Balls Deep Behind Enemy Lines: Good Morning Mr Ranger Sir (1807 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPlanet
Rating: 1.96 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <> (View user info) at 2005-07-24 19:04:19 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71071 Post 9/11 Security Makes About As Much Sense as my Deranged Grandmother
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71163 AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71252 The Best Thing About Kansas Is The Threat Of Imminent Death
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71300 Mountains, Iced Tea and Wal-Mart in Colorado
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71375 Gettin' Our Teat On in the Tetons, or "It's Fucking Mordor!"
We woke up next to the Tetons and, after an unsuccessful half an hour looking for a suggestion box in which to deposit the message 'less mountains, more Macdonalds', we hit the road north to Yellowstone.
I'd had high hopes for Yellowstone and was fully expecting to see nature red in tooth and claw. I was hoping it would be like Jurassic park, with T-Rex's eating each others faces off and shit, but we'd stupidly chosen to go at the busiest time of the year so all the dinosaurs were in hiding.
The main loop through the park was more congested than a nostril full of rapidly drying cum and after having to pull over several times to let a stream of impatient fucks go by, despite the fact we were already doing the speed limit, we both started to get a little pissed off.
The kicker for me came when we watched Old faithful erupt and people started clapping. I don't know exactly why this irked me but it did - there's just something about applauding a geological feature that made me want to take my newly whittled 'bear killing stick' (which was, technically, a twig) and start stabbing people in the neck like Brad Pitt in Troy.
At the end of the eruption, the earth shifted slightly on it's axis with the movement of several thousand people from a geyser to a toilet. As we were ducking and weaving our way through the throng, some middle-aged American pigfucker stopped, mouth agape, and pointed towards the Old Faithful Inn...
"My god! That's like the oldest building ever! Wow!"
I know it's extremely uncharitable of me to be fucked off by that comment, but I'm female and as such reserve the right to become grouchy and sullen at a moment's notice and for no discernable reason. I mean, seriously, how can you get to middle age and still classify something built in 1903 as ancient? Jesus Christ, most of the houses I have lived in are at least 150 years old, parts of the London Underground on which millions of people travel to work each day were built in the 1860's and I can walk passed an abbey built in 1121 just on the way to the pub - I simply can't get my head round someone believing that to be unusual. It seems ironic that, as a country, America is so vocal about history, without having any idea of what it's like to be so surrounded by it that it's almost mundane.
The relative youth of America has also screwed it over in terms of churches. Every church that we passed on our journey (and believe me, there was a fuckload) looked like either a youth club or a metal shed. Even an atheistic little fucker such as myself can walk into almost any church in England and be awed into silence by the grandeur of the work that went into it, and the generations of people from world's so different from my own that have sat in those pews. It'd be interesting to see how much more fanatical the bible thumpers would become if they met in a place where you feel compelled to talk only in whispers because it's just so fucking impressive.
While I'm on the subject, what exactly is the deal with building chapels in national parks? I can't understand how someone could stand in the middle of some of the most awesome landscape I have ever seen and think "We're not going to be able to celebrate the glory of god here without building a little wooden hut and putting some statues in it." Jesus Christ. Step outside and look around you - THIS is your fucking chapel. Run your hand over this rock, dip your fingers into that stream, just sit down, shut up and look at this for a second, because that's getting you closer to your god than kneeling at an altar ever will.
...To Be Continued...
User Reviews
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-11-05 15:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by IEatLamps (user info) at 2005-08-02 17:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely kicks all kinds of ass, although I didn't get wet until I saw the bison. Mhm...bison...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-01 14:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. It's perfectly fair to belittle americans. Their tourists are quite certainly the most despicable people I've had the displeasure of meeting with. :-)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-01 14:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those weren't my sunglasses. My brother forgot them in my car. I don't own any because they hide my eyes and we all know I can make a woman's clitoris melt with a mere look.
I thought you'd be pissed to be compared to frenchies but it seems my vacation have left me soft and rusty at stirring caca.
I look forward for your next instalment.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-01 13:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-01 12:18:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems British tourists are just like Frenchmen. When they visit us, all they do is compare their "superior" culture and architecture all the time.
I've been faithful to that serie. Please see my picture post too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72147 I'm prettier than Brad.
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I don't know dude - if anything, I felt Britain was superior to America before I went, not during or after. It's just hugely different, and the culture shock almost demands you make drastic comparisons to what you're used to. I'm not so much sneering at people who have no concept of history - it's more that I'm so used to be surrounded by it and hence taking it for granted that I could not understand someone twice my age having not been exposed to it. Your first natural reaction in those circumstances is always going to be "what the fuck?? whats wrong with you people??"
