The Devil’s Go Cart (707 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Kids
Rating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-07-22 18:42:04 EDT
Okay. There's a kid named Kyle who is turning nine this weekend, and I was so busy giving people hell on this site I forgot to do his traditional birthday story (the tradition being that Jack is a cheapskate ans writes crap like this instead of buying gifts).
Thanks to the power of Red Bull I was able to blow through this today... but in case the word attachment is funky, I figure the kid's dad can access the story here and print it out.
Happy Birthday, Kyle!
=====================
The Devil's Go Cart
Summertime. No school. On vacation with his dad, down in San Francisco, visiting Uncle Jack. This was a great way to spend your ninth birthday, Kyle thought.
The city was really different from back home in Ottawa. There was no canal like the Rideau, no river like the Ottawa, but the city was surrounded by a big bay, and off to one side was the Pacific Ocean. An actual, real ocean.
Kyle couldn't see the ocean, but he could see the blue water of the bay filled with little white sailboats, and an island with a long building on it that his uncle said once was a prison. At the very end of the long street he was on there was a pier, and some old tall sailing ships rested there like something out of a movie. Kyle could see all of this because he was at the top of Hyde Street, about to start a race.
A go-cart race.
*
The plan had been to spend about ten days in San Francisco. Kyle and his dad took a long, boring plane ride southwest, the boredom disappearing at the end of the trip when the plane circled over the city.
"Hey, check this out," Tyler had said to his son, remembering his own visit to San Francisco years ago.
The plane banked and Kyle grabbed his dad's arm as everything tilted to one side. Then he was looking out the window at the Golden Gate Bridge, and the city that seemed to be built on a million hills.
A few hours later they were at Jack's place.
Jack had sawdust in his hair and he was holding a hammer when he came to the door.
Before they had knocked on the door they had heard Jack swearing.
"If you ever use ANY of those words around your mom, you are toast," Tyler said sternly.
Kyle could see his dad was trying not to laugh, and he started laughing when he suddenly imagined himself sitting in school, yelling out what Uncle Jack had just yelled and watching old Mrs. Murchison's eyeballs pop out of her head.
"Hey guys," Jack said, "Come on in."
Lying on spread-out newspaper in the middle of the living room floor was a weird-looking box. There were also pieces of steel, small rubber wheels with spokes, a bunch of tools and nuts and bolts, and a steering wheel with part of the outer ring missing.
Kyle walked around the mess. "What is all that?"
"That, is a surprise," Jack said.
"Yeah," Tyler added. "We entered you in a go cart race. There's gonna be a whole bunch of kids about your age racing go-carts down one of the long, steep hills here in just a few days, and if you want, you can be in on it."
Jack opened the closet door and grabbed a small helmet. "Only if you wear this, of course."
Hoping that the other kids wore helmets so he was the only one who didn't look like a dork, Kyle thought of the big hills he had seen. "Cool," he said.
A few days later, the cart was complete. It looked a little goofy, but it moved really well on the rubber wheels. It had brakes, and a steering system that controlled the wheels with thick wires. The steering wheel was from a really old car, and Jack had sanded down the ends of the plastic where it had been cut down. The steering wheel was red and about a third of it was missing at the top. Jack said it came from an old Chevy. It made the go-cart look awesome and Kyle could steer without having the top part of the wheel block his view. The go cart even had a rear-view mirror and a seatbelt. The only thing it didn't have was an engine, because the rules of the race said the cart had to move under its own power.
*
Now, Kyle was sitting in the go cart. It was a bright and sunny afternoon. There were twelve kids in the race, and a few hundred people on each side of Hyde Street, all the way down the hill to the Hyde Street Pier and San Francisco Bay. The pier was full of tourists. Two cable cars were waiting at the top and bottom of the hill, clearing the street for the go carts. The cable car tracks were shining made long shining ribbons under the sun.
Kyle's cart was painted completely black, with a thin red line along each side. Any moment now a green flag would be waved... and green means go.
A loudspeaker was blaring as a man read the names of all the kids in the race.
Kyle could see Tyler and Jack standing to one side and talking. He waved, and they waved back.
"This was a great idea," Tyler said, waving to Kyle.
"Yeah," Jack said. "And I'm sure everything will be just fine."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Hey, Jack, that's my son. What the hell are you talking about? Is that go cart safe?"
Jack lit a cigarette, and said, "Sure it's safe. It's solid as a rock and he's got the helmet and pads. He'll be okay."
Tyler waited. He knew there was more to it than that.
"There's just... that weirdness with the steering wheel."
The loudspeaker roared. "THIRTY SECONDS!"
"He can't steer that thing?"
"No, dude, relax. He can steer fine. It's just that I got the steering wheel from an auto parts yard, and the old guy running the place said he was convinced he had seen that steering wheel before."
"Keep going," Tyler said.
"Well," Jack said, forcing a guilty laugh. "The parts yard guy said he was sure he had seen that same wheel in a wreck back in the seventies."
"A wreck."
"Yeah. Some guy drove into the back of a lumber truck and a long piece of wood that wasn't red-flagged knocked his block off. Family got rid of the car."
Tyler was disgusted. "Jesus."
"FIFTEEN SECONDS!!!"
"Well... I guess I shouldn't be superstitious," Tyler said. "I'm sure things will be okay.
"TEN SECONDS!!!"
"And in the eighties," Jack added.
"NINE!!!"
"Huh?"
"EIGHT!!!"
"The guy thought he saw that wheel again in the eighties."
"SEVEN!!!"
"Some kind of drug deal gone wrong thing. Couple of head shots. Brains everywhere. Wife sold the car for scrap."
"SIX!!!"
Tyler was starting to feel really unsure about this.
"FIVE!!!
"And the nineties," Jack said.
"FOUR!!!"
Tyler turned and grabbed Jack's shirt and shook him. "What? WHAT?"
"THREE!!!"
"It was natural causes on that one," Jack said. "Some stock broker type had a heart attack. Hit a guardrail and went right through the windshield, breaking off the top of the steering wheel on his way out."
"TWO!!!"
"Rumor is that just before he died the guy said the devil was in the car with him," Jack said, making a face. "Sounds like crap to me, though."
"ONE... GO!!!"
Kyle and eleven other kids gave their carts a push, and then they were rolling down the long, steep hill, parents and friends cheering wildly.
"AND THEY'RE OFF!!!"
*
This was wild. Kyle could see his dad and Uncle Jack yelling at each other, but there was no time to think about that because he was moving, and rolling down the hill, and this was the coolest thing that had ever happened.
There was a loud squeal and one of the carts stopped, the wheels locking up. The kid in the cart took off his helmet and angrily threw it away.
One down, eleven remaining.
All of the carts were moving fast, but one that had really big wheels higher than the cart they were attached to was going like crazy.
Some kid with a fat, red face cut in front of Kyle and gave him the finger.
There was a girl in one cart that zipped by him, and Kyle was so busy watching her blonde ponytail streaming in the wind that he nearly ran over a Coke can somebody had left in the road.
Something blocked Kyle's vision for a second and he wiped his eyes with one hand, thinking there was a bug in his face. It came again, a dark shape, flickering in front of him and disappearing.
*
A hundred feet away, back at the top of the hill, Tyler said, "Did you see that?"
Jack looked uneasy. "Uh.... Yeah. Didn't want to say anything though. Thought maybe I was going nuts."
"Just so we're on the same page," Tyler said, "Kyle's cart had something... climbing on it?"
"Yup. Little smokey-black thing. Long tail. Horns."
"A devil?"
"Let's go," Jack said. He ran fifty feet to his car, and opened the trunk taking out a couple of skateboards.
*
Kyle had been touching the brakes every few seconds just like almost all the other kids were doing, but now that he had the feel of the steering wheel and knew that the cart was solid he took his foot off the brakes, and the go cart picked up speed.
Something flickered in front of him again and Kyle nearly yelled out loud. There was something squatting on the front of the go cart, on the wooden hood, just above the rubber bumper.
The thing was like thick smoke or dark glass. Kyle could see it, but he could also see through it. It was about three feet tall, with really big hands and feet. It was gray and black, with a long pointed tail growing out of its butt, short twisted horns on its head, and little black eyes. It also had a wide mouth with massive, square teeth.
Kyle hit the brakes again, and the go cart started to slow down.
*
"Are you kidding?" If the situation wasn't so serious, Tyler would have laughed his butt off.
The idea of Jack on a skateboard was even more out there than the idea of a cursed go cart with a devil on it.
"Man, you are WAY too old for that. You'll break every bone in your body."
Jack looked pissed. "Listen kid, I can keep up no problem, and we've got to catch Kyle before he gets hurt. This is all my fault. That goddamned steering wheel."
"Okay," Tyler said, hopping on one skateboard and doing a quick figure eight. He stepped off, kicked the board, and it leaped up into his hands.
They ran back to Hyde, street, set down the skateboards, stepped on them, and pushed off down the hill.
Tyler shouted, "Here we go!"
Jack shouted, "Jesus!"
*
The devil on the go cart grinned at Kyle and then punched a massive hand through the plywood top of the cart. It reached down. Kyle felt something as cold as ice-water brush against one foot and he pulled his feet back. The devil grunted and started yanking on something. Kyle heard a twanging sound like guitar strings breaking and suddenly the devil was holding a snarled knot of thick steel wire.
The cart started moving fast. Really fast. The devil had just ripped out the brakes.
*
"Man, Kyle is really starting to move," Tyler shouted. He used one foot to push his skateboard even faster. "Let's go!"
"No problem," Jack muttered, wondering if there was a hospital emergency room close by.
*
People on either side of the street were still cheering as Kyle zipped by them, so he knew that they couldn't see the devil on his cart, and they wouldn't know he was in trouble.
A wet black stream shot by Kyle's head and splattered the street behind him. It took Kyle a few seconds to realize the devil was taking a leak.
"Hey!" Kyle shouted. "Stop that!"
The devil laughed, "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh," and looked back the way they had come, over Kyle's shoulder.
Kyle watched in the rear view mirror as one cart after another hit the spill of black devil pee on the road and spun out like they were hitting an oil slick. Six cars slid into each other, or the curb, and stopped. A seventh cart tried to steer around the others, jumped the curb and smashed into a hedge.
There were four carts left on the road.
Kyle passed the big-wheeled cart that had been in the lead, and then heard someone shout at him.
"You aren't gonna win!"
Kyle looked around and saw the fat red-faced kid was coming right up on one side.
"Careful," Kyle said.
"Yeah, right, loser," the fat kid said.
He started to pass Kyle.
The devil reached out and poked a finger at the front of the fat kid's cart. One of the wheels began to wobble.
Kyle tried to steer away from the fat kid, but the devil put one hand on the steering wheel and it was suddenly frozen in place.
The fat kid's cart began to shudder and shake and his face got even redder than before.
"Whu-hut is-ss thi-ss?" The fat kid sounded like his cart was thudding down a flight of stairs. Whu-hut-is-ss guh-ho-ing on?"
A front wheel flew loose from the fat kid's cart, bounced against Kyle's helmet, and disappeared behind him. He watched in the mirror as the big wheeled cart ran over the fat kid's loose wheel and got stuck on it, the whole cart quickly grinding to a halt.
Nine carts down, three left. Kyle, the fat kid, and the blond girl, who was coming up behind him really fast.
They were halfway down the hill.
*
Tyler and Jack steered around wrecked carts and angry kids.
"This is nuts," Tyler said.
"Yeah," Jack replied. "They should put this stuff on TV. Man, I'd tune in every time."
"We're almost there," Tyler said, seeing his son not far ahead.
*
Three go carts lurched as they went over a slight rise in the road, and then they were moving even faster as the hill became steeper.
The devil raised both hands and Kyle heard the girl behind him shouting. Her cart was slowing down and she had no idea why.
Kyle heard the girl shout out loud.
"This suuuuucks!"
The fat kid's cart started weaving back and forth, the missing wheel making steering almost impossible.
Kyle steered away from the fat kid, hoping the carts would not hit each other, and saw a grassy green area coming up on one side. Maybe he could jump the curb and hit the grass. That would slow him right down.
There was a jolt and the go cart turned right back to the center of the road. The devil was steering again, and grinning at Kyle.
He was moving so fast now the wind was whistling in his ears. He could see the finish line at the bottom of the hill, a white banner that was raised over the street. Just beyond it was the Hyde Street Pier and the tall sailing ships.
The devil made a throwing motion over Kyle's head.
There was a horrific grinding, crunch and Kyle looked back.
The remaining front wheel of the fat kid's cart had somehow slipped inside the narrow cable car tracks and the cart was coming to a stop. The fat kid was swearing as bad as Uncle Jack, his voice already fading as Kyle raced on.
There was nothing to stop him now. He was moving way too fast, and he was afraid to think of what was going to happen when he reached the end of the street with no brakes.
The devil sat down on the front of the go cart, looking straight ahead. Kyle could hear the creature laughing again.
Kyle heard another sound, and the devil heard it too, because it looked over its shoulder and its face twisted with rage.
*
"How do you want to work this?" Tyler had seen the devil-thing jinxing all the other kids and couldn't understand why no one else was seeing the thing. Maybe only he and Kyle and Jack could see it because they were family. It was weird, but all that mattered to him now was getting his boy to safety.
