Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines - Episode 4: Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado (1540 hits)
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Rating: 1.92 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-21 02:15:15 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Episode 1: Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 Episode 2: AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 Episode 3: The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
If you're going to spend a couple of weeks in a van with someone, tolerate their company 24/7 and not attempt to carve your name into their belly while they sleep, you need to see eye-to-eye on most things. There is one critical issue on which Brad and I disagree, and it's of such importance that it nearly proved to be an insurmountable obstacle in our quest for a harmonious road trip.
That's right. Iced tea.
As a Brit, I know many things about tea. I know that when anyone you know has any form of problem, you make them a cup of tea. I know that there is no occasion where drinking tea is not appropriate. And, most importantly, I know that if you take a swig of tea and it's cold, it's time to get your mum to make you another one.
Why you would deliberately make a cup of tea that is both cold and has no milk in is beyond me. I just can't process the concept - it breaks every natural law that I know and I was adamant that such a foul and demonic concoction would never pass my lips. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself.
He's a persistent little fucker though.
"Drink it."
"No."
"Drink it."
"No."
"DRINK IT."
"NO."
You can only sit through that conversation so many times before you'd gladly impale yourself on a railroad spike just for a little peace. So I did it. I sold out. I gave my soul up to Satan and took a sip. And sweet mother of Christ it was worse than I feared. Why would you drink that shit? It tastes like water that's been used to swill out an ashtray. NEVER AGAIN.
Turns out that if you order tea in an American restaurant, you have to make clear both that you would like your tea hot and that you are going to need milk. That's pretty fucking weird for me. It's these tiny and inconsequential differences that will stick with me the longest. Case in point - Wal-Mart.
We're not living in the Dark Ages in England. We have supermarkets. We have some pretty fucking big supermarkets. I've even got a vague suspicion that Wal-Mart own Asda, one of our major chains. But I was woefully unprepared to deal with the culture shock of wandering through a Wal-Mart in Denver.
We grabbed a trolley, walked in and BAM! I stopped dead, mouth agape. It was like a fucking aircraft hanger. If anyone ever needs to superglue a pyramid of African elephants together for some kind of deranged and nonsensical science project, Wal-Mart would be the place to do it. It was going to take us hours to navigate this bitch. Suddenly aware that I looked like a twat, gazing up at the gargantuan aisles in an intimidated awe, I meekly started following a grinning Brad around. He was loving every second of my unease and, as such, decided to deal the killer blow...
"Hey, dude, check this out"
And he pointed to the gun rack.
The gun rack.
THE FUCKING GUN RACK.
My tiny English mind melted and I stood there, motionless, trying to lock together the two disparate jigsaw pieces of 'guns' and 'supermarket' in my head. Ten minutes later I was still stood there. It was at this point that the deranged muttering began and I morphed into Dustin Hoffman.
".....guns.......in a bloody supermarket!.........completely fucking insane.....that's it.....that's just it right there....the final straw.....guns!....what the hell am I doing here....BAD place...VERY BAD PLACE....go now....have to go now...."
Brad dragged me away with the intent of actually getting some shopping done, but every step brought me closer to total nervous collapse. It's like being in a nightmare realm - the layout is perfectly familiar but there is nothing recognizable on any of the shelves. By the time we got to the canned goods, I was a fully fledged halfwit.
"My god, why would you have so many different kinds of beans...."
"Huh?"
"Nobody needs that many different beans, Brad."
"Riiiight."
"NOBODY!"
I don't know anybody who has suffered a mild psychotic episode as a result of a supermarket, but when I find one, I'm starting a support group, dammit.
In grand contrast to the horrors of the modern food shopping experience, we next headed out to (or rather up) the Rocky Mountains. It was fucking beautiful. I very much doubt anybody wants to hear me babble on incoherently about the majesty of nature and all that shit, so here, have some pictures.
...To Be Continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-03-25 12:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure how I missed this one!
Those pictures you took... well, they're of me!
*ahem*
COMountain.
Now you know where I got my name.
GOOD FOR YOU!
Great story. It's awesome to hear about Colorado culture shock.
