For the Future (810 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: -0.2 on 74 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-19 05:20:03 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Oh for the love of Christ, I'll never make the deadline now. My argument's all shot to hell and I haven't got a thing left to say. I knew that if I waited, I'd panic, why? Why can't I just have the discipline to do things on time?Alright, alright, calm down. You can think of a way to salvage this. The boss doesn't need it on his desk for another... 45 minutes. I forgot my watch is 5 minutes fast too! Damn! OK... Ok... ok... I'll rework my opening statement. Let's see...
"The end of the road comes quickly for some, but it's only because they live life in the fast lane."
Oh God! How cliché can I get? Can't an original thought come out of my brain for once? Oh well, it's what I've got. I work for a newspaper for crying out loud. It's no big deal, I'll just figure out a way to neutralize the one-sidedness, let's see.
"Well, that's what I used to think, but after one looks into the tragedy at Mound City, could it be that the roads were simply unsafe? Could some potholes have been filled before some schmuck still riding on a set of defective Wilderness AT tires rolled over one and caused a ten car pile up?"
Oh for the love of... Can't stop now. Got to keep going.
"You'd have thought that someone would have reported a pothole the size of Arlo McCann at some point. You couldn't avoid him, in the news, the townsfolk of Mound City. He had become infamous."
Ok, infamous for what now...
"Infamous like that one guy in the red and white striped cape... He was the local magistrate for a small Scottish city that was burned to the ground by William Wallace. He killed the woman he fancied in an attempt to draw him out, but William Wallace would not be ruled. Especially by a guy who looked like a Medieval Waldo, I mean, come on, what was with that cape?"
I've now lost it. I hate my job. Hell, I've probably lost my job. This is it: I have nothing to say. I'll just go with it.
"So anyways, William Wallace rode on to find the magistrate's taylor and kill him for fashion crime. Not that Wallace had much to say in that department, but kilts are much more bad of ass than a striped cape in my humble opinion, or imho as lazy people on the internet often say."
Hmm, the internet, there's a segue...
"And that's exactly what Arlo McCann would type every night to unsuspecting priests, posing as a little boy offering himself sexually to any who would take the bait."
I wish I were making this up...
"Arlo's attempts were fruitfully rewarded as many men, and some women, would show up at his doorstep to engage in a little prepubescent hanky panky."
Hmm... maybe I should reword that... damn, no time, 21 minutes to go, got to keep going.
"After awhile though, Arlo got curious, so he didn't shave for a few months and hired a man in a yellow hat to show him things. After another while though, he frustrated the man to the point of suicide, so he lived in a lavish hotel for a short period of time under the moniker of Dunsten, causing all kinds of mayhem and general unrest."
Mmm, pop culture, what a copout...
"Yet none of these satisfied his curiosity for who of the powerful American elite, would find his boyish E-charms to their fancy. So he started writing to well known Hollywood pedophile Jeffrey Jones, however when he said that he was not 'hung like a Clydesdale' he was promptly blocked from his chat program, and no further updates to his xanga.com website were made in reference to 'the boy I might fuck later this week'"
Got to get back on track.
"Like most men when in doubt about their miniscule endowments, he did the next best thing to having a large penis: he lied about having one. His new screen name, 'BlessedInThePants 11/m' was soon drawing the attentions of anyone he solicited, which included city councilmen, corporate CEO's, presidential aides and half of the NBA"
Damn it, I misspelled NAMBLA, no time to correct typos...
"When the hopeful boy-craving soldier of lust would appear at his doorstep, he would simply open the door, take a photo and hand him a fun size Butterfinger, because he figured pedophile's loved peanut butter. He said it had something to do with how the Fraggles on Fraggle Rock loved to eat plastic and how kids loved Fraggle Rock. Doctors at a local hospital have unofficially diagnosed Arlo with Crazy Fuck Syndrome, or CFS in the medical industry."
Ok, time to wrap this up... Goodbye job, I must admit, being able to pay the bills was nice, but America has a fine welfare program.
"Sadly though, Arlo died this week. I'd like to say that William Wallace rode into his bedroom at night and crushed his skull for making him ride all the way from Scotland to his Kansas countryside home for a little nookie. Sadly enough, he was murdered on his door step at the age of 43. Doctors deemed his cause of death as natural causes citing that it was 'naturally bound to happen at some point.' 'You just don't fuck with pedophiles...' Doctor Richards of the local hospital staff stated to me privately. '...unless you're a little boy... or girl."
- VS -
Entry 2
-Sacrificing your life for country is patriotic.-Staying alive is instinctual.
