Take My Hand (1224 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.4 on 99 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by UberMadness! (View user info) at 2005-07-19 11:40:07 EDT
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This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
Dinner was nice, a quiet place the two of them had stumbled across when they first began going out several years ago. The soft music in the background and the darkness of a romantic environment always reminded them of how quickly they had fallen for each other.The ride home was quiet, very little conversation filled the Sport utility vehicle they bought with the birth of their second child, but it was a comfortable silence, his hand covered hers and rested on her thigh as he drove through the light rain.
Kim: "We need some things from the store, hun. Can you stop at Randolph St?"
David: "Sure. Have you checked with your mother, to see if James and Jack are fine?"
Kim: "No, She would call if anything was wrong. But, I'll call" she replied digging through her bag.
Placing the phone next to her ear, she reached up with her left hand and began to rub the back of David's head, with a soft, loving look. David looked back, puzzled because she was not talking in the phone. Normally, her Mom would answer on the first ring, paranoid something was wrong if anyone called her.
Kim: "Hmm, that's odd, no answer. I'll try again in a minute, she may be in the bathtub or something"
David: "I am going to drive by, ok?"
Kim: "Sure, are you going to pick them up or let them stay?"
David: "We'll just stop by and say hi, they can stay if they like. But, I think something is wrong"
Turning left at Randolph, instead of stopping at the market, the SUV headed out into the country while Kim tried her Mom again.
David, without saying anything, floored the Suburban. The engine red-lined, and suddenly Kim noticed what he had seen. Smoke was rolling into the dark night above the trees that lined the street leading to her home. It could have been any house along the street, but deep down David knew it was only one.
As they drew closer their fears were realized and panic set in. The SUV slid to a stop, diagonally in the front yard and David was out, and in a full sprint for the door by the time the vehicle came to a stop. With a lunging kick, the oak door flew open and smoke bellowed out into the yard, as Kim frantically dialed 911. Flames had engulfed the roof of her beautiful home, David reappeared on the front porch with Katherine, Kim's Mother, coughing and covered in black soot. He laid her on the front lawn for the arriving fire men to attend to, and returned to the burning structure.
"James!..JACK!" he shouted, listening for their cries for help, but nothing. He scurried up the stairs to the bedrooms and kicked in the doors, no sign of either. He looked in the bathroom, the master bedroom, and the utility room with all the toys spread across the carpet, now melting. Nothing.
David began to scream, crying at God, for help in finding his two sons. Returning to the room they both slept in he noticed the window was open. Covering his face with his right arm, protecting himself from the blaze, he fought his way over and looked out. James was on the roof of the porch, crying hysterically in fear.
"DAD!"
"I'm coming James, hold on" he replied with a level of calm that was unexplainable.
"Jack wouldn't come out"
"Where is Jack, son?"
"Under bed" James pointed with his 7 year old finger.
"James, I will be right back, I have to get Jack and then we can go home, OK?"
"K, Dad, hurry. I'm scared"
David looked under the bed and found his 4 year old son, the child that had made him smile every day for over four years, cowering beneath a burning bed, his PJ's were gone, in a pile burning less that 5 feet from him.
"Jack!"
"Help me Daddy"
"Here son, take my hand. Hurry up."
Going back for James, David wondered how he could get his children to safety. Despite her hysterical claims, he knew that he couldn't drop them to Kim, she couldn't catch them.
"Get me a ladder, tell the Fire Department, we're over here."
Kim took off around the corner, and returned with several firemen. Everything was going to be OK.
- VS -
Entry 2
The manor was within view when Aleister stopped in the street. Its portico dangled lifelessly over the darkened entrance like the mouth of a minacious beast - cold and cadaverous - dead and dirgeful - like still winds over a nameless tomb. Old vines dangled like shadowy strands of rotten sinew, covering the columns of its rickety, wooden teeth. This didn't look like the place spoken about on the card, he thought, as he double-checked the address: 37 Hazel Bend.To his astonishment, this was the right place.
A few careful and diffident steps later, he had passed through the beastly mouth of the portico, and found himself trembling slightly before a large, imposing door. Iron gargoyles watched over the entrance like a pair of ancient argus, and in his mind's eye, Aleister thought for a moment he saw them crawling and sliding along the casement - eyes bulging outward toward him.
