Just for Doubting Me (545 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TimeCop (View user info) at 2005-07-19 02:45:20 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
A lot of you have heard of a little asshole named "Skylar Stone," the host of the show "Con" on Comedy Central.
It's not even his real name.
I knew the asshole back in highschool. He "acted out," according to his ultra-Catholic family. At least, that's what they tried to tell the headmaster of his ultra-Catholic private school before he got kicked out. He wound up in my homeroom, trying to do his little cons to pick up girls, get out of tests, and the usual.
He was nothing compared to me.
But no one ever saw that, because he was always getting caught. I slid through every one of my hoodwinks. I never even took a test or wrote an essay in highschool, but someone I managed to get into all Advanced-Placement classes. I never had a job, but I was getting a steady cash-flow running an underground betting ring on school sports.
He knew about a few of my hijinks by putting two-and-two together, but he couldn't appreciate the pure mastery that is an undiscovered con.
He started bragging, telling everyone how much better he was than me. How he was ahead of me in the game. He doubted I could do anything like he did.
I needed to get him so well that everyone would know that I reign supreme.
It started at homeroom, when he mentioned how upset he was that he would be out of town at a scholarship conference and not be able to celebrate his sisters eighteenth birthday.
Skylar loved his sister more than anything. She was smart, funny, polite, nice, and extremely Catholic.
And, while he was at the conference, I was going to have sex with her.
Three days later, when Skylar was gone, I stood directly in his sister Katherine's route to school, holding a map and looking confused.
His sister was prepared to just pass me by, until she saw the St. Mary's sweater I had just bought at the thrift store.
"Excuse me, but I didn't know there was another Catholic school around here," she commented.
I laid on a thick Irish accent. "I'd have better luck if there was! St. Mary's is my old school. I just moved here, and I can't seem to find my way to St. Michael's!"
Her face lit up. "That's where I go! Are you attending?"
I nodded. "Starting next semester. I've got to meet with the headmaster today. You know, say hello to an old family friend and all."
"You know the headmaster?!? Wow! Say, why don't you walk with me and I'll show you the way!"
We go to the school and, before she waves goodbye, she slips me an address. "Why don't you come by tonight for dinner? My parents' would love to meet someone so connected to our school!"
I counted on this. From what I had heard about her parents, they were the biggest suck-ups on the planet. Any way to get a little higher up on the social chain was utilized.
I came to dinner later that evening, and they had pulled out all the stops. I listened to the father tell me about the grand Irish feast his wife had prepared. "It'll be just like you never left home!" I glance into the kitchen trashcan on my way into the dining room. Sure enough, it's full of take-out boxes from Bennigan's.
As we're sitting down, the mother looks at me and asks if I'd like to lead us in a prayer before we start.
As we bowed our heads, I drew a blank. I couldn't remember any part of that Lord's Prayer, except something about kingdoms. I felt like Ben Stiller in "Meet the Parents." So I played along, and went with the first that sounded like a prayer I could think of.
"And shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, power hath descended forth from thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command. We shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti."
"What a lovely prayer! You'll have to teach us that one!" The father was thoroughly pleased with what many of you will recognize as the prayer spoken by the brothers in the movie "The Boondock Saints." Right before they killed people.
"Sorry, sir, but it's a family prayer," I replied.
Later, Katherine and I were out for ice cream, and I was laying the move's down fairly heavily. She kept trying to bring the conversation around to my connection to her school, and if I had any sway with the judicial board. "My brother got kicked out of school a year ago, and we've been trying to get him back in for a while now, but it'd be a lot easier with some...help." The last word was accompanied by her foot sliding up and down the inside of my thigh.
Tow hours later, we were fucking in her room. And my camera was going off left and right. During the Position Impossible, the Prison Pretzel, the Apple Dumpling Bang. I went through so much sexual crap that, in the end, actual feces were involved.
I promised to call her.
Skylar was at school the next day, bragging about how he would have scholarships in the bag now that he was getting back into his old private school. "Yeah, my sis met some guy who's ultra-powerful there, and he's gonna get me back in!"
"Oh, really? Nice guy?"
"My parents says he is, and Katherine likes him, but I haven't met him yet."
I threw a picture on his desk. "He probably looks something like that," I explained.
There's nothing like the look of shock that registers on an 18-year-old boy's face when he sees and 8"x10" photo of his sister, covered in shit, receiving a full variant Flying Camel from behind by yours truly. And the caption: Just for doubting me.
Give up the show, Skylar. You still haven't pulled off anything better.
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:33:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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