The last temptation of Mendell (461 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple <sopher901.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2005-07-25 00:29:47 EDT
Jake sat there staring at the array of cocks. But Jake didn't even think of them as cocks anymore; they were merely the new product line (and they were awful).
Jake worked as head of marketing at Sullivan Adult Entertainment Group's personal accessories branch. It is a steady job that involves plenty of hard work on his part. Recently his department took a nose dive, forcing cut backs and heightened stress on Jake. If he couldn't manage to turn his team around, and produce a genuine breadwinner soon, his department and his job could see an end. But that's not what he's most flustered with at the moment; it's his ethics that he is wrestling with.
At first his corn fed Midwest morals objected to his employment, but now it was his midlife crisis kicking in.
One of the new products for the summer, the Star Spangled Rammer, uses a cheap plastic that leaks the gel inside in miniscule amounts, which has been found to trigger allergic reactions with several people on his design team.
Another product, the Dominator, uses a poorly sealed gasket that may leave the batteries on the inside exposed to the user. Such an exposed charge could electrocute the user with 9 volts of vehemence to their nether regions.
On top of that, a third, and best selling item; the 'Daddy's Little Secret' line of rubberized vaginas uses a glue that has failed the initial Government carcinogen trials. It is only a matter of time before the official report is released, but Jake doesn't have the time to replace the gluing machine's delivery system by summer.
All of these are similar problems that Jake has dealt with in the past with swift and decisive action. All of these problems don't pose a threat for the company if Jake was to take action, but the problem is that Jake can't at the moment.
As Jake stared at yet another wave of shotty sex toys he began to think to himself.
"Is this all that I am?" he asked himself, "The mastermind behind hundreds of unnatural ways for people to pleasure themselves with cheap plastics?"
"Is Jacob Francis Mendell going to be remembered as a man that made these instruments of penetration all his life, and not only that, but ones that tortured their users with allergic reactions, electrical shocks, and cancer? Surely this is not what my life should be!" he epiphanized.
"Jake, you know this is just how these things work", he said to himself, reassuring himself of the grand capitalist scheme, and the merits of lean production, "You just need to relax and just focus on doing the best job you can do."
"Yes, that's right, I just need to calm down", Jake acknowledged, nodded his head in agreement with himself. He looked at his bottom right drawer as he fumbled with his new found anxiety.
Jake broke the seal, and poured himself a drink from his whiskey bottle he had hidden inside his oak desk. He sat there not thinking about anything, staring into space as he drank his whiskey slowly. He knew if he thought about it anymore, his newly found altruistic side might get the better of him. This scared him, so Jake drank his drink and tried his best to think of calming things and not of his sudden guilt. 'Fuck AA, this shit is therapeutic', he thought.
"Some day you will die, Jake", he thought to himself, "And on that day you will leave this day cursed by those that inhabit it. Who knows if God exists; but if he does, you know damned well where you'll be from here."
Jake cringed as the thought escaped from his brain into his consciousness. He poured yet another whiskey, trying to drown this sudden voice. This time he gulped it down like in his college days, and poured himself yet another. He'd take this one slow, he thought, as he swirled around his three fingers worth in his glass.
"Jake, you know what you're doing is wrong, and you know that if you continue you're simply admitting that you're a selfish, and inhumane money grubber", his conscience spouted off, "What is more important, Jake? -- Money or a person's well being?"
Jake chugged his third drink, and breathed in deeply, clearing his sinuses as he reached across his desk to the bottle. Five years ago he could kill a fifth in a night, and he certainly was shaping this evening into do just that.
"Jake, let me ask you one last question before you drink yourself into oblivion and throw away five hard years", his voice said, pausing for dramatic affect, "Are you happy with what you're doing?"
Jake cringed yet again as he sat with that fat thought in his head. He just sat staring ahead as his tears welled up in his eyes as he finally admitted to himself that his guilt was real. He let go and began sobbing on his oak desk, with twelve neatly placed cocks across from him for an audience.
"Alright I'll do it", he said aloud hands and head risen to heaven as if to acknowledge God or some sort of ghost haunting him, "I'll stop, I swear I'll stop."
Jack go out of his chair, pausing before grabbing his bottle of Jack Daniels, and grabbing his jacket before leaving his office. He speed walked down the hallway toward the front of the building, anxious to leave his frustrations behind him and go home.
"Mr. Mendell!" a voice shrieked from his eight o'clock.
Jake turned toward his caller and made eye contact with Sheila, the head receptionist.
"Yes?" he replied, a bit flustered, clutching his Jack deeper into his armpit beneath his jacket.
"I just figured you'd want your paycheck before you go home for the evening", she said in her typical friendly demeanor.
Jake stood for a second, and then slowly approached the desk. Sheila's outstretched arm presented the envelope with his smut check inside for his taking. Jake stood two feet in front of it, his free hand hovering ever closer to it. His slightly bloodshot and moistened eyes fixated on the perfectly white check, as his fingers moved to within two inches of it. He froze himself in that pose thinking of what he had just thought to himself a moment ago. It was still heavy in his mind. His tears welled up again, as Jacob Francis Mendell took his check.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 16:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah yes - you are right, I was thinking of a lantern battery. Too much whisky last night.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-25 15:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A nine volt isn't that big; I use one in my paintball gun.
It's one of the square ones with the charges on the top that's about 2"x1"x.5"
Thanks for mentioning goatse, I just ate .... *blah*
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-25 02:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another product, the Dominator, uses a poorly sealed gasket that may leave the batteries on the inside exposed to the user. Such an exposed charge could electrocute the user with 9 volts of vehemence to their nether regions.
_____________________
Dude, that's not a bug, it's a FEATURE!
Also, do you know how big a 9-volt battery is? Who's gonna use this product, the goatse guy?
That being said, your writing has been excellent so far, your shit would do well in teh UberMadness - keep up the good work!
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So what you're saying is you like fucking hamsters in the ass?
Shut the fuck up.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And then????
It's supposed to end like that: it's a temptation story and he takes the check, there's no "and then" to be had.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
darko, I just read the one where you berated them for a poor file name. I didn't realize that was some sort of secret code we had to have in our articles. Forgive my filename lameness.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would rather read your posts than any of the ubermadness ones. You lose a point for the filename though.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-07-25 00:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
AND THEN???????????????????