Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines - Episode 3: The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death (1553 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.93 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-20 12:09:31 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Episode 1: Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 Episode 2: AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Do any of you live in Kansas? I suppose for the sake of accuracy I should rephrase that to "Do any of you exist in Kansas" because, my god, that's no kind of life. You poor bastards. I was jotting down the occasional note as we traveled and have a brief paragraph summary of all the states we visited; the one for Kansas simply reads 'Here Be Dragons'.
But it was the start of our trip and we were in high spirits that even the relentless blah of the landscape could not dampen. At some point during this leg of the journey, we visited one of the Adult Superstores that litter the interstate. It was a very large and very secure metal shed - it's comforting to think that even in the event of a massive nuclear holocaust, we will still have pocket pussies to pass on to future generations.
Behind the counter was the largest woman I have ever seen in my life. Her hips were like a tabletop and her arse had arses of its own. It's a fairly sound business strategy - she was like an anti-ejaculatory tank; any time you felt yourself getting a little overexcited by the inflatable grannies you could glance over at her and feel every shred of sexual desire wither and die. In a similar way, plunging your finger into all the miniature sample material pussies is insanely good fun until you come across one that is literally seeping with mould. Then it just becomes unpleasant. It takes a Herculean effort of will not to mentally reconstruct the lives of all the fingers that have found themselves wedged between those flaps...and you just know one of them belonged to an ageing, sparsely-haired leper who could only maintain an erection by flopping around naked in a pool of his own vomit while he ate out his dog's arse with a spoon....
Jesus. Subject change.
I don't recall seeing many adverts along the sides of the motorways in England, but in America you can't escape the almighty god of marketing. The interstate is peppered with non-directional signs, some of which would have no doubt caused me to crash had I been driving. It's a testament to my general lethargy that I didn't bother to take a picture of any of them, but here are some gems I remember:
St Louis, Missouri: "Trauma, Death & Crime Scene Cleaning"
Call me old-fashioned, but I would have thought that the only people who have a legitimate (and legal) requirement for this kind of services are the police, and surely they would already know who to contact. Why has nobody realized this?
Ellis County, Kansas: "Abortion Stops A Beating"
In fairness, this sign allegedly read 'abortion stops a beating heart' but they'd chosen to actually draw the heart rather than use the word, leading to this disturbingly progressive misreading. What kind of message is this? If you don't abort that foetus, it is destined to be beaten throughout its childhood by its unwilling father? Or, if you don't abort it willingly, I'll beat the fucker out of you, sweetheart? The mind boggles.
Longmont, Colorado: "There's No Wrong Way To Get To Jesus"
Oh really? Not even through another man's arse?
Custor, South Dakota: "Gifts, Souvenirs, Guns"
That famous unholy triumvirate.
Champaign, Illinois: "Guns Save Life"
Just for the record, cracking open someone's ribcage and firing at point blank range into their chest cavity will not cure lung cancer.
There's some fucked up shit out there. But, were it not for roadside signage, we may never have ended up at 'Prairie Dog Town'. I know some of you have to have been there and are now sagely nodding your heads. You too have seen the World's Most Miserable Rattlesnakes, marveled at the disease-ridden baby pigs, and ooh'ed and ahh'ed at The World's Most Flea-Bitten and Decrepit Foxes whose relentless pacing up and down their enclosure spells out 'Kill me, for the love of god just kill me' in bee language. Stupid foxes, bees can't hold a gun.
We spent a delightful forty minutes tormenting a prairie dog whose lifelong proximity to a six legged steer had so warped his mind that he spent his days incessantly barking at a shed. I have no idea what the shed had done to him, but that fucker was not happy at all.
By late afternoon, the weather was not messing about - I'll say one thing for Kansas, they've got a big fucking sky. We were flanked on all sides by severe thunderstorms and I kept expecting to see King Lear being mad on the heath. It was some badass Shakespearian shit and we were loving it.
Until we made camp. We parked up by a small lake in a wooded area and, for lack of anything better to do, got stoned. Conversation from that point on consisted mostly of this:
"You know what?"
"What?"
"This is TORNADO COUNTRY!"
"Shit."
We managed to whip ourselves up into a frenzy of competitive paranoia until, thirty minutes later, we were both convinced that God wanted us dead. There was no way we were going to make it out of Kansas alive. What fools we had been to defy god in this way. Lightning was cracking almost constantly and the trees surrounding the van were swaying like a recently deflowered virgin with 'post-multiple-orgasm-legs' (you know what I'm talking about, ladies), so Brad decided to scoot the van up into some clearer ground. That made us feel a lot better.
Until we heard the train.
Apart from the shocks of bright light provided by the lightning, all of this maneuvering had taken place in complete darkness and now, from nowhere, came an unrelenting and exceptionally fucking loud blast from a train horn. And it didn't stop. Logic dictates that if a train driver refuses to take his hand off the horn at two o'clock in the morning, then he is either three years old or....
"Holy shit dude, you've parked on the fucking train tracks! You motherfucker! That is so fucking like you!"