What are the purposes for both?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How could he not see it coming? How come it caught everyone by surprise? Who was behind all this? Terrorists? Osama? Saddam? Bush? Putin? Kim Jong II?
Jimmy didn't have any answers. All he knew he was fighting for his life, his future on this planet. He was alone, hungry, thirsty, and desperate to live. Jimmy's mind raced with questions.
-How did they get here unnoticed?
-What really happened to New York, Miami, Los Angeles, Washington, Boston, Chicago, and who knows where else?
-Why was this going on?
At that moment Jimmy stuck his head out of the crater, it was silent. In the distance he saw one of Charlotte's many water fountains still working, it had probably been a good 12 hours since Jimmy had any food or drink. He took a second look and then ran, quickly ducking under a turned over jeep along the way. Still with no sign of anyone he rushed to the fountain and began to drink.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE SOLDIER" a tumbling voice echoed down Jimmy's ears. "Slowly place your hands on your head."
This was it, Jimmy thought. He tried to stay alive this long but now it be all in vain.
"Turn around, what regiment are you from?"
"I..I don't know sir" Jimmy stuttered.
"How do you not know......Jenkins?"
When Jimmy turned around he realized the large husky voice was that of a military high ranking sergeant, lieutenant or major, he had a lot of stripes and stars on his jacket. Jimmy also realized that he called him Jenkins. He never noticed that the military jacket he took had a name on it.
"I...I'm not a soldier s-s-s-sir. I...I took it from a d-d-dead soldier to keep w-w-w-warm last night, m-my name is J-J-Jimmy" Jimmy always stuttered when he was nervous.
"Everyone is a soldier in times like this, The name's Lieutenant Fred Donnelly" He answered while lowering his gun and putting out his hand to shake, seeing that Jimmy was not a threat. "Get some water quickly, we should get into hiding. They'll probably be sending a mop up crew soon."
Jimmy still didn't know who 'they' were but knew that staying with Fred was probably his best chance to stay alive. They headed into a basement of a one of the major bank buildings that came down not so long ago. The city was evacuated, so it seems that there were few casualties.
They both sat and rested for a few moments.
"Are you hungry?" Fred asked holding out some sort of protein pack.
"Yeah th-thanks" Jimmy casually answered not to show how hungry he really was.
"Who are they?" Jimmy asked between bites. "What is h-h-happening out there?"
"I'm not sure." Fred answered. "I've been fighting in Florida and we got driven out, its all gone, Miami, Tampa, Orlando, Jacksonville, Tallahassee. They're pushing up the coast I just came from Atlanta and that is a lost cause."
"They???"
"They are everybody, They are called the Coalition for Earth Freedom or something like that I've only heard bits and pieces, apparently since the early 70's countries around the world have been planning a world scale attack on us."
"But don't we have the best and biggest army?"
"No they have the best and biggest army, that is why I pulled my gun on you earlier, more than half of our generals are on their side, we're fighting our own people, plus millions more. The treason ran so deep that the attack was covered up until this chaos started three weeks ago."
"But there must be more like you, right Fred?" Jimmy said feeling safer being with a military officer.
"My company is gone, mostly lost in Florida and the rest in Atlanta, I'm just trying to find more people to fight for the future of our Country."
"I'm fighting to stay alive. I thought coming back to an evacuated city was the best place to hide." Jimmy quickly responds.
Fred stopped and stared at Jimmy. Jimmy suddenly didn't feel at ease anymore.
"Hide from what? Do you have a family, Jimmy?"
"I d-d-d-did."
"A girlfriend or even a friend?"
Jimmy thought about it for a while, he knew people but he would never call them friends and he couldn't even remember the name of the girl he last slept with.
"No, s-s-s-so?"
"Neither do I, my country is all I got now and I will keep fighting. I've lost more friends and family in the last three weeks to count. I'll be damned if I stop working towards bettering my country. Hiding is for those who are scared of their past. You have to realize sometimes the future is all you have to look forward to, no matter what it looks like. I'm going to go back out to fight and find others who have that will with or without you but don't waste my time and food if..."
Jimmy heard the window break.
Next thing he knew Fred he heard Fred yell something, but Jimmy knew to get down.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The noise was unbearable, Jimmy found a corner and covered his head and felt debris everywhere, and he just concentrated on his breathing to stay alive. After the vibrations and the noise softened, Jimmy tried to get up, his legs were buried under concrete ruble but they seemed to be unharmed. In the dust he looked around for Fred.
