Perhaps I should have dealt with this situation differently. You decide... (767 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.54 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bluto (View user info) at 2005-07-24 02:35:24 EDT
My junior year of High School, I took a creative writing class. I didn't know (and still don't know) what I wanted to do with my life, so I started experimenting (with classes, you perverted fucks).
I got to class the first day and made a startling revelation. The class consisted of me, 2 friends of mine, and 15 Vegan/Emo/Feminazi bitches. Not all of them were all 3, but each of them had at least one of these characteristics.
Being the smartass that I was, I saw this as an excellent opportunity to step on a few toes. I tried legitimately writing, but it was so hard not to veer off track with so many people to offend. Finally, after about 3 weeks of actually taking the class seriously, and being pissed off every day because I was surrounded by the sorriest group of people I'd ever met, I figured, "Fuck it! I'm gonna have some fun!"
No sooner did this idea come of my head than the instructor tells us all that we will be beginning the poetry lesson. SHIT! Ok, this will be more difficult, having to restrict my hatred to stanzas, but goddamnit, I'm doing it. BTW, let me mention that every member of the class, at the end of the lesson, was to pick out their favorite poem and read it for the class.
I don't remember the name of the form we were using, but it was very restrictive, some bullshit about the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza had to be the 1st and 3rd lines of the next stanza. Anyway, it was 11 o'clock the night before the 2nd poem was due, and I was tired. I wasn't being polite, I just wrote to offend... this is what came out. (And yes, this is the poem I decided to read out loud to the class.)
Who Let You Out of the Kitchen?
By bluto
Who let you out of the kitchen?
You really should go back.
I'm tired of your bitchin'.
I don't wanna have to give you another smack!
You really should go back.
You know you're mighty good lookin'.
I don't wanna have to give you another smack!
But I will if you don't start cookin'
You know you're mighty good lookin'
I won't hurt you if you do my laundry.
But I will if you don't start cookin'.
Don't put me in a moral quandary.
I won't hurt you if you do my laundry.
Or if you fix me a ham sandwich.
Don't put me in a moral quandary.
By making me listen to you bitch.
Hurry up with that ham sandwich.
I'm tired of your bitchin'
Now that I've heard you bitch,
I wonder, 'Who let you out of the kitchen?'
After some initial shitfits, I was off scot-free. Ok, I had to listen to 3 stern lectures, and I was told never to write anything like that again while in the confines of a high school class, but it could have been worse.
P.S. If you enjoy mindless, offensive poetry, I have more tucked away on the hard drive of my computer.
User Reviews
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-31 19:17:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-31 16:30:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
This would be something to hear done aloud. So much potential...so many performance options.
How'd you choose to read it? Angry? Sarcastic? Lovingly?
Interesting structure, too.
A bit limiting - you're right - but when used like this it really reinforces your desire for a ham sandwich.
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I read this indifferently. When I stood up to read it, I was preceded by 3-4 poems that were about pain and despair (Emo kids suck), so since nobody knew what was coming, I just read it like it was your typical poem, so I guess you can consider it sarcastic.
Had I given it much thought, though, lovingly would have been much funnier.
Also, it's not that I REALLY wanted a ham sandwich, but the bitch just wouldn't listen, so I had to repeat myself.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-31 16:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This would be something to hear done aloud. So much potential...so many performance options.
How'd you choose to read it? Angry? Sarcastic? Lovingly?
Interesting structure, too.
A bit limiting - you're right - but when used like this it really reinforces your desire for a ham sandwich.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Gdoub (user info) at 2005-07-24 14:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-24 13:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the poem was clever. I hate Feminazis.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-07-24 13:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe it's some strange, 4-line-stanza form of villanelle. The villanelles we studied had 3-line stanzas, but I remember it being as much a pain in the fucking ass as your poem was to write because you had to repeat certain lines but still make it coherent.
I'm no religious person, but something about the complexity of the fetal pigs and frogs we dissected in Anatomy/Physiology made me think that if there is a God up there somewhere, he did a really good job, so I wrote my villanelle on that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-24 13:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-24 11:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*applaud*
YAY!
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-07-24 11:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For pissing off femnazis
Submitted by insanedoc (user info) at 2005-07-24 11:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're great.
Submitted by Alaskanite (user info) at 2005-07-24 06:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Clawsss (user info) at 2005-07-24 05:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that's creative!
I agree you shouldn't be like that in high school, and i also agree you won't get a good chance after high school either.
You took your shot.
And i think it blacked the bitches eye!
What better place for such creative out-pouring?! I'm ready for more.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-07-24 05:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-24 04:36:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Soap box: platform used to speak your opinion.
A school room is not somewhere you voice a male chauvanist opinion. You actually don't have the freedom of speech in school. School being said platform.
I think its the best place. Lots of different groups to offend, it allows you to test the limits of political correctness without serious consequence, and its funny. Funny overrides good judgement. DUH!
This gets a plus 2 only because I just finished watching Animal House.
"They took the bar! THE WHOLE FUCKING BAR!!!
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-24 04:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Soap box: platform used to speak your opinion.
A school room is not somewhere you voice a male chauvanist opinion. You actually don't have the freedom of speech in school. School being said platform.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-07-24 02:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-24 02:45:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for pissing off a bunch of twats
-2 because you used the wrong soap box you twit!
+1 IF you do it again!
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Wrong soap box? Elaborate further, please.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-07-24 02:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for pissing off a bunch of twats
-2 because you used the wrong soap box you twit!
+1 IF you do it again!