Laundromat Wars (911 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.86 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-07-24 21:43:52 EDT
(JMG Title Credit)
8th street Laundromat was, and always has been, the driving force in today's rush-rush society of Laundromats. They always had the finest customers, the best equipment, and all sorts of creme-de-la-creme customers.
That is, until Jake's discount laundry moved in across the street. For a while, Jake got no business, as no one trusted his water supply, no one had meticulously inspected the dryers for maximum lint-retention, and no one trusted his vending machines to always drop the soap.
Gilligan P. McShufflebottom, who owned 8th street Laundromat, went over and had a word with Jake. The conversation mostly involved around respect. Gilligan being the Don of the Laundry business, he wanted Jake to pay a small "protection" fee for being in the neighborhood. So if anything happened, like say, his dryers ended up on the roof, he'd be protected.
Jake would have none of this, and told Gilligan to go fuck himself. He'd drum up business without any "protection."
Sure enough, weeks passed, and 8th Street was slowly losing customers to Jake's place. Gilligan had a meeting in the basement with all his thugs where they were discussing options to rid themselves of this menace.
Gilligan: I don't know who this Jake guy is, but I want him and his laundry DEAD!
Thug: Uh, boss, you think we should just burn the place down?
Gilligan: Nah, too much attention. I can't let word on the street get out that I'm a brutal mob boss.
Vito: How about we just kill this Jake character and dump his body?
Gilligan: Nah, people would ask too many questions.
Paulie: Hey, you know what? How about we just strive to better our own business, and let Lassie-faire take care of Jakey boy?
Gilligan:...
Thug:...
Vito:...
Paulie:...
Gilligan: You know what Paulie, if that's you're idea, you take care of it. I'll let you handle all of this.
***
Soon after this meeting, Paulie began investing heavily in the business. People had complained in the past that the water that was used on 8th street came from the nearby river. Paulie set up a giant Evian bottle on the roof, and passed out leaflets that said, "The French suck, let's steal their water!"
Being no fool, Jake decided that he would start making improvements too. Instead of the natural gas that powered his dryers, he spent a little extra money and bought hydrogen, boasting that his Laundromat was environmentally friendly. Tempers flared, as both customer loyalties were tested.
Jake installed leather waiting room chairs. Paulie over at 8th street bought three plasma screen TVs to put in the lavish waiting room. Jake hired the local massage parlor to come over and give his customers massages while they waited for their laundry to dry.
8th street dropped their prices. Jake hired poor Australian immigrants to fold laundry for his customers. Paulie personally handed out Caviar to people folding clothes. Eventually, everything got so heated and lavish that both Paulie and Jake were tired of competing. Both of them decided to pull out all the stops.
Jake enlisted his customers to march in protest in 8th street's unethical treatment of animals. 8th street got Celine Dion to perform in the parking lot, and she even wrote a song for them to protest Jake's former past as a child molester.
After weeks of protests, benefit concerts, and a sequel to Live 8 in favor of the Laundromats, Jake and Paulie had an underground meeting discussing truce operations. Paulie suggested that they both revert back to their old ways, and just perform straight ahead laundry services. Jake would have none of that, because his customers were used to the lavish lifestyle he let them live, and would lose all his customers for that reason. Eventually they came to an agreement--They would join forces, and not make their customers choose anymore.
With the infrastructure in place, they had only to sign pieces of paper. The leather chairs, Plasma TVs and massage parlor employees would stay, and they would all clean their clothes in peace.
***
Years passed, and all was well in the laundry world. Clorox and Tide flowed like water, and people were frolicking in the streets. However, Jake was falling ill from years of hydrogen toxicity. All that environmentally safe bullshit his store spewed had actually given him several brain tumors and heart palpitations. While on his deathbed in the Laundromat, Jake gave Paulie and Gilligan one piece of advice: Don't let the kids eat blowpops on the leather chairs.
With that said, Jake passed away, and left his business to Paulie and Gilligan. In honor of the laundry empire they had built on competition, they erected a 20-foot tall statue of Jake, made of bronze, in the center of the parking lot. Holding a bottle of Clorox, the plaque proudly stated: "Jake. He cleans the city's naughty clothes at a reasonable fee."
Eventually people died, and their children, and their children came to the Laundromat and only heard about Jake through hushed whispers. Some of the children actually thought he was a 20-foot tall Clorox-wielding man of cleanliness. Others say that he was a laundry leprechaun, and cleaned your clothes while you were asleep.
But you and I, we know the truth. Jake was just a man. A clean, well-dressed man.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:28:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
MAY BEE IFFN U ROTE THIZ U WOOD STILL BE IN TEH COMPZORZ!
-------------------------------------
I have no idea what he just said...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-07-25 11:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get out more.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MAY BEE IFFN U ROTE THIZ U WOOD STILL BE IN TEH COMPZORZ!
Submitted by JML (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda posted this today, instead of Sunday.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-07-25 10:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you did say "drop the soap" in the second paragraph. Har Har!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this piece.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 09:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wonder why we have laundrettes and the nice Americans have laundromats. Laundromat sounds so much more glamourous.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-07-24 23:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mc cock and balls? Who's the gay guy?
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-07-24 22:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ZZ TOP!
SHARP DRESSED MAN!
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-07-24 22:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god you finally got it up. Reminds me of Laundrarama- it was joined to a motel in Panama City, and during spin cycles my room felt like it was taxi-ing. (How do you spell "taxi-ing". Drop the i and not worry. Gotta look that one up.) Get out, nice writig.
++
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-07-24 22:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his
conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
-- Homer Simpson
Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-07-24 22:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. I liked this a lot.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-07-24 21:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(to the tune of Scarborough Fair:)
Are you going to Lassie-faire?
Collies, pugs, cockers and shitzus...
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-07-24 21:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Finally, damn.