Why Did She Dump Me? (1923 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.33 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by William (View user info) at 2005-07-22 10:57:14 EDT
The last time I saw her I declined the invitation of a warm bed for the night partly because I don't want to give Rach crabs , but mostly because of the piss-proof plastic sheet she has on her bed. It makes such a racket that even if I was narcoleptic I'd need sedatives to sleep. They also make you sweat to the extent that you wake up either damp or floating and feeling like you've pissed yourself anyway. I demanded that Rachael sleep over at my place instead.
"I know you only want me to stay so I can smoke your pole" She whispered.
I shook my head before adding "I don't want you to stay solely to fellate me. If that was all I wanted you for I would've had you blow me under the table while I was talking to your sister. I want you to stay because I enjoy spending time with you, because I love the dulcet tones of your voice, because you make me happy, and last but not least" I paused whilst holding her stare, "Because I have a mountain of ironing that needs attention."
She smiled, playfully punched me in the arm and cupped her hand over my bulging crotch (no, you horny pervs, I didn't have wood, I'm just blessed with almost 10 inches of meaty goodness)
Walking from Rachael's house to the car I noticed Mrs Reinhold statuesquely stood in the bay window of her front room. She's such a nosey old hag, always gawking out her window from behind her nicotine stained voil, spying on the neighbours. Someone ought to break in to her house, cut her phone lines and violate that bald old leathery gash she has for a minge... preferably with a
deformed cacti. I'll stop off at the next florist I pass and try my luck.
I started the engine and we set off. Just as we turned left out of the street I spotted two pigeons brazen as you like stood pecking at something in the middle of the road. I swerved the car to align the wheels with the rats with wings. Unfortunately for me, my judgement was slightly off.
"Fucking flying vermin"
"William, what the hell are you doing"
*CRACK*
"Let me check the car, I didn't like the sound caused on impact."
I grinned at her manically before getting out the drivers side to have a peek.
I walked round to the front of the car, and there the little shit was, a mangled mess of feathers.
"Looks like one got away Rach."
"I...I can't believe you just killed that bird in front of another. That's Murder. My God!" she cried.
"It's not like the other one's going to call the police, Rach. For fuck sake, stop being a pussy."
On closer inspection of the front of my car, I noticed a crack on my number plate.
"The fucking thing must've been on stilts. The. Bastard."
I got back in the car and continued the drive home.
Rach didn't talk to me for the rest of the journey, but that was probably because she was crying uncontrollably. I didn't try to make conversation. I was still het up about my damaged number plate. To ease my distress I started thinking about sex, and how separating a pigeon from its breath had given me the horn. I quickly glanced at Rach and told her I was going to give it to her good style when we got back to mine.
"We can't!" * sob sob * I'm on my period."
"That won't stop the likes of me... It takes a brave pirate to sail the red sea."
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-30 09:25:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-09-07 08:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-07 08:45:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've changed my mind.
__________
About me or the post. Ha!
<winky thingymabob>
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-07 08:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've changed my mind.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-15 06:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:18:24 (#)
Ranking: -1
She smiled, playfully punched me in the arm and cupped her hand over my bulging crotch (no, you horny pervs, I didn't have wood, I'm just blessed with almost 10 inches of meaty goodness)
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Doubtful.
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ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-25 04:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mwahahahaha!
Nice one Dee, why William?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-07-22 17:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe she dumped you because your cock's too big.
fucking you must've been like log jamming to her.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-07-22 17:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-07-22 17:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-07-22 16:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where you went wrong:
Rather than pluck the carcass out of the car and point it out to your then girlfriend, you should have scooped up the parts and tried to breath life back into the pieces.
When you looked up at Rachel with the bird guts dripping off your chin she would of known right then and there that:
A) You cared about flying vermin and did not intend to murder god's special creatures of the sky
B) You obviously had no qualms about riding the red tide
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-07-22 15:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She dumped you because you took another life in front of her. And then you had no qualms about it, instead, switching gears to sex immediately. Most girls can't do that. Though I applaud you for killing one of those wretched mongrols, your girlfriend was obviously a little shaken. You should have "cuddled" her to make her feel your 'sensitivity' toward the issue AND THEN gone in for the kill. What is wrong with guys?! Women are such simple creatures to understand.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-07-22 13:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have dumped ya
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have decided that this post is some kind of complex weirdness that is beyond my ken. Either that or it's a bit of a lame duck.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-07-22 12:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
She smiled, playfully punched me in the arm and cupped her hand over my bulging crotch (no, you horny pervs, I didn't have wood, I'm just blessed with almost 10 inches of meaty goodness)
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Doubtful.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am, yes.
Oh, and good luck in the next round, Belle.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, are you single now then??
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rach didn't talk to me for the rest of the journey, but that was probably because she was crying uncontrollably."
Submitted by mazellan (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh no, oh no, oh no. But why did she have plastic sheets????????
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You dick is going to come out looking like a shirveled up red popsickle
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope you use dark sheets on your bed.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I refuse to chow the beave on the red seas. But I've been known to attempt a death by stabbing.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-22 11:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewww. Rats with wings I tell ya.