Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines - Episode 5: Gettin' Our Teat On in the Tetons, or "It's Fucking Mordor!" (1420 hits)
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Rating: 1.95 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-21 17:29:10 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Episode 1: Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 Episode 2: AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 Episode 3: The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71300 Episode 4: Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado
From Colorado we headed up into my personal number one favorite state of all time. Yes, I know I've only visited nine of the 50 or however many you people have, but a state would need to have some serious magical shit to knock Wyoming off the top spot for me. I'm talking penguins serving drinks and wooly mammoths gamboling through meadows. Or possibly one of those giant anacondas that I could cut open and find people inside. And even then it would be a close call.
It may sound like an extremely bad joke about a Chinese Buddhist, but Wyoming is fucking gorgeous.
And they have a lot of road kill, which is unfortunate for wildlife but a boon for fidgety, bored passengers. During one thirty mile stretch of road, we spotted two deer, one skunk (they really do smell like weed, who knew?), one unidentifiable smush and four hundred and ninety-one rabbits. Yes. Four hundred and ninety-one. I don't know about you, but if four hundred and ninety-one of my kids got mown down on the highway, I'd think about moving house. Stupid bunnies.
After driving through the Wind River Indian Reservation (which, yes, you guessed it, is fucking gorgeous) we stopped in Dubois to stretch our legs and, most importantly, buy hats. The only possible word to describe Dubois is 'quaint' - it's all wooden and old school and they have a piano out in the street for no apparent reason. Although after ten minutes of me and Brad hammering tunelessly at the keys, I bet they wish they didn't. We also wandered round the gallery of some dude who made antler carvings, and here's a link to them because some of these kicked serious ass http://www.antler-carving.com/gallery.htm
Culture shock number 594 came when we went for a beer and the bartender asked to see my ID. Americans are probably used to this shit, but I was taken aback. I'm twenty-five and, at the risk of making myself sound like an old hag, I look it. If I'd been wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit, I could understand, but that was in the dirty laundry bag by this stage of the trip. The last time I was asked to provide proof of my age before I could get my hands on some alcohol was when I was 15. Dubois broke my ten year streak, the bastards. I handed over my passport and waited in agonizing silence as the bartender stared at it. And stared some more. And then a little more. After ten minutes I lost patience, leaned over and pointed to where the date of birth was. It's remarkable how many people have been confused by my passport - I've had to hand it over a lot more times since then and keep expecting people to try and read it like a book. Apparently Midwest Americans aren't big on foreign travel.
From Dubois we entered the Shoshone National Forest which was (...everyone say it along with me this time..) fucking gorgeous. We turned off the road and ended up down some tiny track in the thick of bear country. Brad had somehow got it into his head that so long as he had a can of mace, he'd be fine and was holding it out, ready to spray, and looking nervous as I skittered through the trees intent on finding a grizzly. I was uneasy about the mace plan for several reasons. I doubt if macing a bear in the face would do little more than piss it off and, knowing Brad, he'd be more likely to get overexcited and mace either himself or me, leaving the grizzly with a delightfully incapacitated entrée and main course. But it kept him happy, so what the hell. My bear encounter plan was simply to thrust Brad in it's general direction, then run back and lock myself in the car. Brutal but effective, I think. Sadly we didn't have a chance to test it - I had to cut our bear jaunt slightly short because I was being eaten alive. If I'm ever struggling to get a date, all I need do is branch out into the insect kingdom because mosquitoes fucking love me.
Back in the car and heading northwest, we rounded a corner and both simultaneously and at great volume exclaimed "FUCK!" There is just no way a picture can capture what we had both seen, but anyone who has traveled a similar route will know exactly what I'm talking about. For there, in the distance and apparently from nowhere, appeared the Grand Tetons. We screeched to a halt and jumped out of the car, camera in hand. It was at this point that I made the best call of my entire life...
"Holy shit dude, it's fucking Mordor!"
I wish I had a better picture of it to show you because I simply cannot explain the sheer awe you feel when confronted with the misty and extremely menacing jagged peaks of the Tetons. Just please, for the love of god, go see them. They're the dictionary definition of badass.
...To Be Continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-21 05:32:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-11-06 13:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Filthy, your writing is superb!!!!!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:16:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wyoming huh?
Who woulda figured.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78467
-Dave
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-24 03:37:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeehaw!
Come on over to California, Filthy, let's have a beer.
====
Sadly I'm back in Blighty now, but seriously considering becoming a wandering hobo, skittering round the planet exchanging humourous insight for food.
