Who needs enemies with friends like you? (713 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.41 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by me <lizzirose.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-21 12:06:02 EDT
When I was fat in high school, I made up for it by being (I thought, anyway) funny. As a result, I could count my friends without taking off my shoes, made friends with the 'freaks' (who didn't smell like a garden that had shat itself) and drug addicts (they're so much more agreeable) and went about my fatass business.
In my sophmore year, I went to the Sadie Hawkin's dance in a group (because that how rejects get into social events) and met Anthony*. Anthony is a tall, squishy Italian/Pole with hair like a brillow pad, skin like a skidmark and the funniest man I had ever met in my life. In short, he was more of a reject than me, and so I fell instantly in love.
Over the next three years, Anthony and I agreed that we were attached at the soul. About a year into it I finally got him to say he'd go out with me. I think it lasted about six awkward days in which he wouldn't touch me or call me or give me any of that special attention I craved from him, until we were in the car one day and the Beatles' song "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" came on. It was a deus ex machina, as far as I was concerned, and the hint landed squarely on the console between us. Just when I thought he'd actually gotten it and was going to act like a normal boyfriend and hold his girlfriend's hand, he said "I don't think this is working."
I wanted desperately to remain his friend because I was still in love with him, and decided that it didn't matter that my very obvious joy the previous week at the prospect of finally being the girlfriend to him that I had dreamed of being was about to be a very public humiliation. He had, apparently, fallen for one of the girls in our group, and had decided that I, being fat and in love with him, was not girlfriend material. FYI- I helped these two kids get together, coached him on the phone when he would call her, sat in the car when he dropped her off and told him that if he didn't french kiss her she was going to dump him, etc. I'll admit, this is sort of a weird conflict of interests on my part, being that I was really just in it to spend time with him, but I digress...
Over the next two years, I dated other people. My boyfriends hated Anthony because he was always around and because I was obviously still in love with him. In turn, Anthony hated my boyfriends because they were real men who knew how to please me and so our "best friend-ship" suffered. Everyone thought he was gay because, well, he was sort of a homo, but to me it was endearing and I defended him fiercecly. We ended up at the same college (about 8 miles down the road), though I moved on campus while he continued to live with his parents. When our mututal friends would come home on breaks, I would be excluded because he was pursuing another girl we had gone to high school with who thought I was too fat to talk to then, and whom I in turn think is a stupid cunt. Which she is. At this point the Drugs-N-Alcohol diet I was on had worked wonders and I was down to a stunning 120 lbs. We didn't see each other much, though my torch was still burning for him until one miraculous Valentine's Day four years after our first meeting.
He finally 'felt that way' about me, and asked me out in his clumsy, no-balls way. At this same time, I had just gotten out of a relationship in which I had truly been in love, but dude moved to Florida and long-distance just is not worth it. I got a job at the same place as Anthony, and we were a very public, very hilarious couple of retards who were made for each other. And I was happy.
Until it was clear that he pretty much just wanted me to help him lose his virginity, as he had been unable to 'seal the deal' with a female lo, these many years and had arrived at a party of mine with three condoms poking sloppily out of his back pocket. In the three months we 'dated' I saw him three times and so carried on a torrid affair with another guy who was, in a cruel twist of fate, in a long-term relationship with another girl whose parents had also named her kadunkadunk. Anthoyn and I broke up in the First Union drive-thur after I polietly declined to break up over a Subway sandwich. Why ruin a perfectly good lunch?
ANYWAY, I didn't care, since I was getting tons of great sex, and he really had to have been a homo to not want this hot body. We decided to stay friends, blah blah blah, and spoke sporadically. I continued to stick up for him when people called him gay, and stupid and ugly and all the rest, until March, when he straight up stood me up on St. Patrick's Day AND during our graduation, when he didn't invite me to his party. It wasn't until I saw the pictures in my friend's online photo album of Anthony and my two best girlfirends (who never loved him like I loved him, but whom he worships and adores) sitting on his lap. He told those chicks that I was, in fact, invited to that little party, to make it seem as if I had blown him off. They believed him, tried to call me out on it in a bar (bad idea, since I was wasted and have a sharp tounge already) in which I read them the riot act (a thorough act of misdirected fury) and the returned with an "Oh, he didn't mean it like that, I'm sure."
WELL! The day I believe that is the day I take it up the ass without getting dinner first. Who the fuck needs enemies with friends like this?
*Anthony's name has not been changed because he is not innocent. My name is, however, still kadunkadunk, because I'm hot.
User Reviews
Submitted by krootons (user info) at 2005-07-22 02:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
16?
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-07-21 15:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This fucking sucked.
I don't really care about any of that and it wasnt even mildly entertaining.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-21 14:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"normal" hole? everyones got one - how is it abnormal?
Submitted by jobberwalkie (user info) at 2005-07-21 14:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just hearing the word kadunkadunk made me smile..
~Jobber~
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-07-21 14:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story, remember to keep it in the normal hole!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-21 13:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Let me guess, you are suing McDonalds as we speak
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-21 13:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"WELL! The day I believe that is the day I take it up the ass without getting dinner first."
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Wow? Knocked down from a perfect score because of your skanky method of getting skinny =p
Submitted by kadunkadunk (user info) at 2005-07-21 13:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeap, 120 to 220...and god, it felt good.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Has the 120 balloned up to 220 yet?
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1. Long winded boring story
2. Fat chick who thinks she's hot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How can you not plus (+) this honesty?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
soooo.....kadunkadunk.......do you have a budunkadunk?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blah blah blah.
Submitted by Darth_Adwain (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahaha fatty
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So many highly-quotable lines, I don't even know where to start. hmm.
"Everyone thought he was gay because, well, he was kind of a homo."
Bah ha ha ha
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat girl in a little coat....
But a +2 because you take it up the ass. Well done.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
want camwhore.
you used the word 'whom'.
and kadunkadunk is fucking hilarious. thank you.
Submitted by themuscleman (user info) at 2005-07-21 12:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha you're fat