The card had given clear instructions not to knock. "Just come in," it said, "you're always welcome here." Aleister didn't feel at all welcome, and, out of the creeping foreboding now growing in the pit of his stomach, he almost decided to turn back - but, as it is wont to do, the curiosity of the mind often speaks louder than its caution, and Aleister peeled the door open slowly.
"Hello?"
Aleister's trembling voice echoed through the beast's dusty guts, and the odor of untold ages stabbed his nostrils as he strained to see inside.
A faint, red glow down the hallway ahead drew him further in as a sudden chilly draft rushed past, creaking the door gently shut behind him. Aleister felt the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand immediately on end. Briefly he remembered being told as a child that this happened because someone has just walked upon your grave, as he continued toward the light.
The end of the hallway opened into an opulent room with plush red velvet and golden fringe that seemed to cover everything. All around him, the whirr of human activity arouse as if from nowhere, and soothed away his tremulous thoughts.
Men dressed in their evening finest - button-down vests and bowties, long-tailed coats and 24ct. gold cuff links - stood puffing cigars and chatting felicitously. The women, on the other hand, were flowing ornaments of lace and tassel - draped in ritzy fabrics and adornments so magnificent as to almost be bordering on the theatrical. Cocktail waitresses brought drinks to posh-looking gentlemen sitting at poker tables who tipped them in chips and flirted unabashedly - hands on their fannies.
In another corner, a roulette wheel spun 'round rapidly as eager onlookers reveled in the prospect their potential winnings. A juggler made his way through the room, to the delight of several spectators, tossing some number of cocktail glasses in the air that could not be determined.
Aleister breathed a sigh of relief. So this was a casino after all; one never would have guessed by standing on the street. With an air of newfound confidence, Aleister sat down at one of the Blackjack tables alongside a man dressed in modest clothing. Across the table, the dealer smiled and welcomed Aleister to the game.
"Good evening, Sir, feel free to enter the game at any time."
The dealer then pushed what must have been a thousand chips across the table.
"I'm sorry. There must be some mistake. I can't afford this many chips."
"That's quite all right, Sir. The chips and the games are compliments of Mr. Lovecraft. Feel free to enter the game at any time."
With that, Aleister pushed in his bet and received his cards - immediately, an ace of hearts and an ace of diamonds.
"I'll split," said Aleister as he doubled his bet.
"Very well, Sir. Good luck." The dealer smiled and proceeded to turn over two queens, completing the double blackjack.
"HEY! Isn't that something! First hand too! Must be beginner's luck." Aleister turned to the other modestly dressed gentleman at the table, who'd also won his hand.
"Congratulations. You don't see that often. If only winning were always that easy, right..."
"Tell me about it. I guess it's a little easier to play the hand you've been dealt when it's a winning one." Aleister quipped, a little proud at his sudden display of wit.
"My name's Hewitt. Nice to meet you." The modestly dressed man extended his hand.
"You too, friend. The name's Aleister."
The two shook hands and exchanged conventionalities. Then, for what seemed like minutes, but must have been several hours thereafter, the two men each continued to amass a small fortune in chips while they discussed the ins and outs of their individual lives. Aleister learned that, like him, Hewitt had been lured to this place by an invitation he'd received unexpectedly in the mail, and, like him, Hewitt was a man of modest means - far removed from the apparent wealth of the rest of the casino's patrons.
As is custom with budding friends, the two exchanged phone numbers and decided they'd have to get together again sometime to have a beer and celebrate their massive winnings.
Two more hours flew by as the pair grew ever more heady with the incredible run of luck into which they'd fallen. Win after win, blackjack after blackjack, it seemed as if the hands they'd been dealt in life were taking a dramatic turn for the better right before their eyes.
Finally in the wee hours of the morning, as they were changing their chips, preparing to leave, a messenger approached them and informed them that Mr. Lovecraft would like to meet them both. Aware how casinos can often be a touch hostile toward those that win with incredible frequency, the two men stood for a moment understandably leery at what might come of this meeting. But, seeing how they had little option in the matter, the pair followed the messenger up a flight of stairs just off the casino floor to a balcony above. They were then lead to the door of a dimly lit room. The messenger ushered them in, and then left without saying another word.
The vague silhouette of a man behind a desk briefly illuminated as he puffed on a cigar. Neither Aleister, nor Hewitt knew what to say, and thought it best to remain quiet until addressed.
"So, Mr. McGregor...Mr. O'Riley...you've had a good time tonight in my casino, I trust?"