=========
I'll make my fiancee cook for you - he's very talented.
Submitted by MRPINKERTON (user info) at 2005-07-29 16:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what your talking about.
Now Picture this if you will, the Grand Tetons looming ahead, and between you and them a familly of moose. Thats 1 bull, 1 female and 1 calf. Then picture stupid New Yorkers approaching this familly, kodak camera in hand, 60 yards of open fireld behind them and 20 yards of open field between them and the now pissed off BULL MOOSE. Then picture the looming Grand Tetons as the back splash of this unfolding drama... Fucking Gorgeous is all I can say.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-24 03:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:59:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeehaw!
Come on over to California, Filthy, let's have a beer.
====
Sadly I'm back in Blighty now, but seriously considering becoming a wandering hobo, skittering round the planet exchanging humourous insight for food.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines" is hands down the best title ever.
Well, besides zakalwe's "Sapphic Sun Beach Narco-Lesbianism."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-22 07:52:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:55:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thank you for visiting the world's giant superpower! I hope you found your stay a pleasant one! Bye Bye!"
===========
Scenario #1:
Tourist: "Very lovely landscape you have here...wow!"
Non-american: "We are lucky to have that"
Scenario #2:
Tourist: "Very lovely landscape you have here...wow!"
American: "Yeah! w00t! We are the only remaining superpower! Go american landscape! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
Americans and their silly patriotism...*sigh*
------------
and dont you forget it fuckstick
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeehaw!
Come on over to California, Filthy, let's have a beer.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-22 07:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:55:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thank you for visiting the world's giant superpower! I hope you found your stay a pleasant one! Bye Bye!"
===========
Scenario #1:
Tourist: "Very lovely landscape you have here...wow!"
Non-american: "We are lucky to have that"
Scenario #2:
Tourist: "Very lovely landscape you have here...wow!"
American: "Yeah! w00t! We are the only remaining superpower! Go american landscape! U-S-A! U-S-A!"
Americans and their silly patriotism...*sigh*
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-07-22 07:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grand Tetons is french for Great Titties. Just so you know.
Looks like an interesting place.
Also, bears are usually pussies. You most likely wouldn't even need mace. (<- worst syntax ever)
Keep posting these.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cryptic? Elemental. You transcend when you succumb. One last shred of frailty left, embedded in our bones."
-KG
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-22 00:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-07-22 00:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me sad but I'm not sure why. I think I'm jealous of the traveling.
I need to go somewhere. But Somewhere is usually soooo faaarrrrr awaaaayyyy...
Next year I'm going to the Dominican for a wedding. So, that will be cool as long as I'm not killed by hurricanes or pygmies. Wait, where's the Dominican Republic again? A few miles east of Banana?
har har har. I need sleep.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your grizzly bear plan sounds a lot like my shark attack plan, which is to cut whoever is closest to me in the water and then get out while the feeding is frenzied.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-21 21:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
8 reviews? You people are breaking my heart.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-21 19:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You might as well get used to the ID thing, as I'm sure you already are. All of us lowly cashiers are so afraid of paying fines out of our own pockets that we don't let people get away with much unless we know them and REALLY trust them.
And I don't think a bear would even try to eat Brad. Brad would end up trying so hard to get the bear to dignify the violence of killing and eating something that was alive when there's so much road-kill lying around that the bear would give up, sulk off, and kill itself. That's my opinion.
The pictures are beautiful. There is some damn nice scenery that somehow we still haven't gotten around to fucking up...yet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-07-21 19:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you really "over here"???
And you haven't swung by Shlongy's casa to suck my dick? I'm right on the South Carolina ocean.
That seems strange.
Well, enjoy the rest of your trip, Missy.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-07-21 18:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lived/worked in the Tetons this summer. It really is amazing, those mountains. I'm in Colorado now...not as 'badass' mountains, but good enough for me.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Weren't the Tetons named by Frenchmen who were reminded of a nice pair... or trio, of titties?
Good post here.
Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Thank you for visiting the world's giant superpower! I hope you found your stay a pleasant one! Bye Bye!"
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed Wyoming is beautiful country. Did you go to Idaho? Surprsingly diverse and quite the WOW
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, Filthy. Hope you make it further west, California has a lot to offer too.
I took a little trip recently myself, but I wasn't nearly as comfortable.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70623
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-21 17:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart: You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage
where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man,
which is more like a hallway in a hospital.
Old Money