And yeah, you're pretty - but Brad has better sunglasses.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-08-01 12:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems British tourists are just like Frenchmen. When they visit us, all they do is compare their "superior" culture and architecture all the time.
I've been faithful to that serie. Please see my picture post too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72147 I'm prettier than Brad.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-07-29 17:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep on a-truckin'.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-07-26 17:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:49:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brad is kinda pretty.
--------
You should see his sisters. Hotter than Toyotas.
<runs'n'hides>
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-26 13:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:03:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:49:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brad is kinda pretty.
===
I know. It's annoying, isn't it.
I want to be pretty too *sniffle*
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:49:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brad is kinda pretty.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:49:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Brad is kinda pretty.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-26 09:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brad is kinda pretty.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wish I could've been there.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-25 14:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 08:42:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, smashing, super.
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Let's have a look at what you could have won...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 08:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, smashing, super.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-25 08:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
envy
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-07-25 08:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful pics. Great series.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant.
When I first moved to Europe the weight of history on everything seemed to be crushingly oppressive, to prevent any movement, and to preclude even the possibility of a future. Now, when I go places in the US (except for parts of the east coast), everything feels temporary and flimsy, like a movie set that someone put up yesterday and only has to last three weeks.
The geyser picture reminded me of my Iceland videotape, the one where you can hear my brother saying "Yep, there's the money shot!" as column of steam and superheated water gets blasted 30 meters into the air.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-25 03:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post. Mother nature is hot. Fresh air and sunshine in the mountains makes me want to rape small animals.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:47:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
How about, instead of pics of either of you, you post more pics of the sexy bison?
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I have a close-up of an elk's arse you can have. I've laminated it for easy wipe-cleanability and everything.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How about, instead of pics of either of you, you post more pics of the sexy bison?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:23:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny thing, that.
You and Brad never in the same picture.
You never in any pictures.
(OMG METHOD WAS RIGHT)
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Odd that, isn't it?
I'm in the pictures on the next installment. Falling off a cliff, no less. You've only had Brad so far because he's prettier than me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny thing, that.
You and Brad never in the same picture.
You never in any pictures.
(OMG METHOD WAS RIGHT)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mornin' son, you boys got a camping permit?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what a paradise it must have been before you limey fucks invaded it
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-25 01:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-24 23:05:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Best set of pictures so far. Very exquisite.
======================================================
Dude. "Exquisite?" Please never use that expression again.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice pics.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-24 23:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best set of pictures so far. Very exquisite.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-07-24 22:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm loving this series of yours, mostly because I lived in Grand Teton National Park for about 6 weeks at the beginning of the summer. I also went to Yellowstone and just loved it. Wyoming is no doubt the most beautiful state I've ever been in. I'm looking forward to the next addition to your story.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-07-24 21:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rope (user info) at 2005-07-24 21:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this series.
White pudding is nicer than black (the lack of blood is also a bonus).
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-07-24 21:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-24 20:50:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Even for a Sunday, I can't believe this isn't getting rated more.
+2 again.
====
Heh, thanks dude. It appears that only a handful of people are reading this series - I've tried to make all the episodes stand alone to avoid that 'I can't be bothered to read them all from the beginning' disease that is rampant on uber, but apparently it's not working.
Ah well, the world probably isn't ready for my genius anyway.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-07-24 20:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are the best captions for your pictures yet. I laughed at every one of them.
This is an excellent series. One of the most entertaining I've ever seen on uber.
And who is that good-looking fucker in that one picture???
You know...the seventh one down...
He fuckin' dreamy...
...even without his Prozac.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-24 20:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even for a Sunday, I can't believe this isn't getting rated more.
+2 again.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-07-24 19:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this.
is there any reason why you guys are travelling around?
because i mean, NY is a hell of a lot more fun than Kansas and Colorado.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-24 19:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to Yellowstone around when I was 18 or so, nothing beats a place where elk and buffalo controls the flow of traffic.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-24 19:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seeing that buffalo made me want to scalp a manatee.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-07-24 19:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am you newest #1 fan.
Curious; do you have wireless internet connection? Where are posting these from if you're on the road? Obviously you've got a laptop......
Boy I'm dumb.
And I'm right there with you on the stupid fucks that are my countrymen. I used to live in Mexico, and everytime I saw an American tourist I would cringe in shame.