Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines - Episode 2: AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! (1827 hits)
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Rating: 2 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-19 13:40:37 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Episode 1: Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
I spent the two hour flight from Toronto to St Louis scowling and shaking my head. I'd been awake and traveling since 5am British time - it was now approaching my midnight and the trip so far had been categorized by the word 'saga'. By Christ, I needed a beer.
I was sitting at the very back of the tiny domestic 'held together with thumbtacks' plane, the kind where you have to pay for your own beverage, and by the time the steward (who may also have been the pilot, judging by the way our craft was lurching about every time he appeared) got to me, he had no change left. I'd changed some money into dollars in London, but the smallest I had was a twenty. I thrust it in his direction and asked very politely for a beer. Initially he refused to accept it on the grounds that charging someone $20 for an already overpriced $5 beer just wasn't right, but acquiesced after listening to my ten minute explanation of why my journey so far had been akin to the twelve tasks of Asterix and "it's all gone fucking wrong dude, and the sun may be shining but its late and I'm tired and at this point I really couldn't give a toss. Please, for the love of god, just take my money and give me a beer."
I sipped and smiled, smiled and sipped. Even shitty $20 Canadian beer can solve most of life's problems. Including leprosy*
(*Only a hypothesis. FilthyAssistant is not liable for any mental or physical torment suffered as a result of taking her bullshit too seriously. Bullshit not intended to replace advice from a qualified healthcare professional.)
The plane touched down, I stormed off, mentally hissed at the baggage carousel and located my partner in road trip crime in the arrivals section. Politeness was at the bottom of the list of my concerns, so instead of a chirpy hello he was greeted with a barked "We need to find somewhere I can have a cigarette right fucking now."
We made our way outside on a nicotine quest, and my first impression of America can be accurately summed up by the question "Jesus Christ, are we on the surface on the sun?" It was hot. Damn hot. Hotter than two teenage girls soaping each other up in their underwear, and only slightly less moist. We still had the baggage saga to deal with but to even recount the staggering levels of ridiculous bureaucracy we had to go through to get any kind of help at all brings the red mist of ire down in front of my eyes and makes me want to frog march preschoolers into a field full of landmines. Let's just say it was an absolute fucking bitch, I saw a grown man take a woman from Air Canada to task over the phone whilst he was taking a shit, and I will never, ever, leave my bag behind under any circumstances, ever again. My luggage eventually arrived the following day on the same plane as The Oakridge Boys. I had no idea who the Oakridge Boys were and, after seeing one of their album covers, I wish I still didn't, but Brad chuckled about it for a good three days so apparently there's something funny in that detail.
As a brief interlude while I calm down from the remembered rage, allow me to recount one of the questions I had to answer in order to get into America. I had to fill this form in before they would let me through American customs, and I honestly thought it was a joke at first. When the terrible realization that they were serious dawned, I copied it into my notebook word for word, because lunacy like this deserves to be immortalized in an uber post:
"Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?"
Are you a terrorist?? Who is going to say yes to this?? Nazi fucking Germany?? I mean, seriously. What a fucking clown show.
We checked into a hotel and put the TV on. I was absolutely enthralled by the commercials. I don't watch a great deal of TV because it's a mind-numbing succubus, so we may well have all this shit in England but if we have, I haven't seen it. Adverts for boner pills, chemotherapy pre-treatment, every diet supplement ever made in the history of the world. It's absolutely fucking insane. Why would you advertise chemotherapy? I just cannot envisage a scene where you would look over at your life partner and say "You know what would really make our life better, honey?......Specific chemical agents that are selectively destructive to malignant cells and tissues. Wanna go get some?"
It's not exactly a Happy Meal, is it?
I honestly don't know how Americans cope with the constant bombardment of paranoia-inducing messages. During the course of a three minute commercial break the television had me convinced that not only was I a prime candidate for diabetes and cancer, but that I also desperately needed to do something about my prostate and for the sake of humanity should look into having extensive plastic surgery. By the time 'American Chopper' came back on, I was a broken woman. I'm just not man enough for American TV.
The following day we brought the baggage saga to a satisfying close and were more than ready to get the fuck out of dodge in the pursuit of some 'cool shit'.
I didn't appreciate the irony of this at the time, but now, with my American hymen thoroughly broken, I would like you to laugh heartily along with me:
We were going to head through Kansas.
Fucking Kansas!
