Better Performance is Key to Keeping Girls Faithful, Says Lying Whore (947 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.81 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by rollerboognish (View user info) at 2005-07-20 22:17:22 EDT
Associated Press, 7/20/05
According to a recent study, 80% of women who cheat on their boyfriends would remain faithful if their men were more proficient in bed. However, pollsters caution that since this information was collected from lying, cheating sluts, it should be taken lightly.
In one interview, area resident Kylie Buttress told reporter Fritz Carlson, "It's not that I don't love [my boyfriend] Ted [Frankenfurt], it's just that he doesn't satisfy me. If he could perform like Rick, Gary, Tyson, LaShawn, etc., I promise you I wouldn't cheat on him. I promise."
In a sudden panic, Buttress added, "Oh, shit, I have to go. I promised him I wouldn't suck off any more journalists."
"Pity," reported Carlson at a staff meeting later. "I was almost there."
During a follow-up interview with Frankenfurt, Carlson learned that the 25-year-old retail salesman is oblivious to both his girlfriend's bedroom antics and his own poor handling. "Yeah, Kylie's never been with another man. Why would she need to? I keep her full, if you know what I mean. Um, dude, your fly's open."
At a local cafe, Carlson interviewed Francine Ghettofabulous, a young lady who keeps "a closet full of dildos with bodies attached" for when her boyfriend's not around.
"All women got a vibrator. They don't tell you, but it's true. And so what if all my sex toys happen to walk around and drive expensive cars and buy me jewelry? That's all they are is sex toys."
A few minutes later, Carlson was introduced to a man Ghettofabulous referred to as "the knobbly blue one." Strike two.
"Communication is the key to good sex," claims Heather Jinglypop, who is currently involved with four men and two women. "Be honest with your lover and she'll be honest with you. If you think she's cheating, ask her. If she's not keeping you satisfied, tell her. If you can't be open and honest, your sex life will be miserable. Anything else you want to know?"
"No, that's great, very helpful," said Carlson. "I just can't believe your name is Jinglypop."
"Oh, yeah, did I say Jinglypop? I meant Krappenberry. Pussytwitter. Rip von Cheesedork. Ah, fuck it, my name's Jim."
So what is the real secret to keeping a girlfriend faithful? Perhaps the answer lies not with the bitches, but with the players. Carlson investigated a phone call from a man who claims to know "how to make a woman behave, by jimmy."
At a farm twenty-five miles out of town, Carlson met the unlikely pimp named Drake Scrimshaw. "What's your secret, Drake?" he asked after a short introduction.
"I marry Daisy seventeen year. She never screw around on me. She never screw nobody, only other dogs."
"Other dogs?"
Scrimshaw pointed. "Lookit, she doin it right now." Carlson turned to see two golden retrievers making the most of Hump Day. The interview was cut short and Carlson has since retired from journalism.
We caught up with the overworked ex-investigator to give us the last word on sexual performance and cheating women. His only comment was a scribbled note asking to be left alone and advising, "my new name is 'the short green one.'"
User Reviews
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-16 12:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glorious
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-16 12:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good.
Submitted by belowground (user info) at 2006-01-28 15:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I grinned when I read the name "Cheesedork", which obviously shows that you are a brilliant comedic writer or my sense of humor stopped developing around the time I turned twelve.
Either way, good stuff.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-01-28 14:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-16 07:41:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
COME BACK ROLLERBOOGNISH WE MISS YOUR POSTS.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-01-28 13:17:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha. tyson and lashawn...from the gnome post
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-16 07:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COME BACK ROLLERBOOGNISH WE MISS YOUR POSTS.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-07-22 14:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/71423#1472703
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:50:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you get the from The Onion?
---
no, ass. i got it from the Associated Press. it says so right there at the top.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this kind of silliness.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-21 07:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, this is well-done satire.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-21 07:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you get the from The Onion?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-07-20 23:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
reeks? onion? oh, you slay me.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Haha.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This reeks of old 90's school "The Onion."
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
amen
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-20 22:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You mean woman don't like being with guys who suck in bed? The things I learn on this site...amazing