There Fred was, right beside him, crushed under a fallen wall, there is no way he was still alive. Jimmy lay in his corner freeing his legs staring at a motionless Fred thinking about his own life. He had no past to run from and no future to go to.
Jimmy finally figured out what Fred was talking about, the only way to get a future is to fight for the future.
Jimmy picked up Fred's rifle and stormed out of the building.
Entry 1:
Barlow
bob
darko
Deidra
dodahdave
DonkeyOnTheEdge
Hirilnara
Katastrofadark
LadyPlural
loki
MandaPanda
Merlina
Method
NetProphet
Pentameter
RandomJose
Rawrg
RyuFu
Slovin
Snark
stevie_says
Stin
TM
zakalwe
22 eligible votes (24 total) *
Entry 2:
absolutes
Adamdidit2u
alragusa
AshyLarry
AsshOly
badassmofo
bigbabylons
BLITZKREIG_BOB
c1ndy
CaptainThorns
CLAIRE1
comicbookguy
Coyote
Davros
doctorj24
DonovanMD
ess-arr
FunnyAsCancer
iddqd
Impassive-Digressive
indoninja
Jack_McCallum
jgreening
JMG114
JonnyX
kimmy02721
Kre8rix
lordofduct
Magicaddict
munkeypants
Natsukau
nitty34
notyou
rad1101
SiskelandFatboy
Soley_Trinity
sparkle_pink
spedmonkey
swamp_donkey
thecaes
Viciousriffs
William_Q_Percy
youarsoghey
38 eligible votes (43 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-07-22 15:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God I rule.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-22 14:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
way to show up rawrg, you could have had me.
g-luck next time.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i was torn here.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-21 05:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-21 05:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-21 05:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-07-20 19:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Barlow (user info) at 2005-07-20 18:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-20 18:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My goddamn EYES.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 by default.
2 wasn't too bad, there just didn't seem to be anything there, no emotion, nothing.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were decent, both had grammatical errors.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-20 10:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Author 1 - You are funny, but don't try so hard, it loses it's edge. The format was a little confusing, I had to read it a few times through to get what was going on. I don't really see how your entry had anything to do with the title...
Author 2 - I was sort of lukewarm on yours. Cool idea of a global attack on the US, major treason, etc. But I think you focused on the wrong character... you could've done more with it, I think.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-20 03:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What in the atrophied penis of Jesus is going on here?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-20 02:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RandomJose (user info) at 2005-07-20 01:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hah, actually this was the 7th one I've reviewed in a row. It's all starting to run together...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my fifth Ubermadness review in a row. I can't handle this any more. It's like getting pummelled with a pillowcase full of nickels.
Aaaaaanyway...number 2 because at least I knew what it was trying to get at. I didn't see the point of the narrator of #1 and his constant second thoughts of what he was writing. If you wanted to write an anti-pedophile post, you should have just done it instead of hiding behind a fictitious author under some sort of weird deadline.
In a real war I think J-j-j-j-jimmy would be one of the first to bite it.
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to regret this, but I had to go with Crazy Fuck Syndrome.
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-19 18:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And the crap continues ...
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
R vs e-a?
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
both pretty shitty, but whereas post #1 tried to be cute and masquerade as a serious newspaper article to mask to shittiness, post #2 stood fully erect, balls dangling in the breeze, PROUD in its ghey shittiness.
So it gets my vote.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Did #1 have anything to do with the title? Waste of time all around.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70791#1452294
Author #2, the FedEx guy just left my place. Expect a package tomorrow morning.
Author #1, that was a decent slice of something different.
Submitted by alragusa (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't really like either
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Fuck that shit.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by TM (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://imdb.com/title/tt0119925/
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i only voted to see the score
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do I need to say how unbelievable #2 is? More detail godammit!
But #1 is normal posting bullshit, not for this
SO #2 GETS THE SQUARE!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-19 10:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um... #1, just, uh, just wondering... Eh?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-19 09:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm... First one seemed less contrived.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-07-19 08:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stevie, I hope you didn't write number 1.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
At least 1 entertained me.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-07-19 07:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first one confused me. The second one had a decent twist of being in the states.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 06:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My post no longer counts http://www.ubersite.com/m/71008
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-19 06:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ermmm... if your watch was 5 minutes fast that means you'd have 50 minutes to go!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-19 06:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, Author 1, what the fuck are you smoking, and where can I get some?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-07-19 06:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
two was obvious, but one was bad.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
flipped a coin on this one.
again.
(1,000,000 concrete rubles = $1.62 USD)
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-19 05:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment