I am the salve of the deranged. (543 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Downward Spiral of your Mind (View user info) at 2005-07-23 02:32:48 EDT
every Thursay for the past couple of months now, i have been subjected to the most intense form of punishment imaginable for anybody located outside the brutal confines of Guantanamo Bay.
i make a foray into the realms of the mentally inept.
namely, i accompany a certain personage whom we will call by the anonymous name of Scott as he attends a group activity or two. my job description involves numerous responsibilities of unimaginable gravity -such as ensuring that he doesn't swallow a fucking battery. when dealing with one who is attracted to the idea of eternal youth, and who additionally operates with the mindset of a 12-year-old, and furthermore is bipolar and schizophrenic, continual monitoring must be applied to this measure. it is the dear boy's belief that, upon ingesting the appropriate metallic elements in the appropriate combinations, he will turn back into a child. one day, he informs me that he doesn't feel well, has a stomachache. i ask why, and he says, 'well, i did swallow a watch battery yesterday.' i say, 'shit.'
we take him to the ER, whereupon the doctors notice he has not only a battery, but numerous pieces of keys lodged in his abdominal cavity. the doctors, having seen this, proceeded to say, 'shit.'
but back to Thursdays. he attends a tai chi class. the class is also attended by various geriatrics and retards. they walk in circles while their leader soothingly purrs intonations such as 'HO, SHO, FSU,' until they reach the climactic point of: 'FLAP YOUR WINGS LIKE A PEACOCK.' it is then that i realize i have found the gate to hell, as they prance around making gobbling noises and swerving their arms haphazardly. eventually they reach the point of no return with their leader commanding them to engage in a 'LAUGHING CONTEST,' and they all begin shouting and hollering with all the artificial mirth they can muster.
this terrifies me. i am to keep the child free from the temptation of zinc and copper, but tell me: what is one retard to do when his caretaker, too, is insane?
User Reviews
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-26 21:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by GirleButterfly (user info) at 2005-09-26 21:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am the salve of the jackass.
Submitted by GirleButterfly (user info) at 2005-09-26 21:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because your a jackass.
Submitted by Miss_Self_Destruct (user info) at 2005-07-23 15:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh sweet jesus, I thought I had a bad time on fridays when I get to watch a 12 year old.
I feel your pain.
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-07-23 04:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drugs and alcohol
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-07-23 03:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am not even slightly amused. Like, wow you guys.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-07-23 02:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
answer: gouge your throat open with barbed wire until the fluid of life is expelled upon the salivating creatures in a flourish, rip your gut open and slip on your own intestines, and use the short period of life you have left to redeem yourself in the eyes of Satan, for only their master can free you of your current bondage. the solution to your problem lies in the release, death.