...To Be Continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:20:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:14:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been through Kansass, and that picture is certianly not Kansass, I know because that's more civilization than I saw on my entire trip through the state, besides, there's not nearly enough sunflowers and cows.
===
That picture is Missouri, because this post is about being in Missouri. The next post is about Kansas, in which there will be a picture of Kansas. Am I losing some of you here?
--
right there
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 10:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA! Silly foreigner! I'M American and I don't even dare watch American TV. Lies! It's all Lies! And propaganda... I better go. They could be watching...
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-20 02:07:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:03:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:36:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
For reference, the coasts of america are a completely different country from the Jesusland you found yourself in.
===
That's right. Instead of being redneck assholes, they are just assholes :-D
---------------------------------
Touche', motherfucker.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love it or leave it
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-20 07:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?"
I too laughed at this question, however I was too drunk to write it down. It was 0930am at the time.
-Dave
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-07-20 04:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hotter than two teenage girls soaping each other up in their underwear, and only slightly less moist"
That's glorious! Can I use that?
When I was in Washington DC last year, I went to a museum (I forget which one) and in addition to the usual metal detectors/bag search bullshit, they pulled out my litre bottle of water & made me drink almost half of it in one go, just in case it was a flammable liquid. What was I going to do, firebomb a fucking museum?
Crazy yanks.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-20 02:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:03:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:36:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
For reference, the coasts of america are a completely different country from the Jesusland you found yourself in.
===
That's right. Instead of being redneck assholes, they are just assholes :-D
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-20 01:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect.
On my application for a Dutch residence permit I had to swear and affirm that I've never violated the UN Charter or committed any war crimes. So did my then 18-month old daughter. Luckily, apart from those 1500 Bosnian Serbs she machine-gunned, her record is spotless.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-20 00:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to travel around America, I think. Just to see for myself. It seems to be so wildly different from place to place.
Example. My cousin's car broke down in Colorado while he was following the Grateful Dead around (don't ask). Colorado. I don't think of hillbilly confederates when I think of Colorado. But apparently he found a pocket of them when he stumbled across a bar that was called "The Ku Klux Klub."
No shit.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does anyone even get leprosy anymore?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:03:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:36:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
For reference, the coasts of america are a completely different country from the Jesusland you found yourself in.
===
That's right. Instead of being redneck assholes, they are just assholes :-D
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-19 16:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:36:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
For reference, the coasts of america are a completely different country from the Jesusland you found yourself in.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even shitty $20 Canadian beer can solve most of life's problems.
How dare you lie.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOM BOPPA OOOM BOPPA OOOM BOPPA MAO MAO
...and thus it completely flees my system.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm afraid of the Midwest.
No. Seriously. I'm not even joking. The only greater terror I can think of is drowning. I should speak to a doctor.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor, poor Flithy. . . Just not man enough to handle our country.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:14:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been through Kansass, and that picture is certianly not Kansass, I know because that's more civilization than I saw on my entire trip through the state, besides, there's not nearly enough sunflowers and cows.
===
That picture is Missouri, because this post is about being in Missouri. The next post is about Kansas, in which there will be a picture of Kansas. Am I losing some of you here?
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-07-19 15:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been through Kansass, and that picture is certianly not Kansass, I know because that's more civilization than I saw on my entire trip through the state, besides, there's not nearly enough sunflowers and cows.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:36:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For reference, the coasts of america are a completely different country from the Jesusland you found yourself in.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...makes me want to frog march preschoolers into a field full of landmines."
Brilliant.
Careful who you say that to, though. They'll think you're a terrorist.
You gotta get out of the midwest. The only midwestern state worth visiting is Michigan.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I didn't appreciate the irony of this at the time, but now, with my American hymen thoroughly broken, I would like you to laugh heartily along with me:"
Har har hah ha he he hoo!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
American TV is indeed quite scary.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheh You're a funny woman, Elvira.
Your bag's on fire, Elvira.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-19 14:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me, dammit!
At least before you go home.
That whole driving on the wrong side of the road shit got me bad, did it get you? And now I'm loose on America's roads... hahahaha, silly buggers.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You want to come and visit FT. Lauderdale
I have lots of free alcohol and illicit drugs
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-07-19 13:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this alone!
"It was hot. Damn hot. Hotter than two teenage girls soaping each other up in their underwear, and only slightly less moist."