Jack scratched his head, nearly losing his balance. He swore and shouted, "I don't know. Can you grab Kyle? Looks like that creepy thing ripped out the brake cables."
Man, Tyler thought. That was gonna be rough. "No problem," he shouted back to Jack. "You'll have to distract that devil, though."
"Piece of cake," Jack said.
*
Kyle couldn't believe what he was seeing. Jack and his dad were blasting down the hill on skateboards and coming right up beside him. His dad looked pretty cool, and that made Kyle feel a lot better. Jack looked like he was going to crap his pants. The devil on the go cart was furious.
There was only a hundred feet of road left before the pier
*
"Hey," Jack shouted to the devil. "Dickhead!"
The devil gestured with both hands and Jack shot off in the other direction, right at a curb.
Jack hit the curb, screamed, and was suddenly sailing through the air. He hoped his scream sounded tough, a 'yee-haw' yell.
Tyler heard Jack scream 'Yaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!' and angled close to the go cart. "Stand up," he said to Kyle. "Quick!"
Jack hit the ground again and stayed upright, racing right back to the go cart and looking down to make sure he didn't piss his pants. That would be embarrassing. He cut right in front of the go cart, and the devil was so angry it jumped on Jack's back.
Tyler reached out. "Now!"
Kyle stood up in the fast-moving cart and Tyler grabbed him and held him in both arms.
The skateboards passed under the white finish line banner ahead of the go cart, and blasted onto the crowded Hyde Street Pier. Tourists hollered and gawked and ran out of the way.
They were moving so fast they had to steer around little booths selling souvenirs and snacks and the ends of the big wooden pilings that held the pier over the water.
Tyler eased the skateboard to a stop about thirty feet from the end of the pier and set Kyle on his feet.
Jack couldn't stop. He zoomed off the end of the pier, still on the skateboard, with the devil still on his back.
A few of the tourists cheered.
Jack hit the water and disappeared.
The go cart hit a piling right near the end of the pier and exploded, parts flying everywhere.
"Wow," Kyle said.
"Uh-oh," Tyler replied.
Jack's head popped up a moment later. He started floundering like crazy. The devil was still on his back. It grabbed Jack's head with both hands and pushed his face underwater.
The devil was grinning when parts of the go cart started splashing into the water. It started to laugh just as the old Chevy steering wheel knocked its head right off.
"Hey," Tyler said, "Are you gonna be okay here for a minute?"
"Sure," Kyle said. "Why?"
"As much as I'm tempted to leave him there," Tyler replied, kicking off his shoes, "I gotta go get Jack. That dumbass is a terrible swimmer."
Kyle watched his dad run and leap into the water. He laughed when he heard Jack screaming that he was going to drown and die and his dad telling Jack that if he would shut up he would stop swallowing so much water.
He looked back up the hill and then up at the blue California sky.
This had been a great day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I also ripped off Bill Cosby's old go cart routine, and the idea of a mean fat kid.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 04:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw this show on an old Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner, 'Terror at 00002 Feet'...
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-07-23 19:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-07-23 17:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it Jack, it would be a lot easier to hate you if you'd stop posting stuff like this.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-23 12:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-23 10:45:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAA, u KAN'T PARTICA... PARTISI... U RN'T ALLOWED IN UBER MADNESS!
--
shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-23 10:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAA, u KAN'T PARTICA... PARTISI... U RN'T ALLOWED IN UBER MADNESS!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-23 05:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-07-23 02:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of california... makes me think of the libs....makes me think of the american hating ACLU who'd love nothing more than to stir up more hatred at us...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/22/AR2005072201642_pf.html
The ACLU sucks.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-07-22 20:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just knew the cart would turn out to be possessed or something.
Though I am disappointed that you said "let's go" rather than "let's roll".
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:52:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
are you really in san fransisco?
--
Read any previous posts of mine that seem even remotely political and then ask yourself why I would lie about that.
Beautiful day here today. Damn.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:45:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not reading all that but anything about a go-cart race in San Francisco deserves a +2. Have you fuckers ever driven a car in San Francisco? CHHEEEEEERIST. Now imagine that on a go-cart.
I peed myself just thinking about.
--
Well, Uncle Jack nearly pees himself in this story.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are you really in san fransisco?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-22 18:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not reading all that but anything about a go-cart race in San Francisco deserves a +2. Have you fuckers ever driven a car in San Francisco? CHHEEEEEERIST. Now imagine that on a go-cart.
I peed myself just thinking about.