For the Future (317 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hot n' Lusty Rawrg (View user info) at 2005-07-19 05:14:38 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Oh for the love of Christ, I'll never make the deadline now. My argument's all shot to hell and I haven't got a thing left to say. I knew that if I waited, I'd panic, why? Why can't I just have the discipline to do things on time?
Alright, alright, calm down. You can think of a way to salvage this. The boss doesn't need it on his desk for another... 45 minutes. I forgot my watch is 5 minutes fast too! Damn! OK... Ok... ok... I'll rework my opening statement. Let's see...
"The end of the road comes quickly for some, but it's only because they live life in the fast lane."
Oh God! How cliché can I get? Can't an original thought come out of my brain for once? Oh well, it's what I've got. I work for a newspaper for crying out loud. It's no big deal, I'll just figure out a way to neutralize the one-sidedness, let's see.
"Well, that's what I used to think, but after one looks into the tragedy at Mound City, could it be that the roads were simply unsafe? Could some potholes have been filled before some schmuck still riding on a set of defective Wilderness AT tires rolled over one and caused a ten car pile up?"
Oh for the love of... Can't stop now. Got to keep going.
"You'd have thought that someone would have reported a pothole the size of Arlo McCann at some point. You couldn't avoid him, in the news, the townsfolk of Mound City. He had become infamous."
Ok, infamous for what now...
"Infamous like that one guy in the red and white striped cape... He was the local magistrate for a small Scottish city that was burned to the ground by William Wallace. He killed the woman he fancied in an attempt to draw him out, but William Wallace would not be ruled. Especially by a guy who looked like a Medieval Waldo, I mean, come on, what was with that cape?"
I've now lost it. I hate my job. Hell, I've probably lost my job. This is it: I have nothing to say. I'll just go with it.
"So anyways, William Wallace rode on to find the magistrate's taylor and kill him for fashion crime. Not that Wallace had much to say in that department, but kilts are much more bad of ass than a striped cape in my humble opinion, or imho as lazy people on the internet often say."
Hmm, the internet, there's a segue...
"And that's exactly what Arlo McCann would type every night to unsuspecting priests, posing as a little boy offering himself sexually to any who would take the bait."
I wish I were making this up...
"Arlo's attempts were fruitfully rewarded as many men, and some women, would show up at his doorstep to engage in a little prepubescent hanky panky."
Hmm... maybe I should reword that... damn, no time, 21 minutes to go, got to keep going.
"After awhile though, Arlo got curious, so he didn't shave for a few months and hired a man in a yellow hat to show him things. After another while though, he frustrated the man to the point of suicide, so he lived in a lavish hotel for a short period of time under the moniker of Dunsten, causing all kinds of mayhem and general unrest."
Mmm, pop culture, what a copout...
"Yet none of these satisfied his curiosity for who of the powerful American elite, would find his boyish E-charms to their fancy. So he started writing to well known Hollywood pedophile Jeffrey Jones, however when he said that he was not 'hung like a Clydesdale' he was promptly blocked from his chat program, and no further updates to his xanga.com website were made in reference to 'the boy I might fuck later this week'"
Got to get back on track.
"Like most men when in doubt about their miniscule endowments, he did the next best thing to having a large penis: he lied about having one. His new screen name, 'BlessedInThePants 11/m' was soon drawing the attentions of anyone he solicited, which included city councilmen, corporate CEO's, presidential aides and half of the NBA"
Damn it, I misspelled NAMBLA, no time to correct typos...
"When the hopeful boy-craving soldier of lust would appear at his doorstep, he would simply open the door, take a photo and hand him a fun size Butterfinger, because he figured pedophile's loved peanut butter. He said it had something to do with how the Fraggles on Fraggle Rock loved to eat plastic and how kids loved Fraggle Rock. Doctors at a local hospital have unofficially diagnosed Arlo with Crazy Fuck Syndrome, or CFS in the medical industry."
Ok, time to wrap this up... Goodbye job, I must admit, being able to pay the bills was nice, but America has a fine welfare program.
"Sadly though, Arlo died this week. I'd like to say that William Wallace rode into his bedroom at night and crushed his skull for making him ride all the way from Scotland to his Kansas countryside home for a little nookie. Sadly enough, he was murdered on his door step at the age of 43. Doctors deemed his cause of death as natural causes citing that it was 'naturally bound to happen at some point.' 'You just don't fuck with pedophiles...' Doctor Richards of the local hospital staff stated to me privately. '...unless you're a little boy... or girl."
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:32:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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