I used to think I had a fairly strong will for self-preservation. Quite how I'm going to reconcile this with the two minutes before my imminent demise that I spent giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl whilst beating Brad about the face and neck, I don't know. It just struck me as funny.
Fortunately for me but unfortunately for my story, we weren't actually parked on tracks and the driver was just a mongoloid. If you listened close you could almost hear his retarded cries of "WOO! HORN! YAY! *clap clap clap*" on the wind.
When we woke up the next day the storm was still raging, and most of Kansas was still under a severe weather warning. Our objective for the day was clear and twofold:
Get to Colorado, and stay alive.
...To Be Continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-21 04:53:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's Kansas Dead ON.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She has perky titties, doc!
Oh, that's a picture of the sky?
Damn Rorschach! Fucker has NO IDEA what he's talking about...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series. The billboards depend on the state, but my all-time favorite was in Utah-- a big glittery rainbow colored sign with a giant rattlesnake on it, and the oh-so-catchy slogan: "PORNOGRAPHY: as dangerous as this!"
And I see you're learning that the whole USA south of Interstate 80 can be skipped, apart from some isolated pockets along the I-5 and I-95 corridors.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-21 00:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gee.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh, I guess you learn something new everyday...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-20 18:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series you're doing. I find outsider's impressions of places really interesting.
Also:
Longmont, Colorado: "There's No Wrong Way To Get To Jesus"
Oh really? Not even through another man's arse?
...well played.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know EXACTLY what you speak of.
It is...
GUNS
SAVE
LIFE
www.gunssavelife.com
It means I've still got a fucking 4 1/2 hour drive to get home.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:08:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you like Kansas, then you should check out Evansville, Indiana... a cultural 'A bomb' must have exploded there!
===
Oh come on, Evansville has a ChuckECheese....WOO! YAY!
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-20 17:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you like Kansas, then you should check out Evansville, Indiana... a cultural 'A bomb' must have exploded there!
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-07-20 16:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Overland Park, KS - it's like an oasis in hell.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-20 15:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:58:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
If it didn't tell you then you should back off, cause it will take doers to get those stuffs done in enough time. Otherwise the council will start to bring them all back to here...not there. You know what I am sayin man?
===
I know that that isn't funny, isn't that enough?
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If it didn't tell you then you should back off, cause it will take doers to get those stuffs done in enough time. Otherwise the council will start to bring them all back to here...not there. You know what I am sayin man?
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-20 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
King Kong Balls!
Submitted by kukd85 (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha....I live in KC, which isn't as bad as western KS....but anything west of where I go to school (Lawrence...KU) is nothing but one big field of cow shit to me...
PS-Did you happen to see Big Wang's Chinese Restaraunt? Ha...big wang...
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Longmont, Colorado: "There's No Wrong Way To Get To Jesus"
Oh really? Not even through another man's arse?
Hahahahahhahhaaha
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-20 13:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maine, girl, that's where you needed to be!
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worked for three months in Liberal Kansas, population 20,000. That is half the size of my college.
I had to drive an hour to get to the first Lord of the Rings movie.
The only bar people between 21-30 went to would play rap, country and metal.
I hated that place.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG FILTHY = ETS
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to think I had a fairly strong will for self-preservation. Quite how I'm going to reconcile this with the two minutes before my imminent demise that I spent giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl whilst beating Brad about the face and neck, I don't know. It just struck me as funny.
Fortunately for me but unfortunately for my story, we weren't actually parked on tracks and the driver was just a mongoloid. If you listened close you could almost hear his retarded cries of "WOO! HORN! YAY! *clap clap clap*" on the wind."""""
This bit, right here, made me make a sound that would be called "laughing" if I wasn't sitting in a silent room all by myself therefore rendering laughter a precursor of insanity.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Have another
===
Oh dear god. Sit down and leave the rating to the people with more than one chromosome please.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit! I meant another +2.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have another
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:29:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother worked in a huge hotel. He used to tell me that British tourists always complain.
===
Very true - we're a nation of passive aggressive whingers.
If I'm coming across as overly negative though, it's unintentional - the trip was excellent, and I would repeat every second of it in a heartbeat.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, of all places, Kansas?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit. Fucking UberMadness has cripped my ability to rate.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"If you listened close you could almost hear his retarded cries of "WOO! HORN! YAY! *clap clap clap*" on the wind."
--------------------
No, that was just me lying there pretending to drive a train under my breath. :$
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's interesting for me, as an American, to read this from a young foriegn perspective, too.
I swear to God, the way you describe it, it's absolutly stunning to me that America is a "SuperPower."
More like "Super-Trashy."
If I ever get the opportunity to visit England, I'll do the same thing. But I won't call it "Balls Deep In Enemy Territory."
No, I think I'll title it something like....
"Knee-Deep in the Queen's Nancy."
Yeah.....
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was really funny
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brother worked in a huge hotel. He used to tell me that British tourists always complain.
Good post still.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I live in KC, and you're dead on.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First review.
Have another.
-Dave
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-20 12:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know. I am really loving this.
A brit's perspective on the US.
I envy you for the road trip, something I would love to do.
Even through the Redneck/Shitkicker states.
-Dave