toronto I was supposed to have a two hour layover with which to negotiate the saga of American customs so I could get my connecting flight to St Louis. Alas, thanks to my plane arriving an hour late and the peculiar brand of 'efficiency' displayed by Air Canada staff, it was not to be. Everyone heading on to America was ushered out of the terminal and onto a bus. A stationary bus. A stationary bus with no driver. Ever aware that time was of the essence, I got off the bus and found someone in a fluorescent jacket because logic dictates that anyone wearing a neon coat would have been beaten half to death a long time ago if they weren't a bastion of useful information.
"Just get back on the bus, miss."
Well, ok then. After sitting on the bus for no apparent reason for another thirty minutes, with twenty other people all glancing nervously at their watches, a driver arrived and took us in what appeared to be the least efficient possible route between A and B. Forget 'as the crow flies', this was more like 'as the drunkard weaves'.
We finally got the terminal and joined a queue. I verified with an Air Canada guy that I needed to be in that queue even though myself and my luggage had been checked onto this particular flight before I had even left London, and my plane was due to depart in ten minutes. I made it to the desk and asked the woman what she needed to see.
"I don't know honey, you only come to me if you need something."
What the fuck? I'm not here to buy drugs or get advice on an insurance claim - you told me to get in the queue. I played the 'little lost English girl' routine for a few minutes and the instructions she gave me amounted to 'put your luggage on that conveyor belt, go upstairs, pick up your luggage, put it on another conveyor belt, go through customs, pick up your luggage again, put it on another conveyor belt.'
Does this make sense to anyone? With ten minutes until my flight was due to depart, I wasn't going to stand around and argue the fucking lunacy of it, so I just did what I was told. At the last luggage pickup before customs, I had 5 minutes left before departure and had broken out into a sweat. Where the fuck was my bag? Something snapped. I ran over the baggage services desk, pushed to the front of the queue and tossed down my opening conversational gambit of:
"I'm sorry, but what the fuck is going on here?! I'm dropping off and picking up bags like a motherfucker and it just doesn't make any fucking sense."
I won't give you the verbatim transcription of what followed, but needless to say there was a lot of swearing on my part and a rather inspirational mime of the pick-it-up-put-it-down baggage system they were operating.
"American security requirements, ma'am. Since 9/11"
Yes, that's right. Apparently the best way to prevent terrorism is to make the luggage transfer process so ear-bleedingly inefficient and nonsensical that ordinary law abiding citizens suddenly see taking their own lives with a massive explosion as a viable option. Way to go, America.
Turned out there was very little chance I was going to make it, and there wasn't another flight to St Louis until the next day. After a little more swearing, the baggage guy obviously decided he wasn't being paid enough to put up with this shit and just told me to run. He'd put my bag on the following days flight. I didn't need to be told twice and set off at a sprint towards customs, alternately muttering 'FUCK!' and 'SORRY!' as I barged through people to get to the front of the line. I was going to get on that sodding plane even if I had to climb up over the crowd and start running across people's heads.
Canadian customs was a breeze. The only thing they seemed concerned about was whether I had been or was planning to visit a farm. Far be it from me to infer that Canada is a nation of moose fuckers, but I can only assume this was because they suspected I had some bizarre bestial venereal disease with which I was planning to contaminate their "women."
By the time I reached American customs, I was the dictionary definition of 'cutting it very fucking fine indeed' and was in no mood for dicking about. The only accompaniment to the enraged buzzing in my ears was the constant refrain of 'you're going to miss your plane.....you're going to miss your plane....'
"Place your left index finger on the pad and hold it there......No ma'am, that's your pinkie......your INDEX finger..........the LEFT hand, ma'am....."
They must have thought I was a fucking retard - I'd lost all sense of left and right, and could no longer remember what fingers even were, nevermind which one was which. I hope I never get to see the digital photograph they took while I was having my fingerprints taken but I'm fairly certain the word "scowl" just doesn't cover it.
And now for the biggest and most brutal irony. They didn't even pat me down or put me through a metal detector. I could have been strapped with enough C4 or Kalashnikovs to take out the entire western hemisphere and they wouldn't have known it. I couldn't even get to the gate at London Heathrow without being patted down and having my bag searched, and rightly so, but American customs seemed much more concerned with being able to find out my nationality after I'd committed a crime, rather than preventing it in the first place.
I ran with the fury that only the threat of having to sit in Toronto airport for another 24 hours can provide, and practically body-slammed into the desk at the gate. They were just about to close it and had already taken me off the passenger list, but godammit if I'm going to be sweaty and out of breath it better be just after an orgasm or just prior to boarding a plane to St Louis. There was no way I was not getting aboard, and if I had to wait in St Louis an extra day for my clothes to arrive then so be it. I could live with that.
What I could not live with was the response they gave me when I explained what the baggage guy had said about putting my bag on the next flight.
"No ma'am, you're luggage cannot travel without you. It's a security breach. 9/11"
You are fucking kidding me.
"Look, your company, Air Canada, told me to do this. I don't care what you need to do to my bag - you can scan it, unpack it, have a pack of police dogs trample it, just do what you need to do to verify that there is nothing dodgy in it and then put it on a plane because I'm roadtripping for three weeks and I would really like to be able to change my clothes at some stage."
"It can't travel without you, ma'am. If you get on this plane we cannot send you your luggage."
Motherfucker. We 'discussed' it a little more, and by discussed I mean I lost my temper, then apologized, then lost my temper again. They were not going to budge and I, apparently, was going to spend my entire holiday in the same set of clothes. By the end of the three weeks they would probably be rigid enough that I could use them as a raft to sail back to England anyway.
"Ok, ok, I'll just get on the plane."
...To Be Continued...(with pictures, by god!)
User Reviews
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this was funny, I would of bitch slaped the last lady tho.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 12:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Far be it from me to infer that Canada is a nation of moose fuckers
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Bwahahahahaha!! Your writing is excellent.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah blah blah etc etc
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eddie, the Pusher.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's pronounced Canadia
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-20 01:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, fuck, that was supposed to be a +2. I don't know what happened. Fuck I'm stupid.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-20 01:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was as eloquent and hilarious a description of how much post-9/11 travel has come to suck as I've ever read. I think you got double-screwed because you three countries were involved in the process, so you had Canadian customs as well as additional transit-to-US security. The bus was probably the fault of the Toronto airport.
Whenever I'm in a security line I like to tell the people around me, "Ahhh, airport security: all the inconvenience and delay of real security, but without the actual security."
Submitted by Technoboy (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yes, that's right. Apparently the best way to prevent terrorism is to make the luggage transfer process so ear-bleedingly inefficient and nonsensical that ordinary law abiding citizens suddenly see taking their own lives with a massive explosion as a viable option. Way to go, America."
This is the first thing that I've read on the interweb that's actually made me laugh out loud in ages.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love your writing! Can't wait for the rest.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont get why you cant take your luggage...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 Episode 2
UberMadness is making me work for my hits.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've experienced Ontario.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:29:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this post after wading through some absolutely painful Ubermadness submissions was like getting a blowjob after trying to use my penis to hammer nails.
======================
I'm not even rating them anymore. After all these fuckers did to get into the actual contest itself...
*shakes head*
*imagines FA giving me a blowjob*
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything to keep the sky from falling.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Leroy_Brown (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:49:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Phd. investigation of 9/11 http://www.voxfux.com/features/stranger_than_fiction.htm
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would you look at this. The Jews are responsible for the WTC/Pentagon bombings.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Leroy_Brown (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phd. investigation of 9/11 http://www.voxfux.com/features/stranger_than_fiction.htm
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this post after wading through some absolutely painful Ubermadness submissions was like getting a blowjob after trying to use my penis to hammer nails.
Thank god for you, Filthy. Oh, and sorry to hear about your troubles.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha.....awesome.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice writing style, expresses well your feelings of distress and haste.
PFFRHAHAHAHAHHA
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. You are a chick and you are a hardass.
Sex = you get.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:14:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
What I can't work out is whether you're a dude or a chick. Everyone's calling you "miss" and "ma'am" yet you are potentially contaminating "their women" and you're "balls deep" in something.
What the fuck are you?
====
Many have wondered. Filthy has answered:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/40190
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick some arse, girl.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-07-19 03:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What I can't work out is whether you're a dude or a chick. Everyone's calling you "miss" and "ma'am" yet you are potentially contaminating "their women" and you're "balls deep" in something.
What the fuck are you?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-07-19 02:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your suffering amuses me.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
9/11 wasnt some mastermind's plan, it was the spontaneous idea of a bunch of people who had to go through US customs.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Flithy, you could have stayed with me!
I have clothes you can wear.
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, we had this whole thing about bombs in luggage on airplanes, or something. National day of mourning, etc.
I dunno. There was a big fuss about it a little while ago. Now they seem to be really touchy about it.
Jerks.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap.
That sucks.
I blame george bush personally.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahah!!!
It fucking sucks to be you. Really, really hard. Sucks. Fucking HOOVERS. Being you SUCKS.
Okay, done now.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-19 01:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont get it.
i have never, never had a problem with airline security in the 20+ flights Ive taken both international and domestic.
its so weird.
+2 sympathy