"Yes, sir. Thank you for the invitations, sir. We were just talking downstairs about wanting to meet the man who..."
"Really? That's good, cause I too have wanted to meet the both of you." Lovecraft cut them off.
"To what do we owe this pleasure, Sir? Why have you brought us here?" Hewitt asked.
"You are men of modest means, no? Until now, neither of you have ever had the luxuries that other men have enjoyed and yet taken for granted, no?" Puzzled, the two men looked at one another. "We all go through life playing the hand we've been dealt, gentlemen. Few of us are ever truly able to rise above that station and create another hand. Tonight was about helping the both of you do just that. After tonight, neither of you will ever be the quite the same again..." He paused. "You both have made life-altering sums of money, no?"
"Yes, sir. We've both done very w..."
"Good...good," Lovecraft again interrupted, "I trust that neither of you will ever speak a word of this place to anyone and that you will now both go out into the world and play the new hand you've been dealt on this evening. You are free to go."
Aleister started, "Sir, again we just want to thank you for..."
"I said you are free to go."
With that, the two men went home and slept in their beds, which somehow felt warmer, somehow more comfortable than ever before, and slept the deepest, most relaxing sleep of their lives...
Lovecraft was right. After several weeks it had become obvious that Aleister's life had changed. Even his own family now treated him differently. Sometimes the differences were pleasant. Sometimes they were disturbing. Overall, there was an abiding feeling something was not quite right, but he could never quite put a finger on what it was. But, in any case, the freedom of not having to work at that same old job anymore was a tradeoff Aleister was more than willing to accept.
Then, one night the phone rang. It was Hewitt.
"Aleister, it's nice to hear your voice. Look, buddy, we need to talk. Can you meet me at the Golden Goose on Grandview in an hour?"
"Sure." Aleister tried to say more, but by then Hewitt had hung up the phone.
--
Now the Goose is quiet...good place for a drink and a talk. The two men exchange conventionalities like the partial strangers they really are, but after this brief introduction to their meeting, Hewitt wastes no time getting to the point.
"Aleister, something is happening to me." His face is desperate and earnest, and in his eyes Aleister can see the look of one who had seen the transparency of something solid - the reality behind some elaborate façade.
"Dude, are you ok? You look like shit!"
"I think something terrible is going to happen to me."
"What's going on? You're starting to scare me."
"I keep having these dreams..." Hewitt lowers his voice to a whisper and leans in close to the table, eyeing the people around them like an argus. "I keep having these dreams, but they're more like visions... It's like I can see the future... I am drowning in this river, and you come along and hold out your hand... 'Take my hand' you say. I see your face. It's definitely you. It's you in the vision. Then I see myself reaching out my hand. All I see after that is black, like I'm underwater, and I wake up choking."
"Hewitt, we all have bad dreams, man. Is this what's bothering you? Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. Look, I know someone who will..."
"This is NOT IN MY FUCKING..." Hewitt stops and realizes he is shouting, looks around for a second, then continues in a whisper: "This is not in my fucking head. Look, I might have said the same thing, but for the water."
"Water? What Water?"
"The water in my fucking lungs! I cough it up whenever I have the visions. It's there. It's fucking real. It even tastes like river water. All this shit started that night we went to that casino. I know that asshole that runs it knows something. He did something to me, Aleister! He did something to both of us; I know it! And it's only a matter of time before you see it too!"
"Look, Hewitt, would it make you feel any better if we went back down to that casino together and spoke to that Lovecraft guy? Would that ease your mind?"
"I don't know if it would ease my mind, but I definitely have some questions for him."
"Look, I'll tell you what, let's just go down there right now. I've still got my invitation in my glove box. It says on it that I'm welcome anytime."
"Me too. Got mine right here in my pocket..."
--
It's a short drive to the address on the card - 37 Hazel Bend - only, when they arrive, the pair cannot believe their eyes...
Where the portico with its beastly mouth should be, there is an iron gate.
Where the iron gargoyles should be: a mausoleum.
Where the casino floor should be: a cluster of headstones.
As the two men read the inscription on the first stone in the cluster, their hearts sink into confusion...
HOWARD PHILLIPS LOVECRAFT
Born: August 20th 1890
Died: March 15th 1937
A little dusting of the stone with their hands reveals an epitaph.
"Ye stranger who passeth by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be,
so take my hand and follow me."
This ghastly reality, neither man wants to face, neither man wants to believe - but as the two of them walk deeper into the misty graveyard around them, they stumble across something that no earthly man is ever meant to find:
HEWITT EIN MCGREGOR
Born: April 17th 1974
Died: July 19th 2005
Drowned
ALEISTER EDWARD O'RILEY
Born: October 12th 1975
Died: July 19th 2005
Drowned
Entry 1:
Adamdidit2u
Bellebrown
c1ndy
Crystle
dodahdave
jgreening
MandaPanda
Mike00295
rad1101
The_Yellow_Dart
Vix
WildcatMcGee
Xcuses
9 eligible votes (13 total) *
Entry 2:
absolutes
Ainkara
badassmofo
bigbabylons
BLITZKREIG_BOB
bob
BuckeyesTHEGAME
CaptainThorns
comicbookguy
darko
Davros
Deidra
doctorj24
DonkeyOnTheEdge
DonovanMD
Ducky
electrictoothsyndrome
engine13
ess-arr
Exodus
FunnyAsCancer
gamma
godking
HadToBeDone
Harry_Manback
HZRD
Impassive-Digressive
indigogecko
indoninja
Jack_McCallum
JMG114
joedaddy
JonnyX
JSPANGLER
justagirl27
Katastrofadark
Kimba
kimmy02721
knucklesnelson
Kre8rix
LadyPlural
Lechuga
loki
Magicaddict
MANICMOTHER
Merlina
munkeypants
Natsukau
nitty34
notyou
NOWorNEVER
OnEdge
pantsarestupid
peckerhead
potatomanjack
RyuFu
salmonofdoubt
satchel
SiskelandFatboy
Slovin
Snark
sparkle_pink
SPECIALk
spedmonkey
SpikeGoddess
Stabkill
stevie_says
Stin
SullyThePirate
supersloth
Viciousriffs
William_Q_Percy
youarsoghey
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
zakalwe
66 eligible votes (75 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-22 23:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:41:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
Bad show, both of you. The random tense shift in Entry two was really annoying, as were the numerous grammatical errors. Entry one was equally shit, but for different reasons.
"A few careful and diffident steps later,"
CAREFUL AND DIFFIDENT ARE ANTONYMS, YOU CUNT.
-------------------
Oh yea, I forgot to respond to this...
Of all the reviews in this match, this one pissed me off the most.
Allow me the liberty of addressing the specifics of just where I think you've gotten off base...
ONE: There are NO goddamn grammatical errors in this piece. Although I know it was not the greatest piece in the world, it didn't have any grammatical errors in it, you cunt.
TWO: 'Careful' and 'diffident' are NOT ANTONYMS! I can't be fucking arsed to look it up, but I'm right. Accept it.
THREE: The tense shift was NOT RANDOM! It was entirely intentional, and considering the fact that it occurred precisely after a divisive "--" mark should have been an indication of that.
IF these aren't reasons enough to suggest that you go back to school, I don't know what would be.
Please pay attention people...READ THE FUCKING POSTS!
Don't open your mouth unless you know what you're talking about, please. It will only make you look stupid.
Submitted by crazybutsolazy (user info) at 2005-07-22 09:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1 ended a little fast
#2 was one of my favorite stories I've read so far! great job
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-21 06:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-21 02:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also...
HEWITT EIN MCGREGOR
It's Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Submitted by notyou (user info) at 2005-07-21 02:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked both.
1 just felt rushed, and 2 was an interesting idea.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-21 00:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No comment.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post #2. Absolutely excellent work.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by salmonofdoubt (user info) at 2005-07-20 21:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-07-20 20:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Exodus (user info) at 2005-07-20 18:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 had so much potential but nothing happened to it, the ending seemed rushed. 2 was about poker but was a bit better
Submitted by indigogecko (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#1, a few comments. Nice build up, well told.. but felt a little incomplete. Mostly however, tough draw.
#2, this was fantastic. I loved it. Half expected Aleister's last name to be Crowley.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bad show, both of you. The random tense shift in Entry two was really annoying, as were the numerous grammatical errors. Entry one was equally shit, but for different reasons.
"A few careful and diffident steps later,"
CAREFUL AND DIFFIDENT ARE ANTONYMS, YOU CUNT.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the people in the first story should have been plunged through the burning roof
H.P. Lovecraft's ghost just vomited in his mouth a bit
Submitted by Harry_Manback (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome ending.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by doctorj24 (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 ended too abruptly. #2 hardly held with the title, BUT it was written much better.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cause
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Simple action vs. stuffy big words....hmmm
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-20 11:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-07-20 10:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-07-20 09:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-07-20 09:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-07-20 07:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-20 07:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-07-20 06:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-07-20 04:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-07-20 02:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a blowout on number two. . .
Submitted by Impassive-Digressive (user info) at 2005-07-20 01:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-07-20 00:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
Submitted by justagirl27 (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i barely read #2, but 1 just left me wanting so much more :(
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2005-07-19 23:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone else think jack's comments on all of these ubermadness posts might be better than the posts?
--------------------
I think their just another sign of the superiority complex UM II gave him. First he hops up on his little soapbox that daddy wrote "Uberlord" on in spraypaint, and now he cracks wise at everyone else's stuff?
Pompous ass. That's all there is to say.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:29:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 - I'm so glad that nice family survived the raging CLICHE that almost got them
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:30:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone else think jack's comments on all of these ubermadness posts might be better than the posts?
--------------------
I think their just another sign of the superiority complex UM II gave him. First he hops up on his little soapbox that daddy wrote "Uberlord" on in spraypaint, and now he cracks wise at everyone else's stuff?
Pompous ass. That's all there is to say.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-19 22:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 - I'm so glad that nice family survived the raging CLICHE that almost got them
#2 - Quit trying to write for the twilight zone. Beastly mouth of the portico, indeed.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-07-19 20:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do mine even count?
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-19 20:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 was good, but the author nearly lost me at the begining with an over use of metaphors and similies.
Submitted by Kimba (user info) at 2005-07-19 18:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-07-19 18:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-07-19 18:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2005-07-19 17:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 was good until the lamest ending that ever lamed.
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:57:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Placing the phone next to her ear..."
I simply love the way you defy convention! Having her put the phone to her ear instead of gently nesting it between her buttocks per the norm was a masterstroke!
-------------------------
Anyone else think jack's comments on all of these ubermadness posts might be better than the posts?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by OnEdge (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gave me shivers, could have had a more intense ending, but great story.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Placing the phone next to her ear..."
I simply love the way you defy convention! Having her put the phone to her ear instead of gently nesting it between her buttocks per the norm was a masterstroke!
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the author of #2 got up to go to the bathroom, and an ogre stepped in to finish the story.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"David, without saying anything, floored the Suburban..."
--
Did he drop his pants and expose his enormous genitals or did he simply tell the vehicle a kick-ass joke?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"the Sport utility vehicle they bought with the birth of their second child..."
THEY TRADED THIER CHILD FOR A CAR!?!?!?!?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 sounds like a story I may have written in grade 4.
#2 was OK, which is better than #1
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Seriously, I just skimmed through entry two to make sure it didn't blow. #1 was moving along pretty well, but shit, what a horrible ending. I mean really, just bad, bad, bad.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Author #2... god GOD man! An actual story? What an oddity. Thank you, sir!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack: Jesus Christ, Author #1, what the fuck?
Author #1: What do you mean?
Jack: What is with the bizarre format for dialogue?
Author #1: What?
Jack: Have you ever read an actual novel before?
Author #1: Novel?
Jack: Oh for fuck sake!
Author #1: Fuck?
Jack: Jesus!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 all the way.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by JSPANGLER (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Close. Wasn't overly impressed with either.
-Dave
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good job, entry #2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't like the fussy language of number 2, but I felt number 1 needed more cowbell to be able to vote for it over the other.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were good I thought
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#2 got it because I hate when stories have dialogue in a script format.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sad, because entry one could have been much more embellished and a far better story. Both were good reads.
#2 wins in a landslide, though.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#2 was nice and creepy, well done!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 did less with the title.
Entry 2 dragged out to far.
Lesser of 2 evils...
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did they pay for the SUV (capitalized "Sport" for some reason and not the other two words) with their second child? Or better yet, with the birth of their second child?
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"...the Sport utility vehicle they bought with the birth of their second child..."
You've got to be kidding me, right? I couldn't get through the first bit of this entry, especially after the shortcut playwrite quotations.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-07-19 12:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In my life, I have never heard or read the word conventionalities.
I see it twice in the same post, and it makes me think someone is trying to use big impressive words to prop up a weak story.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-19 11:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment