My first date with Mary Jane (654 hits)
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Submitted by TripinDayZ (View user info) at 2005-07-24 15:14:53 EDT
I present to you: The first time I got stoned. Hope you got a minute-
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I was 16 years old at the time and my friend Brad had just come in from his private, fancy shmancy school that is mom sent him off to. I guess that is easier than actually dealing with a kid that has some problems but that is another post in itself. Brad was a guy I looked up to quite a bit. I knew him when I was younger but we weren't really friends until his best friend started dating mine.
With Brad being at a fairly well known private school, it was sorta like him being at college. He was exposed to all kinds of shit that us as mere high schoolers in Arkansas never dreamed of. Music is a very important thing to me and was to him as well. Every time he would come home for a break (Christmas, summer, whatever) he would have some new kick ass music that we had never heard of. Revolting Cocks, My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult, Ween: stuff that us, being in Arkansas, would NEVER have heard otherwise. This was one of the reasons I looked up to this guy so much. We shared a brain, as they say. I had no idea to what extent we were alike yet, and wouldn't for a while but that is off the point.
This was his first time back from school and we all couldn't wait to see him. He brought back this kick ass rock group and told us to just wait about 6 months and these guys would be huge.
"Yeah, ok dude. I don't care how good they are, with all that growling and screaming and a name like Korn? No way." I soon after scratched my desire to be a music talent scout.
He brought back something else, as well.
Reefer.
My parents had smoked it for a while, my uncles on one side of the family, aunts on the other. I was, needless to say, quite familiar with the substance. Never had touched it though. I came across Dad's stash a few times putting laundry away or looking for porn but never had the desire to try it.
Brad got to town on Monday night and duly informed us that the coming weekend would be our first time smoking weed. Billy, Andy, Brad, and myself. Our group.
"You know Mase," he said to me "I don't really have enough for all four of us so I'm counting on you to come up with some more."
Head: Me? What in the hell? Why me! Not me, pick him!
"Shit, no problem." I said. I was so out of touch on the game of jane, and so nervous about failing this test or penance that it did not even occur to me that I could just go pinch an inch out of pop's.
Monday I asked around at school and got word that I could most likely score some off this guy Matt. The only problem was he didn't go to our school and the only time I would be able to catch him, since I didn't know the fuck, would be at church on Wednesday night. So I proceeded to go to a church I didn't belong to, strictly to score a nickel bag of grass. Yes I rock.
I got the shit home and called Brad up to inform him that, in fact, the eagle had landed. There was something wrong though. There was no way I had enough to smoke the rest of us out! I had maybe a joints worth. Wow, thanks for that $10 doob of shwag you cock smoking church dealing bastard! Time for a little addage to the baggage. I crept into the bedroom closet and grabbed what I now know to be about a dub's worth and shoved it into my cigarette pack.
Flash to Friday night, yes, finally....
We all pulled up to this pavilion that is back off the road quite a bit. We knew the guy that owned it so it was a pretty safe location: back off the main road quite a bit with the interstate on one side and the airport runway and all its flashy light glory on the other.
I broke out the "nickel" bag.
"Jesus Christ man how much did you pay for that?" brad asked.
"Like ten bucks."
"TEN DOLLARS FOR THAT? Man you got hooked up!"
"Whatever" I say, not wanting to tell them - 'actually bro, I ripped this off my old man'
Brad twisted us up our own individual joints and passed them out. Andy pussed out and gave some speel about "illegal drugs er bayud mmkay" and decided he would stick with the beer so the rest of us grabbed our respective bones (those are joints, not cocks) and proceeded to fire them up.
The smell was familiar, obviously. The taste, however, was not like anything I'd had before. Hell, this even went down smoother than my first cigarette did. We were all three puffing and holding it just to the point of passing out, then phooooooooooooooooooooo! < Rinse and repeat. >
"I don't think I got the good stuff," I said. "This isn't doing shit to me, how bout you dude?"
"Nope, not much here" Billy says.
"Yeah, lets have another one." I reach for the bag.
"Just wait on it a few minutes guys, it will come." Brad assured us.
"Fuck that I'm rollin anothern," I said and reached for the bag.
One problem. The bag was all the way across the table, which now seemed like the size of a tennis court. As I reached over to grab it the air whooshed across my arm in a way I had never felt. My ears began a barely audible "wahwahwahwah" on the inside, the corners of my mouth began to turn up and the evil foe Cottonmouth was setting up camp in my mouth.
"This fucking table is huge man! What happened to it!" I said, Cheshire style.
"I told you, give it a minute, it's not instantaneous." Brad managed to wheeze out in-between gut bursting coughs.
"Billy! Check this out! The tabl..."
This is when I turned around to see Billy walking towards a wall then walking backwards away from it very slowly, over and over again.
My first case of the giggles.
Oh, how sweet it felt to laugh that purely at absolutely nothing. To me, laughter is the most cathartic experience there is so I knew I was well on my way to forging a beautiful friendship with Miss Mary.
"What are you doing man?"
"The wall, when I walk to it, it doesn't get any closer until I am right...up...on...it." He demonstrated.
More laughter.
Of course I had to test this theory. And he was right; the wall seemed to stay the same distance from us as when we started until we hit it with our nose.
