Fred's insanity, Susie's demise (kicker at end) (837 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple <sopher901.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-22 02:59:26 EDT
"Get off me! Get off me! Help!!! Rape!!!" little Susie screamed with all her might as Tom pulled her into the van, as if he was pulling in a man overboard.
"Sit down, and shut the fuck up, and nothing will go wrong", Tom said forcefully, like in the movies, "you're not in your little play place anymore; you're in our world now."
Susie struggled to hunch her way up onto her elbows as she pushed herself off her back, grasping on the dusty barren metal floor of the van with her frightened fingers. She did a sort of upside down army crawl back the rear of the van and attempted to open the latch of the moving van. Tom sat still, crouched behind the front passenger seat, watching the little girl struggle with the disabled latch.
"You aren't going anywhere honey", Tom raised his voice over the rumbling the van was producing over what sounded like a gravel road, as he licked his lips, "Like I said; you're in our world now."
Susie sat horrified, her feeling of helplessness only exceeded by her tears. She'd might as well get it over with, and pray that they didn't do anything worse to her; what else was there to do?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That's our mark", Fred said, pointing across his body out of the grey van at the little girl.
"What'll it be this time? Candy? Lollypops perhaps?" Tom joked, mocking Fred's way of life.
Fred turned from the window and looked at Tom with a stern glare.
"I'm sorry Fred", Tom apologized.
"Taking little girls off the streets is no laughing matter. This is serious stuff here. If something goes wrong; say she gets away and screams rape and people call the police, things can look really bad for us really fast", Fred reiterated to Tom.
"Yes, I know, I'm sorry", Tom groaned, facing forward as like a child being reprimanded.
"Get to the back, and get ready by the door, we're coming up on her" Fred said anxiously, his eyes on his prize. He was thinking of all the things he would do to her once she was in, with a look of obsession on his face.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom quickly jerked the curtains, and peered through the window at Fred's van on the side of the street. He then let go of the doily white curtains, and opened the front door.
"Bye sweetheart, I'm going to work," Tom yelled in towards his house, just before shutting the door, and strolling down his brick pathway to the parked van.
"Get in," Fred ordered, as Tom headed towards what was to be Susie's containment before she was whisked away to places unknown.
"You look rather glum my friend," Tom said, as he crawled into the van, slamming the door behind him.
"I have to do it again", Fred said looking at Tom with his blackened, baggy eyes, like a tortured junky.
"Again!?! Oh come on Fred, not again", Tom said, berating his comrade's sad state of affairs, "You said that was the last time!"
"I'm sorry; I just got to do it again, this one last time. This time will different, maybe it'll stop after this", Fred jittered away looking at the pictures of the little girls he had in his wallet.
"Do you know what the definition of insanity is?" Tom asked in a metaphoric tone, "It's doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. You're insane Fred, and you need to get help. This is spilling over into your work, and by association, into my life. You... you just need to get help buddy."
"You're right, Tom. And after this time, I will get help. I just need to do it one last time. Ok?" Fred rambled off, looking at Tom, searching for an ounce of friendship.
"Ah fuck it, let's go. You know we're going to be late for work though, don't you?" Tom nagged.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Freddy?" Violet asked, as Fred was heading out the door.
"What is it sweetheart?" Fred groaned, looking at his watch.
"I just had the school on the phone; Susan's skipping again. She's probably at the mall again. Could you pick her up and take her to school?" Violet asked.
"I guess, I could pick up the little hell raiser", Fred sighed.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-07-22 14:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-07-22 13:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/42767
hello, memento.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I was using the excuse that Tom would be mad at her for making him late, but I agree, it was a bit over the top.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool. i think.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*you're
oops!
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But..."Your in our world now?" I think that line was too much of an attempt at deception. Other than that, I thought it was great! Nice job.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-22 10:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:18:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
no need to say kicker at the end.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-22 07:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Randy and I'm glad he's come back to Uber, where people treat each other right.
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-07-22 06:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Memento was an excellent movie for those who are quick enough to follow it. That sounded like they have to be physically fast. I meant....you know...mentally.
anyways good post, Mr. Pineapple.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-07-22 04:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
title nearly ruined it
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rock_music (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done.
Memento is one of my favorite movies due to how effectively they pulled off the backwards structure, and you seem to have a pretty good handle on it as well.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, but last time I tried this style it seemed as though people didn't read it all the way through, and got bored.
It's Otnemom style (momento backwards, like the movie), which means that the story starts from the end and moves backwards, revealing new things. The problem with writing a story like that, and having a kicker at the end, is that people assume it is a normal story that you just chopped up for no reason. Then they lose interest.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-22 03:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no need to say kicker at the end.