And tea is supposed to be cold! With lots of lemon and a wee bit of sugar.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-21 05:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:10:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-13 11:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you are getting the 3rd degree exposure to America. I lived in Colorado for 9 years and I am still afraid to go into Wal-Mart. Fucking Freaking Fest.
Glad to hear you enjoyed your trip.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-22 16:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
absolutely breathtaking.
it's sad that they sell guns in walmart...
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-21 19:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...that was weird...
display of crackers. It was at least 20'x 15'x 10'. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at this mountain of sodium laced bread treats. After about 10 sec. of regaining my composure, I bolted down the row like I would when I was young and threw myself on the floor before this altar of stock. This was around Halloween, and there was a display of Jack-O-Latern (sp?) tiki-torches nearby. I grabbed one and satrted doing an Indian-type dance of worship around the crackers. Then the top of the tiki-torch flew off and shattered on the floor (as it was made of glass, the head of the torch, not the floor LOL!!1!) I looked around, but my friends had disappeared. so I put the torch back where I got it and went out and sat in the car until I sobered up a little.
Love the Wal-Mart.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-21 19:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I read this this morning. I have to say I never thought I'd hear someone being afraid of Wal-Mart. Hell, when I was a kid I would pester my mom to go to Wal-Mart. I'd say "Mom, you need a lot of shit we'll end up throwing away, you stupid cunt. Now grab the fuckin' keys and take us to Wal-Mart, bitch."
She'd say "alright my darling son. give me five minutes to put on some make-up and pull my hair back and we'll be on our way."
I'd say "Fuck your hair and fuck your make-up. I wanna look at toys, dammit! Dad wouldn't put up with this shit, and neither will I. Don't make me wake him up."
Just kidding. Dad sleeps like a rock.
Seriously though, I did go to a super Wal-Mart In Madisonville (about an hour away from here) with some friends at two in the morning one time. I remember we rounded a corner and at the end of the aisle there was this ENORMOUS
Submitted by twentyseventy (user info) at 2005-07-21 18:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wal-mart does own asda. But what the hell kind of name is that? it's like you smashed your left hand on the keyboard
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-21 14:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, ok. Tea's good hot too.
...and with milk.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-21 13:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always like to take my city freinds back to my Kentucky hometown and see it thru their eyes. Their perspective turns even the simplest of situations into an entertaining event.
good series!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The entire Wal-Mart part made me snort Gatorade out of my nose.
And I wasn't drinking Gatorade, either.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-21 11:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But, tea is supposed to be cold. And milk? Sweet jesus, why, man? I can put up with hot tea (what else do you wash egg rolls down with?), but milk? Urgh.
Oh, and the Irish over here more than make up for the fact that our bretheren back home can't own guns....(legally).
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus. He could use his fingernails as spoons.
He's a regular Edward Scissorhands. But with really sharp nails. Christ, maiorano's Creatures of the Night was TRUE!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:12:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can go pick up some hi-cap mags for both my glocks now. YAY!
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yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
no more 10 round mags for Mr. sig.
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Good to see that gun's are being restricted to sensible members of society. Why would you need such a vast clip for home defence? If the thing is for hunting, what is so dangerous you need to shoot it more than 10 times?
I am the first to admist that if I owned a gun I would just sit there naked in front of the mirror listening to it go 'click' and shouting "Death Cock! Death Cock!" over and over again. That is one reason people like me (i.e. British people) aren't allowed guns. Second reason being that they might fall into the hands of the Irish.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:23:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not that I don't like guns. I was raised with them, and it seems to me that gun owners are the most safety-concerned mofo's in the world. I don't know where people get the idea of some gun-toting hick who uses it to open beer and chase pigeons and squirrels. They aren't real. "
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Never been down South, huh?
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Or way up North either >:-)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-21 10:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this serie.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We grabbed a trolley, walked in and BAM! I stopped dead, mouth agape. It was like a fucking aircraft hanger. If anyone ever needs to superglue a pyramid of African elephants together for some kind of deranged and nonsensical science project, Wal-Mart would be the place to do it. It was going to take us hours to navigate this bitch. Suddenly aware that I looked like a twat, gazing up at the gargantuan aisles in an intimidated awe, I meekly started following a grinning Brad around.