More laughter.
This extremely relevant scientific experiment went on for about an hour (5 minutes real time) until the next phase of the great stone came upon us: MUNCHIES. I had never felt a hunger so pure, so raw. There was only one thing to do.
Time for the golden arches.
Brad drove since Billy and myself were in the back seat, completely entranced listening to Jonathon belt out Ball Tongue, and Andy was on beer 7. We pulled out of the parking lot after about an hour (2 minutes real time) and took a right, headed for Mickey D's.
"Shit yeah man, then I'm getting a 20 piece nugget and an apple pie, fish sandwich and some broccoli cheese soup"
"Ooo the soup man I forgot the soup! Cookies! Gotta remember cookies." Billy vowed.
"Yeah and a hot fudge sundae. Holy shit man do you know how good that is gonna be? Do you even know!"
This went on for about an hour (1 minute real time) until Brad started slowing down and pulling off to the right.
"What are you doing man they are going to close! We have been fucking around for like 2 hours trying to get there, don't fuc...."
"Shut up man, just shut up, sit there and don't say SHIT!"
"Dude I'm just hungr.."
"We just got pulled over!" he shouted, "Now sit there, shut the fuck up, and let me handle this."
I hadn't noticed the flashing blue light until he said that. The hunger that had consumed every bit of my conscious was now replaced with a terror so genuine that I was seriously having a hard time not pissing.
So we sat. And we sat, and we sat, and we sat. After about an hour (30 seconds real time) I managed to muster up enough strength to crane my head around to see what the source of the lights were.
Most laughter yet.
"I said shut the hell up man you're gonna get us thrown in jail"
"Or we might just be on special at K-mart" I managed to say between hee-haws.
"What?"
"You just got pulled over by a light man; a flashing, blue, airport runway indicator light."
After about an hour (23 seconds real time) of laughter, the terror had been quickly exchanged for the insatiable hunger. Mission not accomplished, get us to McDonlads!!!!!
Time for attempt #2 at "being cool"
"Be cool guys I'll do the ordering, what do you want."
"20 mcnuggets, cheese burger, milkshake - chocolate, 2 large fries, 2 large cokes, and some broccoli cheese soup." I boastfully proclaimed. Who says it affects memory.
"AND COOKIES NIGGA!" Billy said in the most hilarious Chris Tucker imitation I had ever heard while stoned.
Oh god here comes the giggles again. Not the giggles, the fucking laughing-so-hard-you-cannot-breathe-nor-make-a-sound laughter.
"Welcome to McDonald's would you like to try a Chicken Sandwich today?"
-silence-
"Hello? Can I take your order?"
-silence- none of us can even stop laughing long enough to say hold the fuck on please. Finally, after about an hour (10 seconds real time) Brad was able to spit out:
"Coul...(laughter)..just a sec....(laughter)... give us a min...(laughter)"
"I'm sorry sir, our speaker seems to be cutting out, I cannot hear you. Could you please pull forward and give me your order at the window?"
Holy shit someone set of a grenade of laughter in the car at that point. She thinks the speaker is broken because WE can't stop laughing long enough to talk. Good times, good times.
After about an hour (7 minutes real time) in the drive through we manage to escape successfully, food in tote.
The food.
Oh sweet jebus I had never tasted anything of such grandeur. The nuggets were so tender and juicy. The fries, like buttery sticks of pleasure, each one as golden as the look on Brad's face as he realized we just got pulled over by a pole. Cold, refreshing cola, burning our throats and quenching the evil foe Cottonmouth. Pure heaven. We gorged ourselves as we headed back to the pavilion for round 2. Little did we know what awaited us about an hour (4 minutes) away.
Warning: The following is not for the squeamish.
On the way back to the smoking ground Andy began to complain of stomach cramps. Ha ha you silly fool! You should have taken the magic carpet ride with us! While we feast upon delicacies finer than those of the queen and you, you wretched creature, you writhe in agony, stricken by the very ale that you yourself chose.
Actually I managed to grunt, between breaths of nuggets and fries, "Heh heh, mgrhhh pussy!"
Then it happened. Sitting at the stoplight, the vile substance stewing in Andy's bile was on its way out. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly out the mouth, onto the inside of the passenger side window, and down the inside of the door. There was no time to roll it down, not even time to open the door. All he had time to say was: "Dude I'm gonna.." And that was it. Sploosh City here we come. But that isn't the worst of it. Oh how I wish it was. I'm not going into too much detail here for obvious reasons but I am pretty sure I felt a few tiny splatlets hit me on my arm and they may or may not have fallen into my fries.
I froze. Mid-chew. I looked at the fries, I looked back at the door and its now oozing masterpiece of disgusicity running down it. I looked at him. I looked at Billy. I looked back at the fries.
No one saw. My hunger said to me: fuck it.
I continued to eat the fries, only validating it with the uncertainty I had over whether it "actually" got into the fries or not. I have never told Andy that I may have eaten his vomit. I don't think I ever will.
User Reviews
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-24 15:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Bout the same. Just surviving, you know how it is.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2005-07-24 15:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
been a long year... you?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-24 15:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you haven't been around in a while. How's it going?
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-07-24 15:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-24 15:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
yup.
How've you been?