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That was exactly my reaction. I spent my first trip at Wal-Mart being dragged around whilst repeatedly excaliming "Jesus God!".
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-07-21 09:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not that I don't like guns. I was raised with them, and it seems to me that gun owners are the most safety-concerned mofo's in the world. I don't know where people get the idea of some gun-toting hick who uses it to open beer and chase pigeons and squirrels. They aren't real. "
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Never been down South, huh?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 08:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can go pick up some hi-cap mags for both my glocks now. YAY!
---------------
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
no more 10 round mags for Mr. sig.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-21 07:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are perfect Filthy. I've taken some pretty cool roadtrips, but I could never make the reader feel like they're really there with you like you do. *tips hat*
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Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:09:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose it's OK because you're hanging out in the west, where all the cowboys and injuns are. I'm in the northeast, and here, NOTHING is legal. The closest thing to a gun you can get at WalMart is a $20 plastic paintball gun. If you wanted a gun you'd have to go to one of the outdoors/sport stores around, or a dedicated hunting store.
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Not true. Try living up here in New Hampshire. Every time I go to the gun range, I stop off at Walmart down the street for more 9mm or .45 rounds. As a matter of fact, I bought my shotgun at a Walmart. Everything south of the NH/VT border gets pretty tight-assed about gun control damn near all the way down to Florida, but I think that's just a highly-populated-east-coast thing. Same thing is true for hippy-infested California (highly-populated-west-coast), but you can own pretty much anything in the states in between. Especially now that the federal ban has expired. Ooh, that reminds me. I can go pick up some hi-cap mags for both my glocks now. YAY!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-21 07:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If a higher being came down from the heavens and demanded justification for our existence, Wal-Mart is really the worst evidence humanity could provide. It's a giant corporate monster that somehow attracts hordes of the worst dregs of society. It's also frightening how pervasive it is. They're EVERYWHERE. They sell EVERYTHING. Except CDs with bad words on it. Spineless fuckers.
I'm enjoying these, Filthy.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-21 05:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:57:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
If anyone ever came out and visited me, I'd let them touch my guns.
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Rad, we still need to get together with teh womenz and barbechue, then throw whiny anxious teens around.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If anyone ever came out and visited me, I'd let them touch my guns.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grand Rapids-based Meijer Inc. doesn't sell guns at any of its 150 stores.
ammo and everything else, but no guns.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My tiny English mind melted and I stood there, motionless, trying to lock together the two disparate jigsaw pieces of 'guns' and 'supermarket' in my head.
____________________
I suppose it's OK because you're hanging out in the west, where all the cowboys and injuns are. I'm in the northeast, and here, NOTHING is legal. The closest thing to a gun you can get at WalMart is a $20 plastic paintball gun. If you wanted a gun you'd have to go to one of the outdoors/sport stores around, or a dedicated hunting store.
Not that I don't like guns. I was raised with them, and it seems to me that gun owners are the most safety-concerned mofo's in the world. I don't know where people get the idea of some gun-toting hick who uses it to open beer and chase pigeons and squirrels. They aren't real.
I sure could go for a cup of tea.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:00:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
because walmart wasn't originally a supermarket.
I challenge you to find another supermarket with teh guns.
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Meijer has 'em here, I think.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 04:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because walmart wasn't originally a supermarket.
I challenge you to find another supermarket with teh guns.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I totally agree with the supermarkets & guns. WHY, OH, WHY?!?
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And not in the conventional sense."
Where's the picture of that????
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got fucking dizzy and sick the last time I was on a mountain in Colorado.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2005-07-21 03:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-21 02:41:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a cloud that looks like a side view of a sneaker in the biker picture (over his right shoulder). Tell me that doesn't look like a shoe with a visible brand.
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fucking uncanny.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-07-21 02:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a cloud that looks like a side view of a sneaker in the biker picture (over his right shoulder). Tell me that doesn't look like a shoe with a visible brand.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2005-07-21 02:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Drink it."
"No."
"Drink it."
"No."
"DRINK IT."
"NO."
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That exchange gave me a boner. I'll go resume drinking now.
Oh, and keep it up. This series is great.